Escape to Reality
by Bugsbunnyaloha
Summary: After a tragic death that leaves Steve heart broken, he realizes that solitude is what he needs to overcome the loss and help bring him back to life. What better place to escape than the Pacific Crest Trail, but what he soon finds out is that he's not alone in his endeavor, and trying to escape reality only brings you closer to it.
1. Chapter 1

**_Aloha! Just when I think I'm out of storylines...I find a new one. I hope you enjoy! As always...thanks for reading! _**

**_Chapter One_**

It hadn't rained in Honolulu in almost two weeks. It had been one of the driest spells on record, yet it came down in buckets on this day, this of all days. It just added to the misery that was felt amongst the crowd, but no one felt it more so than the man dressed in his pristinely fit, white Navy uniform, and standing perfectly erect, staring down at the equally white coffin that was covered with an American flag.

The rain poured off the ends of the canopy that covered the grave as the crowd tried to huddle close to get everyone inside. Men occupied the outside like a barrier, shielding the women from the shower.

The Naval minister spoke of her heroism during her years as a Lieutenant in the Navy and then the many accomplishments she'd succeeded in while as a civilian.

"Catherine Rollins-McGarrett was a force to be reckoned with," he said over the sound of the rain hitting the canvas tent. "She never backed down from a fight. She never wavered in the face of fear, and when her country called for her, she accepted the roll as protector of the innocent."

Steve wanted it to be over. He knew if the eyes in the tent weren't on the casket then they were on him, feeling that dreaded sympathy over the loss of what most knew was his one and only true love since the first time he had met her at the age of twenty-five. '_They were meant for each other_,' is what they whispered to each other. '_They were a perfect match_.'

He wouldn't and couldn't deny any of it, because it was true. She was the most genuine and honest person he'd ever met. They had been thru hell and back on more than one occasion but always seemed to come together in the end unscathed and closer than ever before, but not this time.

It still seemed like a dream that he just couldn't wake up from. How could she have faced so many dangerous situations and lived through them all only to be struck by a car while she was running? It was so unbelievable that even now as he stood there at her funeral it didn't seem real.

….

Danny stood on the bottom step of the stairs at Steve's house looking up toward the bedroom waiting for him to come down after changing out of his uniform.

He thought about what he should, or could say to him, but nothing came to mind. He was at a loss for words, knowing nothing he said or did would ease the pain that his best friend was feeling. It was a tragic, tragic situation that left so many people, including himself, heartbroken, but none more than Steve.

He and Cat had finally, after so many years, settled into the life that Danny had always pushed them towards. Steve had proposed, the answer was yes and the wedding had taken place not long after, both eager to start out this new life, a life that would have no happy ending.

Danny wiped the moisture from his eyes and heard a creak, looking up, seeing Steve standing at the top looking down at him.

Neither said a word at that moment as he came down and went past him.

He followed him into the kitchen. "I thought I'd crash on the couch tonight," he said to him.

Steve went to the fridge and took out a gallon jug of water and took a long swig from it before replying.

"You can go, Danny. I'm ok, besides, I was going to crash on the couch tonight." It had been his bed for the past four nights since the accident, not sure when he'd be able to occupy he and Catherine's bed again, not that he'd got any sleep anyway.

"I'll sleep on the floor," Danny argued.

Steve chuckled slightly over that, putting the water back in the fridge and closing it. "You're sleeping on the floor days are over, partner." He glanced over at him. "I appreciate it Danny, I do, but I'm good. I just…I just want to be alone tonight, ok? I promise if I feel the need I'll call ya." He beat him to the punch with that last line, knowing it would satisfy him.

"Alright," Danny sighed heavily.

Steve walked him to the door as they both stood there, Danny was just across the threshold about to leave when he paused and turned around to him and did something unexpected.

Steve was caught slightly off guard as Danny stepped in and hugged him. It wasn't the embrace that comforted him as much as the words that validated the anger he felt over it all.

"I'm sorry Steve," he said sincerely. "I'm really sorry. You don't deserve this and neither did Catherine." He backed away with his head slightly bent, not wanting to show the raw emotions that were surfacing over the tragedy.

Steve still had a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it ever so gently, switching roles and becoming the comforter. "Thanks, Danny. I honestly don't know how I would have got through the past couple of days without your help. It's all a blur and I know you filled in all the blanks for her funeral where I couldn't, so thank you."

He nodded with his head still bent. "I'll call ya tomorrow. Try and get some sleep."

Steve watched him turn and walk toward his car as he shut the door.

He didn't move right away, still facing the door not sure where to go. He wasn't tired. He wasn't hungry. He wasn't sad. He wasn't angry. He just felt…numb. The silence of the house was his first reminder that he was alone again. She wasn't off on some mission to save the world and would return in a week or two; she would never come home.

He thought of the night he had proposed and her promise never to leave Hawaii again without him. A promise she kept and he felt strongly it was one she didn't regret either. They were happy.

"She was happy," he whispered out loud, feeling that pain in his chest begin to surface over the loss. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath and fought it off, not letting the real pain of it set in over the numbness. Being numb was manageable, but allowing himself to feel the pain was not. He was a master at keeping his emotions under control. It took years and years of work, but he had conquered any emotion that tried to sneak in when it wasn't wanted and snuffed it out.

"Food," he said. "I haven't eaten today. You're hungry, eat." The appetite that had been eluding him suddenly appeared and he did feel hungry all of a sudden.

He went in the kitchen and opened the fridge, examining the contents that held several Hawaiian dishes that friends had prepared and dropped off for him over the past couple of days.

He settled on a glass pan that contained Kahlua Pork and rice.

He reached up in the cupboard taking down a plate when a small piece of paper fell on the counter that had been on top of it.

He stared at it, knowing exactly what it was.

From time to time he would find notes from her when he opened a cupboard, or a drawer, or placed on the steering wheel of his truck. Or the best one had been written on the bathroom mirror in bright red lipstick.

He reached down and flipped it over seeing the familiar handwriting and written words.

'_Hi Sailor, just wanted you to know that we both love you very much.'_

He heard her voice so clearly when he read it that he actually turned his head to see if she were there, but the space next to him was bare and all he had left was a note. Her last words to him were ones that he should have expressed to her more than he had, regretting that now more than anything else, hoping that she knew he loved her more than anyone else.

He looked down at the note again as the words began to blur through the tears that formed. _'We love you.' _ The word 'we' she had been referring to was the baby she was carrying. They hadn't told anyone yet, not even Danny, only finding out a day before the accident. In all the turmoil over the past few days he had decided to keep their secret. His one and only child would live in his heart with his wife for the rest of his life.

He could no longer hide from the loss as it quickly took control and banished any chance he had of trying to isolate it.

He bent his head, bracing his hands on the counter as he began to softly moan and rock back and forth, putting up a fight but was losing the battle.

He tried to escape by walking it off but the grief refused to settle in one spot, literally taking over his entire body, rendering it useless against the reality that death had once again come into his life and taken someone that he loved so much.

He heard a muffled cry escape from his throat and put his hand over it to try and silence the unwanted emotion but it refused to withdraw, coming at him with a vengeance as if reprimanding him for trying to think he could banish it.

He turned and slid down to the floor with his back against the cupboard, clutching his throat, trying to choke the sounds that came from his heart that felt like it might break in two.

It was a frightening moment and showed in his eyes as he felt the isolation of being alone and worse yet, the separation of not having her in his life after so many years, sending a chill through him that made him tremble because of it.

The fight was over as he simply gave up, bringing his knees up to his chest and rested his head and arms on them and at last cried for her and the baby he would never know.

In the end he was relieved, realizing that he owed it to them to grieve the loss of the two people in his life that he loved above all others.

…..

The day after the funeral, nor the day after that, or the weeks that followed seemed to bring any kind of comfort to his life. Time wasn't his friend that was going to heal this wound. All he felt was empty, having no desire to work, to eat, or to live the life that he was forced to re-enter post Catherine.

He tried for a while to pretend that she was off fighting some war but it was hopeless, nothing could ease the harsh reality that she was not of this world any longer.

He wondered sometimes if he would have felt different about her death if she would have been killed overseas and the marriage hadn't taken place, but the baby was a reality check that blew that thought out of the water. He loved her pure and simple.

The engagement, he thought to himself. It all changed for him overnight. She went from being Catherine whom he held a distant but steady relationship with and relied on for information all those years before to being his partner when either of them needed a hand in troublesome situations, to his wife. He remembered waking up one morning after the proposal and just looking at her as she slept. It was peaceful and he couldn't remember a time that he had felt so content in his life. It was that moment in which he truly awoken to the feelings of what she meant to him, wishing that he had married her years before, not sure what he had been so afraid of, or what he was waiting for? Happiness had been standing right in front of him the whole time.

It saddened him beyond belief now that he had dragged his feet when it came to their relationship. She was good to him, much better he felt than he had been to her.

He had always been faithful, but never expressed his devotion or the appreciation he held over having her in his life. He had her on a pedestal, but regretfully she never knew it.

His energy level that had once been off the charts was now reduced to sleeping hours on end during the day, and wandering the house and garage at night until the depression would become too much and he'd collapse on the couch and just stare off into space, thinking of her and the plans of a family and life that were just that, plans that would never be.

He never went upstairs into their room anymore, using the second bathroom and sleeping on the couch. Any clothes he had would be recycled through the wash, and he'd wear them over and over to avoid the bedroom. Her things were there and he just couldn't bring himself to go in and see them let alone move them.

Her death had left him damaged to the core. He needed something to bring him back to life but what it was that he needed he just couldn't grasp past his own misery.

She was everywhere. Even when he left the house he was constantly reminded of places they'd been. He needed to get away from home. He needed to get away from Hawaii. He needed a place where he could feel alive again, and not be reminded of Catherine around every corner he turned. He needed complete solitude to heal.

…..

Steve looked up from his laptop, hearing a knock on his front door and then Danny's head pop in.

"Hey, how you doing," he asked, coming in without an invitation, closing the door behind him.

Steve flipped over the note pad on the desk he'd been writing on and closed the laptop. "Hey Danny, what's up?" he followed him to the kitchen.

Danny opened the fridge, examining the contents for two reasons, one, it was lunch time and he was hungry, two, he wanted to know if Steve was eating, having visited once before to find the refrigerator empty of anything really edible. He was pleased to see that it was somewhat stocked. He took out what was left of a processed frozen tray of lasagna and showed it to him. "Do you mind? I'm starving."

Steve shook his head, knowing he was there just to check on him. He could at least feed him for his nice gesture. "No, go ahead. I'm glad you're here actually. I want to talk to you." He took a seat at the kitchen table.

Danny saw that as a good sign as he set the tray in the microwave and turned it on, hoping he might be ready to come back to work.

He pulled a chair out opposite Steve and sat down. "I'm all ears."

Steve shifted nervously needing to tell him his plan, not sure how it was going to come across. "First off, I want to say thanks for taking over at work while I've been away."

Danny shrugged, "No big deal. It's had its challenges for sure, but we managed. Are you about ready to come back?"

"Actually, I put in for an extended leave."

Danny nodded but shrugged, ok with that, wanting him to be mentally ready when he came back, otherwise it was dangerous, not only for him, but for the team. "That's fine. For how long, a couple more weeks?"

Steve looked down at the table wiping his hand over his mouth nervously before he spit it out, "No, six months."

Danny sat up straight in the chair, "Six months!" he huffed. "What the hell are you going to do around here for six months?"

"I'm not going to be here."

He tilted his head just slightly in wonderment over that, hoping he didn't do something stupid, like re-enlist. "Where are you going then?" his voice becoming concerned as well as curious.

"I need to get away, Danny, away from here." He stared at the table as he scrapped his thumbnail over a tiny stain that had been there for as long as he could remember. "I'm not happy."

"Well obviously," Danny agreed.

"It's not getting better," Steve replied sadly. "I don't feel like myself anymore."

"Ok, so what's the answer? Do you have one?"

He looked up at him. "Yes. I decided I'm going to hike the PCT."

Danny narrowed his eyes, "The what?" He knew most of the hikes around the island but had never heard of that one.

"The Pacific Crest Trail," Steve replied.

Danny's eyes got big, "You mean that one that goes from Mexico to like Alaska?!"

Steve chuckled, "It starts at the Mexico, California border and ends at the Washington, Canadian border."

Danny just stared at him in disbelief, letting this new, crazy idea of his settle before he responded.

Steve pointed over his head, "The microwaves done."

He ignored his lunch and rested his arms on the table, looking across at him. "What are you going to join some group of hikers and…"

"No," Steve replied, "I'm doing it solo. I want to do it alone."

Danny wiped his hand over his mouth and shook his head, still not getting the reasoning for it. "Isn't that kind of risky, doing it all alone?" He started to get a bad feeling that maybe Steve's grief had turned into some kind of twisted depression. "You're not doing this are you because of the risk? I mean, you know. You're not feeling so lost that you feel there isn't a light at the end of this tunnel?"

Steve looked at him queerly at first and then got the logistics of what he was saying. "No, Danny. Don't worry, I'm not a threat to myself and it's not as risky as you think. It's a hike, a very well established and traveled hike. Its just really long and really hardcore." He pointed toward his computer. "I can show you the map. It's clearly laid out with all sorts of water stops, towns that hold supplies strictly for hikers, campgrounds for hikers. There are even markers along the way so you can stop and record your name so your progress is noted. It's really well organized."

"Why?" Danny asked. "Why this hike?"

"I need something," he began, feeling that if he stayed in that house one more day without a plan that he might actually be a danger to himself, "I need something to make me feel…alive again."

Danny could hear as well as see the desperation that came with that reply. "Ok. I like that you have a plan. I can see too that you feel pretty passionate about it, and I haven't seen that from you in a long time, well not since…" he started and then let the obvious reason go by, there was no need to say it, they both knew it. "You know, if you want me to go with you, all you have to do is ask? I'll do it. It might kill me but you know without a doubt that I'd do it."

Steve smiled over that, "Thanks buddy, but if you came with me on this hike then I might actually jump off a cliff, or throw you off one."

They both chuckled over that, knowing it was dead on true.

"Ok then," Danny raised his hands up as if giving his approval. "What do you have to do to prepare for this thing?"

"I'm glad you asked that," Steve replied, "because I could use your help."

"Name it."

"I'll have a series of packages made up and labeled to different towns along the way and I'll need you to ship them out on certain days so they're there when I arrive."

"What's in them?"

Steve shrugged, "Clothes, socks, fresh pair of hiking boots, food, just supplies."

"Is the timing of the year right?"

"I might be about a month late but they say early spring is the best because you miss the snow at lower elevations."

"Don't people plan for this thing like months or years in advance? You've been planning for what, a week or two maybe? Are you sure you're prepared?"

"I don't know, but I know I'm mentally prepared. I need this Danny. The second it came to my mind I've felt it's the right thing for me. I just need to get away."

"I think you're crazy for doing this," Danny halfheartedly laughed, "but I also think you're right in your reason for doing it. Its probably the most sane thing you've ever done."

"Thanks," he said sincerely, needing his support more than he thought he would.

"When do you leave?"

"Day after tomorrow."

Danny's eyes lit up again, not expecting such a close date, but it was what Steve wanted, and all he wanted was his partner back, so the sooner he left the sooner they both got what they wanted.

…

Steve stood outside he and Catherine's bedroom door with his hand on the doorknob. He took a deep breath and opened it, entering it for the first time in weeks. The musty smell of it being closed off hit him and he walked over to the lanai doors and opened them, allowing the fresh air from the ocean to penetrate the room.

All her things were still the same as they were the day she left on the run. He remembered that morning vividly. They had quarreled briefly about groceries of all things. He had requested a certain type of bread and she had bought the complete opposite.

He shook his head at the ridiculous nature of it now, thanking god that it wasn't their last words to each other.

He had kissed her goodbye, thankful for that, wising now that he would have also apologized for being so childish about the argument. He often wondered if they hadn't quarreled, would she have left the house sooner on her run, and missed the car that hit her.

He had turned that theory over and over in his head since her passing, adding to the heartache that already plagued him. He was supposed to be her protector and times when he was at his lowest; he felt it was he who had pushed her in front of that car.

He sat down at the foot of the bed and looked around the room that they had shared the last six months of her life. She had moved in almost immediately after the engagement and he hadn't regretted a day of it. The bed was warmer; his days seemed more enjoyable knowing she'd be there when he got home. They spent weekends with friends or exploring the island they both knew and loved so much. A couple of times finding a remote place where they enjoyed each other's company intimately.

They'd had a sexual relationship for years and it was always satisfying for him, even those times when it was months between liaisons. He didn't mind, she had always been worth the wait, but after the engagement and even more so the marriage, something had shifted and their lovemaking had taken on a new tone.

He wasn't sure if it came from him, from her or if it was a mutual respect, but the love they had for one another had changed, changed for the better. It was explosive and being with her in that way brought out so many enjoyable feelings that at times he just couldn't get enough, missing her throughout the day and finding himself daydreaming about her when he never had before. They had always cared deeply for each other and would have traveled the ends of the earth for one another, but they had lacked that one critical thing that would sustain the relationship for the rest of their lives, commitment. He felt that by committing themselves to marriage they were securing that precious bond they had, and in finally doing so they had simply fallen head over heels in love.

He looked across the way at the closet and the row of her clothes that hung there, including her Navy uniforms. He didn't have the will to move them just yet, it wasn't time, not sure when the right time would be, but it wasn't today.

"I miss you," he said sadly with a long drawn out breath and sigh. The tears began to form again, feeling the loss as she hovered all around him like a ghost.

His eyes shifted to a corner of the room where only a day before her death she had stood and used her hands, showing him the perfect place for a bassinet. She laughed at him, having to explain to him what that word actually meant. He was startled at first, still reeling over the news of the baby growing inside of her, but the look on her face when she talked about it changed his mind quickly. Her excitement over the pregnancy spilled over to him and it didn't seem as scary anymore, knowing that he'd have her to fall back on through the rough times.

He felt a twisted pain in his gut, realizing that he'd probably never have children now. The idea of starting over with what he had with Catherine with someone new was so far out of his reach that it seemed impossible to him. He'd never find anyone that could compete with her. In his eyes she was the perfect woman and for a while, he had the perfect life.

…..

Steve lifted the oversized backpack from the back of the Camaro as Danny helped him.

"I don't know how in the hell you're going to carry this things 2000 miles?"

Steve held it by the top canvas handle, balancing it against his hip. "2650 miles," he corrected him. "A walk in the park," he joked with a slight grin.

Danny shook his head. "I know, I know. A walk in the park for you, Mount Everest for me."

Steve chuckled over that and Danny was glad to hear it. After the initial outing of his plan he was pleased to see some spark in Steve's eyes return, but over the past couple of days it had suddenly vanished again and all he saw was the same sadness that had been his life for the past three months since that fateful day. He had reservations about him going again, but knew there was nothing he could say or do to change his mind.

"If you get there," Danny began, "and you feel like its not something that's working for you, there's no shame in not finishing you know. You can come home."

"I know," Steve replied.

"Or, if you feel like you need some company," Danny shrugged, "I'll jump on a plane and meet you at the next stop and finish it with you. I won't even complain, about anything. I swear!" He held his hand up giving him the Boy Scout promise.

The smile returned to Steve's face. "Thanks Danny, but I promise not to torture you like that." He returned the Boy Scout sign. "I swear." He lowered his hand and his smile slowly faded, "I have to see this through." He looked down at the backpack that was filled with everything he needed to survive the next six months. "I feel like it's my only chance. If I don't find some kind of peace…" He hated the life he was living but it was unavoidable. He was broken hearted from the inside out, praying this was the answer to ease him back into feeling, something, anything besides sad.

"You'll find it," Danny encouraged him, "just don't be impatient if it doesn't happen overnight. It's a process. I know how impatient you can be. Just let it happen on it's own time. That's all you can do."

Steve nodded and reached out for his best friend who had saved him from the possible abyss that could have swallowed him up over this loss. He truly believed that if it weren't for Danny he never would have made it past the first few weeks.

"I'll call ya when I can," Steve said as they embraced.

Danny patted his back as he hugged him back. "I'll get those packages to you on time, I promise. Be careful, buddy."

"I will," he replied as they broke apart. "Thanks Danny," he said looking him straight in the eye. "Thanks for…everything."

"Yea, yea," Danny shooed him off. "Get out of here."

Steve picked up the backpack and slung it over his right shoulder, slipping his left arm through the other side. He waved once more over his shoulder as he entered the airport.

Danny stood and watched him until he disappeared into the crowd, hoping and praying that he found what he was so desperately looking for.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Steve turned the shower off and reached past the white, plastic curtain for the equally white towel that was neatly folded on the silver rack attached to the wall.

The steam from the bathroom spilled out into the hotel room. He'd taken an extra long shower knowing it would be a while before he got another one.

He stepped over the tub wall as he wrapped the towel around his waist, letting himself dry naturally like he did at home, but as he came out to the air conditioned room he quickly changed his mind. He wasn't home anymore.

He pulled the towel free and dried off with it, starting with his hair as he did a quick rub over it. He'd cut most of it off before leaving Hawaii, eliminating that one nuisance while on the trail. It would help with ticks and any other kind of blood sucking creatures that would have found a home on his scalp that had grown out since Catherine's death.

His physical appearance hadn't been one of his strong points over the past weeks. He shaved every now and then but that was only because he was too lazy to keep up his beard and started to look like a bum.

He stood in front of the mirror that was attached to the long dresser and stared at his reflection, seeing himself but not recognizing the man that stared back at him. Gone was the self-assurance that had once thrived inside of him. He'd lost confidence in life, losing Catherine had finally snapped the already thin string that was holding him together over the many loved ones he had already had to say goodbye to; this one was just too hard to accept.

He was in for a long, strenuous six months, but was looking forward to the distraction. He was assured that it was just what he needed to get back on track again. Work was always one of his strong points, whether it was flipping burgers as a teenager, or defending his country as a Navy Seal, or protecting Hawaii as a Police Officer. He took all of his jobs to heart and performed each one to the best of his ability. This wasn't a job per say, but he was going to have to work at it more than any other he'd had. There would be no one else to fall back on in times of trouble, he was on his own, and that's exactly the way he wanted it. He wanted solitude.

…..

The high stonewall that separated the United States from the Mexico border had large numbers written on each panel, identifying the location. The numbers increased going north and decreased going south. Steve stood just a few hundred feet from wall numbers 40, 41 and 42, and faced the set of stone pillars that were erected to give a starting point of the Pacific Crest Trail.

It was just before dawn and the Uber driver that had dropped him off wished him safe travels, but not without telling him first that he was a brave individual for attempting such a feat. Steve shrugged it off. He'd been in a lot bolder situations than this. He wasn't naïve that it was going to be hard, but at least there wouldn't be anyone out there taking shots at him.

He read the inscriptions written on each of the four of the five different pillars that ranged in height; the shortest one giving the current elevation, which was 2915 feet above sea level, another giving the number of miles from that spot to the end of the trail at the border of Canada, 2650 miles, the next pillar was about his height, stating it was the Southern Terminus of the PCT National Scenic Trail that was established by Act of Congress on Oct 2, 1968.

The tallest of the pillars, over seven feet, simply showed the PCT emblem that was a rounded triangle outlined in black with an inner white border that had the words Pacific Crest Trail running along the top and sides and at the bottom was printed National Scenic Trail written in smaller type. A painting of some white cap mountains and a single pine tree was in the middle of the crest. It was an emblem that he knew would become a beacon over the next six months, showing him the way to go.

He turned his head toward the fence and then glanced at his surroundings. He was alone, just the way he wanted it. He reached down inside a flap on his backpack that was resting against his thigh and took out his phone, snapping a picture of the pillars and sent it to Danny, knowing it would be a couple of hours before he'd see it due to the time difference between Hawaii and California but he wanted to let him know he was on his way.

He turned his phone off to save the battery and tucked it securely back in the slot. As he stood back up he hoisted the forty-seven pound pack over his right shoulder, quickly sliding his left arm in the other side to even out the weight on his back. He took a second to adjust it to a comfortable position as he snapped the two belts that were around his chest and waist for extra support and started walking down the dirt path with the silhouette of the Mt. Laguna in the distance, which was his goal for the first day.

It was about forty miles away. He figured he could walk a mile in fifteen minutes, which would be four miles in an hour. If he could walk for eight hours a day and maybe ten then he could cover about thirty miles a day and forty on a flat trail like this one, but it was only speculation, knowing that slower days were ahead and on days like this when he was feeling good, then he had to cover as much ground as possible. He just wanted to get a feel for the trail though before pushing himself too much.

There was a gentle breeze at his back and he couldn't help but think of Catherine and her hands on his shoulders, nudging him on his way.

"I wish you were here with me," he said out loud. "You would have loved an adventure like this."

He sighed heavily and looked down at the path as he walked, recalling hikes they had done together in Hawaii, the competition to get to the top first was some of his best memories. She was a badass, he thought with a grin, but it slowly faded wishing again that she were there with him.

"I miss you," he whispered, looking back up again as the sun began to peak over the horizon and turn everything from dim to bright. He didn't notice the brilliance of it but instead cleared his mind of anything that would bring him the heartache that had beaten him down over the past weeks. He was there to let it go. He focused instead on the trail and childhood memories before Cat was even a thought.

….

He checked his odometer on his watch and knew he was approaching a water station close to mile twenty, a place called Hauser Creek. So far it had been just a pretty boring walk with not much to see unless you were a desert lover of dry, leafless trees and cactus, which he wasn't. He was from Hawaii after all, the greener the better.

He was about to pull out his map to check for an exact location when he smiled, seeing the PCT crest up ahead with a hand painted sign next to it. It showed an arrow and the words Hauser Creek, 300 yards, pointing toward another path.

Steve followed the sign and took the path, heading down a small embankment as he finished off one of his water bottles in anticipation of filling it up again, but as he came down to the end of the trail, he saw that the creek was dried up and was as barren as the rest of the desert around him.

"Shit!" he exclaimed. "That was stupid to finish off that bottle." He turned and headed back up the path. "Lesson one, never assume anything on this hike."

He started up the main trail again, knowing there wasn't another water stop until he would be stopping for the night at Mt. Laguna recreation area, cursing himself again for making such a rookie error. Now he was going to have to ration what he had in the other water bottle to get through the afternoon heat. Twenty miles in and he was already questioning his ability.

"Don't be a pussy," he mumbled to himself. "You need to think! Think about your actions. You were a Navy Seal for christsake, you know better than to consume your water like that, now you have to face the consequences."

By mid afternoon he could feel the heat of the desert even in April. It was more dry than hot. It was as if the dirt from the trail was literally sucking every ounce of liquid from his body. He hadn't even taken a piss in more than eight hours. He had half a bottle of water left in his pack, which was about twenty ounces. He wasn't going to die of thirst, but it sure did take a toll on his energy and his mood.

He dredged on, keeping his mind occupied on thoughts that didn't relate to the trail. He spent about an hour trying to recall a song, word for word that he knew by heart in high school but hadn't heard in years, singing it in his head over and over, hearing the music play as he hummed the tune.

By four o'clock he had reached the next water station at mile thirty-two, Fred Canyon Rd. He was skeptical to hike down the extra quarter mile to retrieve water that may or may not be there. He took out his water bottle and shook it, knowing he had about ten more miles to go to reach his goal for the day, deciding he had enough and declined the pursuit down the gulley to the spring.

By six o'clock, he was tired, hungry and thirsty. He'd been at it since 5:15 that morning but knew he only had a couple more miles to reach the camp. There he could find a place to pop a tent, eat and get some sleep before heading out early again the next morning.

At seven o'clock almost on the dot he walked the last hundred yards of the first day in to Burnt Rancheria campground.

Day one was complete.

…

It didn't take him long to set up his campsite for the night, having practiced at home a couple of times before he left, wanting to make sure the two-man tent was functioning properly. He even went the extra mile of hosing it down to check for leaks. It was sound.

He picked up his backpack and tossed it inside. He sat down half in and half out on the bottom portion of his sleeping bag and began to untie his ankle high hiking boots.

His feet were surprisingly not very sore, they were just tired, but he also had the pleasure of knowing that the next day would not be a 41.2-mile hike. He'd do the normal thirty miles and be done with it.

He began to untie the laces when he saw an older kid approaching from the road that encircled the campground. He looked to be about sixteen or seventeen with a T-shirt representing some band that used an American flag and skull as their motto, he never particularly liked those types of slogans for obvious reasons. His long, dark hair was formed into dreadlocks, which was another style he found unappealing. He was familiar with the style from the islands, most of the kids that wore it he found to be too lazy to groom. They were usually the ones also that ended up in his interrogation room.

"Hey dud what's up?" the young man said as he came toward him. "I heard you just came off the trail?"

Steve forwent the rest of the laces and pushed himself up, resisting the urge to groan feeling his joints surprisingly tight just from that short time off his feet.

"Yea, my first day's done," he replied.

"Cool," he stuck his hand out, "I'm Bax."

"Steve," he replied, shaking his hand, wondering what he wanted.

"Good to meet ya, Steve. My Dad and I run the campground." He turned as if admiring the surrounding area. "We get a lot of PCT in on their first night."

Steve looked across the way at a couple of occupied tent sights. "Are there more here right now?" he asked, surprised if there were since he hadn't seen anyone else on the trail all day.

"No, just you today," Bax replied. "Our last group was two days ago. Party of four, two girls and two guys." He shook his head with a rye smile. "They didn't seem very experienced if you ask me. The second day and they were already whining about the distance and their aches and pains, and they used up most of the hot water in the shower," he said, shaking his head in disgust, "as if that was going to help."

"You have showers?" Steve asked, looking around for the facility.

"Sure," Bax pointed toward an area out of sight. "Right down that road. It's four bucks for fifteen minutes. I wouldn't leave your stuff here though." He looked sheepishly at him. "We do our best to keep things on the up and up around here, but every once in a while a stinking thief wanders in under the radar."

"How late are the showers open?"

"Opens at five in the morning and closes at ten at night."

Steve nodded his understanding, "Ok, maybe."

"Cool," Bax said. "We have kind of a nature store too incase you got on the trail and wished for something you might need. We might have it, or we can order it and have it shipped to your next stop."

He couldn't help but wonder how many of those items had been taken from hikers and then sold off as they moved on down the trail. Maybe the showers were a decoy, he wondered, deciding to forgo both places.

"I think I'm pretty well supplied, but thanks."

Bax stuck his hand out again, "Ok, sounds good, nice to meet ya, Steve. If I don't see you again, happy trails dude."

Steve chuckled slightly over the closing statement and shook his hand, "Thanks."

The thought of a hot shower intrigued him but not enough to leave his stuff unattended. The map he had didn't say anything about showers at this campground, hoping he wasn't missing any other vital information on it, recalling the hike down for water that ended up being dry.

He sat down again and took his shoes off, slowly peeling his socks off, slightly cringing over the anticipation of seeing his bare feet, hoping there were no blisters that he just wasn't feeling yet. To his great pleasure there were none. He smiled at the large victory, having read blogs of other hikers who had suffered greatly with them throughout the entire hike. He'd spent the extra money on good hiking shoes, choosing a brand that he had worn while a Seal, knowing they were top notch, having walked hundreds of miles in them himself.

His next task was food; he was starving, having only eaten granola bars and a few nuts after the large breakfast to kick off the hike.

He settled for some dehydrated mac and cheese, feeling his stomach rumble at just the thought of it. The hiking stove he'd purchased was barely one and a half pounds but was every bit as powerful as a campfire, boiling the water for the mac and cheese in less than five minutes. He poured it in the pouch and sealed it, mixing it with his hands and let it sit for three minutes while he took apart the stove and let it sit to cool off.

The meal was even more satisfying than he imagined it to be, smiling to himself as he ate it, recalling Danny mowing over one of the packages that he had boxed up for delivery. The look of disgust on his face was typical of Daniel.

He grinned, missing him but not enough to wish him there. He shook his head at the thought of it. They wouldn't have made it through the first day. The hike down to the dried up creek would have been a nightmare to listen to, he was sure of. It had only been two days since he'd seen him but new in time all the negative would be forgotten and he'd miss his friend, just not today.

After he'd finished off his meal and tossed it in the nearby garbage can he slipped back inside his tent and laid down on his sleeping bag for just a few minutes to relax and contemplate on whether or not he wanted a shower. He closed his eyes to try and get a visual of it and when he opened them up again, it was dark outside.

He glanced at his watch that read 4:48am. He sat up; surprised that he had slept that long, but was even more shocked at how completely rejuvenated he felt. He'd slept like a rock and didn't even remember dreaming, which was a plus because the majority of his dreams he didn't consider pleasant. Most were of Catherine and he didn't need another reminder while sleeping that she was gone.

He looked out the slightly opened tent and got a sudden panic attack, remembering he left his portable stove outside to cool off while he attempted to just kick back for a few minutes.

He scrambled to all fours and crawled to the entrance and glanced out, not seeing it where he had left it.

"Fuck!" he growled, coming out and looking around in the dim morning light, not seeing it or anyone else.

_'Lesson two,'_ he thought angrily, _'don't be a dumbass!'_

This was going to set him back nutritionally. He had enough food to make it to his next supply box that Danny was sending, but half of it needed to be cooked.

"Shit!" he mumbled angrily, cursing himself more for being careless than the thief who took it, wondering if maybe Bax had something to do with it.

There was no use whining over it and letting the anger escalate any further than it already was. He decided to just eat a handful of roasted coffee beans that were being substituted for hot coffee and get on the trail and walk off the temper tantrum that was brewing inside of him.

He turned to go back in the tent when he noticed a piece of paper taped to it. He leaned in to read the note and was shocked and a little humbled by it too.

_'Hey Steve, I was walking by and saw that you crashed and left your stove outside. I didn't want anyone to make off with it so I took it to the house with me. We are always up at five so come by for it in the morning. Follow the road up toward the showers. Bax'_

He pulled the note off and groaned at his first impression of the kid that he had considered nothing more than a juvenile delinquent just because of his appearance, and now here was that same kid, saving his ass.

"You're a dick," he mumbled to himself. "When did you become so cynical and old, assuming that everyone looks guilty?"

He packed up his tent and hoisted his backpack over his shoulder and began the walk up the road to retrieve his stove, holding a ten-dollar bill in his hand to give to Bax for the good deed, and to clear his own conscience.

He saw the small white house from a distance. It was the only structure amongst the campsites, besides the lone brick building he assumed were the showers. As he came closer, the dwelling was even smaller than the he had anticipated, wondering if it was just Bax and his father that lived there, not sure it would hold more than two people.

He came up on the porch that was open to the front, void of any railing or bushes so you could see all the way down the road. A single chair sat on it with a small end table next to it. The lights were on and he heard his stomach growl over the aroma of bacon that was coming from the inside.

He knocked twice, just loud enough to get someone's attention but not too loud to wake anyone still sleeping inside.

He heard footsteps on the hardwood floors and the door opened within seconds. That delicious smell of bacon filled the air as his taste buds came alive. He didn't realize just how hungry he was until he had to reach up and wipe his mouth off with the back of his hand.

"Good Morning," Bax said with a wide grin, holding the screen door open. "I made sure I was actually up at five this morning," he chuckled.

"Good Morning," Steve replied. "Thanks a lot for what you did, I really appreciate it. I laid down for just a second and man…I crashed hard. Lesson learned," he said slightly embarrassed.

"No worries," Bax swung the screen door all the way open. "C'mon in."

Steve stepped across the threshold and stopped as Bax continued on down a hallway that led back to the kitchen, assuming he was going to get the stove. He looked to his left at a room that held a loveseat sofa and a table across from it with a TV on it, that was it; it didn't even have room for a coffee table. To his right was a closed door that he was guessing was the bedroom, only seeing one door, wondering if he shared a room with his father, which would be a bummer in his opinion for a kid Bax's age.

"Steve," Bax called out, motioning with his arm for him to come to the kitchen.

He went down the hallway, getting a glimpse of some of the family photos on the wall, one picture stood out to him, it was the photo of a man in fatigues with two other soldiers, their arms around each others shoulders, each holding a can of Budweiser.

He came in the kitchen, which was probably the biggest room in the house. There was a square table with only three chairs in the middle of the room and a stackable washer and dryer in the far corner. The other side was lined with a dark green Formica countertops and an old yellow electric stove that looked as if it were the original that was installed when the old house was built, but it worked just fine because the bacon sitting in the pan was a crispy brown.

"Have a seat," Bax said. "I'm assuming you haven't eaten yet, at least not anything cold since I have your stove," he chuckled.

That gesture caught him off guard, not wanting to intrude on him any longer than he had to. "What? No, that's all right. I had some coffee beans and nuts…"

"Coffee beans," Bax laughed as he pulled a coffee cup down from the open cupboard. "So you're telling me then you'd rather have coffee beans than a fresh cup." He handed him the cup of coffee he'd just poured.

The craving for the coffee he was surprised outweighed the craving for the bacon and took the cup. "Ok, you got me there, thank you."

"Put your pack down and have a seat." He scooped up some eggs and bacon on three plates.

"I don't want to intrude on your breakfast Bax, I just came to get the stove and give you this," he held out the ten-dollar bill, "to say thanks for what you did."

Bax looked at the money as he walked past him, holding two of the plates of food, but ignored it. "I knew you'd be coming by this morning so I made extra. If you don't eat it it'll just go to waste." He set the plates down on the table and walked past him again, "Let me give you another lesson about hiking the PCT, when someone offers you a hot meal, especially bacon, jump on it. You'll learn they come few and far between."

Steve couldn't help but smile over being taught a lesson from a kid that was more than half his age. "Ok Bax, you got a point there. Lesson learned again." He slid his pack off his shoulders and leaned it against the wall out of the way.

"Dad!" Bax shouted as he came back to the table and set the other plate of food and a carton of milk on the table.

A variety of condiments that included Tabasco, ketchup, salt and pepper were already there.

"Coming."

Steve heard the reply from the other room he presumed where the door had been closed. He took a seat at the table in front of one of the plates and poured a small amount of the milk in his coffee when he heard Bax's father approaching from down the hall. He stood back up to greet him and was caught off guard once again at the father's appearance.

He rolled into the kitchen and used his hands to break the wheels on the chair, "Good morning," he said to Steve, holding his hand out to him from the wheelchair. "Bax said we might be having a guest this morning for breakfast. I'm Gary, Bax's father."

Steve gripped his hand firmly and smiled, "Nice to meet you Sir, I'm Steve. I appreciate the hot meal," he motioned toward Bax, "and the good kid you raised. He saved my butt last night."

Gary rolled his chair up to the vacant spot at the table, "He said he found you crashed with your stove outside cooling off. Chances are it would have been there in the morning, but he was smart to take it with him, you never know. Every once in a while we get some punk assess in here." He picked up the bottle of Tabasco and began to shake it over his eggs.

Bax set a cup of coffee down in front of his dad and took the other chair as Steve sat down again as well.

"Where are you from?" Bax asked him.

"Hawaii," Steve replied, which got a pleasant reaction out of both of them. It wasn't unusual, people often reacted that way as if it were some lost paradise that only the lucky few could inhabit.

"I'm enlisting in the Navy when I graduate," Bax confessed, "I'm hoping I get stationed there."

His father didn't reply but only smiled over his son's eagerness.

"Really?" Steve replied, "I was in the Navy. It's a great life."

To Bax that was even more newsworthy than living in Hawaii. "Cool! Did you ever get sick of being on a ship for so long?"

Steve shrugged kind of uncomfortably, not wanting to blurt out his credentials. "I really wasn't on a ship that much. I was on land more than I was on the water, or I should say the desert. I was about as far away from water as you could get."

"You were a Seal," Gary said knowingly, "weren't you?"

Steve looked across at him as he stabbed up a pile of scrambled eggs on his fork.

"Yes, I was. For six years."

"Thought so. I was in Desert Storm. The only Navy men you see in the desert are Seals."

"You were a Seal?!" Bax asked even more intrigued by this stranger.

Steve nodded and smiled but he himself was more interested in Gary now than talking about himself. " What branch of the service?" he asked him.

"Marine," Gary replied.

"Ahhh," Steve grinned. "First in, last out."

Gary chuckled, "Pretty much." He looked over at him. "We're you in Desert Storm?"

Steve shook his head, "No, I was in high school, but I watched it closely. It helped fuel my ambition. You guys took control like it was a walk in the park."

"We did sweep that place pretty quickly, but it was the clean up that was the messiest part."

"That's where I came in," Steve added. "I was there six years after the war and it was still chaotic. The Taliban got too much of a strong hold."

"I agree. They should have let us clean house but they kept us on a tight leash. All it did was let lose the bad dogs."

Steve nodded in agreement and glanced down from Gary's eyes to the wheelchair. "Is that…" he paused, not sure if it was appropriate to ask, but then again all of the men he'd met in the service that had been wounded felt liberated talking about it to another who had served. "Is that how you lost your legs?" Almost immediately after asking he felt tension in the room, wishing he'd kept his mouth shut, but the outcome would come to effect him more than it did Gary.

Gary and Bax both looked at each other at the same time with different expressions.

No one had ever asked his father that question before, or any other question about how he had lost his legs. He himself had only asked one time, when he was old enough to understand the significance of it, and the subject was abruptly shut down. He never asked again, getting the understanding that his dad just didn't want to talk about it.

Gary on the other hand looked at his son in a regretful way, always ashamed at the way he had snapped at him when he had innocently asked him about his missing legs, he was only eight after all, but the question had caught him off guard and it was right after his wife, and Bax's mother, had left them. It wasn't his son's fault for inquiring about the obvious, but the subject was never broached again, even after all this time of it just being the two of them.

His military duty was not a conversation he wanted to have with his young son, but as he sat there looking across at him now, he realized he wasn't a kid anymore and would soon be living a similar life that had crippled him. The subject suddenly didn't seem so taboo anymore.

He spoke to Steve but looked at Bax. "I stepped on a land mine. It killed one of my best buddies, Mark Landon, and shredded my legs." They kept eye contact for some time, Bax's wide-eyed and Gary's were a cross between sympathetic and relieved. He glanced over at Steve. "I haven't said that name in almost twenty years." He looked sadly down at his food, moving his eggs around his plate with his fork. "He was a good guy, smarter than me. I think about him from time to time. It makes me feel guilty sometimes."

"Why?" Steve responded. "It wasn't your choice of who made it and who didn't. It was his fate to die and yours to lose your legs. No one has control over that. It's just the way it is." His sullen voice made Gary look up at him, knowing without a doubt that Steve too had faced perhaps a similar situation, how could he have avoided it in a place like that? It was impossible. He had come out physically unscathed but sometimes losing someone in battle bore invisible scars that could be far more horrific.

Gary silently nodded, agreeing with him about fate.

Steve felt the weight of the conversation begin to overcome him. It was bringing up too many memories of lost friends, more so the one he just recently lost, Catherine. He gave the encouraging advice to Gary, but accepting it for himself was another matter. Cat's fate was out of his hands, but he still blamed himself for her being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"I should really get going," he said, taking a last swig of his coffee, leaving his partially eaten eggs on the plate, but grabbing the last piece of bacon before standing up. "I really appreciate your hospitality."

"Who did you lose that makes you want to run out of here so fast?" Gary asked him as he turned to retrieve his backpack.

Steve paused, facing the wall of the kitchen. He came on this hike to get away from it, not dwell on it. He bent over and picked up the strap of his pack and swung it over his shoulder. "I'm already behind schedule and I don't want to walk another forty miles today," was all he was willing to give.

"Let me get your stove first," Bax got up and went in the other room, leaving the two men alone.

Steve hoisted the pack onto his back and fastened the straps in the front around his chest, avoiding eye contact with Gary.

"It wasn't your choice of who made it and who didn't. It was their fate to die. No one has control over that. It's just the way it is," Gary said to him.

He shot him a look of astonishment, wondering how he knew, was he wearing his broken heart on his sleeve, making it obvious to everyone? A wave of emotions rose up so quickly that he felt as though it was going to level him. He wanted out of there so badly he was even willing to forgo the stove that was taking Bax far too long to retrieve.

"Thanks ag…" he tried to say, but his voice was nowhere to be found, cluttered against the grief that could come on and wipe him out within a matter of seconds. This current episode was the worst yet. He walked past him to the front door, sprinted was more like it. He had to get out.

He came off the porch and just kept walking briskly to the road, not even sure where the trail started again from where he was at, he was confused all of a sudden, feeling his body turn as Bax grabbed him by the arm.

"Hey, Steve," he said, "don't forget this!" He handed him the small portable stove.

"The trail," he mumbled, "taking the stove. Where do I go?"

Bax looked at him oddly, seeing the confusion and pointed toward the pole that held the famous markings of the PCT. "Over there. Hey, you ok?"

"Yea," Steve cleared his throat, just wanting to get on his way. He just then remembered the money, reaching in his front shorts pocket, holding out the ten-dollar bill.

"Here."

"What's that for?"

"The stove, just take it."

Bax stepped back, shaking his head. "No, you keep it. You need cash on the trail and most places won't take credit cards if you need to replace something quick. It's cheaper for them."

"For the breakfast then."

"You have a long way to go. Just pay it forward on the trail somewhere. You'll find lots of opportunities I'm sure." He stuck his hand out to him. "Good luck."

Steve accepted the gesture, "Thanks, Bax."

"No, Steve, thank you. My Dad's never talked about his legs before. I think you might have helped him where no one else ever could. That was really cool."

He didn't say it but in hindsight, he wished he had kept his mouth shut. "Tell your Dad thanks and…I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"I gotta get going, Bax. I'll see ya kid."

He turned and walked off, resorting to his old tactics of forcing the rueful feelings down into that place where he could control them, but once again there was only so much room to spare and the space that he kept for those emotions was almost at capacity; the pressure was building, something had to give.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

The first week went by somewhat uneventful as far as his body was concerned, but the views and just the experience of being on the hike were amazing.

Except for some blisters on his feet and bruises on his side from the backpack, he'd got through with minimal physical damage. He'd kept his thoughts away from home, as well as his encounter with Bax and his father, focusing on the trail and what was ahead.

Water was always a concern, especially after the first day and almost running out. Once he got to the mountains it wouldn't be so stressful, but walking in the desert where it was scarce he was always on the lookout.

His goal for the day was Whitewater Preserve at about mile maker 219 of the hike. They had showers there and he was really looking forward to that. It would be worth the extra couple of miles he'd have to walk that day to get to it, hoping he could make it before sunset.

Every now and then he'd catch a nice breeze, which felt good, but on one occasion he caught the vile stench of something nearby, alarmed that it might be a wild animal but quickly realized it was himself that he smelled, laughing over it.

He hadn't seen another person in three days, and hadn't spoken to anyone since Bax. After that heart-wrenching incident he decided it was best to just keep to himself. He wasn't on the hike to make friends, he was on it to try and come to terms with the one he had lost. So far all he had done was ignored the problem, which wasn't healing, but in his mind it was working, because he hadn't felt the overwhelming grief for a week now.

The only desert he'd ever spent time in was the Middle East when he was a Seal. The only thing his mind and eyes were focused on during that trip was not getting his ass blown off.

He was amazed at the beauty of what was around him here and now, even amongst the barren trees and dirt path at his feet. Hawaii was famous for its sunsets, yet he didn't think he'd ever seen anything more beautiful than the desert sunset the night before as he sat outside his tent, enjoying a hot meal of freeze dried chicken soup.

He paused between bites as the color of the sky turned a bright orange. The glow was magnificent as it radiated off the nearby mountains, turning everything bright as if he were looking at it through polarized lens, never having experienced anything like it before. The clouds rippled across the sky and resembled waves amongst it's own shadow.

He stood up to get a full view as the twilight turned purple and pink. He thought about digging out his phone for a picture but couldn't pull his eyes away long enough, afraid he might miss something new and spectacular. What he was witnessing at the moment he also knew would never be captured on his phone to the extent that it was in real life. Instead he just soaked it in, knowing full well it would be a sight he would never forget.

He stood watching it, mesmerized until the sun disappeared and the hint of darkness all around awoke him from the dream. He wiped away the moisture from his eyes, overwhelmed by the beauty, wishing he had Catherine to share it with.

He walked along the trail and smiled at the memory of the pretty sunset the night before and how it made him feel; unexpectedly and without intending to, he thought of her once again.

He stopped walking as the pleasant memory turned on him. He saw her sitting on top of a rock in Afghanistan where they had first met. Her body blocked the sun and all he saw was the silhouette of a woman; the image was impressive in a place that was anything but.

"Why did you wait so long?" he said out loud as he stood looking at a similar rock formation, cursing himself for not marrying her sooner. He loved her all along yet refused to act on it. Why?

It was a question he would ask himself for the rest of his life and was sure he would never find the answer to. All he had was excuses. Worthless, pitiful excuses that added up to a life that left him on a trail that ended 2100 miles away, realizing that at the end of that trail she would still be dead and he'd still be left with that one question that haunted him. Why didn't you marry her sooner?

"No!" he growled as he started walking again, picking up his pace. "Don't go there! Let it be." His pace became a jog until he was running at almost full speed down the path that was neither neatly paved, nor without obstacles.

His backpack moved with him, jaunting back and forth on his shoulders. The items such as his stove and water bottles shook about only being attached by a hook. He went up a fairly steep incline, not seeing the Palo Verde tree's stump sticking out halfway in the path, catching the toe of his right boot on it.

He laid spread out on his stomach on the ground. His hands burned from the tiny pebbles that were now embedded in them. He slowly pushed himself up feeling abrasions on both of his bare knees.

"Goddamnit," he grumbled as he stood up, examining his scraped up palms first and then bending over and seeing the equally scuffed knees.

He took out his water bottle and cuffed his left hand, making a bowl shape and squirted a small amount of water into it, squinting with pain as he rubbed his hands together and then dried them on the back of his shorts. He forwent his knees, not wanting to waste any more water on them.

He tucked the water bottle securely back in its place and continued on his way down the trail, leaving his anger and grief in the dirt where he had fallen.

"Lesson number five," he said, "don't be dumb enough to think you can out run the past. Just don't run, ever!" He smiled wisely, "Unless a bear or a cougar is chasing you."  
…

He made the Whitewater Preserve campground by sundown, which pleased him immensely, having made good timing by not stopping for lunch. It might have been somewhat reckless by doing so, but he felt good, despite the fall, feeling energized by the scenery around him. He always knew he was attracted to the natural surroundings of Hawaii, soaking up anything and everything about it, but in the past week he came to the conclusion that he enjoyed all nature.

When he first began on the trail he saw a brown, barren land, but as he walked through it, he began to see life and nature in its most vulnerable form, the desert.

He began to recognize a timeline of activity amongst the wildlife that lived there.

Rattlesnakes, which were a notorious enemy in the desert were not out to hunt humans, nor strike out unless they felt their home or security threatened, the same as any other living creature. He respected their space after seeing one in the late morning, sunning itself on a boulder. He approached cautiously, wanting to get a glimpse at his first live rattlesnake in the flesh but was quickly warned away by the familiar rattle from a nearby bush that startled him, realizing that he/she wasn't alone, yet he was. He backed up and humbly bowed to the venomous serpent, showing his respect and apologizing for the intrusion.

Mountain Goats, he found were another animal that fascinated him. They hugged the side of the cliffs as if they were walking on an invisible platform. He watched them intently, even cringing now and then as they began to trot, assured the smaller babies that lagged behind would fall to their deaths, but like their experienced parents, they moved gracefully and surefootedly.

The scenery around him was vibrant and kept his attention occupied, always on the lookout for something new or something dangerous. Mountain lions and Bob Cats were not scarce in this part of the country and he was walking through their home, knowing full well they may not be as generous as a rattlesnake by giving a warning, they could come out of nowhere and attack if they felt even the least bit threatened by you. He kept to the trail for that reason and his ears open. He carried his gun, which could protect him from those threats, but mainly carried one because he had for so long that he felt naked without it. It was taboo from most hikers on the PCT to do so, but he usually didn't care what most people thought of him anyway, so why start now.

He walked toward a post with the PCT emblem on the top, smiling over the fact that his work for the day was almost done and a hot shower was near.

At the bottom of the trail post was the first log in book that he had come across since the beginning of the hike. He knew they existed and was beginning to wonder if he was somehow missing them, until he saw the writing on the tin box that simply had the number one painted on it in blue paint.

The latch was a little rusted but the box opened easily displaying a red notebook that had the words "Log In" written on the cover in black marker and a couple of plain blue pens. He opened to the first page and read the instructions.

_'Congratulations on making it to your first login on the PCT! Inside you will find the notations of fellow hikers who are ahead of you. We hope you take the time to stop at each and every log to note your progress. This is important, not only to keep track of any trail repairs that need attending by traveler's notes, but also for your safety, noting where you last left off incase emergency services are needed. Please begin your log with today's date and time and please make it brief. Happy Trails Hiker!'_

He flipped through the pages until he saw a fresh page, backing up one more to read the last entry to get an idea of what he was supposed to write. There were four names listed for the one entry. It was posted the day before, assuming it was the group of four whom Bax had told him about that had come through his campground a few days before he had. He must be making good time because he was catching up to them.

Only their first names were listed. James, Bill, Lucy and Amber. He flipped back a couple of pages and noticed that everyone was only listed by their first name, some with nicknames and then their given name in parentheses next to it. He had read that people often made up trail names along the hike. He smiled wondering what his would be.

'_Probably Snakebite,'_ he chuckled, recalling the close encounter with the snake a few days before.

He turned back to the last page and read the last entry from the four hikers.

'_Over a week and things are not going well. I think I speak for the group when I say…TIRED, TIRED, TIRED! The trail map is not as laid out as clearly as it shows. Water is scarce and watering holes are not what they say either. Two of them were dried up! It's bullshit! Lucy has blisters and James got bit by something inside his tent. His leg has welts on it. Beware of sleeping with your tent flap open. That's all for now. Hopefully things will improve.'_

Steve raised an eyebrow at the depressing entry, knowing now why he was catching up to them. He then smiled as he looked down the page at another entry written by the girl, Amber.

_'Let me just say for the record that he DOES NOT speak for the entire group! Lucy is a whiner, Bill is lazy and well James is just a plain idiot. I told him not to sleep with his tent open. We're in the desert for Christsake! Anyhow, it felt good to vent. Sorry. Not sure I can stick this out for the long haul with these people. Amber.'_

"Holly shit," he chuckled, "that sucks."

He turned back to a fresh page and set the book down on top of the tin box and started his own entry.

_'April 27, 5:45 pm. Steve M: My eighth day is complete and I'm feeling good. Hoping to get a shower tonight and head out early in the morning. I feel like I'm making good timing. Averaging thirty-three miles a day, so far. I never thought I would appreciate the desert as much as I have. No really bad experiences so far to write about, only good ones. Don't walk with your head down, you'll miss everything.'_

He read it over one more time; feeling satisfied and then closed the book and put it back in the tin box and latched it shut.

He glanced at his surroundings, seeing the campsite on the trail ahead of him. He was interested in one thing and one thing only, a shower.

…

The brick building held both women's and men's bathrooms and showers on opposite sides.

Steve walked through the men's door entering the bathroom section first, walking past two stalls and three urinals toward the sign that read 'Showers' in stenciled black paint on the wall.

He was pleased to see that no one else was there. The small area held two showers with a white plastic curtain hanging from each for privacy. He choose the furthest one, sliding his backpack off his shoulders and resting it up against the wall, feeling a jolt of excitement over being able to clean off.

He unzipped the top of his pack and reached down toward the bottom for a small sandwich bag that held his toiletries, which only consisted of a disposable razor, a small bar of soap he had taken from the hotel he'd stayed at the night before he began the hike, a 2oz. container of shampoo and an almost empty travel size toothpaste and portable fold up toothbrush. Both had been used twice a day since he had begun the hike. He might have smelled like something that just arose from the grave, but damn it, at least he could have clean teeth. He could have cared less about the hygiene result he just wanted something on his body to be clean.

The soap and shampoo was what he was most interested in now, taking them out and setting them inside on the floor of the shower.

As he stood up to remove his clothes he got a shocker when he caught his reflection in the mirror across the way.

"Holly shit!" he chuckled. "You look like Big Foot."

His beard had grown out enough to cover most of his face, not recalling it ever being that long before, not even during his military days. He ran his hand over it, familiar with its length but not the way it changed his appearance. He contemplated whether or not to remove it at this time. It wasn't impeding him in any way and did keep his face warm at nights when the temperature in the desert could drop dramatically. He decided to shower first and then decide.

He undressed completely and then stepped inside and closed the curtain and turned the hot water on, forgoing the cold handle for now, hoping and praying for even some lukewarm water.

To his great joy it was hot. His whole body tingled with delight as the warm liquid washed over him. A wide grin was plastered on his face as he just stood under it, enjoying the wonderful sensation of a clean, hot shower.

_'Don't enjoy it too much,'_ he thought, _'or you'll be washing your hair in cold water.'_

With that thought in mind he bent over and picked up the little bottle of shampoo and squeezed a small amount in his hand and lathered it over his hair that was still short from the buzz cut when he left, but was growing out faster than it ever had before, wondering to himself why that would be? As he contemplated that thought, he used the lather on his hands to wash his face and beard, scrubbing away the sweat from the past week. It felt good; restoring him to the person he was under all that dirt from the trail.

As he was rinsing off he felt the white shower curtain move and a strange commotion outside of it, using his hand to open it, assuming his backpack had just fallen over, but what he saw was unexpected and far worse.

He threw back the curtain and used his hand to wipe away the remaining shampoo from his face as he caught just a glimpse of his backpack as the stranger darted around the corner of the shower stalls with it, seconds later the bathroom door flew open, hitting the back wall with a loud thud as if someone was in a great hurry to get out.

He forwent any clothes as he ran off after the thief stark naked. Everything he had was in that backpack, everything! Including his gun! If he let the criminal get away he would be screwed for sure.

One infuriating thought crossed his mind as he tore off after him, _'You have no idea who you're fucking with! I'm going to kick your ass!' _

He came out the door and stopped, using his hand once again to wipe the shampoo out of his eyes, quickly scanning his surroundings, hearing his stove clinking back and forth as he darted around the side of the showers, spotting the culprit only about fifty feet away, struggling with the large pack as he ran.

"Hey!" he shouted as he took off after him. "Drop the pack you little prick!"

Steve was gaining on him quickly when suddenly out of nowhere a woman appeared from behind a tree and shoved the thief from the side as he ran by her.

He fell over, lying face down in the dirt, pushing the backpack away that was on top of him as he scrambled to get up.

Steve grabbed him by the back of the shirt while he was on his knees and lifted him off the ground with ease, realizing then he couldn't have been more than twelve or thirteen years old. His legs and arms flung about in an attempt to get away as Steve held his arm outstretched in front of him avoiding any contact with his bare crotch. In the meantime he lost his grip on the squirrelly kid who felt the taste of freedom and took off running, only getting two steps before he smacked dead on into a big pine tree.

The kid hit it hard and fell, ignoring the small gash just above his eye as he scrambled to his feet once again and ran off through the trees at a fast pace that Steve didn't feel he wanted to try to emulate in his current state of being bare ass.

He cursed a few choice words under his breath, hoping the kid felt the negative backlash of the tree as he turned to recover his backpack, seeing the woman standing there holding it up and re-attaching his stove to it that had come off in the fall.

She looked up at him and then her eyes scanned down his body realizing just then that he was as naked as the day he was born.

"Oh!" she turned her face away. "Oh my god!" She stood up, still holding the backpack in the upright position with her head facing the opposite direction, avoiding eye contact with him.

"Oh shit," he mumbled, instantly covering his hands over his crotch. He felt as if his entire body instantly changed to one distinct color, red! It was like being in one of those dreams of walking across campus and then looking down and realizing that you were stark naked, but he was wide awake, living the nightmare.

"Sorry," he said, mortified, trying to explain. "I was in the shower when he took off with my stuff."

"Obviously," she replied with her face still turned, biting her bottom lip trying not to laugh.

She reached the handle of the backpack out to him, but was also trying to keep her distance from him, feeling him seconds later take it as his hand brushed over hers.

"Thanks," he said quietly, placing the backpack up against his body to shield the world from his nakedness. "Thanks for stopping him too," he added as he backed up toward the bathrooms, glancing around, praying that no one else was around to witness what could very well be the most humiliating moment of his life.

"No problem," she said, waving to him with her head still turned as she disappeared behind the tree again.

Once she was out of sight, he bee lined for the door to the men's restrooms.

He set the pack down and felt inside the shower that was still running, pleased that he still had warm water, stepping inside but leaving the curtain hallway open this time.

He recalled the last few minutes as he braced a hand against the wall and bent his head in embarrassment.

"Oh my god," he whispered, feeling every bit of the humiliation all over again as he started to laugh over the scene. "Danny would have paid a million dollars to have been a witness to that."

That thought alone made him laugh harder.

He lifted his head and glanced out of the shower at his backpack that was resting safe and secure next to him, thanks to the woman, whoever she was. He probably would have caught the kid but it might have been a few hundred feet further and just more ground to cover on the walk of shame back to the bathrooms.

He tried to get a mental picture of her, not getting a really clear image of her face since she had turned so quickly in her shock of his appearance, which brought on the humiliation all over again as he sighed, leaning his forehead on the wall. "Oh my god, oh my god," he moaned, chuckling through the mortification as his face blushed once again.

He glanced down at his crotch and a thought occurred to him that was not out of the ordinary from any other red-blooded man that had been caught in his position.

_'Well, I hope she was impressed with the show at least,''_ he chuckled, rolling his eyes.

The water began to cool down and it thankfully pulled him away from his current state of mind. He focused back on the tasks he wanted to complete, quickly cleaning himself up and rinsing off his clothes that he'd had on for the past week.

….

He slipped on a clean pair of underwear and let himself air dry before getting dressed in the only other pair of shorts and shirt that he had. He ringed out the other clothes the best he could, feeling his stomach rumble. He hadn't eaten dinner yet and was starving, but he also wanted to report the attempted theft to the local authorities or whoever ran the campsite, assuming the kid was local.

As he came out of the men's bathroom he sheepishly looked around the corner for the woman, not sure he would even recognize her. It had all happened so fast. He did remember though that she had dark hair in a ponytail and was wearing a black and white plaid shirt with a dark undershirt, perhaps a tank top and green hiking pants. He couldn't recall her shoes or any other recognizable markings on her.

'_You're losing your touch McGarrett,_' he thought to himself, not sure he could pick her out of a line up, shamed over that. He'd always prided himself on being detailed while relaying information about a critical incident he'd been involved in, no matter how dangerous or stressful the situation had been he could always recall the facts. Of course, he thought, justifying his inaccuracy; '_I was always fully clothed during those instances_,' he grinned, finally finding the humor in it.

As he made his way over to the campsite area he wondered if the woman was a hiker like himself or a perhaps a local. He couldn't remember in all the excitement if he had thanked her or not for stopping the kid. He thought so but couldn't say for sure.

He found an empty spot to set up his tent, which wasn't hard to do, most of the sites were unoccupied except for a truck backed in to a spot two spaces down. Further away he could just make out a red tent, other than that the place was pretty quiet. Maybe that's why the kid thought he could get away so easily, no one to stop him.

"Or so he thought," Steve chuckled, mentally thanking the woman again.

He had his tent set up and water on to boil within ten minutes of arriving.

His body might have been a mess most of the time, but he tried the best he could to keep the inside of his tent clean. It was becoming like a sanctuary for him from the trail. Home away from home, and like his home in Hawaii, it was always Navy clean.

He crawled out of it, using his hand to sweep a small pile of dirt with him.

The stove began to rattle letting him know the water was ready. He'd chosen Chicken Alfredo for the night, tearing open the packet and setting it on the ground before pouring in just the right amount of boiling water over the freeze dried food. The delicious smell was almost instantaneous as he grinned, sealing the contents for three minutes.

In the meantime he took the wet clothes from the shower and shook them out, laying them over the tent to dry, hoping they would be by morning.

His face itched a little as he scratched the beard on his face, forgetting all about shaving but decided to just let it go. He'd be hitting the mountains soon and climbing in elevation, the beard just might come in handy on those cool nights.

He looked up over his shoulder, hearing a car pull up behind him. The sight of the police cruiser surprised him, wondering if he was there about the attempted theft.

"How you doing?" the officer said as he got out.

"Hi," Steve responded, going toward him.

"I'm officer Daily from the Snead County Sheriff's Department. Are you the guy that had the incident outside the men's shower today?"

Steve tried to get a read on his face over that comment, searching for even the slightest bit of humor, not sure exactly which incident he was referring too, hoping it wasn't the naked one.

"Yea, I guess that would be me. Some kid tried to make off with my backpack while I was in the shower. I got the stuff back thanks to a bystander who tripped him up, but the kid got away."

The officer turned and pointed toward his police car, "Is that him?"

Steve squinted his eyes and walked over in that direction, as he got closer he smiled, seeing two terrified eyes staring over at him from the backseat.

"Yep, that looks like him, complete with the shiner above his eye. I didn't hit him," Steve quickly explained, knowing that could be turned into assault on a minor. "He ran into a tree as he tried to get away."

"Yea I know, he told me. That's Caleb Daily, my brother's son." He glanced over at the kid, giving him the stink eye, "My nephew."

The kid cringed down in the back of the car, turning his eyes away from the two men, knowing he was in big trouble.

"Did he say why he did it?"

The Sherriff let out a long sigh, "His dad refused to buy him a hunting knife and Caleb knows you guys carry stuff like that so he saw you come in the camp and in his own selfish mind he decided to take yours while you were in the shower, but he didn't see it sticking out anywhere on the backpack that would be easy to grab so he took the whole thing. He said he was going to just take the knife and drop the pack someplace where you could find it, but someone hit him while he was on the run and then you caught him. I think he might have pissed his pants in the whole thing. Or should be now," the officer huffed.

Steve laughed over that, but was curious if this was a pattern. "Has he done anything like this before?"

"Nah, he's a pretty good kid. I think he just made a bad decision. Do you want to press charges for any damage to your backpack?"

Steve shook his head, "No, it wasn't damaged. I'm a cop too so my only request is that he realizes what he did was wrong, but judging by the look on his face, he knows he's in deep shit."

Both men laughed.

"Oh believe me, once I turn him over to my brother he'll be doing extra chores for a month."

"Ok then, case closed." Steve held his hand out to him. "Thanks for coming by."

The officer shook it firmly, "So where are you from officer…" he hesitated never getting his name.

"Oh sorry, Steve McGarrett. I'm from Hawaii."

"Holly shit," the officer grinned. "Isn't that the dream job?"

"It's not a bad gig," Steve replied. "Hey, by the way," he added, "how did you know about the backpack getting taken?"

"A woman, the one that knocked Caleb over let the campsite manager know and he called me."  
"Really? I never got her name or the chance to thank her."

"Amber Scott," he told him. "She's a fellow PCT hiker like yourself." He pointed over toward the red tent. "She's right over that way in the red tent."

"Thanks." He glanced over in that direction, recalling that name from somewhere but wasn't sure where and he also wasn't sure he had the guts to face her after their last encounter.

"If you go over just make sure to wear some pants," he smiled.

"Oh shit," Steve moaned, bending his head as his face turned color, chuckling over the humiliating incident. "She told you about that?"

"It kind of slipped out. I don't think she meant to. I asked her why you let him get away and not chase after him. She said you were not properly dressed. I asked what that meant and she rolled her eyes and said you weren't dressed at all, and then explained why."

"I was in the shower when he snatched…" Steve defended.

"I know," he interrupted him. "You don't have to explain it. If you want I can get the kid out and you can take a swipe at his butt with your foot for payback on that?" he joked.

Steve laughed, "All I can say is I'm glad it happened here and no chance of anyone back home hearing about it. My partner would have had a field day with that story. I'd never live it down."

"Sounds like me and my brother," he replied, sticking his hand out to him again. "Well it was good meeting you, and good luck on the hike. Be careful on the next fifty or so miles once you start getting up in the forest. There've been some cougar sightings."

"Ok, thanks for the heads up," he replied shaking his hand. "Good meeting you too."

The officer walked back over to his car and pointed at the kid who was looking out the window at them, not sure what was going to happen next, his eyes still filled with freight. The officer opened up the back of the police car and leaned over saying something to him as Caleb's eyes darted back and forth between Steve and his Uncle. After a few seconds he slid out of the seat and made his way over to where he was standing.

Steve crossed both arms and tried to look intimating as possible.

Caleb stared at the ground and started to mumble something when his Uncle spoke up.

"Hey! I can't hear you! And show officer McGarrett some respect by looking him in the eye. You stole from him and you're damn lucky he's not pressing charges!"

Caleb looked up with tears in his eyes, "I'm sorry for stealing your backpack."

"Are you? Or are you just sorry for getting caught?"

His expression became shocked over that question as he shook his head, "No, I'm really sorry! I am, I swear it."

"Next time you may not be so lucky."

Caleb shook his head again, "I won't do that ever again." he glanced over his shoulder at his uncle. "I won't do that again. I promise."

"Ok then," Steve said. "I accept your apology." He stuck his hand out to him.

Caleb smiled and shook his hand; glancing back over at his uncle again with a wide grin, hoping this settled it.

"Ok" his uncle, said, "you're good with him, but I don't think your dad's going to be as forgiving."

The troubled expression overcame the kid once again.

"Let's go," his uncle motioned to the back of the car with his hand.

Steve lifted his hand and waved as they drove off.

He glanced back over in the direction of the red tent but decided to just let it go, not wanting to face that humiliation again.

….

He finished his dinner and cleaned up the area around his tent, gathering up the trash out of his backpack from the past couple of days.

He made his way over to the bathrooms to find a trash can when he saw a woman coming out.

She stopped in her tracks and looked over at him as if surprised to see him.

It took him all of about two seconds to realize who she was.

'_Amber Scott'_ he thought to himself, recalling the officer's information, getting a good look at her this time. '_Oh well,_' he thought, '_this encounter is going to happen no matter what.' _

She was about five six with dark brown hair that was up in a ponytail. The ends of it dripping wet down the front of her tan shirt. She had a natural, clean complexion that reminded him of Catherine's. He loved it that she used to be able to wake up in the morning and roll out of bed looking just as good as she did the night before. She was naturally beautiful and so was this woman. She had long eyelashes that surrounded her eyes, which matched her name wondering if that was a coincidence, or if Amber were a nickname, knowing when babies were born their eyes were always blue. He'd read that recently in a book after he and Catherine had talked about starting a family, but had since thrown that book in the trash.

"Hi," he said as he came toward her. "Um, I just want to say thanks for before. You know, earlier today."

"You already did," was all she said and then turned, walking the other direction toward her camp.

He stood there staring at her back as she walked away, dumbfounded over the quick retreat, glancing around to see if anyone else was within hearing distance, pleased that he wasn't humiliated twice in the same day.

"Ok then," he whispered, turning his back to her and going toward his tent. "That was more awkward than the actual event I think." He was a little pissed that she had just dismissed him like that, glancing over his shoulder in her direction, seeing her go inside the red tent and zip it shut. "Geez, a little anti-social I presume?"

He suddenly recalled where he heard that name Amber from; it was the name of the girl that had written in the trail book. The one that was complaining about hiking with the three she was with.

He stood in his campsite and glanced over in her direction again, assuming it was the same girl, but where were the others that she was hiking with? Did they split up, or did she finally leave them, or he thought, did they leave her? Maybe she was the problem and not them?

He shook it off, not caring either way. It was getting late and he was tired and in need of some shut eye.

He zipped up his tent and laid down on his sleeping bag, looking up at the stars that were coming out in full bloom through the screened roof of his tent. On warm nights when he didn't suspect rain, he would take off the cover flap.

Outside he could hear crickets chirping and the sounds of a crackling fire in the nearby campsite.

He looked to his right where Catherine used to lay, laying the back of his hand on the empty space, feeling that ache for her that could come on at a moments notice, especially at night.

He often thought of her before he went to sleep.

"I miss you," he said quietly, closing his eyes but keeping his hand where it lied as he drifted off to sleep, pretending she were next to him.

…

He crawled out of his tent just after dawn, stretching his arms over his head, feeling refreshed. The morning was crisp but dry. The dew on the ground and leaves were already beginning to dry, which told him it was going to be a hot day. He was glad he'd be hitting trees and leaving the desert behind, looking forward to the next level of the hike.

He glanced over in the direction of the red tent and saw that it was already gone, wondering which direction Amber Scott took, continuing north to Canada or home, wherever that was?

He contemplated it for about ten seconds before moving on and planning out his day. His goal was Mission Springs Campground, thirty-one miles away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Danny picked up his phone with a wide grin, seeing the picture of Steve he'd taken about two years before as he lay in the sand, buried up to his neck. He had let Gracie have her fun while the three of them spent a lazy Sunday afternoon at Waimanalo Beach Park.

"Hey, mountain man," Danny smiled, "how you doing?!"

"Hey Danny," Steve replied, "The mountain man you got right. You should see the beard I've got sprouting. I'll send you a pic. You'll laugh your ass off. I bet you won't even recognize me."

Danny laughed over the vision of clean cut Steve with an oversized beard. "I need to see that."

"How's everything back home?"

"We're surviving. Chin and Kono are out on a call and I'm doing paperwork."

"What kind of call?"

"Why? Are you going to solve it over the phone? Let it go, none of your concern. So how's the hike going? You're obviously still alive."

"It's going pretty well. Have you been getting the pictures I've been sending?"

"Yea. I like the one that looks like you were on top of a mountain looking down into a valley."

"It was just a bluff I went over. That was actually the last part of the desert. On the other side is where I started running into trees, finally. It was starting to get hotter than shit and I was sweating buckets and smelling like a wet dog."

Danny laughed over that.

"Man, I could barely stand myself."

"When do you shower?"

"When I can, but it's not very often. I've rinsed off in a few creeks here and there, but no washer and dryer in sight," he chuckled.

"Glad I'm not around for that show. So, besides smelling bad, how else do you feel? Any better?" he quickly backtracked, thinking that might have sounded insensitive. "I mean, well you know…is it helping?"

Steve thought about that question for a couple of seconds before answering.

"It's peaceful. It's quiet. It can be very lonely at times too, but then I think of her. It's hard to explain, but sometimes I feel her with me. Does that sound crazy?"

"No. You lost someone you loved. Hopefully that feeling will never go away."

Steve smiled, liking that reply. "Thanks Danny."

"Where are you right now?"

"I think I'm near Big Bear Lake because I took out my phone to snap a picture and realized I have service. I just finished climbing this spot that just kept going up, thought I was never going to reach the top. I came out to an open area and suddenly everything opened up to this beautiful view. I'll send you a pick."

Danny looked down at the paperwork on his desk, feeling a little envious of Steve's trip but knew it was what he needed. "Ok, sounds good. Hey, I mailed out that first box two days ago to the address in Cajon Pass. I've been tracking it and it's supposed to arrive on time."

"Great! Thanks Danny. I'm in need of some supplies."

"How are your feet holding up?"

"Pretty good," Steve replied, looking down at his hiking boots. "I made the right decision to spend the extra on these boots. My feet have molded right in to them. Only two blisters so far."

"I'm impressed."

"Me too. Hey, I'm going to cut out. I don't want my phone to die on the trail and I still have fifteen miles to go today to reach my goal destination. I'll call again when I can."

"Ok, take care, Buddy. I'll talk to you soon."

He hung up and took a selfie with his overgrown beard and the beautiful view in the background. He turned and admired the scene for another minute before sending Danny the picture and tucking his phone back away.

The hike down the other side of the mountain didn't feel as steep as the climb up. They never do he thought amusingly, looking up at the tall pine trees that kept him cool and shaded from the hot sun. The path was well traveled and made walking relatively easy.

His mind drifted back to Hawaii as he walked, thinking about the case that Danny refused to fill him in on, which was probably for the best, but it got his thoughts drifting to other cases they had solved and the one murder case that they never had.

Every once in a while he'd pull up the file and go over it trying to find something they had missed. It had been three years and it was still cold. It had completely consumed him in the first six months after, but eventually he let it go, taking Danny's advice, assuring him that even though they hadn't caught the murderer, karma would. It was inevitable.

His thoughts were interrupted hearing something out of the ordinary, animal like, stopping in his tracks and quickly scanning the area, but only hearing the sound of the breeze overhead moving the trees.

He shook it off and started walking again.

The next sound he heard was unmistakable.

"Go away!" she yelled but not in a high pitched tone, more of a low growl with her arms over her head, waving them back and forth. "Get out of here!"

Steve picked up his pace and saw her through the trees about a hundred feet ahead, witnessing the odd display, wondering what in the hell she was doing and then all at once he understood, hearing the growl from the mountain lion.

"Shit! Shit!" Amber whispered, the fear in her voice was clear even in the low tone.

"Hey," Steve said calmly, as he came up behind her with his gun drawn, hanging down at his right side.

Amber turned her head shocked to hear another voice, which made the lion nervous as he slowly took a step closer to her, his body slightly hunched as if he were ready to pounce at any given moment.

Steve kept his eyes on the animal, not wanting to shoot it if he didn't have to but not opposed to it either if he had to.

"Keep your arms up and slowly back up toward me," he said. "Don't make eye contact with it, they find that aggressive."

"I know," she replied, doing as he instructed, one small step at a time while he went toward her.

The lion lowered his stance even further letting out a long growl feeling even more threatened by the second invader.

Steve raised his gun and aimed it right over the lion's head to the tree behind him and fired.

The woman screamed and the lion jerked, darting off to the right and up the hill not bothering to look back as he ran off.

"Are you crazy?!" she yelled, twirling around and looking angrily at him. "You could have warned me?!"

"Sorry," Steve replied with a slight chuckle as he put away his gun. "He looked like he was about to pounce on you."

She glanced back over to where the animal had been and let out a deep sigh of relief. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I hate guns." She turned back to him. "Thank you though." It was then that she recognized him as the man who had his backpack stolen and had come running out of the men's room naked as a jaybird three days earlier.

"Oh, its you."

She couldn't help but look down his body, recalling what he looked like underneath his shorts and shirt. He was muscular and fit. She turned away, blushing slightly over the memory of all of him that was certainly nothing to be ashamed of in her opinion.

The humiliating moment suddenly caught up with him as well. "Yea, its me. Steve," he said to her, holding out his hand. "And you are…Amber?" he asked.

She shot him a look, tilting her head just slightly looking at him suspiciously, ignoring the friendly hand gesture. "How did you know that?"

He pulled his hand back, "The cop that came and talked to me told me your name. He said you had reported the theft."

"I didn't report it to the police, I reported it to the campground manager."

"Well thanks for saving me the trouble anyway."

"I reported it because I didn't want the same thing to happen to me."

"Well they caught him. It was the cop's nephew."

"Oh great," she rolled her eyes. "I'm sure he'll be punished severely," she said sarcastically.

"He seemed pretty genuine about making sure the kid regretted his actions." Steve defended.

"And you believed him?" she rolled her eyes again.

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because cops are all the same. They watch out for each other no matter the circumstances and they don't give a shit about the victims at the hand of the cop."

"Wow," Steve shook his head, shocked over that analysis, "that is the most untrue statement I think I've ever heard."

She adjusted her backpack on her shoulders. "You obviously haven't had that much experience with them then."

His raised his hand to his forehead, saluting her. "Commander McGarrett, Officer for the State of Hawaii Police Department at your service."

That explained the gun, she thought to herself, having an instant disliking toward him. She didn't trust cops. She was married to one for eleven years and it was hell. He was abusive, a liar and in the end was a heartless coward. She hated him with a deep angered passion that would live with her for the rest of her life. She had no mercy for him or his deceased soul, hoping he was rotting in hell and experiencing every horrible, nightmarish thing she had ever read about Hades.

She looked at Steve with narrowed eyes, trying to see past the heavy beard to the man behind it and the blue eyes that didn't look like cop eyes. He didn't act like a cop either. She could usually spot them even out of uniform a mile away. The ones she knew were arrogant as hell, even the women. He didn't seem that way really, but shooting off his gun the way he had made him seem somewhat arrogant. They were always so tough with a gun and a badge, but take it off and they were just a man, most of them less than a man in her opinion.

"I've been a police officer for almost eight years," he added, not getting a verbal reaction from her but could see in her eyes her disliking towards him. "We're not all assholes you know. I think that was a pretty unfair comment, especially considering I just saved your ass from that mountain lion with the same gun I use for my duty as a low down dirty cop."

He didn't like her either. At first he thought her to be quite pretty, considering the messy condition she was in on this strenuous hike, not that he was attracted to her by any means. In his mental state that was the furthest thing from his mind, it wasn't just his opinion about her good looks though, it was simply a fact, but the more she talked the less attractive she became.

She had wounded him with her words, feeling slightly ashamed over it; after all he was right about saving her ass. She could have easily become that cat's dinner. The hostility and anger she harbored could rise up out of the blue and strike out, making her out to be a whole other person. She hated that one too.

"You're right," she admitted, "I'm sorry if I went too far. It's just that where I come from it's a very different experience and I know first hand the…" she stopped there, not wanting to say anymore, feeling her anger growing and with that always came the grief that was twice fold. Last time she barely talked herself off the ledge, literally speaking. Two days before she had stood on a boulder looking out over a valley. All she had to do was lean forward and fall and all the pain and suffering she was enduring would be over. It wasn't the first time she had contemplated suicide and was sure it wouldn't be the last. The only thing that kept her from going through with it was Ava and Adam, her children.

"Where are you from?" he asked, curious about her now.

"A small town in Indiana. I'm sure you've never heard of it." She looked beyond him up the hill where the cat had run off too, hoping he was gone for good. It was her first experience since the beginning of the hike that she'd encountered an animal that could do her physical harm and she hoped too that it was her last sighting. "I guess we're square now. You saved my ass from being a dinner item and I saved yours from getting ripped off. I'm going to get going, so…thanks again." It was kind of awkward to break away, considering they were on the same hike, going in the same direction.

She finally reached her hand out to him, deciding she at least owed him that.

He glanced down at it and was perplexed over this woman. It was as if she had spilt personalities. One second she was throwing daggers at him and the next she was wanting to shake his hand. He wasn't about to feed in to her disliking of cops and fuel her anger, wondering what in the hell they had done to her to make her dislike the police so much.

He began to follow behind her. "Weren't you with some others? I saw what you had written in the log book."

She regretted writing what she had but at the time she was so angry with them. "They decided to quit and go home."

"I hope it didn't ruin the friendship? And I think its pretty cool that you decided to continue on by yourself."

It would have been something Catherine would have done too, he thought.

"They weren't my friends," she admitted. "They were just some people I had met back home that were doing the hike too so I joined up with them. Big mistake."

"Were they the cops you were speaking of that put such a bad taste in your mouth about us?" he stopped as she turned around.

"Steve was it?" she said as if barely remembering his name and not caring if she got it wrong.

"Yea," he replied, assuming he was about to get hammered on again, knowing he had gone too far with his line of questions, not even sure why he had continued the conversation, maybe he was just lonely from being on the trail for so long by himself, but she was the last person he wanted to hike with, feeling his good mood that had been with him quickly fading.

"Look, I appreciate what you did back there, but I'm not looking for a hiking partner, ok?" His line of intrusive questions was already bugging her. He was a cop all right. They just couldn't let up until they knew every little fact and she wasn't about to divulge to him her reasoning behind disliking his kind, or why she had decided to continue on alone, or why she had chosen this agonizing hike to begin with.

He took a step back and raised his hands up as if he meant her no harm. "Sorry, go ahead."

"No," she countered, "actually, you go ahead. You'll be faster than me." She liked that idea better, that way she could keep the distance she wanted from him.

He pulled up a smile as he went by her, "Take care, Amber Scott. Happy trails." As he walked past the smile quickly faded, '_Good riddance, you're a buzz killer,' _he thought.

"Yea, happy trails to you too," she said watching him walk off down the path until he disappeared around the bend and left her alone in the forest once again.

She didn't want a hiking partner but she also couldn't deny the uneasiness that came over her once he was out of sight.

She glanced up the hill again looking for the mountain lion when she suddenly jumped, hearing a noise behind her in the bushes.

"What is that?" she whispered, but didn't wait around to find out, moving on down the trail at a quick pace in the direction Steve had just gone.

He glanced over his shoulder and saw nothing but trees as he did, scratching his bearded face, glad to be rid of her too.

He'd bet a million dollars against anyone that she'd never see Canada.

…..

Amber tossed her backpack in the tent and turned to her stove.

She flipped the switch several times that was supposed to cause a spark, which would create the flame, but was having no success. She turned the stove on its side and realized the valve had been left open and the propane was out.

"Shit! Shit!" she growled, knowing it would be at least three days before she would be to a town that sold the type of propane she would need.

She glanced down at the meal in a bag that was going to be her dinner, knowing that was now out of the question. She did a quick analysis of what food she did have available, except for a few granola bars and nuts; everything needed hot water to eat properly.

She wondered how long it would take if she forwent the boiling water in the meal bag of Stroganoff and just used the cold water she had. Would it even soften the noodles? After contemplating the pros and cons, she decided to forgo the idea, not wanting to waste the food if it didn't turn out right.

Instead she settled for a half a cup of oatmeal and some lukewarm water that had been sitting in the sun while she set up camp. It wasn't the ideal dinner by any means, but she was hungry and it did the trick, not looking forward to the morning though when she'd have to eat it again.

As she was cleaning up the bowl she got a whiff of something in the air that made her stomach growl. She stood up glancing around; knowing whom it belonged too, but didn't realize they were this close in vicinity that she could smell his dinner cooking.

She set down the bowl in her hands and walked over to a group of trees behind where her tent was set up, quietly making her way through them, hiding behind each one as she did. About twenty-five yards away she saw his blue tent set up, but didn't see him. The smell of the cooking food made her realize she was still hungry, but not hungry enough to eat one of the granola bars that she used for her lunches on the hike, or hungry enough to ask him to boil some water for her. That would make her look weak and incompetent. She was neither she thought stubbornly and turned, going back to her camp.

Steve saw her through the trees as he came back from relieving himself. He tried to do any kind of bathroom duties as far away from his campsite as possible and always buried the evidence regardless of which it was. The rules of the trail were clear, leave no trace behind that you were ever there. It was a courtesy to others as well as a safe practice for animals that might be drawn by the scent.

He watched her observing his campsite, wondering if he should say anything, but didn't really want to indulge in another conversation with her, let alone invite her over to his camp.

He caught the smell of his dinner cooking and ignored her, wanting it before it cooled off too much. She had ruined his afternoon on the hike; he wasn't about to let her ruin his dinner too.

….

Amber sat on the ground next to her tent and stared at the twigs and dried pine needles that she had gathered earlier for a fire while setting up her campsite, knowing now that without the flame from the stove not only would there be no hot dinner, there would be no fire either.

She glanced down at her hands that were red from trying to get a spark going with inertia from rubbing a stick on a piece of bark, using some of the dried pine needles, recalling the movie 'Castaway' and how Tom Hanks had finally succeeded, but all she had so far were sore hands with no spark in sight.

She looked over her shoulder toward Steve's campsite and knew for a fact that he had a fire going; she could smell it. She tried to decide if she wanted to go over and ask him if she could just get a flame from him? She could use the excuse that she didn't want to burn up her stove that was running low on fuel.

In the end she decided against it. She didn't need a fire that badly, opting to just go to bed. It had been a long day and she was both physically and emotionally exhausted.

With an early night sleep she would be up before him in the morning and get a head start. She wanted to be ahead of him from now on.

She lay back and listened to the noises around her, every now and then hearing him as he put things away or zipped up his tent. The sound traveled far amongst the trees as much as it did water, not knowing that fact until right then. It sounded as if he were only ten yards away, which in a way was surprisingly comforting too.

She rolled over and zipped up her bag, not wanting to feel the need for anyone else, or to feel comforted by another person either. She had to get used to this life of being alone. It was one of the reasons she had chosen to continue on by herself after the others had quit. She needed to stand on her own, feeling if she could make it to the end of this hike then she could do anything, including going home.

She heard the hissing of his fire as he doused it with water from the nearby creek, waiting for the final zip up of his tent as he went to bed, picturing him with his scruffy beard and short hair, wondering if he always kept it that short or if he had cut it off for the hike?

'_What do you care,'_ she thought irritably, closing her eyes and trying to clear her mind, wanting to go to sleep.

'_Think about the supplies you need_,' she thought, making a list in her head and counting them and then repeating it over and over so as not to forget.

She finally drifted off with six items that she needed.

…

Steve woke out of a dead sleep to the sound of a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream.

By the time he got out of his sleeping bag his heart was pumping as if he'd just run a marathon, assured that Amber was encountering some kind of wild animal or worse yet, a human intruder in her camp. He slipped his shoes on, already having a pair of cut-off sweat pants on that were the length of shorts that he slept in.

He came out of his tent with his gun and flashlight, shinning it in the direction of her camp, quickly making his way over to where he had seen her earlier.

As he came closer his light caught the shinny metal of the tent poles and he quickly scanned the area, only having heard the scream once, hoping now he hadn't been dreaming but was positive he had heard what he heard, a woman's scream, and she was the only woman around for miles.

There didn't seem to be any sound or trace of an animal but did hear a muffled cry as he came into her camp.

"Amber?" he said quietly but with concern in his voice. "Are you alright?"

She quickly turned her head to the sound of his voice, assuming the worse from him. "What are you doing here?!"

"I heard you scream. Are you alright?"

The nightmare had awoken her and like the others she had frantically screamed in them but didn't know she had physically done it in real life, startling her even more.

"I'm…I'm fine," she stammered. "Go back. Go back to your camp."

He didn't like the anxiety in her voice.

"Are you sure? Can I come in?" he asked, feeling the cop side of him kick in and wanting to make sure for himself that she wasn't being held against her will.

"No! I said I'm fine."

He paused, frustrated over the situation, glancing back over to his own camp, but couldn't make the move to leave until he was satisfied for himself that she was really ok.

"Amber please, just…" he sighed, "I'm a cop. I need to physically see you to make sure, ok? I'm sorry but that's the way it is. I can't change it know matter how much you hate me for it."

_'Cops!'_ she thought angrily, _'No privacy, ever!'_

She huffed and threw the sleeping bag cover off of her and crawled over to the tent and angrily unzipped it, looking up at him with red, blood-shot eyes. "Satisfied?!" But he wasn't standing like she had anticipated; he was squatting down right in front of her, eye level, with the flashlight pointed at the ground but she could still see his eyes in the faint light. They weren't angry or impatient or even accusing, they were genuinely concerned over her situation.

She was startled over the sincere worry that he had for her, feeling bad now for the way she was behaving. "I'm fine, really," she said with more patients in her voice. "I just had a bad dream is all."

He nodded, glancing past her into the tent, satisfied that she was indeed all right. "Ok, I'm sorry to be so intrusive, but…"

"Its ok," she said, dropping her eyes in shame, "thank you." She looked back up at him and was startled again over the expression in his eyes that seemed to be truly pleased that she was all right. His dark beard covered most of his smile but she could still make it out in the faint light.

He stood up and made sure not to flash the light in her face as he pointed it toward his own tent. "I'm just over there if you need anything."

Amber nodded not looking up at him again, feeling embarrassed over her situation. "I'll be fine. Thank you."

"Sweet dreams this time around," he said as he walked off.

She let out an unexpected laugh over that, not feeling the dread from the nightmare that she always had before. She was calm and felt at ease, two feelings that had not been in her system for over a year.

She sat back on her heels and listened as he made his way back over to his tent, still reeling over the encounter. He wasn't like the others, she thought, not by a long shot.

Steve crawled back inside his tent and zipped it up, slipping his shoes off again and tucking his gun back in the backpack. Twice now he'd had to pull it out, relieved that he had it both times. He'd debated whether or not to bring it in the first place. It suddenly dawned on him that both times he used it was because of her, wondering again if she was physically capable of doing this hike on her own. He didn't want a hiking partner, and he certainly didn't want to be a babysitter.

He was debating with himself whether or not he should keep an eye on her, leaning more toward the 'not' side. She seemed capable enough to get through each days hike and set up her camp. It wasn't his responsibly to babysit every hiker that came out here. He was there for a reason and this notion he had was impeding on that. In the end he talked himself out of it, but something inside of him was not sitting well with the decision. He could hear Bax's last words to him after refusing the ten dollar reward money, "_Pay it forward,"_ wondering if this was his time for that.

_'Let it go,'_ he thought to himself. _'Just let it go. Get up and move on in the morning. She'll be fine. If something happens it's not your fault.' _

It was that last sentence that really struck him hard, finding the reason behind the argument. He rolled over to try and find a more comfortable position and to try and get away from it, but it was there and it wasn't a strange feeling either, he recognized it clear as day.

He closed his eyes and pictured Catherine being struck by the car. He wasn't at the scene to witness it but had seen the reports of how it had gone down, replaying it in his mind over and over thousands of times since that fateful day. He had heard one of the officer's say that it was a classic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But he knew deep down inside that that wasn't true.

He had put her in that place by stalling her run because of the ridiculous argument. Twenty minutes earlier and she would have been in the right place at the right time and he wouldn't be lying there in the middle of nowhere with his gut in knots and his eyes once again filled with tears over the loss of her.

He suddenly felt drained and weak, losing any kind of motivation to return to the hike or life post Catherine for that matter. He had been moving forward at a steady pace over the past week but the raw feelings of her death had crept back up.

He wiped away the moisture from his eyes and stared at his backpack across the way. He didn't want to be responsible for Amber Scott, but the argument with himself was clear now as to why he felt like he had to be. He hadn't been there to prevent Catherine's death and it broke his heart. He had been punishing himself for it ever since. Twice now he had been at the right place at the right time for this other person, maybe it was fate giving him a second chance. He didn't believe in coincidences, everything happened for a reason and him stumbling across this person was like fate in his eyes. He had a job to do and it was to see her through this hike.

It was like an epiphany that filled him once again with a sense of duty and energy. He had found a reason to keep going now, and she was lying about a hundred yards away in a tent.

Unbeknownst to her he needed to see her through this safely. The notion of it was crazy and she would probably think the same if he told her so, so his plan was not to, but to be there to make sure Amber Scott made it to Canada safely.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Steve rolled up his tent and tucked it neatly and securely inside of its designated spot in his backpack. Everything had a place and he never wavered from that. He liked things orderly and neat. A Navy curse, Catherine used to say.

He stood up and stretched his arms over his head and bent over, doing the same for his back and neck before picking up the large pack and throwing it over his right shoulder, quickly slipping his left arm through the other strap and securing it with the two clips.

He glanced around his camp to make sure he wasn't leaving any trash and that his fire from the night before was dead.

He'd cleaned up quickly and wasn't really rushing but was moving faster than he had on a normal morning after realizing Amber had already packed up and left, assuming she was on the trail ahead of him. She couldn't be more than a mile he thought, shocked that he hadn't heard her leave. She would have almost certainly have had to pass right by his campsite, unless he thought, she had purposely gone the long way around to either A, not disturb him, or B, avoid him all together.

The previous nights revelation of watching out for her had toned down a few notches. He wasn't as enthused over it as he had been the night before when his emotions where at a high.

He rolled his eyes at the idea of what he had originally planned. "Like the song says," he said quoting _The Eagles_, one of the few bands he knew, "_Take It Easy_, he sang the title.

"If you see her you see her, if you don't, then oh well, it wasn't meant to be."

He began to sing that song again in his head as he adjusted the pack one more time on his shoulders before making his way to the trailhead and the anticipation of the beginning of a new day, never knowing what could or would happen. That was the biggest pleasure he got from it.

He was over three hundred miles in now and really wanted to start making some good time, pushing himself to get through this next section. He'd be back in the desert after coming down from Baldy Mountain. It wasn't all that bad but knew it would be hot and that meant sweating and that meant he needed more water.

The towns in this part of the hike were few and far between. He was only seventy miles or so from Wrightwood, his first supply pick up that Danny had sent, looking forward to it. He'd run out of trail mix two days before, not realizing it would be his favorite snack on the hike. There was a bag in the supply box, giving him motivation to walk just a little bit faster.

By noon he'd made a pretty good dent in the days trail, not seeing Amber yet, which surprised him. Maybe she had gone back in the other direction, he thought. Maybe she quit.

He shrugged it off, partly relieved over that idea if she had.

The trail had gradually narrowed between two towering walls of rock as he descended the mountain, enjoying the shade from the afternoon sun. He glanced up every once in a while, cautious of falling rocks. He looked ahead and stopped, seeing exactly what he was afraid of, only this massive rockslide had happened some time ago. In the distance was a pile of boulders about thirty to forty-feet high, blocking the trail. But the sight that surprised him the most was Amber, standing at the foot of the obstacle on the path.

"_Well surprise, surprise_," he thought, walking up to her.

"Shit," he moaned as he came up behind her, looking up and surveying the heap of rocks.

Amber turned around startled but wasn't surprised to see him, hoping she wouldn't run into him today, but knew this rock formation was going to slow her down. She had been there about twenty minutes trying to figure a way over it.

To avoid it they would have to hike back about four or five miles and then walk up one of the steep hills that ran along the rock walls in hopes that it met up with the trail again.

"Hi," she said, staring up and pointing. "I was thinking about going this way, over that big one there and then over that way." She glanced over at him as he came and stood next to her, doing his own surveying.

"Hmmm," he moaned, taking a few steps to the side to get a better view. "How stable is it?"

Amber shrugged, "I think pretty stable. I forgot about it but we ran into some guys a couple of weeks ago that were going from Canada to Mexico and warned us about it. From what I remember they said it was pretty solid but to be careful of snakes." She let out a loud moan over that piece of information.

"Really?" Steve said, wiping his hand over his beard as if contemplating his decision. "Ok, well then you go first."

Amber shot him a quick look and then smirked over his playful grin. "Very funny."

He smiled wider as he walked past her, slipping off his backpack and then climbed up the first boulder, seeing what he could see from there. The view was the same and so was the problem.

"I wouldn't wear your pack if I was you," he said to her. "It would be easy to lose your balance."

"What am I supposed to do then, leave it? Or drag it behind me?"

He looked over his shoulder at her not so pleasing tone, replying to her as if she were a child. "You would take your pack and toss it up on the rock ahead of you. Climb up, toss it again, climb up, toss it again…are you getting the picture?" He jumped off the rock and picked up his pack by the handle at the top.

Amber turned her head in both annoyance and embarrassment, scolding herself to stop with the attitude. He didn't deserve it. Her bottled up anger and fear over the past eleven years from being with a man who might have struck her if she spoke so disrespectful was free now. She found herself refusing to kneel to anyone ever again. She didn't like people telling her what to do, especially men, but sometimes that need for total independence came out as a bad attitude, like now.

She took his advice considering it a better plan than any she had come up with. It was simple and seemed doable, watching him as he laid the path for the both of them.

Steve stood on top of the first large boulder, grunting as he tossed his backpack up about ten feet to the next boulder. He turned, squatting down with his hand out to her. "Hand me your pack."

Her first initial reaction was to argue and tell him she could do it herself, but she didn't. She handed the pack up to him from the bottom so he could grab the handle part. He set it aside and reached his hand down to her next.

She looked up at the scruffy bearded man, taking a hold of his wrist as he clenched onto hers, lifting her easily as she made it up the first boulder. They stood on top of it and Steve took the lead, going to the right and climbing up a section that had smaller more manageable rocks.

"Watch out for snakes," Amber reminded him.

He made it up to where he'd tossed his pack and knelt down, reaching over the side for hers. "Hand it up."

They repeated the same process seven more times until they had managed to make it over the top and safely down the other side.

Amber jumped off the last boulder and smiled triumphantly as she glanced back up at the obstacle that proved doable.

"We did it!"

Steve smiled as he slipped his pack back on again. "Cooperation."

She held on to the handle of her pack as it rested against her leg. Cooperation maybe, she thought but knew it would have been a lot harder if she had gone about it alone.

"Thank you," she said sincerely. "I don't think I could have made it over so easily without your help."

She had done well, but he was used to strong women like Catherine or Kono who didn't need assistance. Cat wouldn't have needed help or directions on how to maneuver the obstacle, she would have raced him over the top, he thought proudly. Amber's lack of experience in situations like this brought him back to the night before and his challenge to see her through the hike.

"Can I ask you a question?" he inquired, eyeing her curiously.

Amber fidgeted slightly; both curious and a little nervous over the question he wanted to ask. "Sure, I guess." deciding that if it was too personal she wouldn't answer. She didn't owe him that much, but she did owe him a little gratitude.

"What do you do for a living back in…Ohio is it?"

"Indiana," she corrected him, improving her posture, standing perfectly erect before she answered him as if defending her status. "I…"she swallowed and then looked him directly in the eyes. "I'm a stay at home mom. I didn't work. I…I don't work."

Steve was a little shocked over that but didn't show it, wondering what in the hell ever brought her halfway across the country to do this hike, and alone for that matter? She obviously had kids and maybe even a husband, so being away from them for this long must be a challenge in itself. But like him and hundreds of others, the PCT was a calling that was none of his business why she was there or anyone else's. They all had their reasons.

"A stay at home mom and you claim you don't work?" he chuckled. "I heard that's the hardest job there is."

She was pleasantly surprised over his response, not expecting it, on the contrary she expected a roll of the eyes, or worse yet a reprimand for being out there and having no skills and for leaving her children behind.

"How old are your kids?"

She turned away from him then and bent over picking up her pack, "Ten and seven," she responded quietly, lifting the pack on to her shoulder.

"Good ages. Boy and girl?"

She nodded but didn't respond as she fastened the belt across her chest, feeling her throat begin to tighten over talking about Adam and Ava. They were on her mind 24/7 but it had been weeks since she had spoken about them to anyone and it hurt, missing them terribly, trying desperately to fight off the pain associated with it.

Steve got the notion right away that the subject of her kids was taboo. He didn't have any but knew when asked most parents were more than eager to talk about their children, some too much. Amber on the other hand was almost avoiding the subject. He of course was curious as to why, but again, it was none of his business, so he let it go.

"Did you have a set plan for todays hike?" he asked, changing the subject.

She quickly cleared the moisture from her eyes. "Um, yes. Creek Ridge area, I guess. I have a package in Wrightwood that I really need to get to."

"Yea me too," Steve responded, his mouth watering just thinking about the trail mix.

His response sounded as if he really needed something just as urgently from his package as well. "Are you out of fuel too?" she asked.

He shook his head, "No, are you?" he asked, shocked over that. He wasn't even halfway through his yet.

She dug the toe of her foot in the gravel dirt, wishing she hadn't confessed that. "Yes, but it's not that big of a deal."

He knew that was an outrageous lie, but didn't counter it.

They stood there in the shadow of the great obstacle as if not sure which way to go, even though there was only one exit route.

Steve glanced at his watch and motioned with his hand in that direction. "We better get moving if we're going to make Creek Ridge by night fall."

She knew it would be ridiculous to not walk with him now the rest of the day. They were headed in the same direction and it would have been more than awkward to deny him again.

"Yea, you're right. I hate setting up camp in the dark."

He led the way and Amber followed just a step behind this time rather than a lengthy distance.

…

They walked the rest of the afternoon together, stopping occasionally to take a drink and admire the scenery but mostly they kept silent, but every now and then a conversation would come up that mainly focused on the hike. They discussed places they had passed since starting out on the Mexican boarder and places they both dreaded or were anxious to see on their way to the Canadian boarder. It wasn't awkward which surprised both of them, but it wasn't necessarily overly friendly either, it was simply cordial.

"Have you ever done anything like this before?" Steve asked her.

"No, have you?"

Steve shrugged slightly as he walked in front of her. "I've been on some pretty long hikes but not this long," he chuckled.

"Do you do a lot of hiking in Hawaii?"

He couldn't answer that without thinking of Catherine. She was his partner in everything he did, including outdoor activities, which mostly consisted of hiking. "Yes, I did. I used to, but not so much anymore." He felt that blow to his chest, missing her and wishing she were there walking next to him.

She right away noticed the change in his voice that became sullen and the slouch in his shoulders as he walked. She had hit on something that didn't sit well with him; that was obvious, deciding to change the subjects off of themselves. She didn't want to discuss her personal life and was pretty sure now that he didn't either.

"The people I was hiking with from the start had bragged about hiking in the Rockies, but I knew more than they did and everything I learned was from the Internet."

Steve slowed down and let her catch up with him. He had wondered about them and what had happened. "How did you hook up with them?"

"The Internet," she said again. "They were from Colorado and were on this website that hooked up experienced hikers with not so experienced hikers," she raised her hand as if admitting that was she, "and the experienced ones were willing to take on hikers like me and see them through the PCT. But shit," she laughed, but not happily, "they were horrible! I honestly don't think that website checks out the people. I bet they just filled out some bogus questionnaire and boom!" she clapped her hands together, "They were expert hikers, in their own minds only!" she huffed.

Steve laughed, "Damn that sucks."

"Oh my god," Amber sighed, "You have no idea. I was so pissed off when they quit but then after the first night on my own, I was so happy they quit."

"I saw the note you left in the first log. I admit I felt kinda bad for you."

"Well don't, I feel a lot better now. They were slow too. They always wanted to stop," her voice filled with annoyance and she continued on, "and the selfies! Oh my god, it was crazy! All the time! I started staying out of them and would just keep walking. I think after the third night they started getting annoyed with me too. I think they thought this was going to be some vacation hike but when I mentioned that we really needed to start hiking more than twenty miles a day," she put her hand up, "well they didn't like that at all. They wanted to savor the moments. Well shit, I want to savor the moments too, but not for eleven months, and at the pace we were on that's how long it would have taken us. I finally got them to understand that and once they did and the," she used her fingers as quotation marks, " 'real' hike kicked in, then they all started whining and moaning about how hard it was and how hot it was and the bug bites and blah blah blah."

"Didn't they ever read up on the PCT?" he asked, starting to get annoyed with them himself. "They had to know how hard it was?"

"I don't know I guess not. I really didn't get that far with them, but get this," she grabbed his arm as she started laughing, "one of them, Mitch, brought spices with him, spices!" They both laughed over that. "Can you imagine, taking up space for some garlic salt?!"

"Amateurs," Steve chuckled.

"I'm no expert, not by a long shot," Amber admitted, but I did pack smartly.

"I think its great that you continued on by yourself?" Steve added sincerely. "What's your motivation? Pure determination, a personal goal?"

Amber was pleased over his first statement, but was hesitant to answer his second. "I just didn't want to give up yet. I wasn't ready." Her true reason was that she didn't want to go home. She couldn't, not yet. She wasn't ready, not sure she ever would be.

"Good for you," he replied, glancing over at her as they walked. "Your kids will be proud of you. They'll have bragging rights that their mom did one of the hardest hikes in the world."

That statement should have made her proud and happy, knowing that was the intention, but it did just the opposite. "Don't talk about my children," she snapped and then pulled back, toning down the harshness of her voice. "I don't want to talk about them, ok?"

He didn't understand the circumstances behind that and wasn't sure he wanted to either. "Ok," he agreed. "Everyone has their reasons for being here and not everyone wants to brag about it or talk about it. It's no ones business. I understand."

She looked over at him, hearing something in his voice that told her he really did understand, wondering what demons he was harboring to bring him too on such a journey of complete solitude. But she didn't ask, it was none of her business and she wasn't sure she wanted to know either.

So they walked in silence again, but same as before it wasn't an awkward one. It was surprisingly comfortable.

They made Creek Ridge campsite by nightfall as planned and set up their tents without any kind of discussion or plan, unlike the night before they weren't at a yelling distance away from one another, but a close speaking distance, practically sharing a campsite.

Steve tossed his backpack in the tent and glanced over at Amber as she finished putting hers together too. He opted to not help her, considering that would be rude in this situation. So instead he sat down half in and half out of his tent and untied his boots, knowing this was the day he'd been dreading.

He carefully slipped them off and then his socks, revealing a large bubbled blister under his right big toe.

"Shit," he moaned, knowing he had to pop it and let it heal overnight or he'd be playing hell in the morning. He knew there was no way he could put those boots back on to hike. He'd have to wear his hiking sandals. The timing was bad since they were going to start making the trek back up into the forest and the ground might be wet and slippery. He contemplated just letting it be in hopes that it would dissipate overnight, but knew the chances were unlikely. When it came down to it, he just didn't want to experience the pain of popping it nor the task of cleaning it. He'd seen his share of blood and wounds during battle, some of which he'd tended to, but when it came to his own body, now that was entirely something else.

"Do you have a blister?" Amber asked, looking over at him as he examined the bottom of his foot.

"Yes, its fricking huge."

"You have to pop it," she explained as she filtered through her bag.

"I know. I'm just staling." He gently touched it with his finger, cringing over the uncomfortable pressure that he felt from it.

"You're being a big baby," Amber declared as she stood over him now with a small white box in her right hand.

He looked up at her irritably, "No I'm not!"

"Then do it, right now." She crossed her arms waiting as if challenging him.

He looked back down at the nuisance and touched the bubble once again. "I need to get my knife."

"Oh for gods sake," she said impatiently, getting on her knees. She reached over and smacked his hand out of the way and then opened the little white case.

"All right, all right," he replied anxiously. "You don't have to be so pushy. I can do it you know."

"With a knife?" she chuckled, shaking her head. "It needs to be sterilized or it will get an infection. Do you want that? Do you?"

"No!" He leaned back just a bit, surprised by her tone, holding his foot as if protecting it. "You don't have to be so mean," he said nervously. "Please don't take that aggression out on my toe."

Amber couldn't help but smile over that, rolling her eyes. "I'm not being mean, but you are being kind of a baby about this. It's just a blister." She motioned with her fingers for him to give her his foot. "C'mon, let me see it."

He hesitantly allowed her to look, sitting back on his hands as she sat down on her butt, holding the foot up so she could see it.

"Hmm, that's not so bad."

She set his foot down and picked up the medical kit and took out a needle along with a wrapped alcohol swab, putting it in her teeth and ripping it open. She swiped the moist cloth over the needle a couple of times and then held his foot up again and gently wiped the pad over the blister, glancing up his body, meeting his eyes. "How was that? Was that gentle enough?"

"Very nice," he smiled. "Sorry about the odor," he said sheepishly.

Amber shrugged. "Its not that bad. You should smell my tent. Sometimes I keep the top off even when it's cold in hopes of airing it out."

"Me too," Steve chuckled. "One time I was walking and smelled something and thought it was a wild animal, but it turned out that I was the wild animal."

Amber looked up at him from her duty and laughed. "That must have been some smell."

"It was. Luckily I got a shower that night."

"Have you only had that one shower?"

"Yes," he said innocently, forgetting about their first encounter and then all at once it dawned on him, feeling his face flush, but thank god the beard covered it.

"That wasn't a very relaxing shower though was it" she replied with a teasing grin.

Steve sighed heavily hoping she would have just let it pass, "No, it wasn't. But I did get my stuff back, regardless of how. Thanks to you."

"And," she said, ignoring his last comment, squirting some antibacterial ointment on the empty blister, "you are all fixed up here."

He leaded forward and looked at the bottom of his foot, surprised over the fact that he hadn't felt her pop it at all.

"Wow! You should be a nurse."

"I was going to be," she confessed as she packed up the contents of the small case and closed it. "Just let that air out for a while. Do you have any Band-Aids?"

"Yes. How come you didn't become one? A nurse I mean?"

She stood up, "You know…life happens. Things change."

"Its never too late." He blew on his toe, trying to dry the ointment.

She quickly changed the subject. "So since I don't have a billing address for you can I ask for another form of payment for services rendered?"

Steve looked up at her, curious over what she had in mind, "Sure, what is it?"

"I'm out of stove fuel. Can I borrow some? I have a supply when we get to Wrightwood, but for now, I'm out."

"How long have you been out for?"

"Just a couple of days." She neglected to tell him why, learning her lesson and not needing a lecture on the routine of making sure your stove was shut off.

"Sure, you can use mine. I should have enough to supply us both for tonight and tomorrow morning."

Amber smiled, feeling her stomach growl just over the thought of having a hot meal again. "Ok, thanks. Just let me know when you are all done."

"Are you using dehydrated packs?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Then I'll just boil enough water for both of us."

"Ok," she smiled.

He was pretty sure that was the first time he'd honestly seen her smile from pure happiness. She looked different, he thought, more relaxed and not so rigid. He liked that side of her, pleased that he was able to bring it out of her.

He went to get up and she put a hand on his shoulder, "Why don't you just sit tight and wait for that blister to air dry and I'll boil the water?"

"You aren't trying to catch me off guard and steal my stove are you?" he joked.

Amber tilted head and raised an eyebrow, "No! But if I did, you'd never be able to catch me, naked or not."

Steve let out a laugh over that unexpected reply, "I don't want to try, so please just take it."

"I won't, so just relax."

She got the water going as he sat on the ground with his bare foot exposed filtering through the pocket of his backpack that held the remaining dehydrated meals, trying to decide what to have for dinner as he looked up seeing a very appetizing pouch in her hand.

"You have mac and cheese?!" It was more of a 'wow' statement than a question.

She looked at the pack in her hand, "Yes. I have a couple left. Why, do you like mac and cheese?"

"It's my favorite but I ran out last week."

"Really?" she said intrigued. "So what flavors do you have left?"

He pulled out what was left in the pocket and set them in the grass before them, spreading them out.

Amber knelt down and shuffled through them, seeing a couple of beef stew packets and a linguini among a couple of others she didn't really care for when she spotted her favorite as well, lasagna.

"Would you like to do a bit of trading?" she asked.

Steve smiled over that idea, "Ok. That sounds good," he said reaching down for the lasagna and pulling it off the pile, "except for this one."

"Hey, hold on a minute there. Don't get grabby. If I'm giving up something as valuable as mac and cheese I want something just as valuable in return."

"I have beef stew," he said enthusiastically.

Amber tilted her head as if on to his game, "You have two, if they are so good why do you still have two?"

He growled a little, "You want the lasagna don't you?"

"Well it depends, how bad do you want the mac and cheese," she grinned, holding the packet up with her fingers and letting it swing back and forth, trying to entice him.

He took all of about five seconds to decide and tossed her the packet of lasagna. "Ok deal."

She smiled happily again and picked up the pack. "My mouth is watering."

"Me too," he confessed. "Is the water done yet?"

"No, and don't look at it or it will never boil!" she joked.

They both chuckled over that.

She was pleasantly surprised that she was actually enjoying him. He wasn't like the other men in her life back home that she knew. Most of them were police officers since her husband had been one and eventually over the course of the eleven years of their marriage he had weeded out her old friends and they only associated with his. Their wives were nice but Kevin had always kept her on a tight leash when it came to socializing. She wasn't even sure when or how it had happened, but one day she realized she really had no close friends of her own, while he golfed and fished with many of his co-workers.

She looked across at Steve and thought how different of a person he was than the other officers she knew. She had put a label on him only because she didn't know better, and now she did. He wasn't arrogant or the least bit pushy, nor did he seem to have the slightest bit of the trait that she had been most watchful for, mean tempered. On the contrary, he was always patient and listened to her when she talked. She didn't feel the least bit threatened by him, which was a nice change. She didn't want to be the negative, angry and distrustful person that Kevin had turned her into. She wanted to be carefree like she used to be post marriage. She wanted to trust again. She wanted to live without fear and sadness. She just wanted some kind of joy in her life, but was finding it out of reach over the past year. This hike was her last attempt to try and find the woman she used to be. She needed to move on in a new world and leave the old one that had destroyed everything she loved and held close to her heart behind.

"That looks so good," Steve said as he poured the hot water into the packet of freeze-dried mac and cheese and watched the food come alive. "Good trade."

Amber did the same to her lasagna and moaned, "It does look good. I wish I could wash it down with a McDonalds chocolate shake."

"Oh man!" Steve moaned. "I haven't had McDonalds in years. I could use a Quarter Pounder right about now."

"And a large order of fries with about ten packets of ketchup."

"And onion rings!"

"You have to go to Burger King for onion rings," she corrected him, "but they are good too."

Steve laughed over her knowledge of that, "I guess with two kids you would know the menus better than I."

She just realized she had never asked him any personal questions about himself, nor had he divulged any information either, not that she cared, but it made her wonder if maybe he too was there for reasons beyond the task of just accomplishing the world renown PCT. She liked that about their relationship, if you could even call it that…she wasn't even sure what kind of label to put on what they were to each other. They weren't friends. They weren't hiking partners, yet. They were just two people who stumbled on to one another during the most difficult 2100 miles of their life, including other equally difficult life issues as well, at least for her.

He noticed that she didn't react to that statement, giving her the opportunity to talk about her kids, but it was avoided once again. He quickly realized that the subject was off limits and he respected her wishes on that too. It pleased him as well that she also was not one to ask questions, relieved that the 'marriage' question hadn't come up. He didn't want to talk about Catherine with a stranger. It was hard enough getting through the day with her constantly on his mind, but verbally speaking about her was far too emotional for him to handle right now, remembering the breakfast with Bax and his father. Yes, he had to admit this odd, new relationship he had going with Amber was more than he had anticipated. Once she let her guard down she was pretty good company.

He figured he'd make the invitation available to her one more time to hike with him, but then that was it. If she turned him down again and wanted to part ways at Wrightwood then so be it.

"You know," he began, "we're going to be hitting the higher elevation pretty soon. Some places they say are good to have a hiking partner." He was speaking more for her benefit than his own, assured he could make it unscathed. "What do you think?"

She knew exactly what he was asking of her. He wanted to partner up on the rest of the hike, or at least for next month or two until they were clear of the California Mountains.

He could see her mind working out that question, giving her the time to do so.

"You think about it tonight and let me know," he said patiently. "Some people want to be on their own and I respect that. This is a once in a life time event for most of us so you have to do what is best for you."

His openness to let her make up her own mind and the fact that he didn't bring up the point that she might need help getting over the mountains intrigued her. He needed her help too. She felt there were no romantic innuendos in that invitation either. He never looked upon her that way, nor made the type of rude and suggestive comments that most men she had known would have about seeing him in that awkward position on their first encounter. She was sure that Chris; her husband's partner would have said something demeaning and crude if she ever saw him naked, covering his own embarrassment by making her feel dirty and ashamed. They were good at that, both he and Kevin. Steve on the other hand was genuinely embarrassed, yet he didn't berate her when she had teased him about it. He had a good sense of humor, which was rare she thought. She decided that walking with him would be easy. He didn't ask questions about her personal life either. That sealed it for her right there.

"Ok," she said as he started to get up. "I think that's a good idea. I'm game. But if things begin to break down, then we have the right to vacate, no feelings hurt, deal?" She was basically giving him a way out, knowing how her mood swings could be sometimes and at the same time if that horrible bought of depression hit her again she had a way out too. She hadn't thought about going off a cliff in a while but still felt that empty void she feared would never be filled again. Maybe having someone else there could ward off the thoughts of stepping off into the other world.

Steve sat back down again and smiled across at her, "Ok, deal."

He stuck his hand out and she gladly took it as they shook on becoming each others hiking partner.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Steve woke up and stretched his arms above his head and then quickly pulled them back into the sleeping bag, getting a chill over the morning temperature. Over the past couple of weeks they had hiked out of the desert and into the mountains, which was a delightful change to the both of them, up until this unusually cold morning.

"Dam," he shivered, tucking the top of the bag under his chin. He looked up and noticed too that the tent seemed darker for some reason that morning. He reached over with his hand and touched the nylon wall. When he did the blanket of snow on top fell off the side, brightening up the interior.

"Holy crap," he said, unzipping the bag and throwing it off of him as he crawled to the tent opening and unzipped it as well.

His mouth hung open in shock at the exterior that was covered with fresh white powder.

"Amber," he called out, "are you awake?"

"Yes," she replied from her tent next to his. "I don't want to get up. It's freezing this morning!"

Steve smiled, "Well look outside and you'll see why."

He heard her sleeping bag unzip and then looked over in her direction as she unzipped her tent.

"Oh my god!" she laughed, sticking her head out and glancing over at him with a wide grin. "It snowed!"

"Is that what that is?" he teased.

Amber reached down and scooped up a pile of it and threw it at him. The snow was too dry to compact into a snowball so it spread out like sand as she tossed it.

He ducked inside just missing it and then popped his head out again, repeating the same manner toward her.

She squealed with laughter and quickly zipped up her tent, protecting herself from the retaliation.

"Truce," she yelled out laughing as she did, slipping her shoes on over the thick socks she wore to sleep in.

"All right you big baby, come out."

She reluctantly stuck her head out in his direction. "Promise?"

Steve held his hands up, "In the last twenty days since we've been hiking together, have I ever lied to you?"

"I don't know!"

"Seriously?"

"Ok, no you haven't." She crawled out and stood just outside her tent not giving the revenge another thought, glancing around at her surroundings. "It's cold and a nuisance, but it's really pretty too."

Steve came out seconds later wearing sweats and the long sleeve shirt that he wore to sleep in. "Wow. I haven't seen snow like this in years."

"Welcome to my life in Indiana," Amber huffed. "This is nothing compared to what we get."

"It is pretty but I'll take sweeping sand off the floor than shoveling snow any day of the week."

"I bet this is nothing compared to the beauty of a beach in Hawaii," she said to him.

"I don't know about that, this is pretty spectacular."

She rubbed her hands together trying to warm them up. "I'll make a hot breakfast if you take the tents down?" she bargained with a hopeful grin, wanting to be near the open flame of the stove.

"Deal. Get dressed and get your stuff out and I'll fold it up." He figured she wanted to warm up with the stove so he let her have her way, looking forward to something hot in his stomach when he was finished. They had been forgoing a hot breakfast lately for a quick granola bar so they could get going and maybe finish early for the day and enjoy the break at night, a routine they both luckily enjoyed. It was nicer to sit around a fire at the end of the day than in the morning.

"Thank you, thank you," she said happily for the deal. "Next time we'll switch." She went back inside and got dressed, putting on a pair of light brown Columbia hiking pants that had zippers just above the knee incase it got warm later in the day and she could turn them into shorts. The material wasn't very thick but they were comfortable and even more important, waterproof.

She came out less than ten minutes later dressed for the day with her hair in the signature ponytail but today she tucked it up under a pink crochet beanie.

Steve looked over at her as he folded up his tent. "Hey," he smiled, "that's a cute hat on you."

"What?" she replied putting her hand on her head, "oh this, thanks," she shrugged. "I wasn't sure on pink when I bought it, but I thought what the heck, at least I can look a little feminine out here even though I won't smell it."

"You pull it off well," he added, going back to his duty of folding up his tent.

She appreciated the compliment more than he probably meant it, not receiving too many of them over the past years. Her son Adam was good at making her feel special sometimes. He was nothing like his father, which pleased her.

Adam would compliment her cooking or the way she decorated the Christmas tree. They were little things, but ones she remembered fondly and held dear to her heart. He was a gentle soul.

As she put the pot of water on the stove she glanced over at Steve as he took her tent down. _'He's a lot like Adam,'_ she thought, never realizing it until just that moment. It made her feel both happy and sad at the same time, wishing Adam had had a father that was more like Steve than the one she had chosen. She felt a wave of guilt hit her, feeling that heavy weight on her shoulders begin to weigh her down.

'_Stop,'_ she thought to herself, _'don't go there. Don't go there. Think of something else,' _she told herself._ 'Think of something else.'_

"Breakfast," she blurted out.

"What?" Steve asked, looking up from rolling her tent up.

"What? Oh, breakfast," she said again, diverting her thoughts to something new. "Do you want apple oatmeal and or the plain one?"

"Just the plain one is fine," he replied, wrapping the strap around her tent. "You can have the apple. I know you like it more than I do."

And there it was again she thought, just like her sweet little Adam.

She couldn't have been happier with the arrangement they had made to hike together, admitting that she was skeptical at first, but he had proved to not only be reliable but agreeable as well.

In the beginning she was quiet and kept mostly to herself, but as time went on she found him easy to talk to, and he never asked about her personal life, nor did she ask him about his. She realized there was so much more to talk about, and they covered many subjects. She was actually beginning to enjoy herself more than she thought she would.

…..

Thankfully the day cleared of snow as the sun came out and cleared a path for them to their next destination.

"That's a good one," Amber said, showing Steve the picture on her phone of the magnificent view before them of a waterfall they had come across. It was flowing heavily due to the snowmelt from the night before.

"You captured it well," he said, glancing over her shoulder at the photo.

"Hey, why don't you get up on that rock and I'll take a picture of you from your phone that you can send to Danny? Give him a beard growth update."

They had been in a hiking partnership for a little less than three weeks and while most of their time was either spent silently walking, which was actually not awkward but comfortable knowing there was still someone near if needed, but if they did have a conversation it focused mainly on the trail. If the talk however turned more toward personal issues, neither asked questions but let whatever the other was willing to divulge come from them. Steve eventually told her about Danny after the last call he had made to him.

She enjoyed hearing about the playful banter between them and then hearing it in real-time while Steve put the last call on Face Time to introduce Amber to him.

They too were so different from her husband and his partner. She never heard that playfulness between Kevin and Chris, most of the time it was high fives over some bust they had made. She knew his job was dangerous but the way they bragged about it to each other you'd think they were capturing America's most wanted criminals. Looking back now she realized they fed off of each others egos, only because they both were insecure and shallow men, nothing like these two partners she had got to know. They didn't need to brag about their accomplishments or have someone build up their ego, nor did they feel angry or belittled when teased by the other, assured her husband and his partner would never have understood the humor.

It amazed her sometimes how much she now felt that she had been living inside a bubble the past eleven years, oblivious to her own demise, but now that she was on the outside and experiencing life again it was surreal. She was free of him forever, but then again not really. His last bit of revenge was still playing out and would be for the rest of her life.

Steve smiled as Amber held his phone up and took his picture.

"How about one of the two of us," he suggested. "Climb up here and lets get a selfie." He bent over and held his hand out to her.

She hesitated and then took it as he pulled her up on the large boulder, trying to get her balance on the narrow rock.

"Whoa!" Steve laughed, quickly wrapping an arm around her waist to steady the both of them.

"I'm good," she quickly blurted out, feeling slightly awkward by the physical embrace, not liking to be touched so personally, even as innocent as it was. She used the excuse of having to reach for his phone to get him to remove his arm, which he did, not suspecting a thing. That type of relationship was the farthest thing from his mind. In his eyes, he was still married.

She held the phone out in front of them as he moved in closer again but without his hands this time. She focused on the backdrop trying to get as much of the waterfall as possible and then focused on the two of them, seeing him smiling into the camera, his long whiskers barely touching the side of her face. It startled her how she had just reacted to the innocent gesture a few moments before as she now looked at him in the mirror image on her phone. She hated who she had become. Hated her. She was weary of everyone in the world, even him who had proved to be trustworthy over the past few weeks.

"C'mon," Steve commented on her expression in the phone that was almost sullen, "you have to smile. Big smile!" he encouraged her.

She did just that, forcing one out and then snapped the photo, capturing the tortured moment.

He jumped off the rock first and picked up his backpack, but Amber didn't. She turned around and faced the waterfall but didn't see the beauty of it any longer; instead she fixated on the cliff just ahead, hearing that secret voice in her heart, telling her that life was never going to be like it used to be.

She was a fool to think that going on a long, strenuous hike was going to change who she was or what he had turned her into.

"_You're pathetic and weak. The kids deserve a better mother_,' she heard his voice from the grave. '_You're lucky I'm with you because no one would want your sorry ass. You'd be living on the streets if I didn't put a roof over your head.'_

Why did she stay all those years? She had thought about that question for hours and hours on end, never finding an answer. All she did know was that she had stayed one day too long and it cost her everything.

She was pathetic and she was weak. She didn't deserve to stand before this beautiful waterfall and enjoy the beauty of it. How could she even think of saving herself when she couldn't even save her children?

"We should get moving," Steve suggested, getting no reply as he watched her staring at the falls.

Amber took a step off the boulder they had been on, moving closer to the cliff that made a sharp decent of about a hundred or more feet.

"Be careful over there," he said. "Those rocks may not be very steady."

"When people jump," she began in a quiet, sad way, "do you think they regret it on the way down?"

He'd never heard that tone from her, but he recognized it as a sign of danger as she made her way to a very treacherous area of the bluff, ignoring another one of his pleas to step back and to be careful.

He quickly wiggled out of his backpack as she took another step closer to the edge.

She stared down into the ravine, hearing that inner voice telling her to just lean forward and let it end. It would be over in seconds. Who cares if she regretted it on the way down, she regretted a lot of things.

She felt her body jolt backwards and the next thing she knew she was being hauled away from the edge.

To his relief she didn't fight him as he gripped her tightly from behind, wrapping his right arm around her shoulders and his left around her waist, keeping her arms secure against her body. She was petite compared to him and easy to lift.

He got her back to the original boulder and faced away from the cliff, still holding her, his adrenalin pumping, feeling that if he had hesitated just another three seconds that she would have done it. She would have actually done it!

She didn't move, feeling her reality quickly catch up with her as she realized how close she came to really doing it this time. It frightened her and she trembled because of it.

Steve loosened his grip on her, feeling her body shudder.

"Amber," he said softly, still closely behind her. "I think everyone regrets it on the way down, because it doesn't really solve anything. You may be alleviating the pain but you only leave more behind for others to absorb. Its selfish and cruel."

"No one cares," she replied in the same sad voice.

He turned her around so he could see her, gripping her arms tightly and gently shaking her. "I would care. Goddamnit! I would care! Who do you think you are to fuck with my head like that?!"

He'd seen too much death in his life, and to watch her fall purposely off that cliff in front of him would be almost as bad as physically seeing Catherine get hit by the car that killed her. It would haunt him for the rest of his life because he was there, and didn't stop it.

He shook her more firmly, "I don't know what happened to you Amber, but it didn't kill you because you're here. Don't let it win by giving up. You have to fight!" he gently shook her, "You have to fight every single day of your life and not give up."

She looked up at him trying to pull her arms away from his tight grasp, "You don't know," she yelled. "You don't know anything about me! You don't know what's its like to lose everything! Everything!" she screamed out of pain and frustration.

He let her go, knowing all too well what she was feeling. "Yes I do," he replied somberly, "you don't know anything about me either."

He jumped off the rock and went to his backpack, flipping it over his shoulder, not waiting for her as he started down the path while he adjusted it. If she really wanted to do it he couldn't stop her, but he wasn't going to watch it either.

"You can follow me into the next life," he yelled out, "or you can be a fucking coward and go the other way."

She watched him from on top of the boulder as he walked off down the trail through the tall pine trees.

She bunched up her hands into tight fists, furious with him for calling her a coward. She wasn't a coward! He didn't understand what she was going through, no one did.

"He doesn't know anything," she grumbled as she jumped off the rock and picked up her backpack. "He's so stupid!" She looked over in the direction he had gone. "I'm not a coward!" she yelled out, staring at the empty path ahead of her. "I'm not a coward," she said more calmly, feeling that awful pain in her heart begin to swell up. "I just miss my babies," she whispered as tears filled her eyes. "You don't now what that's like."

She wiped her eyes on her shirtsleeve and began walking down the trail in the direction he had gone.

….

They kept their distance from one another the remainder of the day until Steve, who was still leading by about a hundred yards, came upon another group of six hikers, sitting and laying around a fire who had set up camp for the night.

He stopped just before entering their spot as they all looked over seeing him at the same time. He was overjoyed to see the group. He wasn't necessarily a social engaging individual, but being with the same person everyday he was pleased to see new faces, especially today.

"Hey Bro," one man said standing up. "C'mon in and have a seat. We have some left over stew in the pot if you're hungry?"

He was wearing a light blue T-shirt that represented a band that Steve had never heard of and a pair of dirty brown pants. His unshaven face mirrored his own and Steve thought it amusing that all the men looked pretty much like him and the women looked like Amber; all of them in ponytails. The others in the group acknowledged his invitation with the same amount of enthusiasm.

"How you doing," Steve replied, he waved off the stew even though it smelled heavenly from where he was standing. "Thanks, but that's ok. Save it for seconds. I have someone else coming up the rear." He pointed with his thumb over his shoulder where Amber had yet to make an appearance.

"Already had seconds," one of the women said as she rose and picked up a bowl and scooped him a portion of it from the small kettle. "We have just enough for two more. May not fill you up, but a good appetizer."

The temptation and the generosity got the better of him and reached over another guy's head sitting below him and took the gift. "Thanks! It smells really good."

He wiggled out of his pack and reached in the side pocket for his spoon and sat down. "I'm Steve," he said, reaching his free hand to the guy next to him.

"I'm Hiccup," he shook his hand and made his way around the group, using their trail names, pointing to the woman that gave him the food, "This is Julia, as in Julia Childs, because she cooks like a legend." They all agreed to that with grunts of approval. "That's Columbus, because he gets us where we're going."

Steve leaned forward shaking each person's hand, amused over the made up names.

"And to round it out, that's Sticky, Brutus and Mary, she's still looking for her trail name."

"It'll come," she blurted out. "He doesn't have one yet either," she said.

"Maybe I'll be 'free-loader'," Steve said as they all laughed.

"If that was the case," another said, "then we'd all be named 'Freeloader'." They all agreed with that as well.

Steve took a bite of the stew, feeling his taste buds react to the wonderful flavors. "Oh my god," he said with a full mouth, "this is fantastic!"

"Thank you," Julia playfully bowed to him.

"You're hiking with a partner?" Mary asked him.

"Yes," he replied and looked over his shoulder, searching for Amber who should be approaching right about then, and right on cue, she stopped a few feet outside of camp, hesitating on approaching. "This is Amber. She's from Indiana," he said, waving his arm to her. "C'mon in. You have to try this. It's really good."

She was surprised he was speaking to her after what had happened earlier, wondering if he was just putting on a good show for the others but inside was still angry with her. Kevin was good at that, keeping face while around his friends even when he was furious with her about something. He never let it show, always keeping up the illusion that they were the perfect couple.

She slowly walked into the camp as the others pleasantly acknowledged her. She didn't want to be a part of the group, feeling insecure about her conversation skills, which were lacking due to living a secluded life over the past eleven years. She was a housewife, what did she have in common with any of these people.

"Hi," she smiled and then focused on Steve. "We should really keep going," she said to him. "Didn't we want to make that bluff by nightfall?" she lied, hoping he got her clue.

"Sit down and have some stew," he said with a smile. "You won't regret it. The bluff will still be there but this won't be," he grinned, holding up the bowl as if it were a trophy, totally dismissing her request as he turned and faced the group again.

Julia handed her a bowl of what was left in the pot. "Here you go. Take a load off and relax a while."

She smiled at the young woman as she reached across taking the food from her. "Thank you. It really does smell good." That was not a lie, trying to control the saliva in her mouth that erupted over the delightful aroma coming from the bowl.

She sat down across the way from Steve as he did the best he could to introduce her to the people he'd just met, explaining the trail names.

Amber listened to some of the small talk as she savored her bowl of stew, which she had to highly agree with Steve that it was worth it. She didn't participate in any of the conversations going on until Steve would purposely acknowledge her, forcing her to engage her opinion or a story of the trail. It was never a request that would involve anything personal, knowing her boundaries and respecting them, but he asked her to reflect on places they'd seen which the others could identify with, successfully making her the center of the conversation in which she quickly realized was not as uncomfortable as she thought it would be.

He wanted to make her see that she wasn't alone, even among strangers she was accepted as an equal. People cared about her whether she wanted to believe it or not.

Hiccup put a hand on Steve's shoulder as he walked by him. "Girl Power. That's what we have sitting here amongst us gentlemen. Honest to goodness Girl Power. All four of them."

"I'm proud to walk amongst them," Brutus added. "And to be married to one." He winked at his wife Julia.

"I have no complaints whatsoever of my hiking partner," Steve added, glancing over at Amber with a smile, letting her know that what had happened earlier didn't change anything between them. "No complaints at all."

She knew then that he wasn't playing a game with her, he really wasn't angry after all. She felt a weight being lifted from her shoulders over that. She had no complaints about him either she decided, appreciating the fact that he was there earlier to stop her from potentially making the biggest mistake of her life, by almost ending it.

The conversation turned from the trail to home as everyone freely and expressively admitted that they missed it. Mary was married to Brutus and Julia was married to Columbus. The other two, Sticky and Hiccup were both single, but they were all friends back home in Minnesota and spoke highly of the place they came from, enjoying the adventure they were on, but anxious to get home too.

Amber had no desire to join this particular conversation, but what intrigued her most was that neither did Steve. He came from a beautiful place that most people would find charming and envious of, yet he never said a word. His body language changed as well she observingly noticed. He suddenly seemed more withdrawn, bending his head as if not wanting to be acknowledged. For someone who didn't know him better they may not notice, but she had been traveling with him 24/7 for the past three weeks and saw him when he was fatigued or distracted by thought, and this wasn't one of those times. She narrowed her eyes as she observed him, diagnosing this new behavior as borderline depressive, knowing the signs first hand.

It made her wonder why he felt that way when it reminded her then that he never had spoken of his family either, the same as she. The only people he talked about were Danny and his 'work family' but she knew none of them were related to him. It also made her mindful of other moments between them, especially earlier that day. She was suddenly picking up on clues that didn't seem alarming, until now.

It was something she had said as they stood on that boulder and he shook her, angry over the situation that could have been disastrous. She had recalled his response several times that day as she trailed behind him; only she heard it as nothing more than a candid, routine response, but her view of it was suddenly taking a different turn.

_'You don't know what it's like to lose everything,'_ she had yelled at him, feeling the hair on the back of her neck rise up as she looked at him now and heard his response in her head. _'Yes I do.'_

_ 'Yes I do'_, she thought again, hearing it just the way it was spoken. What did he lose, she thought sadly, or who she thought, feeling her heart go out to him now if that were the case, knowing all too well what that was like. She hoped she was wrong and he was just tired but somehow her gut told her she was dead on.

Steve felt his throat swell up over the conversation that was going on all around him. It was crazy how quickly things could change. He had tried to help Amber, but in doing so had crippled his own good mood. The men and women there with their husbands and wives was a gift, and if he were dragged into the conversation about family, he would tell them so. They should count their blessings because it could all be gone in a second, missing his wife and best friend at that moment.

He was ready to go, wanting to get away from here before someone asked him where he was from or if he were married. He and Amber had already explained the situation between them, both pleased it didn't go any further into their personal lives. He glanced over at her to try and get her attention to vacate but already had it as she stared at him. It wasn't that she was looking at him that astounded him, but the way she was looking at him and what he took from it.

The result of it he could only describe in one word, comforting. He felt it from across the fire, feeling a connection with her at that second that relaxed him. Over the course of the time they had been traveling together he hadn't recognized the signs, but he had come to rely on her camaraderie and now her presence. She calmed him and he didn't even grasp or appreciate it until that precise moment when he needed it most. The feelings were unique to him that he'd never felt that way toward a woman before without there being romantic innuendos involved. He didn't feel that way about her, nor did he feel anything along those lines from her. She gave him no sign that she wanted anything more from him than companionship, even now as she smiled at him in a tender way, like she somehow knew it was precisely what he needed.

He came into that camp hoping for an outside social interaction. Maybe get some hints of the trail that could help him along, but after talking to them all he was taking away from this encounter was that he and Amber were doing pretty damn good on their own.

'_No complaints at all,_' he thought to himself with a smile of his hiking partner. No complaints at all.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Steve and Amber both stood looking up at the mountain they were about to ascend.

She took a deep breath and let it out as he glanced over at her.

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking," she responded not taking her eyes away from the snow-capped climb, "that that is one big fricking mountain."

"We're not going over it," he reminded her, "just around the base of it."

She looked over at him with an annoyed expression, pointing toward it, "Base or not, its almost the end of May and look at all that snow! It's going to be a bitch and cold too."

"Brrrrr," Steve teased her. "I read the snowpack up here could linger through June and what did you think when you read about this part of the hike, that there was going to be a Holiday Inn at the top?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "Shut up! At least you have a nice warm beard to keep your face warm. I hate it when my nose gets cold. Worst part for me in the winter, dealing with the snow and cold temperatures."

He took her long ponytail and wrapped it around her face. "Maybe we can somehow tape this to your cheeks."

She laughed and nudged him in the ribs with her elbow. "Get away from me. I'll deal with the cold and not whine about it anymore, ok?" she snickered at him.

"Don't go that far," he quickly replied, "because that means I won't be able to bitch about it either, and it looks fricking cold up there."

"Oh…what's the matter," she teased him back, "were you expecting a Hawaiian Luau at the top?"

He chuckled over that, moving on to the task before them. "Ok, so how are we going to do this?"

Amber shrugged and started walking, "One step at a time?"

That had become their motto over the past seven weeks when things got difficult, 'one step at a time' had got them through some rough days, but they were still there and still trudging on.

"Use this for motivation," he added as he began to follow her; "there's another package waiting for us on the other side."

"Clean socks!" she bent her head back and shouted out. "Clean underwear!"

"A little too much information there," Steve chuckled.

Amber stopped and turned as he caught up with her, "Like you put on a fresh pair everyday."

"I'm just saying, there's no need to announce it."

Amber laughed, "Oh my god, are you seriously embarrassed about the fact that you are wearing potentially dirty undies," she used her hand to cup the side of her mouth as if telling a secret, "which I know that you are."

"Hey," he countered that, "I was in the Navy for almost seven years and there were times when you could barely see my face behind the dirt and grime," he sighed heavily, "and yes, I'm embarrassed to admit that my undies were cleaner back then than they probably are today."

Amber laid her head back again and laughed, "Oh Steve, you are a tortured soul today." She looked over at him with a serious expression. "Hey, I didn't know that you were in the Navy for that long. I think you had mentioned it before, but I figured it was the standard two or four year thing. You know, the kind of thing an eighteen year old kid does after high school because they don't know what else to do."

It was his turn to laugh, "Oh believe me, I knew exactly what I was doing."

"Did you like being on the boat?"

"There called ships," he corrected her. "A boat is something you go fishing on with your dad."

"Oh, exxxxxcuccccse me," she replied, snapping her fingers over her head. "What I meant to say was, did you like being on the big, gigantic, enormous SHIP!"

"I was never on a ship."

"What do you mean you were never on a ship? You were in the Navy! How could you never be on a ship?"

"I was a SEAL. We covered mainly land duty."

Amber stopped and turned, looking at him as he continued to walk by her. "Really? You were a Navy SEAL?" she said impressed.

"Yea, so?"

"So?! That's a pretty big deal. Not many people can make that claim. Was it hard?"

He turned and just gave her a look as if that was the stupidest question ever.

"Ok, let me rephrase that. How hard was it?"

"Harder than this," he confessed.

"Then I really am impressed because I don't know anything harder than this."

"Its all mental," he explained. "You go into it thinking you got this. You have to have the confidence and physical strength to get through training, but what you think you had in the mental capacity is completely torn down to nothing and then they build it back up one day at a time, and if you can handle that part, then you're in."

She thought about that for a moment, feeling that same mental impact on her life. She was trying to re-build from the bottom up. "And you made it," she commented. "Not many people make it though do they?"

"There were eight of us out of a class of twenty-five that passed."

She knew that she'd never be able to survive something like that, seeing him in a new light. The thoughts of going over a cliff had eluded her since the last incident, feeling as if some of his resilience and strength had passed on to her by just being with him everyday. She had come to rely on his companionship to see her through this ordeal, feeling better and more like her pre-Kevin self, everyday that went by.

"It would be hard for women I bet, to be a Navy SEAL," she wondered out loud.

"Some maybe," he replied, "but you can say the same about some men. I've known some serious bad-ass women in my day that could stand beside me on the battle field and also stand beside me and look like a million bucks." He thought of Catherine then, she would have made it through BUD/S class. There was no doubt in his mind.

That last comment made her wonder whom the woman was that held that mental and physical strength and is also beautiful in his eyes? She wanted to ask, but didn't. He had held up his end of the bargain of not asking personal questions, and so would she.

They walked silently for the next hour, only conversing when it had to do with the trail.

"Hey," he halted, pointing up ahead. "It looks kind of steep and snowy up there, we should put on our spikes."

"Not yet," Amber argued, "its fresh snow and its not cold enough for ice. We'll be fine." She went past him, taking the lead.

"Ok, you're the one that lives in it, I'm taking your word for it, but if I slip," he joked, "I'm taking you with me."

"If you slip you better grab for something more stable than me."

He let her take the lead, not to test out the terrain but incase she fell he could be sure to catch her.

The terrain was steep on the way up, slowing their progression. The thirty some pounds on their backs didn't help the cause either, nor did the altitude climb that made breathing more difficult as well. The trail finally leveled off after about a mile and she stopped.

"Break!" she declared, heavily winded. "I…need a break." She leaned back against a tall pine tree and wiped the sweat off her forehead.

"Damn," Steve replied, bending over with his hands on his knees, he felt the burn in his legs but wasn't as winded as she was, "that was some serious incline. That was harder than Koko Head stairs."

"What's…that?" Amber asked, pulling out a protein bar from her back pocket.

"What? Koko Head stairs?" he reached for water rather than an energy bar.

"Yes." She unwrapped the bar and took a big bite of it.

"Its in Hawaii. It's a hike that goes up the side of a dormant volcano named Koko Head. You walk on old railroad ties that go up to a look out that was used during World War II. It's pretty intense, but this…" he took a deep breath, "This was harder." He looked over at her. "You could easily do Koko Head. I had a hard time keeping up with you."

Amber smiled and took another bite of her energy bar. "Liar, but thank you anyway."

She looked beyond him then and pushed off the tree, her eyes getting big. "Look!" she pointed.

Steve turned around, seeing what she did. "Whoa," he whispered, moving over toward her.

About fifty yards away in the trees was a White Tailed buck deer with full-grown antlers. He nibbled on a leaf not noticing their presence as he innocently went about his life.

"He's so beautiful," Amber whispered, caught up in the natural beauty of it. Her thoughts going to her daughter Ava, feeling her presence but wishing she were standing next to her to witness the memorable event. "Every time we went to the zoo," she whispered, "my little Ava had to see the deer first."

Steve looked over at her shocked, assuming she was speaking of her daughter, never hearing her do so before.

"She would just stare at them in awe. She loved them so much. They're similar creatures you know," she said to him with tears welling in her eyes, "both so sweet and gentle and innocent, not a mean bone in their body."

"How old is she?" he asked, hoping he wasn't crossing the line they had drawn but he wanted an image of her.

She looked over at him, not seeing a stranger but a friend that she could trust, letting him in for the first time. "Five."

A mental image instantly appeared of a small little girl with dark hair, a dainty nose, auburn eyes with long lashes and a flawless complexion, just like her mother.

Amber's focus moved away from him and to the deer again as it ran off into the forest. She turned her face and wiped the tears in her eyes. "I think we should get going."

Steve saw the obvious not sure what to do, crying women was never one of his specialties. "We can take a little more time if you need."

"No," she replied adamantly, "lets go."

She scolded herself for making the stop in the first place. She should have kept pushing herself, keeping her mind on the hike and not on what day it was. Now she was reminded because she let herself pause and become vulnerable to it. '_Keep moving_,' she thought stubbornly, '_just keep moving and you'll be fine. You will.'_

…..

"Over this way," Steve said, reaching his hand out to Amber.

She looked up and took his hand as he pulled her up the incline that was covered with snow. The crunching sound of blanked ice being broken beneath their feet made it feel even colder than it was.

"Careful around this part," Steve pointed to a tree well. "I can't believe there is this much fucking snow!" he ranted.

Amber didn't respond, knowing he was just as irritated as she was over it. It was going to be a cold night for sure. The temperature was dropping as the afternoon went on, but her lack of response was for another reason as well. She learned a long time ago, that speaking up when someone was angry was not always the best thing to do. She learned it the hard way with Kevin. It was better to just let them vent and be angry, that way it could never be focused on you.

"We're going to have to find a place to camp pretty soon," Steve advised. "I have a feeling it might snow again." He looked up trying to get a visual of the sky despite the tall pine trees that were blocking most of his view, but what clouds he did see looked dark and ominous.

"It feels like snow," Amber agreed, using a trunk to help her climb up the next part.

They made their way through the trees that proved to be more of a difficult climb than either anticipated. They were on day fifty-four of the hike and had reached the one thousand mile landmark a couple of days before. They celebrated the event by toasting shots of tequila after dinner from four small one ounce bottles that Amber had picked up from the last town they had been in a week before the event. The idea was entertaining the night before, but both regretted it the next day, feeling the effects over just that small amount of alcohol.

Despite the hangover, Amber wished she had some more of that tequila, not only was it going to be a cold night, but it was the night before the anniversary of that fateful day that changed her life forever. She wished she could stop time but it was ticking on, making her feel anxious and fearful, but she hid it well, or so she thought.

"Shit!" Steve groaned, lifting up his right foot that was dripping with water after stepping through a pile of snow that revealed a small puddle below it. "This sucks!"

Amber stopped a few steps behind him, giving him space, keeping her voice silent once again; sensing his anger building.

He stomped on ahead, clearing a path for her to follow.

She stepped in his tracks but looked up beyond him to the trail he was leading them on. She glanced down at her watch that held a compass, noticing that they were still headed west but after looking over the map earlier that morning, as they did every morning together before starting out, she re-called that after reaching the Sonoran Pass interchange that they should ascend west for a about two miles and then head north again, but they had been going west for almost an hour now and suspected that was not right, but speaking up and voicing her opinion was not one of her best qualities. So she just followed him in what she thought was the wrong direction. He led and correcting him may not be in her best interest. It had never proved to be in the past.

Thirty minutes later Steve stopped and turned around, surveying the area and then glanced at his watch. "Where the hell is the fricking meadow that's supposed to be on the edge of the forest?!"

Amber looked down but didn't say anything.

Steve reached in the side pocket of his backpack and pulled out one of the four maps that he kept there; opening the one that showed the position they were supposedly at. "Right there!" he pointed at it, showing her. "It's showing right there! So where the hell is it?"

She pretended to study it but knew exactly where they were on it, at almost two miles past the turning point to head north to the meadow. "I think we are someplace up here?" she pointed.

"We can't be," he argued, "we followed this ridge for three miles going west and then turned north! We should be there by now!"

His anger and frustration she knew was from fatigue but was making her uncomfortable to say the least. She knew him but didn't know him well enough yet to know what kind of temper he had. Did he have a controlled temperament, or could he lose control? It was the first time they were in a situation where the answer would be told. She hoped it was the first rather than the second, knowing what could happen if tempers got out of control.

"Maybe we haven't gone the three miles yet," he said, looking forward to the path they were on.

Amber cringed over that suggestion knowing they would just be going further off track. "Well, if we were going in the right direction, you'd think we'd find the trail again, don't you?"

Steve took a deep breath and let it out, glancing around again, "The snow would cover it so maybe not. We should just keep going."

She was getting tired and decided to just risk it and try to ease into his error. "I think we should turn back."

"Back where we just came from?" he asked shocked. "Why?!"

"Well," she pointed down at the map, "see here. This is the Sonoran Pass."

"So, we passed that hours ago."

"I know," she agreed calmly, "but I think this morning we discussed we were only supposed to go two miles west and then head north, not three miles and then head north."

Steve stepped back with the map and examined it again for a minute before looking over at her. "Why didn't you say anything? Have you known all this time that we've been going in the wrong direction?!"

Amber shrugged, "I wasn't sure but…"

"Goddamnit, Amber!" he growled. "If you knew I fucked up you should have said something!"

She felt her heart rate begin to accelerate as well as her hands begin to sweat inside of her gloves.

Steve turned around and lifted his right foot and kicked it against a tree simulating the technique of kicking a door in, relieving some of his anger. He turned back around with the map in his hand and raised both of his hands up in frustration, one of them in a fist. "Well shit! Shit!" But his mood quickly changed from anger to shock in a matter of seconds from Amber's reaction over his outburst.

She had cringed and ducked.

He stood staring at her in complete and utter shock. Never in his wildest dreams would he ever imagine hitting a woman, nor would he ever believe that one would feel threatened by him, but she was.

His temper had got the better of him, recalling a time almost a year before when he had foolishly lost his temper with Catherine, as the guilt over of that day played upon this moment as well.

"Amber," he said, with not a hint of anger in his voice. "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I'm not. I swear it."

She nodded but kept her head down, embarrassed over ducking out of his reach, a natural reaction that haunted her from her past.

"Amber," he said again, not sure she fully believed him. "Look at me, please."

She did as he asked, only because of the way that he asked. When she did, she didn't see an ounce of anger on him any longer, instead she saw his blue eyes troubled over the fear that he had instilled in her. He was honest to goodness sorry for what he had done. It was crystal clear to her.

"I'm sorry for acting like a…" he tried to find the words, embarrassed over his outburst, "like a two year old. It was uncalled for. It's not your fault we're lost. I was in the lead."

"I should have said something," she replied, not feeling the fear any longer, getting her question answered. He had a very healthy controlled temper.

"I should have asked sooner rather than arrogantly assuming I knew where I was going. We're partners. Next time I'll ask."

Amber smiled shyly, beyond relived over the outcome, "Next time I'll speak up too. I promise."

Steve smiled but was still reeling on the inside over her reaction. He'd seen enough violence in his life but even more so as a police officer to know when someone has been beaten enough times that they cringe over the slightest possibility of anger. Amber had exemplified that fear clear as day. It was disturbing to him not only as a man but also as her friend. He would make certain she would never have that fear around him again, ever, no matter what the circumstances.

"So let's head back then like you said," he suggested, "and pick up the trail."

"Maybe we can cut across," she suggested, feeling more relaxed now about voicing her opinion. Something she hadn't felt in a long time.

"Ok," he agreed as they looked over the map together one more time. He had so many questions floating around his brain that he wanted to ask her. What had made her recoil like that? Why, was more like it? He also wondered if it had something to do with her behavior a few days before on that rock when she had almost fallen, or jumped. He still wasn't sure which it was, giving her the benefit of the doubt, but with the latest instance he was beginning to lean more toward the darker side. And her children, he still didn't have a clue what that was all about and probably never would.

Less than two hours later they were standing before the large meadow that they had been searching for.

Steve glanced over at Amber and raised his hand as she did the same, slapping them together for a 'high five'.

….

They set up camp under a group of trees just on the edge of the meadow that had a fresh dusting of snow, hoping that if it did snow again that night that the trees might shelter them from some from it.

Steve put up the tents while Amber boiled the water for their meals. She took out three tortillas from her food pack, one for her and two for Steve and set them over top of the stove to try and warm them up. She used them mainly to spread peanut butter on but thought they would be a good addition with the potato soup she was making for the both of them.

"Done," he said, standing over her with his hands spread out over the flame, warming them up. "You might want to put on an extra layer tonight," he suggested.

"I will," she replied. "C'mon, sit down, it's ready."

He took a seat on the ground next to her and picked up the package of soup, holding it with both hands. "Ahhh, that's warm."

"You better eat it quick, it's not going to stay hot for very long." She handed him the tortillas, "Here, they're warm."

"Thank you," he replied, taking them. "I'm starving tonight. I want a good nights sleep and a full stomach will help."

"I'm tired too," she confessed, hoping she slept soundly through the night. She had eluded dreams and worse yet nightmares, for over two weeks now, attributing it to the fatigue of the day and practically stumbling into her tent to sleep at night, but this day was different than the others. It had been eventful in so many ways but the one event that she couldn't get away from was that it was a year ago to date that she had spent her last night with Ava and Adam. She tried to keep her mind busy with other thoughts, but as time crept on so did the memory and grief that she feared was going to haunt her for the next twenty-four hours.

_'You can make it through this,'_ she told herself as she ate her soup. '_You can't let him win by becoming a victim anymore. You can do it.'_

…..

Steve lay in his sleeping bag that night wearing a pair of sweats, two pairs of socks, gloves and a long sleeve shirt, but his mind wasn't on the cold outside, it was on Catherine and the reminder he had earlier that day of their last argument; the one that killed her. He thought of her often throughout the day, but today was just a brutal reminder of what he was capable of when his selfish anger could reach a level that he should have recognized sooner. It happened a year ago with Cat and it happened again today, with Amber.

He closed his eyes and saw Catherine lying on the cold slab of steel in the coroner's office. Her beautiful face had cuts and bruises on it, touching her cheek and then letting his hand come to rest on her belly where their, secret baby had been, wishing now he had taken Danny's advice and let him identify the body, but he had to see her for himself to believe that it was really true.

He made himself feel the pain of it as a form of punishment. He was good at that, punishing himself for his mistakes, never allowing the full exoneration that others felt he deserved. That would be too easy and nothing about losing Catherine or the baby was easy. She had kept him grounded, kept him focused on what was important in life and had helped him countless times at his job, and what had he done for her? He couldn't think of a thing, not a damn thing, turning in his sleeping bag feeling the guilt consume him as his eyes filled with tears.

He opened them and looked at the empty space next to him, "I'm sorry, Cat," he whispered.

Amber lay awake twenty feet away in another tent, staring at the wall of it, her mind consumed with the last night she spent with Adam and Ava, walking through every detail that she could remember.

They had grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dinner. They talked about the upcoming weekend and what they would do, deciding on a new Disney movie, _Frozen_, that was coming out. Afterward she helped Adam with his math homework, proud over how much he had improved on his multiplication tables, telling him so. She then read a book with Ava, her favorite Dr. Seuss', _Green Eggs and Ham_, recalling how tired she was that night but she forwent the TV to spend time with her daughter, thanking god that she had, it was one less pain that she would have had to endure.

She kissed them goodnight and told them she loved them, and then went to bed, never to see them alive again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

The morning air was crisp. Steve could feel it the second he opened his eyes. He could also see it in the air when he breathed, which was a clear sign that it was going to be really cold once he got up.

"Amber," he whispered loudly, wondering if she were awake yet, not hearing a reply, assuming she wasn't.

Unfortunately, it was his week to get up and boil the water for breakfast. They had been forgoing it with chocolate covered coffee beans, which surprisingly enough gave them the caffeine they needed to get moving, and a granola bar. But since the weather change, they both agreed that hot oatmeal and coffee was the ideal way to get them moving in the cold. They switched off each week of manning the stove in the morning.

He decided to get up and have it ready for when she woke up, an extra apology for his outburst the day before. All had been forgiven but he was still feeling the burden of his actions. She was an easy going, friendly and uncomplicated partner, but he couldn't say that about her personal life. She was very closed off, and just as he had been doing since he had met Amber Scott, he let it be.

The water began to boil when he called out for her again, assuming she was awake by now.

"Amber, breakfast is ready. Get it while it's hot," he said with a southern drawl.

He didn't wait for her to respond but poured himself and her a cup of coffee. He looked over at her tent, not hearing any movement.

"Amber! Wakey, wakey."

Still nothing.

He stood up and went over to her and tapped on the nylon, "Hey, Amber. You ok in there?"

It was then that he heard a faint voice from the other side.

"I'm not hungry. You go ahead, Steve."

He narrowed his eyes in confusion over that reply. "Are you sick?"

She didn't answer him, pulling the covers closer to her face, having zero energy to get up, eat, hike or even breathe.

"No," she said quietly. She just wanted to be left alone not knowing it would be this hard to deal with. She was emotionally, mentally and physically drained. A year had gone by and she was just as traumatized by the event today, as she was that day.

"I'm not going today. You go ahead, it's ok. Just go ahead of me."

He stood not sure what to say, how he was supposed to react to that?

"What do mean you're not going? I know its cold out but you'll warm up after you get moving. I have hot coffee," he said trying to entice her.

"I can't!" she cried out and then her voice softened as if exhausted. "Just go. I can't…"

He heard a muffled cry and knew then that it was something serious. "I'm not leaving without you," he said adamantly.

She didn't care at this point; she didn't care about anything.

"I'm coming in," he said as he set down his coffee, needing to see for himself if she were all right.

"No!" she shouted, not able to or wanting to see him.

He took his hand off the zipper, respecting her wishes. "Amber please, I just want to help. I don't know what's wrong, but what can I do?"

"Nothing," she whispered. "It's too late to do anything now. It's too late," her voice trailed off.

He felt a shiver run down his spine over the depressing sound of her voice. "What's too late? Tell me what?"

His voice was soothing and calm, a voice she had learned to trust. "You don't want to know," she choked the rest of the words out, "its too horrible."

He knelt down in front of her tent and began to put together bits and pieces of what he had learned so far about her to get to the bottom of her sadness, starting with the most obvious.

"Where are your children, Amber?"

She stared off into space, thinking about that day a year before.

She didn't give a response and he didn't ask her again, letting her have the privacy that she needed. He didn't move either, not dreaming of leaving her alone, especially after the cliff incident. She was battling some demon that had seemed to take her over. He'd wait it out, he didn't mind.

After a while he went to get up when he heard her voice again. It had a calm and surprisingly even tone to it, as if she were talking but not necessarily to him. He sat back down so he could hear what she had to say.

"I thought I was doing the right thing," she began, "leaving him. It wasn't healthily, our life with him. They heard too much," her voice saddened again, "saw too much. It wasn't right the things they saw him do to me."

She didn't have to say her husband for Steve to know whom she was speaking of. He clenched his fist in anger, beginning to understand now why she cringed when he raised his hand after he'd lost his temper, sympathetic for what she must have gone through at the hands of the one man she should have been able to trust above all others.

"If he was hitting you, Amber, you did the right thing."

She didn't really hear him, too consumed with her own misery as she continued on. It was the first time she had spoken of it in almost a year, feeling that she owed her children a voice.

"I put them to bed," she said, feeling numb as she talked, not even the cold could penetrate her at that moment. "When I woke up the next morning…. they were gone."

Steve could only imagine the frightening ordeal she must have gone through; assuming her ex had kidnapped them.

"We can find them, Amber," he encouraged her, willing to leave the hike behind that day to do it. "I'll help you. When I was a SEAL that's what I did. I found people. I can find them," he said confidently.

She went on as if he wasn't even there.

"He took them out on the boat that morning," she continued. "They must have been so excited to go. He put fishing poles in the water and sat them down in their seats," her voice turned weak as she finished the story, "and then he took out his revolver and shot them both and then shot himself."

Steve felt his body jerk over the sudden shock of what she had just told him. He fell forward, catching himself with his hand, stunned over the news that would have been the last thing on his mind for her to say.

She had finally let him in to her world for the first time and it was an unimaginable nightmare. His mind was flooded as the pieces began to fall into place. Her behavior was now understandable, the suicidal thoughts, the fear, the anger and the secrecy. He understood it all now.

He closed his eyes and saw the horrific mental image of it appear before him, opening them again as tears rolled out. His mind reeling over how a father could do such a thing, it was beyond his scope of reality; but above all it was beyond anything he could ever imagine living through. Losing Catherine and his unborn baby was one thing, but losing them intentionally to the hands of a loved one was inconceivable.

He could hear her muffled cry, which pulled him out of his own angered thoughts over the crime that wasn't even punishable; the fucking coward had taken his own life too.

"Amber," he began, trying to regain his composure but finding it difficult, "I…I'm so sorry. I can't imagine…" he paused, feeling his throat close up as a wave of sorrow rolled over him.

If he was feeling this way he could only imagine what she must be experiencing at the moment. The sounds coming from her were too heartbreaking to not be soothed.

He didn't ask permission this time as he unzipped the tent and crawled inside.

Amber lay on her side, facing away from him. He crawled over to her and went to put his hand on her but hesitated, not sure if he was invading her personal space, and not wanting to make things anymore difficult for her. But in the end he took a chance, and was glad he did.

She looked over her shoulder at him, surprised over the gentle touch and even more so that he was there, not hearing him enter. Her eyes focused on his, instantly feeling a comfort that she hadn't in years. She had told herself many times over that she would regret telling him, keeping her secret, but looking up at him now, she was wrong, she didn't regret telling him, and she was glad she had. The empathy he brought forth was the godsend she'd been searching for but didn't even realize it until it was staring her in the face. It brought fresh tears to her eyes as she rolled over and began to sob, unable to control the emotions that over took her.

Steve didn't hesitate this time and did something that was completely out of his nature, but it just felt like the right thing to do.

She felt his body outside the sleeping bag up against hers and an arm come across her shoulder, pinning her close, but she didn't feel confined or trapped. It was warm and the acceptance she felt from it freed all the pain and anguish she had been holding inside for a year.

…..

Steve came back inside the tent with a bowl of oatmeal and sat down next to Amber who still lay on her side facing the wall. It was close to ten in the morning and neither had eaten yet. He wasn't as concerned for himself as he was for her.

He set the bowl down and put a hand on her shoulder. "Amber," he said softly but firmly, "I want you to eat a little something, ok?"

She turned over as he pulled on her shoulder and looked up at him. "I'm not hungry."

"Just a few bites, that's all," he replied, running his hand over her hair. "Please."

She didn't want it, but would do it for him. She tried to sit up but was surprised over how weak she felt, about to give up when she felt his arm go under her shoulders and lift her to a sitting position. He held her there with one arm and scooped up a spoonful of oatmeal that was sitting on the ground and fed it to her like she were a child.

She took a few bites and then shook her head, feeling the knots in her stomach begin to ache from the food, afraid if she ate anymore she might throw up.

He was satisfied as well, taking what he could get from her.

He laid her back down and covered her up, "I'll just be outside if you need anything, ok?"

She nodded again and heard him move away toward the door when she turned her head, her voice still held the same sad tone. "Thank you for not leaving. I'm sorry to be a burden."

"You're not a burden," he replied firmly and then softened his tone," and of course I didn't leave you, we're partners."

"I just have to get through this day," her voice broke at the end.

"Take two if you need it. Canada isn't going anywhere."

She smiled over that but he didn't see it as he crawled out and zipped up the tent to keep her semi warm. The morning clouds had dispersed and the sun had come out but it was still chilly in the air. He past the time by making a fire pit and then a fire from scratch, forgoing the flint just to see if he still could. It took close to an hour, but he'd done it, pleased with himself.

He tried to read the mystery novel that he had tucked in his backpack but his mind and eyes kept wandering to the tent and Amber's ordeal of what she had been going through for the past year. It made him mindful of his own grief, not comparing them by any means, they were both tragic in their own ways, but he could understand what she was going through. He felt his heartache was on a different level, but nonetheless, unbeknownst to her, he understood her pain.

He heard the zipper on the tent and looked over, sitting up as she came out.

"I have to go to the bathroom," she announced, walking off into the forest behind her tent.

He reached over and tossed another piece of a tree branch on the fire. It smoked heavily at first from the wetness but then slowly caught fire, warming him up again.

She came back a couple of minutes later and stood before the opening of her tent, staring at the fire as if contemplating which was more comforting, under her blankets, or the fire?

"It's really warm," Steve said, "it feels good," he added, holding his hands out in front of it.

Like with the oatmeal, she stayed for him, walking over as he cleared a spot of snow on the ground for her, pleased that she had decided to stay.

"Are you hungry? I can boil some water on the fire? Maybe some coffee?"

Amber shook her head as she sat down, repeating his method of putting her hands up toward the flames.

"That's a good fire," she complimented. "I don't think I could do it with wet wood."

"Just the outside is wet," he explained. "The trick is to find wood on the ground that has fallen off the tree and is dead and dry inside."

She nodded her understanding and ended the conversation there, not really in the mood to learn the logistics of how to start a fire, but she was comforted by it, glad she had stayed with him. He had showed a side of himself that day that had surprised her. He was far more compassionate on the inside than he exhibited on the outside, proving it to her that morning as he lay next to her with his arms around her. He was a good man, she thought, feeling lucky that she had met him. People often spoke of the "angels' that you meet along the way on the PCT, and she was convinced that she had met hers.

They sat in silence for a long time until she finally broke it.

"It was a year ago today," she said, staring at the flames. "It just hit me harder than I thought it would."

"Understandable," he agreed.

"I came here because I thought it would help get me through this day, but I was wrong. I don't think it would matter where I was, or where I'll be on their birthdays either." She bit her bottom lip as tears began to fill her eyes again over that day.

Steve reached over and put a hand on her shoulder, letting it slide down her coat over her back. "We're all here for different reasons, some more personal and maybe more tragic than others, but we all have one goal in mind and that's to make it through day by day. You're doing that Amber," he encouraged her, "you'll survive today and you'll survive those days too," he said, referring to the birthdays. "It may feel like you won't, but you will and believe it or not, it'll make you stronger."

She looked over at him and smiled over his words that made sense to her, because she was already feeling less of the grief than she was that morning. It was the first year, and she had no idea what to expect, but now that she did she felt the next year and every one after that she'd have a better chance of facing it head on.

"Thank you," she said sincerely.

He seemed very in tune to what she was feeling, saying just the right thing as if it was a rule he was following as well. It made her wonder why he was there? No one makes this trip alone unless they are fanatics about hiking which he didn't seem to be, or they were trying to escape something.

"Why are you here?" she asked, not caring about their pact anymore to keep their personal lives to themselves, that ship had sailed with her confession.

Steve was startled over that question, not expecting it and not prepared to answer it either.

He picked up a thick stick sitting next to him and began to stir the fire with it.

Amber saw the same forlorn expression on him she did once before when they had been sitting around the fire with that other group of hikers and the word family was brought into the conversation. He shut down immediately, the same as now.

Amber knew then that he wasn't there just for the glory of it. He was motivated by something else, something tragic perhaps, she thought, using his own word as a reference.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking at him sympathetically.

"Its ok, I understand why you asked," he replied quietly.

"No," she corrected him, "I'm not sorry about asking why you are here, I'm sorry for whatever it was that brought you here."

He looked over at her, surprised over her intuition, but didn't reveal his secret. He tossed the stick in the fire and pushed himself up off the ground. "I'm going to boil some water," he said.

Amber looked up at him regrettably, "Now I am sorry for asking. I shouldn't assume you are here for any other reason than to just hike. I'm sorry," even though she thought for sure that it was something else. He showed signs just like the ones she had tried to hide.

She felt guilty for asking. She was the one that was so hell bent on not talking about personal stuff and here she was breaking her own rules and putting him on the spot. She didn't regret telling him about Adam and Ava, feeling relieved. He seemed to genuinely care, which made her feel all the worse for butting into his life. She was about to apologize again when he spoke up.

"I'm here," he began, standing by the stove with his back to her, his voice evenly toned, but the sadness in it was loud and clear, "because I lost my wife. She was hit by a car when she was running." She saw him take in a deep breath and saw the frost from it as he let it out. "We had just found out the day before that she was pregnant with our first child."

Amber put her hand over her mouth and bent her head, shocked over the heartbreaking connection that they shared as tears welled in her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

Everyone knew, everyone in his life knew about Catherine. It was the first time he'd had to tell someone the story of his deceased wife. It hurt far worse than he thought it would, filling his heart and soul with that dreaded pain that could just knock you out cold.

"I'm going to go down to the creek and get some water," he said, grabbing the pot and hurrying off into the forest.

He wasn't even sure if he was going in the right directing to the creek when he stumbled on a tree stump and fell into a smaller tree, holding onto it longer than he should have; not because of the fall but because he felt weakened all of a sudden, barely able to hold himself up. He'd been surviving the past few weeks by avoiding reality. At home in Hawaii he was Steve, police officer, partner, friend and widower now, but here he could play just the role of Steve and friend by choice, but now he had opened the door to being a widower again, not able to escape that fact no matter how far he traveled away from home. It was a label that would always follow him and so would the memory of a life that was perfect for a while.

He didn't want to cry, but it had been an overly emotional morning for not only Amber but for himself as well, hearing her heartbreaking story tore him up inside. He would give anything to have Catherine and the baby back, anything, and yet that piece of shit killed both of his children out of spite, a police officer no less! He wanted to hit something to not only relieve the anger but to shift the pain from his chest to his hand so he wouldn't have to feel what he was.

He didn't want to cry but felt the moisture escape his eyes and run down into his beard, wiping his hand over it.

Amber stood behind him, not having to decipher his emotional state, seeing him holding onto the tree for support explained it all, feeling that she had pushed him into maybe revealing more than he wanted to.

Like he had done for her earlier that day, she felt the same compelling urge to go to him.

He was startled for only a moment as he felt her arms go around his chest from behind. She laid her head on his back just below his shoulder and hung on, not letting him get away the same as he had done for her. She only hoped it supplied the same warmth and compassion that she had felt from him. The embrace had helped her immensely.

He didn't try to get away like he normally would have.

Being there for someone else in his or her time of need he could handle, but accepting it for himself was not in his realm, yet this time he didn't mind it from Amber. They shared something that he strongly felt no one else in the world could understand. He understood her and she understood him. It was a turning point in their partnership and he embraced it, letting the anger and sadness settle once again as the tenderness she gave him warmed him from the inside out.

She didn't want to over stay her welcome, feeling it would make him uncomfortable. She went to let go and felt him turn, his arm coming over her head and around her shoulder, pulling her in against his chest, hugging her now. She took it as a sign of his thanks.

"We're a pair, aren't we," he said to her. His voice not showing any of the sadness she had heard earlier.

Amber nodded her head that was just below his chin, "I think I might have found our hiking nicknames," she replied with a giggle. "Piglet and Pigpen, because although this hug is very nice, we stink!"

Steve burst out laughing, not expecting her sense of humor to come out at that second, squeezing her harder, "Get a good whiff."

Amber pushed off of him, laughing, "I can't breathe."

He playfully shoved her in the arm as he wiped his eyes clear. "You don't smell like Chanel you know."

"I know!" she laughed. "When was the last time you saw a razor?" she teased, reaching up and touching his beard, "Or is that a regular thing? Do you always have a beard." not ever seeing him without one.

Steve rubbed his hand over his fully bearded face, "No, back home I shave everyday, sometimes twice a day if I have something going on that night. It grows pretty fast." He looked at her self consciously, "Why, is it that bad?" he asked not having seen his refection in a week or two.

Amber shrugged, "Well," she bit her bottom lip trying not to laugh, "Let me put it this way. If I was walking down the street and saw that coming at me, lets just say I'd cross to the other side of the street."

Steve laughed knowing he probably looked like a bum. "Yea, well," he countered, looking her over and searching for a come back.

Amber stepped back with her hands on her hips, glaring at him. "Yes, speak up."

He hadn't been married for very long but knew the first and most important rule that didn't only apply to your wife but any woman on the planet was to never criticize their looks, no matter what!

"I've got nothing. You look like you belong on the cover of J Crew."

Amber's face instantly turned red, not expecting a compliment, and not familiar with them either, not having received many in the last eleven years from her husband.

"Oh," she bent her head and smiled, "Ok, well you're a liar, but thank you," she chuckled shyly, looking back at up at him. "And no, your beards not that bad. I'm just teasing you."

"And you're a liar," he chuckled, "I can't believe how long it is. This is a first." He ran his hand over it again, feeling the whiskers that covered his cheeks and went about an inch or two beyond his chin. His short hair had grown out as well, "In my mind I look like Daniel Boone, but in reality I think I look like Big Foot."

They both chuckled as Amber picked up the pot he had been carrying off the ground that he must have slipped out of his hands during his crisis. They began to walk back to the camp, neither feeling the sadness that had engulfed them earlier. They had walked each other through it.

The conversation had turned from death and despair to how good a shower and Big Mac would taste right about then.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

"Amber," Steve said calmly, holding his hand out to her, "you can do this, just follow my steps."

She stood just as frozen as the ice was below her feet on the edge of the cliff. "What if the ice gives way?" she replied nervously. "It looks wet."

"It's not. I promise it's solid, but I've got you anyway," he reminded her, holding up the rope that was attached to her safety belt and his.

Her breathing escalated as she looked down the steep embracement covered with snow.

"Hey!" Steve said firmly, "Don't look down. Look at me."

She raised her eyes and met his as he smiled.

"Just follow my steps, I've got you. I won't let you fall."

She smiled back, feeling her fear somewhat dissipate, believing him wholeheartedly. She trusted him. She barely knew him but she trusted him more than anyone else in the entire world.

"That 'a girl," Steve encouraged as she took the first step, doing as he had said, by placing her smaller foot into his larger footprint. "Don't look down, look at where you're stepping. Almost there…"

As she came within reach she stuck her hand out with her eyes focused on his footprints. He grasped it as a security blanket for her as she made the last step and then jumped over the last part as he pulled her across.

She fell against him on the narrow ledge that was safe and sound.

"Oh my god," she moaned holding onto his jacket, "that was pretty scary."

"You did it!" he said, holding his hands out as if it was nothing. "A walk in the park."

Amber chuckled nervously, "Maybe for you."

"Its an adventure. You'll look back fifty years from now and think highly of it."

She chuckled over his theory, but liked it.

He pointed toward the horizon as the fog began to burn off from the late morning sun. "Look at that?"

Amber still had one hand attached to the flap of his jacket as she turned her head, seeing what he saw.

"Wow," she whispered, "that's so beautiful."

Between the low cloud layers they could see the valley below that opened up to a wide meadow that was green and lush with a creek running through the middle of it.

"It looks like a painting," he said, admiring the beauty of it all.

As quickly as the clouds parted, they rejoined, blocking the picturesque view.

Amber sighed heavily, looking up at him, "I guess that's our cue to get moving."

"Parties over," he agreed and took the lead as they followed the well-traveled trail up into the forest.

They walked in silence for a long time, which wasn't at all unusual. They were together twenty-four seven and most of their time walking was spent concentrating on just making it to the next stop. They weren't even to the halfway mark yet of the PCT, anticipating getting there.

Steve was on day sixty-eight, and Amber wasn't sure about hers so she adopted his.

It had been almost a week since they had broken the seal on their personal lives and neither one regretted it, nor did they feel any awkwardness toward one another. They were both experiencing the same type of loss but in different capacities.

She wasn't sure how he felt but for her it was like a giant weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She didn't know if it was because that dreadful day had come and gone, or if it was because she had told him, letting go that terrible secret. It didn't matter either way, at the moment she was happy, a feeling she hadn't experienced in a long, long time.

…

Amber sat down by the fire, letting out a long painful moan. "Oh my god, I'm so soar today."

"Just today?" Steve commented, slowly sitting down across from her, feeling the same aches and pains.

"Ok, you're right," she agreed, "but today it just feels more…" she tried to think of the word to describe the dull ache that was just constant throughout her entire body.

"Excruciating," Steve added, "or maybe agonizing? I think my feet have blisters on top of blisters."

"Me too," Amber whined, laying back on the ground with her hands behind her head, admiring all the stars that had come out after sunset. "Can we take tomorrow off?"

"No!" Steve answered. "We take a day off and we are just one more day further away from the halfway point." He was anxious to get there, knowing he had another package waiting with a new pair of hiking shoes. The ones he had had held out but the souls were getting worn down. The thinned cushions were beginning to affect his back.

"I know," Amber sighed. "Can we at least take an extra day in the town then, as sort of a reward?" She lifted her head and looked down her body at him, hoping for an agreement in that retrospect.

"I don't care," he shrugged. "I just want to get there."

She laid her head back with a wide grin, pleased that she now had a reward at the end of this particular goal. She liked having goals. She had learned that from him. It made it easier to get through the day if she had a goal set, so they tried to do that each day. Sometimes it was accomplished and sometimes not, but they tried to keep them realistic so when they did reach it, it was immensely satisfying.

"I hope they have a McDonalds in Chester," she blurted out.

"You and your Big Mac," Steve chuckled. "I swear if we do spot a McDonalds, I'm buying. I just want to enjoy watching you eat it after hearing about it for the past two months."

"Me?!" she lifted her head again, "You talk about a chocolate shake more than I talk about a Big Mac. I'm buying you two, one with our food and one for dessert."

He chuckled over that, picking up a small pile of snow that was sitting by him and tossed it at her, missing her purposely.

"Careful now," she warned, looking up at the dark sky, "you walk in front of me most of the day remember."

"My blisters are shaking," he teased.

Amber lifted her head again to say something clever when they both froze, hearing a low growl coming from the forest.

They were both on their feet in seconds, the sudden adrenalin rush covering for the pain and stiffness.

"What is that?" Amber asked nervously.

"I don't know," Steve replied, going to his tent and crawling inside. He reached in the flap that held his gun and took it out.

Amber stood just outside his flap, searching the surrounding area but not seeing anything in the darkness.

He came out with a flashlight in his left hand and his gun hanging down at his side in the other, glad once again that he had it, and so did Amber as she stood close behind him.

They both held steady, listening to the forest but heard nothing more than the rustling of the trees from the wind above their heads. He used the flashlight but saw nothing.

"I think it moved on…" Steve began when they heard it again. He flashed the light in that direction but again saw nothing.

Amber twitched and grabbed onto the back of his jacket, moving further behind him. "It sounds like a bear," she whispered.

"Could be," Steve said calmly. "All that I've read about bears is that they won't attack unless they feel threatened."

"Or really hungry after waking up from hibernation," she added fearfully.

Steve looked over his shoulder at her, "This isn't a horror movie you know," he teased. "He isn't going to come running out of the forest and pounce on us."

"How do you know? Maybe were too close to his home, or he smells food."

"Everything is wrapped up tight. Maybe you're just being super paranoid."

"You're the one that dove for your gun," she countered.

"I didn't dive for it."

"More like sprinted," she argued.

"Do you want me to put it away," he said, turning to go back inside.

"No!" she quickly answered by pulling on his jacket. "Keep it out, just incase."

Steve chuckled, "Will you let go of me, it's fine. They won't come near the fire anyway." He went to walk away and felt a tug on his jacket, looking over his shoulder as she followed along behind him.

"What?!" she scolded him. "You have a gun, I have you. Get over it!"

He laughed and stuck the flashlight in the pocket of his jacket and bent over picking up a few large sticks and tossed them on the fire.

"It's getting late anyway, we should probably just go to bed."

Amber felt her heart drop to her stomach over going in her tent alone for the night with this drama just occurring.

"Bed," she questioned, "now? Shouldn't we wait until we don't hear it anymore?"

Steve cupped his hand behind his ear, "Hmm, I don't hear it anymore, so bedtime for me."

"Just wait a minute more," she pleaded, her eyes scanning the darkness.

"You're freaking yourself out," Steve laughed.

She bit her bottom lip, glancing over her shoulder.

Steve let out a deep sigh, "Do you want to sleep in my tent tonight?" he asked and then didn't wait for her reply. "Actually I think you should, otherwise you will get no sleep and be dragging ass tomorrow." He pointed to her tent. "Get you bag, I'll put my backpack in your tent."

…

Fifteen minutes later Steve was zipping up his tent and Amber was crawling into her sleeping bag that was about two feet away from his.

He crawled over to his and got in, zipping it up. He lay on his back with one arm tucked under his head for a pillow.

Amber rolled over on her side, facing him. "Thank you."

"For what?" he replied, turning to see her.

"For offering up your tent to me. Did I look that scared?"

"No, but you sounded it," he grinned. "Besides, I didn't want to have to wait for you all day tomorrow."

She smiled and bent her head, a little shamed but not really caring. She was very happy where she was for the night.

"Wait a minute," Steve said suddenly, "did you hear that?"

Amber's eyes got big, showing the fright all over again at the prospect of the animals return. "Hear what? Did it sound like a bear?!"

"Actually," Steve whispered, his voice low and serious, "it kinda sounded like," his tone changed to sweet and sappy, "a baby deer lapping up water from a cool brook."

Amber reached over and slugged him as he busted out laughing.

"That's not funny," she scolded him, trying not to laugh herself, "I about peed my pants!"

He laughed even harder over that. "I hope you don't have to go in the middle of the night because I'm not getting up with you."

She hadn't thought about that, glad that she had went earlier before the whole growling incident and praying she wouldn't have to go again before morning.

"I know. I won't ask you to get up," she replied but with a hint of uneasiness in her voice that he clearly picked up on.

He knew without a doubt that he'd never let her go out alone if she did get up, not because of what was out there, but because he knew she'd be terrified. "I'm just kidding, Amber. If you have to get up just nudge me, I'll get up with you."

"No, I'm fine. It'll be fine."

He turned his head so he could see her. "Hey, look at me," he said, waiting for her to do so. "I'm serious ok, if you have to get up, tell me."

She was beyond relieved with his adamant demand of getting up with her.

"Ok, but if we see something out there and it starts to chase us, I'm running with or without you," she joked.

Steve chuckled over that, "Well, if something starts chasing us, I won't be afraid, all I have to do is run faster than you. Which I'm pretty confident I can do."

Amber giggled over that, knowing him well enough now to know for a fact that he wouldn't leave her behind. "Liar."

Steve rolled over with his back to her. "Don't miss judge me," he joked, "I'll be eating your Big Mac and toasting you in your absence with my chocolate shake in Chester."

Amber giggled again, "You're so mean. Go to sleep."

She heard him chuckle as she too rolled over.

She listened to the forest outside, but was surprisingly not threatened by it anymore. He had somehow calmed her down with his sense of humor that she found charming. He was the most patient man she had ever met. He never criticized her or made her feel weak or inadequate, which she knew she was in comparison to him, but it was as if it never crossed his mind, either that or he was an Academy Award winning actor, because she just never felt it.

She did however feel the lingering effects of the laughter, not having giggled so much since she was a teenager as she had over the past couple of months being with him. In the beginning she had kept to herself and just followed along behind him and was careful not to make waves, but then she began to get comfortable and strived to please him, but as time went on, she realized that was not good enough for him. Case in point was the day they had become lost and she didn't speak up. Unlike her ex, Steve was the type of man that liked a woman that spoke her mind. He was genuinely interested in what she was thinking and what she had to say. So jump forward to present day and over the course of being his partner through good a bad days, she became the Amber that had been lost for all those years. She finally felt like herself again.

It made her curious about his wife and what kind of woman she was. She thought about her often, but he didn't talk about her and she had never asked him, not that she didn't want to know, but she hesitated out of respect of bringing up feelings that might hurt him.

She had illustrated a mental picture of her, seeing her as being tall, with long blond hair and very athletic, since he was too, and they both came from Hawaii so she was probably very tan as well. He didn't seem to be a very complicated person so she didn't see his wife as being one either. They were probably perfect for one another, high school sweethearts perhaps, understanding his heartbreak. It broke her heart for him and for herself, knowing that's what true love really was, to have someone grieve so badly for you that it broke them in two.

She'd never experienced that type of love before with a man, assured she never would. Kevin had broken her, but not in the same way that Steve was broken when he lost his spouse. She would never allow herself to feel love again, knowing that in a split second it could all be gone. It was far too dangerous of an emotion to play with.

…

Amber woke up to the sound of voices and looked over seeing the vacant sleeping bag next to her. She heard a faint laugh and then heard Steve's voice and him laugh next.

She got up and fixed her ponytail. The scare from the night before had vanished and was all but forgotten already.

She crawled out of the tent that was unzipped with just the flap closed, seeing Steve sitting around the fire that had been rekindled since the night before with two other men and a pot of coffee sitting on a rack over the flame, neither belonged to she or Steve. The smell of it was heaven though. She had slept soundly in the same tent as him, maybe too soundly she thought, still feeling groggy.

"Good morning," she said to all three of them and then looked at Steve for an explanation of who they were.

"Good morning," they all answered simultaneously.

Steve reached over and picked up her cup that was sitting on the ground next to him, "Amber, this is Delvin and Marcus from Wisconsin." He poured her a cup as she came closer. "This is Amber from Indiana."

"Hi."

"Nice to meet you Amber," they spoke up.

Marcus looked to be about Steve's age, maybe a little younger and was African American with beautiful hazel eyes and a dark beard almost as long as Steve's. He had on a baseball hat with the Green Bay Packers football team logo on it, and his thick black hair stuck out the sides.

Delvin looked quite a bit older with light colored skin that was weathered from life. His beard had more grey than black and it matched the hair on his head. He too wore a Packer baseball hat but the whole team name was spelled out on his. They both fit in nicely with the style of the trail, each in a desperate need of a shower, a shave and a haircut, the same as she and Steve.

"How long have you two been on the hike?" she asked.

"Day 92," Marcus answered.

"They started at the Canadian border, Steve explained with a bit of enthusiasm, "and are going south."

She joined the excitement of that information, the same as the other three. It was a perfect opportunity to gain vital information about the hike of where others had just been.

"How's the snow up there?" was Amber's first and foremost question, getting tired of it already.

"Not too bad," Marcus replied. "We had quite a bit going over the Cascades in Oregon but that was like a month and a half ago, you won't run into snow storms this time of year."

She smiled over that.

"How about you guys," Delvin asked, "we heard that the Carson Pass can get pretty icy."

"The snow started before Forester Pass," Steve said, "at about miles 772 coming from the south, but it got worse up into Forester. We got dumped on one night and then made a wrong turn, losing the trail in the snow and went about four miles out of our way. That was a long day," he chuckled.

Amber cringed slightly knowing that he was speaking of the day she had neglected to speak up and got them lost, but he didn't glance over at her, but instead had let it go as promised.

"Its some of the most beautiful scenery so far along the trail though," Amber spoke up.

"Defiantly," Steve agreed.

Marcus and Delvin both looked at each other and spoke simultaneously, "Crater Lake."

"You'll think you died and went to heaven," Delvin added, with an agree nod from Marcus.

"Unbelievable. I know the snow is a pain, but you'll want snow there, it just adds to the beauty."

Steve glanced over at Amber with a broad smile and she knew exactly what he was thinking, another goal to be set. She couldn't have agreed more with him, returning the anxious grin.

"How about water," Marcus asked.

"The water supply is ample for the next few hundred miles," Steve said, "but beware once you come out of the mountains and into the desert. I'm not sure which map you are using, but a couple of my stops said there was water, but it was dried up."

Both men glanced at each other and nodded as if making a very important mental note of that.

"We'll make sure to stock up and ration as needed," Marcus added. "How's your feet?"

Amber moaned over that question. "Blistered, sore, blistered, tire, and more blistered."

The three men laughed.

"Yep," Delvin agreed, "that sounds about like us too. Socks!" he added, "I swear they are the number one item that I care for far more than anything else."

Steve raised his hand as if confessing the same, "Amen to that. I have three new pairs in every package I pick up."

"So how about that," Marcus inquired, "have you had any trouble with your packages?"

Steve and Amber looked at each to see if the other had a complaint but they both shook their head.

"No, so far so good," she said. "How about you?"

"We had to wait two extra days up near Bobby Lake for our second package," Delvin explained, "too much snow for the UPS driver to get through. That really sucked."

Amber cringed a little over that, "Damn, I have a package being picked up there."

"You'll be fine," Marcus waved off her concern of that. "The snow will be minimal by then. The ski resort over there was just about to shut down for the year and that was a month ago."

"How about Angels," Delvin asked. "Have you been blessed by any?"

They both knew what he was speaking of. They were people who lived along the trail and helped out hikers just out of the goodness of their hearts.

Amber felt she had met hers but didn't voice it.

"On my first stop," Steve said, "I ran into a father and son, Bax and Gary. They run the Burnt Rancheria campground. Nice place, good people. I highly recommend stopping there. If you do, tell them Navy Steve said hi."

Both men nodded, "Will do."

"We really haven't seen too many people on the trail," Amber added. "I know we both got a late start but still, it's been kinda quiet."

"You'll get more going north," Marcus said. "Do you have packages in Chester?" he asked, assuming they did. It was a big town compared to the others and a regular stop for hikers.

"Yes," Amber replied. "We both do."

"Once you come off the unpaved road and run into Hwy 36, just stay there and sit tight," Delvin explained, "Someone will stop and pick you up and give you a ride into Chester. It's a seven mile walk otherwise, and even if you have to wait an hour or two, it's worth it."

"Wait out the ride," Marcus agreed wholeheartedly, "the highway to town has lots of up and down hills on the way in. Take our advice and wait for a ride."

"Ok," Steve replied thankful for that vital piece of information. "Good to know, thanks!"

"Oh hey, also," Marcus added, "there's a bar called Sunrise where a lot of locals hang out, it's very PCT friendly. They have good music and it's a good way to celebrate the halfway mark."

"None of that rap stuff," Delvin added with a disgusted look on his face. "They play some good ole 70's rock and roll."

Marcus laughed, "They also play some good ole' 80's and 90's rock and roll."

"Hair band crap," Delvin argued. "Stones, Zeppelin and the Eagles are music."

"Ok old man," Marcus held his hand up, "settle down. I'm not getting into another music debate with you."

Amber laughed over their bickering. "Sounds like a good place to relax and have a cold beer."

Both men agreed on that.

They sat around for about another half hour before Marcus and Delvin stood up, needing to get on their way for the day and let Steve and Amber do the same.

'Thanks for the coffee," Amber said, shaking each man's hand.

"Thanks for the good company," Delvin replied, sticking his hand out to Steve, "Good to meet ya and happy trails to ya too."

They waved as they made their way into the forest toward the trail leading south.

…

Amber walked beside him as they went up an incline, feeling one of her blisters about to break on the side of her right foot.

"Can we stop of a minute," she sighed. "Fucking blister hurts like a son of a bitch!" she ranted, stopping and slipping her backpack off, letting it fall on the ground.

Steve raised an eyebrow and grinned over her choice of words and small temper tantrum, only having heard her cuss a couple of times before.

"What," she said, eyeing him, "haven't you ever heard a woman cuss before? Do you have virgin ears?"

Steve laughed, "No, my wife used to say 'mother fing shit' when she would get really mad."

She looked up at him from the rock she was sitting on, never hearing him talk about her so freely before. "Was it directed toward you," Amber joked.

Steve chuckled, "No, when she was pissed at me she had no problem using the full version of the F word."

Amber took her shoe off and shook it out, "What was her name? If you don't mind me asking?"

"Catherine," he replied. It felt a little surreal to say out loud, but not painful. "I called her Cat most of the time."

"That's cute," Amber grinned. "Did she have a nickname for you?"

Steve smiled, "She used to call me Sailor," he chuckled, "because I was in the Navy. That's where we met."

She was in the Navy too?" Amber asked shocked over that.

Steve nodded, "She was a Lieutenant by the time she retired." He shook his head, thinking of the skills she was capable of. "She was tough and smart."

Amber held her shoe in her hand, too enthralled with the unexpected conversation to bother with her feet. "She probably could have done this hike with ease."

Steve huffed, "I don't think anyone could do this hike with ease, but yes, she could do it. She would have loved the challenge."

"What did she look like?" she asked, hoping she wasn't treading on thin ice by bringing up such intimate questions that would turn his mood, knowing herself how quickly it could happen.

He had pictures of her on his phone but described her instead, holding his hand up level to his nose, "She was about five eight and thin, but strong. Damn she was strong. I've seen her defend herself against men bigger than me and she had no problem getting quick results," he chuckled. "I'm just glad she loved me." He motioned to his head with his hand, "She had beautiful long, brown hair that was straight and the greatest laugh. We laughed a lot." He swallowed down the dryness that suddenly consumed his throat and turned his head letting out a deep breath, feeling his emotions crawling all over him. "Damn," groaned. "Do you think I'll ever be able to talk about her without tearing up?"

Amber cringed, wishing she wouldn't have said anything now. Her worst-case scenario had come true but she just couldn't resist, somehow she just needed to know about the woman that he had loved so much.

"I'm sorry Steve for bringing this up," she apologized sincerely. "I shouldn't have asked."

He turned back to her wiping his hand over his face. "You didn't bring it up, I did. You just asked the normal questions that anyone would. It's not that I don't want you to know her, or that I don't want to talk about her, it's just kind of hard, you know? It wears me down, really quickly."

Amber stood and put a hand on his arm, "Yes I do know!" she replied adamantly, and then repeated it more softly. "Yes, I do know."

She didn't even have to say it for him to know it. "It's funny, I have friends back home, good friends that I'd lay my life on the line for, and I feel more comfortable talking to you about this, someone I just met and really only known a minute compared to them." he bent his head, feeling slightly shy over his latest confession, "So don't apologize. I feel bad for bringing you into my fucked up world."

She squeezed his arm, "Don't say that! Its not fucked up!" it was the right thing to say but she had to take into consideration her own life as well as his. She let go of his arm and sighed heavily. "Ok, so it is a little fucked up right now, but it won't be forever. Not for either of us." She didn't know why, but tears instantly filled her eyes as well.

"Damn it," Steve moaned, putting an arm over her shoulder, "now I made you cry." He pulled her in as she rested her head on his chest.

"I'm not crying," she replied, wiping her fingers over her eyes. "I think a bug flew in my eye," she joked.

They both laughed over that. He squeezed her one more time for the quick joke that lightened the mood and then let her go.

"Are you going to walk barefoot the rest of the way?" he asked, pointing at the shoe still in her hand. "Or are you going to tough it out because somewhere out there is a Big Mac and chocolate shake with our names on it."

Amber giggled and sat back down, loosening the laces up as much as she could and slipped the shoe back on. "How much further today?" she asked as she tied it up.

Steve glanced at his watch, "About an hour and a half."

She lifted her backpack up and hoisted it over her shoulder with his help and held on to the two straps in the front, looking up at him.

"Well, what are you staring at? We're burning daylight and that Big Mac isn't going to eat itself!"

Steve motioned for her to take the lead, "Ok then, lead the way General Mac."

Amber smiled and rolled her eyes as she went past him up the path.

He followed behind her for the first time in a while, admiring her endurances, knowing she was tired and soar but she marched on at an impressive pace. He often summed people up to his military life, putting them in a category as military worthy or not. It didn't change how he felt about them as a person, because Danny was definitely not in the military column, but after getting to know Amber, he began to see her resilience as military material. She was both physically and mentally strong. He admired that about her.

His eyes moved down to her legs. She had on a pair of long; grey, hiking shorts, even though they were still at a high altitude. Her calves weren't overly muscular but were firm from the hundreds of miles of hiking they had done. He was a leg man for sure and considered them up there with the best of them, trying to picture her in a short dress, assuming her thighs were just as defined. She was about five six and her frame wasn't petite but she wasn't heavy either. '_She's sturdy as well as strong_,' he thought to himself. '_She's proven her stamina over the past couple of months.'_

He rolled his eyes over those thoughts of her, '_Geez, you sound like you're rating a horse not a woman.'_

It made him aware of her in a way that he never had before. She was a woman, a pretty one too. She wasn't as beautiful as Catherine he decided, but she wasn't hard to look at either. All this time he hadn't once thought of her in that way. He wondered if it was because of all the feminine qualities that were lacking on account of where they were? But he didn't consider that the reason, because he was attracted more to women who displayed the natural side of themselves rather than the dolled up one. But he did like a woman dressed to the nine too. Catherine looked great in fatigues and a dress, he thought.

It dawned on him then that it was because of Catherine. He had lost interest in even looking at other women the minute she had come into his life full time. Being with someone else had never crossed his mind, because he had her. Even now after months of being alone again the idea of being with another woman just wasn't in his mindset.

It worried him some if he would ever feel that way about another woman again as much as he did his wife?

He hadn't really been in the mainstream of it anyway since her death. He'd spent most of his time after the funeral locked up in the house grieving her. Then he came here and it was just he and Amber.

They got along tremendously considering what they had in common. He was thankful to have her as a friend in this place and he was glad they had what they had, but to him that's all it was. It proved to him then that the thought of moving on was so far out of his line of thinking that it was as if other women didn't even exist in his world. He had the perfect one and now she was gone, that was that.

He wasn't sure how he felt about it. It was just as if that part of him had died along with his wife. He found that unsettling and a little scary, but even trying to picture himself with someone other than Catherine was such a turn off that he wasn't even sure he'd be able to perform, that too was even more unsettling. All feeling for sex was just gone.

Amber didn't get a response to her question and glanced over her shoulder to see if he was still there.

She saw that physically he was, but mentally he somewhere far off as he stared at the ground in front of him as he walked; so much so that when she stopped, he almost ran right into her.

"Steve!" she said taking a step backward to avoid the contact.

He looked up as if startled that she was even there.

"What?" he said as if just waking up from a dream.

"You ok?" she chuckled slightly over his demeanor. He was usually the one that was alert and she was the one that was able to daydream.

He stared at her for a second trying to clear his mind of this new troublesome revelation that was threatening his life. He was doing the PCT to get back on track but this wasn't something huge he couldn't just fix. He looked at Amber and tried to see her in a sexual way but it wasn't happening.

'_You're just not attracted to her,_' he told himself, nervously challenging that thought, '_but it could happen with someone else. It will.' _He tried to convince himself but another disturbing thought just crossed his mind of when the last time was that he had been hard over the thought of a woman. '_Months!'_

She narrowed her eyes looking at him in the oddest way as he stared at her as if in deep concentration.

"Do you want to stop for a while?" she asked.

He shook his head, but didn't verbally answer her.

"Are you ok? You seem kinda lost."

He took in a deep breath and cleared his throat, pushing his shoulders back as he stood up straight. "What? No, I'm fine. I was just…you know," he replied trying to cover his tracks, "I was just thinking about that burger. My mouth is watering," he grinned.

"Hmmm, ok." She didn't believe him, but it wasn't her place to be in his head either, so she let it go. "Do you want to take the lead?"

At this moment he only had one thing on his mind, sex and his lack of ability. If he were to lead them right now, they'd probably end up back east somewhere.

"No, you're doing great. Let's go."

She turned and started walking again but after a few minutes she glanced over her shoulder at him, seeing that same troublesome expression as he stared at the ground again, wondering what had him so worried.

'_I'm never going to be able to have sex again! It might as well just shrivel up and fall off,' _he thought alarmingly. '_You're going to die alone!'_

A disturbing image of he and Danny, old and grey in a nursing home flashed before him.

He actually stumbled on the path over the horrific thought of it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

Amber climbed out of the back of the pickup truck first as Steve handed her their backpacks, one by one.

He then braced a hand on the side and flipped both legs over, landing next to her.

They went to the open passenger side window and waved to the driver.

"Thank you," Amber smiled.

"Thanks for the lift," Steve added.

"You're welcome," the older lady waved as she put the equally old F150 back in gear. "Be safe now," she called out as she drove off.

"Damn," Steve said to Amber wide eyed, "did you see all those hills on that road?"

"Are you kidding me," she sighed, relieved they had a ride. "Thank god we ran into Delvin and Marcus. We would have walked that for sure."

"Pay it forward," Steve said, glancing around Chester, California. "The Post Office closes at 4:00. It's 1:45. Do you want to go there first, or…." He pointed down the street with a wide grin, "there?!"

Amber turned and saw exactly what he was pointing at. "Oh…my…god!" she squealed, clapping her hands. "That is the most beautiful thing I have seen on the trail so far!"

Steve picked up his backpack and slung it over his shoulder, "Look at the color," he played along, "the yellow is outstanding and the way the arches curve is like a beacon. If it could talk it would say," his voice became haunted like, "come this way. Come this way."

Amber laughed as she adjusted her pack on her back. "Let's not waste another second. Someone could be eating our Big Macs right now."

They made the five-minute walk visualizing the food they had been talking about for weeks. As they came up the driveway Amber stopped.

"Wait a minute," she said, "we shouldn't eat inside. We smell pretty bad."

"Oh yea," Steve agreed, "Let's sit out here. I'll go in and get it."

They set their packs down at an outside cement table. Steve reached inside his, taking out his wallet. "I'll buy. Big Mac, large fries and a vanilla shake?" he asked, knowing what she wanted.

"Yes please," she smiled, biting her bottom lip. "My mouth is watering. I'm so excited!"

Steve laughed, "I'll hurry."

She watched him go inside and straight up to the counter that was void of people, thankful for that. It would be a quick order.

She shifted in her seat to get a look at their surroundings and saw something else that intrigued her almost as much as the golden arches.

Steve came out about five minutes later and set down the tray of food on the table.

Amber laughed over the large order. "You bought enough for four people!"

"Eat to your hearts content," he said, handing her a box that had the words Big Mac printed all over it. He set her vanilla shake down in front of her and picked up the chocolate one. "Cheers! To a well deserved McDonalds pig out."

"I'll toast to that," she said, tapping her drink against his.

They both put the straws in their mouths and began to suck as hard as they could until the thick liquid finally made it to their lips, both busting out laughing.

"I think I got a brain aneurysm over that," Amber laughed.

"This is heaven," Steve announced with the straw still in his mouth. "I want one of these for breakfast too."

They tore into the food, not caring about manners as they talked with their mouths full. He followed her strategy of placing fries directly on the burger and then dipping the whole thing in a pile of ketchup.

"You are like a McDonalds connoisseur. You make it even better than it actually is."

"When you have kids, you frequent this place quite a bit," she replied, biting into her burger.

Steve looked over at her, seeing if there was a hint of sadness in that statement but was pleased not to see any.

"Steve," Amber said with a mouth full of burger, "look over there, what do you say we splurge for the night and forget that campsite."

Steve looked over at the Motel 6 across the street. He was way ahead of her on that thought; "On the way here in the back of the truck I was checking out the hotel situations on my phone and booked two rooms at the Best Western." He wiped off his mouth with a napkin and smiled at the shocked, but overly pleased expression on her face.

"Are you serious?!"

"Yep. I'm going to take about a four hour shower while we're there too."

"You are the best hiking partner EVER!" she shouted. "I love you! That is the best surprise ever!"

He laughed over her excitement. Glad he had done it now and saved it for a surprise.

"Where is it? How far?"

"About a mile up the road."

"Shit," Amber huffed, "we can walk a mile as easily as walking across the street."

"Check in is at three. The Post Office is only a couple of blocks from the hotel. We can check in, drop our stuff and then go get our packages. Will you be able to carry yours back to the hotel?"

Amber nodded after taking another full bite of her burger, "its not too big," she said, with her hand over her mouth.

"Perfect then," he said, holding up his shake to her again. "It's going to be a great night."

She tapped hers against his again and they both drank down the delightful treat.

...

"I can't remember the last time I was this full," Amber groaned as they walked along the sidewalk in the direction of the hotel.

"I know," Steve agreed, "I needed this walk to work off some of that food."

"Hey look," Amber pointed up at a sign that was hanging down from an establishment as they walked toward the hotel. "Isn't that the bar that Delvin and Marcus told us about?"

"Oh yea, I think it is."

They stopped as they went by and looked in the window at the establishment.

"Do you want to go in for a beer?" Steve asked her.

"I'm so full from lunch that I don't think I could drink a beer, but tonight I'd be all for it."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I want a shower before a beer," he said, "but after that I could use about four of them."

Amber giggled, "Me too. On both of those."

"Let's get cleaned up and get our packages and then head out for a night on the town at the ole' Sunrise bar."

"Sounds like a good plan," she agreed.

They walked a half a block further to the entrance of the hotel and went in through the front sliding glass doors.

Amber smiled at the homey décor of the lobby that had an oversized leather couch and fireplace.

They went up to the desk and slid their backpacks off their shoulders, setting them on the ground next to them.

"Good afternoon," a young woman dressed in everyday clothes greeted them. "Do you have a reservation?"

"Yes," Steve said, "McGarrett. Two rooms."

She typed into her computer and smiled, "I have you for two rooms with a king bed in each. Is that ok?"

"Perfect," he replied, sliding his credit card across the counter to her.

Amber set hers down too and Steve looked over at her, sliding it back to her. "I got it."

"Why? I can pay for my own."

"Because it was my idea and I want to."

Amber huffed, taking her card back, "Ok fine, thank you, but beers are on me tonight."

"Would you like adjoining rooms?" the woman asked them. "I have one available."

Steve shrugged, "I don't care." He looked over at Amber for her answer.

"Yes please, she responded. "We've been sleeping ten feet away from each other for almost two months, I like the idea of joined rooms."

He liked it too, "Ok great, we'll take it."

…..

Amber turned and fell back on the bed with her arms open wide. "I'm in heaven," she said of the soft material that folded around her. She looked up, hearing a knock on the door that led to Steve's room.

She got up and went over, unlocking it from her side.

"Is this great or what?" he said as she swung the door all the way open against the back wall and stepped inside of his room that was identical to hers.

"The bed is so soft," she said.

He went over and sat down on the edge, leaning back and pushing down on the mattress as it gave way. "Very nice," he sighed. "I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight."

Amber giggled, "Me too. I almost want to go to bed now just to take advantage of the whole thing for as long as I can but I'm also beginning to crave a cold beverage."

Steve smiled, "Let's get our stuff done and go get one."

…

"Congratulations on making it to the halfway mark," the older man said as he set Steve's box on the counter. He bent over and picked up Amber's next, "And the same to you young lady."

"Thank you," Amber smiled proudly. "We're going to celebrate right after we drop these off."

"Go to Sunrise bar," he suggested. "If you are a PCT hiker, you get a free shot."

"That's where were headed," Amber announced. "We heard about that place from other hikers."

"Yep, they'll treat you right."

They took their boxes outside and began walking back to the hotel with them. Neither of them were overly large, consisting mainly of socks and a change of clothes. Whatever food or camping supplies they needed could be picked up at the local grocery store. Chester was one of the larger towns they went through.

Amber glanced in a store window as they went by it, admiring the clothes inside.

She got a glimpse of her reflection and cringed over her appearance. The idea of going out to a bar with the clothes she had on, even the newer clean ones in her package still didn't seem very appealing.

"Hey," she said to Steve, "I'm going to stop in here for a quick look around. You can go ahead back to the room if you want and I'll meet up with you later."

He glanced in the store window and assumed she needed maybe some underwear or a bra, not necessarily wanting him to come inside with her, which was fine because he didn't want to.

"Ok, do you want me take your box with me?"

"No, It's fine. That's a lot for you to carry. I'm sure they'll stash it for me while I shop."

"Ok, I'll see you back at the room then."

She went inside and set the package down by the front door and went straight to a rack of dresses hanging against the wall, flipping through them. She pulled out a couple that were cute but thought would be too dressy for just the bar trip. Plus she didn't want to drag it along with her in her backpack so it was going to be for a one-night thing and that was it, so it had to be inexpensive as well.

"Hi, can I help you?" a young woman asked that was dressed in blue jeans and a cut off sweatshirt, showing her midriff that was slender and tan.

"Hi, umm, I'm just looking really."

The young woman took a step back and put her hand over her nose, "Did you just come off the trail?"

"Oh, well, yes," Amber replied, getting the idea that she smelled worse than she thought.

"Ok, yea, well, please don't try any of the clothes on."

"Ok, I get it, I stink, I just want something casual to wear for one night, after I shower," she said with a hint of sarcasm in her voice, "and then it will probably be left at the hotel when I get back on the PCT."

The girl gave her the once over and motioned with her hand to follow her. "Come over here."

She followed behind her, glancing around the store, pleased that she was the only customer in the there.

"You might find something in here," she suggested. "We take clothes on consignment too. These are a little less expensive and maybe more of what you're looking for." she stepped back, getting another whiff of her body odor and smiled, "help yourself, but please do not try these on either."

Amber rolled her eyes, not really blaming her for the curt attitude, she was running a business after all and she did in fact not smell all that pleasant, wishing now she would have gone back with Steve and then come here after her shower, but she decided to just grab something quick and go.

The weather wasn't summer just yet so a sundress was out of the question; afraid she'd be too cold. She flipped through the clothes when she spotted a light tan, three-quarter-sleeve wrap around dress with a decent neckline that was low but not too revealing. She took it off the rack and laid it up against her body, looking at her reflection in a nearby mirror. The material was silky, guessing that it was mostly rayon but partly cotton too. It came mid-length to her thigh and she was even pleasantly surprised that it looked ok with the tan hiking shoes she had on and the price was right at only $15.

"That would look cute on you," the woman said, standing behind her. "I'm assuming you don't have any shoes."

"No," Amber replied, "but these hiking shoes and the tan color kinda make it look like a safari outfit, you know what I mean?"

The girl shrugged, "Yes, maybe." She went over to a table that had a variety of sandals on them that were marked down for quick sale and choose a pair of casual gold flat ones. "What about these?"

"Those are cute but it's just one night so I really can't afford too much."

"I'll tell you what," the woman said, "If you buy the dress I'll throw the shoes in as a bonus. I'm sure you've been wearing nothing but hiking shoes for the past couple of months. You deserve a bonus."

Amber smiled brightly at her. "Really? Wow, ok, thank you! Thank you so much!"

"No problem. Come over and I'll ring you up."

…..

Steve stood in front of the mirror in the hotel bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and stared at his reflection.

"Ok, you served your purpose, now its time to go," he said of the long beard on his face that looked grubby and untidy.

He used the small pair of scissors from his utility knife and pulled down on the bottom of it and began to trim it until it was short enough to shave off the rest of the way.

He spread shaving cream over it and slowly began to drag the razor through it, taking his time so as not to cut himself, knowing it would take two rounds of shaving cream to complete the task.

Ten minutes later he rinsed his face off and ran his hand over the smooth surface and smiled at the man in the mirror that he hadn't seen in some time.

"Hey buddy, welcome back," he chuckled.

His hair was longer than it had been in years but that was nothing he was willing to mess with. It was what it was and he didn't care.

…..

Amber lay back in the small bathtub and moaned with pleasure at the feel of the splendidness of it. Her knees were above the water but she didn't care, as long as her shoulders, sides and back were submerged. She looked down her naked body and winced at all the healing and even a couple of new bruises and abrasions she'd acquired since starting out. She had almost two identical ones on either side of her body just below her rib cage from her backpack rubbing there. It might have eventually been the death of the hike if she hadn't met Steve. He adjusted her pack to make it fit right. She complained at first, having it sit so high up on her back that it felt top heavy and clumsy, but after the first day with no pain and no knew rubbing welts, she praised him. It was one of the first turning points in the relationship when she really began to stop being skeptical of him and began to trust him.

She appreciated him more and more everyday and hoped he felt the same about her. She tried hard to make use of herself and used his tips whenever he gave one, which wasn't often unless she verbally spoke up and asked. He was patient that way, never forcing his techniques on to her, but if she asked, he always seemed to have a more beneficial way of handling things and never made her feel inadequate when he taught her. He was brilliant in that aspect, understanding now his rank in the Navy and why people followed him.

She thought of her children, Ava and Adam and how they would have benefited from a father like that. Kevin was neither patient nor forgiving, often criticizing them to the point that she would step in, but more often than not it would only lead to her getting the same treatment.

She felt a wave of relief knowing that she would never have to deal with him ever again, but at the same time she felt a wave of guilt and despair knowing what it cost her.

She sunk down in the tub feeling the excitement of the night begin to turn on her, not sure she even wanted to go out now when she heard a knock on the adjoining door to her room. She sat up and answered the voice on the other side.

"I'm in the tub, Steve," she shouted back. "Go ahead and go and I'll meet you there."

He was taken back by that, hearing something in her voice that didn't mirror the enthusiasm from the day, the tone didn't sit well with him.

"Are you too tired? We don't have to go," he hoped she wasn't, he really wanted a night out.

"No, I just…" she sighed, knowing how much he wanted this, "I'm getting out right now, just go and I'll meet you there."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she replied, more upbeat, "order me a vodka soda."

He smiled over that, "Ok, text me when you're on your way."

She stood up and reached for the towel on the wall, "Ok sounds good."

She heard his door close as she came out of the bathroom, staring at the dress on the bed.

"C'mon," she encouraged herself, "don't be a party pooper. You both worked so hard for this and deserve it! If anything you need to perk up and be a good sport for him."

She dried off and picked up the dress, "You'll feel better once you get there," she told herself over and over, trying to ward off the depressing feelings of missing her kids.

…

Steve came in the bar and looked around, seeing half of the tables occupied, and not sure which Amber would chose so he decided to just buddy up to the bar and wait for her. They could move to a table later if she wanted.

He took a spot toward the far end a few seats away from the other two occupants and pulled the stool out.

The bartender, who didn't look much older than him, had a ponytail and an old Van Halen t-shirt on. He came down to where he was.

"How you doing?" he asked as he set a white square napkin down in front of him. "What can I get for ya?"

"Do you have Longboard," Steve asked, wanting a taste of home.

"Sure, Kona or Big Wave?"

"Big Wave," Steve grinned, pleased that he had a choice and Big Wave was his favorite.

He looked over his shoulder at the TV's to see what was playing, hoping to catch a game that would interest him, but one had a soccer game and the other had ESPN news with the volume turned down and the other was a random infomercial, assuming it had a game on at one time but no one had turned the channel yet. It was late Wednesday afternoon and unless a basketball game came on later he wasn't sure there would be any sports worth watching.

The beer arrived and he thanked the bartender, picking up the cold bottle about to take a drink when he stopped, feeling it wasn't right without his partner in crime there with him.

"Hey," he said to the man. "Can I get a vodka soda too please?"

He raised his hand acknowledging the request and grabbed a glass from the stack.

Steve picked up his phone and texted her.

_Hey vodka soda ordered and my beer is sitting untouched until you get here so hurry up!_

He smiled and sent it, seeing the little dots below his message but when it was returned all that was showing was an emoji of a woman in a dress running.

He laughed and set the phone down.

"Shit," Amber cussed, slipping the sandals on and grabbing her room key off the table and hurrying out.

Less than ten minutes later after practically running there she came in the bar, glancing around but not seeing him anywhere. She went back out and looked up at the sign to make sure she was at the right place when her phone buzzed.

_Nice dress!_ _But where are you going? _he texted her. The bar was small enough that there was no way she couldn't have seen him.

She read the text, confused as she opened the door again and went back inside, thinking she must have just glanced over him. She scanned the inside again and saw a man at the bar with his arms spread out as if asking across the way, what was she doing?

It hit her then that that was Steve, beard free.

"Oh my god," she whispered, showing it on her face too as she went toward him.

It dawned on him then what she was so flabbergasted over, laughing as he rubbed his hand over his face, "Do I look that different?" he chuckled.

She shook her head as she stood before him, completely in awe of the man that had been hiding under the beard for the past two months. "You…" she started and then said the first thing that came to mind, "you look like a movie star without all that mess. Who knew that I was hiking with George Clooney?"

Steve laughed, giving her the once over with his eyes, "Me? Look at you!" he came off of his barstool and took her hand, holding it out so he could admire the dress. "Just something you picked up?" he teased her. "You look awesome!"

Amber blushed slightly and curtsied to him. "You mean this ole' thing? Why thank you."

He handed her the vodka soda and picked up his beer.

"I can't believe you waited," she said of the full beer in his hand.

"I felt guilty. We both deserve this. Cheers to kicking half of the PCT's ass!"

"I'll drink to that," she said, touching her glass to his bottle and then they both took a long drink.

"Awwww, " Amber moaned with pleasure. "This tastes sooo much better than a shake."

"Agreed," Steve said, pulling out a stool for her next to him

He sat back down and looked at her bare legs as she crossed them on the barstool. Besides a couple of bruises and small cuts here and there, they looked really good to him.

"I can't believe how different you look," she said to him. "I'm serious," she chuckled, "you are gorgeous."

Steve laughed again, ignoring the compliment, too enthralled with her transformation, "I was just thinking the same thing about you. I don't think I've seen you with your hair down like that. I like it. You look really pretty tonight, Amber."

"Thanks. I just wanted to be a girl for one night?"

"Mission accomplished. We better enjoy it because we'll be back on the trail before we know it."

The bartender made his way over to them. "Hey, I couldn't help but overhear. Are you two fresh off the PCT?"

"Yep. This is our hiatus," Amber announced, "for making the halfway mark. A nice hotel and a bar."

"I owe you a drink then," he declared, putting two shot glasses on the bar. "The owner of this bar did the PCT three times and gives a shot to whoever comes in that is passing through. So, two Jose' Cuervos coming up."

Amber's eyes got big as a playfully frightened expression came over her face. "Tequila," she quivered. "We're in trouble now."

The depression that had been hovering over her earlier had vanished now that she was in Steve's presence.

'_He has the strangest power over me,_' she thought happily, enjoying his company as always.

…..

Less than an hour later they sat at a booth, sharing a variety of appetizers that consisted of mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers, onion rings and a basket of french fries.

Amber tilted her head toward another table, "I swear those two girls over there have not taken their eyes off of you since we sat down."

Steve didn't bother looking, not caring.

"Maybe they're looking at you and not me," he grinned.

Amber let out a laugh over that, covering her mouth with a tissue as she continued to giggle, feeling the shot of tequila and two drinks already in her system.

Steve picked up on her laughter just from watching her. "You are what I would consider a happy drunk," he chuckled.

"I am enjoying myself," she agreed, holding up her vodka soda that was in need of a refill.

"Another one?" he asked.

"Only if I'm not drinking alone."

"I'm taking that as a yes then." He polished off his beer and picked up both glasses. "Round three?"

"Would Piglet ever say no to Pigpen?"

Steve laughed as he stood up, "I'm still not sure which one of those two I am."

"Neither tonight," she smiled as he walked off with their empty drinks to the bar for a refill.

Amber watched him and then smiled as the two girls watched him as well. They were definitely smitten by him and not her, that was crystal clear. Her eyes went back to him as he stood at the bar and spoke something to the bartender and then they both laughed. He had a great sense of humor, as well as an easygoing nature. He would find love again, she was sure of it.

He came back over and set down the drinks and then slid into the booth across from her.

"Do you find those two women over there attractive?" she asked out of the blue.

Steve looked at her like she was insane, "What?! Why would you ask that? I have no interest in even looking over there and judging it."

"Most men who had the opportunity that is sitting over there would jump on it."

"That's not true," he argued.

She glanced over at them, "Kevin would have left with them," she said.

"I'm sorry to say this Amber, but your ex husband is not what I would consider most men to be like. Not even by a long shot."

She looked back over at him sadly. "I know."

She played with the straw in her drink, "I feel so stupid for being with him. I don't even know how it happened. I was young and naïve' and he was so strong and assured of himself. Women looked at him too, but before we were married he treated me as if I was the only woman he saw, but I knew there were others, and even more after we were married." she looked across at him. "Why did I marry him? Why?" She didn't expect him to answer, nor could she have anticipated the one he gave her.

"Because you were young and naïve', because you were in love, because he was strong and assured of himself. The list can be one of many different reasons, but the truth of the matter is that he manipulated you, Amber. You can't blame yourself for that. He wasn't real. He preyed upon you and took advantage of your good-natured soul. You never knew him, not really, and no matter how long you would have been married to him, you never would have."

He had completely exonerated her from all guilt in just a matter of a few words, offering her the chance to accept it and move on or to dwell on the past that she couldn't change. Losing her babies was a guilt that she would never get over, but the reasons for marrying the monster that took them from her suddenly shifted and she didn't blame herself so much anymore, just like Steve had so clearly laid out for her, she realized it really wasn't her fault. She was just another one of Kevin's victims.

"I bet your wife knew you, didn't she?" she asked, wiping away a tear.

Steve smiled, considering Catherine as the one true person in his entire life that knew him better than anyone else.

"Yea, Catherine knew me. She had my number down so well that it was impossible to get anything by her. But I knew her too. It was a two-way street. Don't get me wrong, I liked it that way, loved it actually. It just made things easier in our relationship. You know what I mean? There were no games. I hate games. I've never been the type of person that knew how to play them anyway. Being straight forward and trustworthy, that's the only game I know how to play."

He loved that about Catherine too, more than just about anything else. He trusted her with his life on more than one occasion. The idea of starting over with someone else was just as scary as that dreaded reality he was currently facing that he'd never feel that drive to even want to be with another woman. She'd been the only one he'd been with for so many years that he didn't even know how to be with anyone else.

"Will you ever get married again?" she asked him.

Steve toyed with the beer in his hand, staring down at it as he tipped it back and forth, "I don't think I'd be a very good husband to anyone else," he admitted. '_I can't even have sex,'_ he thought uneasily, finding that problem to be his number one shortcoming at the moment.

She thought that an odd response, considering him to be very good husband material. "Were you a good husband to Catherine?"

He looked across at her. No one had ever asked him that question before, except for himself.

"I tried to be. I wanted to be."

"Then you were," Amber said. "I've only known you a short time and I didn't know her or your relationship at all, but I know that you were."

He appreciated that compliment more than she knew.

"Thanks Amber," he replied sincerely." That means a lot to me."

"You're welcome."

"What about you," he turned the tables, "will you ever get married again?"

"No."

Her answer was quick and direct.

"Why not?"

She shook her head. "I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone like that ever again."

"You trust me," he said as an example.

"Do you want to marry me?" she replied with a curt expression, knowing he was just trying to prove to her that it was possible to trust.

Steve smiled, "I'm just saying, its possible."

"Not for me," she said almost sadly. "One and done." She picked up her third fresh drink and finished it off.

"Another subject?" he suggested.

"Yes, please!"

"How about another drink and a game of darts?"

Her face lighted up over that suggestion. "I'm not very good at darts, but ok."

He got up and went back to the bar and ordered her another round while she made her way over to where the dartboard was in the back of the bar.

….

Steve leaned back against the wall by the dartboard laughing so hard he could barely stand up.

Amber was laughing just as hard as she picked up her darts off the floor. It was the third round of play and she'd only hit the board twice the entire time.

Steve wiped away the tears from his eyes; "I can't believe…" he began and broke out in another round of laughter, bending over as his gut began to hurt.

"I told you," Amber laughed.

He stood back up and wiped away more tears. "I can't believe how bad you are," he barely got the words out as they both busted up, the alcohol fueling their silliness.

"Stop!" Amber pleaded, holding her stomach. "I can't breathe."

"You are horrible at darts," Steve roared with laughter.

She took one of the plastic tipped darts and threw it over in his direction, missing him completely.

He about lost it then, unable to control the laughter, feeling weak because of it as he slid into a bar chair that was next to him.

Amber walked over and stood before him, holding her hand out and dropping the other two darts at his feet as if playing the 'drop the mic' stunt.

"I'm over this game," she laughed with him, sitting down in the chair next to his.

"Oh my god," Steve calmed, wiping more tears from his eyes, "that dart game…" he tried to catch his breath, "was the funniest thing I think I've ever seen."

"You're drunk," Amber declared, picking up her fifth vodka soda.

"So are you," he added.

She leaned across the table with a lazy grin, "Hell ya I am."

They both started laughing again.

"Let's get out of here," Steve said, "before they throw us out." He picked up his beer as he stood up and finished it off in one long drink and then burped under his breath.

"Pig," Amber joked, making a disgusted face.

He put an arm over her shoulder as they walked toward the exit, whispering loudly in her ear. "Pig Pen," he corrected her, "get it right, Piglet." His voice slightly slurred.

She giggled and nuzzled her face into his neck and inhaled deeply. "Not tonight you aren't. Tonight you smell like you look, DIVINE as WINE!" she over exaggerated the words and then giggled.

He squeezed his arm around her, pulling her in closer as they stepped outside into the dark street. "And you look gorg…" he paused trying to think of two words that rhymed.

"What?" she said, looking up at him, "Gorg? What the hell is gorg? I look like a gorg?" She pushed off of him, stumbling slightly and laughing, "You suck at this."

"Gorgeous," he quickly shouted out, holding his arms out, "I meant gorgeous, smorgeous. That's how you look."

That's not even a vord!" her speech slurred. "word!" She corrected.

They both started laughing again, making their way arm in arm back to the hotel a couple of blocks away.

….

"Let's watch a movie," Amber said, plopping down on her bed, which was littered with items from her backpack. She picked up the remote and turned on the TV to the movie library. "A scary movie," she bit her bottom lip excitedly. "Like Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" she squealed and bounced up and down on the edge of the bed.

Steve popped open a beer from the six-pack they had bought at the hotel store in the lobby, handing it to her. "No way. We should watch Rambo!"

Amber's face contorted to show her distaste in that suggestion. "Yuck!" She took the beer and instantly put it up to her lips, but had a counter offer before she could even take a drink, blurting it out. "Jaws!" she pointed at the screen, "I love that movie and I haven't seen it in years!"

Steve smiled, "Ok, I'll probably never go surfing again, but ok." He went into his adjoining room. "Let's watch it in here. You got too much shit all over."

Amber got up and followed him, stumbling slightly as she did, spilling a little of her beer and then wiping her wet hand on her dress. "Ok."

She came in and sat down on the edge of his bed and picked up the remote to find the same movie channel line up.

He grabbed a pair of sweats that were sitting on the chair and went in the bathroom, closing the door.

"You don't have to hide," Amber called out. "Not like I haven't seen you naked before," she yelled and then started giggling over the memory of their first encounter.

Steve came out seconds later tying the string on his sweats, "Laugh it up, but I bet it was the best free show you ever saw."

She laughed over that, laying down on the bed with her head at the foot of it, facing the TV. "I did get a good laugh over it," she confessed.

"A good laugh?" he said, pretending he was hurt by that comment. He grabbed both pillows and lay down next to her, setting his beer on the floor, looking over at her with a sad expression. "You really know how to hurt a guy."

Amber giggled, "You know what I mean. It was funny." she nudged him with her elbow, as she tucked one of the pillows under her chin. "Don't tell me you didn't laugh about it too."

He smiled then, "Ok, I have to admit after the humiliation wore off I did find some humor in it."

She pointed the remote at the TV and started the movie, "You can't be mad at me about anything," she declared, rolling off the bed and going for the light switch by the door, "I saved your bacon that day."

He scooted over some as she lay back down, "I thanked you," he quickly responded, "by saving you from becoming bacon by that cougar."

Amber smiled brightly, "Oh yea. I forgot about that cougar." She looked over at him, "Ok, we're even."

"Nope," Steve replied, "you still owe me. I saved your life, you just saved my backpack, BIG difference."

She dropped her head down on the bed, giggling. "Ok, ok, what would you like?"

He looked over at the TV, "Nothing," he said overly nice, "I did it out of the goodness of my heart. You can't repay that."

Amber cracked up. "Oh my god, you are so full of shit. You just wanted a reason to pull out that gun, Rambo!"

He reached over and picked up his beer. "Watch the movie," he chuckled, taking a drink and setting it back down.

She smiled over at him, and then faced the screen, setting her chin on the soft pillow as they lay next to each other.

…..

An hour into the movie Amber slid off the bed, "Be right back," she announced, stumbling into her room. "I have to pee."

"Thanks for that piece of information," Steve chuckled. He glanced over at his bathroom and the urge suddenly hit him as well. "Hmm," he giggled, "I'm going to pee too," he yelled out to her, hearing her laugh from her bathroom.

She came out before him, lying back down on the bed, looking around at his room that was neat and clean. His backpack was in the corner, surrounded by all his stuff that needed to be packed, arranged in an orderly fashion on the floor.

He came out seconds later and plopped down next to her, taking the pillow and shoving it under his chin. "I was thinking about you while I was in there," he began, seeing her face make that disgusted expression again.

"You were thinking about me while you were peeing," she snorted, "that's gross!"

Steve shook his head at her, rolling his eyes, "As I was saying…I was thinking that you should come and visit me sometime in Hawaii."

Amber's expression changed from disgusted to pleased in a matter of seconds. "Really?"

"Sure, why not? I have a place right on the beach."

"I've never been there before."

"I know, you told me that. You should come," he said matter of fact. "It would be fun."

"Maybe I will," she replied.

"It's beautiful there. I miss it." His expression was dreamlike and then all at once it turned sad, "I'm afraid to go home though," he blurted out.

Amber knew why, he didn't have to explain. "Me too," she replied, her tone mirroring his expression.

He was comforted by the fact that she really did know.

"You want to know something," he said to her.

"What?"

"I'm not sure I would have made it this far if I hadn't run into you."

Amber smiled, "I know for a fact that I wouldn't have made it without you." She thought that literally in more ways than just the hike, but didn't say it.

"I think I want you to come to Hawaii because it will ease my anxiety having you there. Is that selfish?"

Amber shook her head, "No. Sometimes I feel scared when I think about this hike ending, knowing you'll be gone and it'll just be me again." she laid her head on the pillow smiling over at him, "You've been a great friend to me."

He nodded, feeling the same way about her. "You too."

"What scares you most about going home?" she asked.

"Being alone."

"I'm afraid of that too. I'm kind of isolated now. My friends all disappeared, my families scattered, not that we were ever really close. Divorced and re-married parents and all."

"You'll never be alone, Amber.' He reached over and innocently moved a piece of her hair behind her ear. "Not as long as I'm breathing. I promise you that. We don't come off of a life changing adventure like this and just shake hands and walk away."

She couldn't control the urge and hugged him, feeling his words touch her all the way to the core. After so long of not having any kind of human support it was an amazing feeling to know that someone was out there for her. He'd proved himself reliable so she knew it wasn't just words or the alcohol talking, She trusted him.

She held tightly on to him and he let her, enjoying the reason for the embrace as much as she did.

She pulled away but they remained close, looking at one another as the movie in the background shed what light there was in the room.

She suddenly didn't look like Amber whom he'd been hiking with for the past couple of months. Her long brown hair lay over her shoulders and her amber colored eyes seemed to still be embracing him. He felt something familiar with her that he hadn't in a long time.

She felt lucky to be where she was at that second, knowing his friendship was like a gift from heaven.

"You saved my life, you know that don't you," she whispered. "I know I'm probably not the first, but it means everything to me."

He realized just then what it was that he felt with her, it was his masculinity. Her flattering compliments throughout the night made him feel whole again, inspiring sexual thoughts that were fueled by the alcohol and his admiration for her.

His smoldering good looks in the dim light tickled her insides. She knew they were lying too close to consider it friendly, but she didn't care. She'd been so lonely the past year; craving the warmth and touch of another human, but not just anyone, someone she could trust. He needed it too. It showed in the way that he was looking at her in the same soulful way. He'd lost touch with that emotional side of himself the same as she. How could they have not she thought sadly. The heart can only take so much before it shuts down forever; but she wasn't ready for that yet. She thought she was, but she was wrong.

"Its sad isn't it," she said to him, "how much of ourselves that we lost."

"I want it back," he whispered. "I want to know that it's still possible to feel something for someone."

"I'm scared for it," she admitted, "but maybe this is why we met, maybe this is why we're here right now." She moved in closer to him, "I want it back too. I want someone to look at me. I want someone…to need me. To want me."

The word need was the turning point for him. It fueled his desire, bringing him back from that point of despair that he'd been living with. He needed her too, more so than just about anyone ever, feeling that weight slide off of his shoulders.

When thinking back on that precise moment, he didn't know if it was he who kissed her first or if it were Amber that instigated it, nonetheless, the first one came out of nowhere but felt too good to let up and pretend it was just an innocent move, because it wasn't.

It wasn't love, it wasn't cheap, or even taking advantage, and it was certainly not without tenderness. It was two friends who were dying inside, needing the other to restore that spark to bring them back to life.

Amber let out a soft moan as she wrapped her leg around his, moving her hand through his hair as she pulled him in closer. She had never thought about kissing him, it just never occurred to her in her current mindset, shocked at first by the impulsive move, but quickly surrendered. Her mind reeling over the pleasure she was receiving from it.

It started out naively enough, but as the next kiss intensified, so did the mood. The enjoyable night and the booze cluttered their conscience, freeing them of any remorseful thoughts that might impede on the guilty pleasure they were both enjoying. Neither one allowed or were capable of letting their thoughts drift to how or why they were in the position they were at that second, or to question the outcome, both were to enthralled with how incredibly good it felt, and desperately wanting it to move to the next level.

His fear of being able to rise to the occasion was swiftly shot down; feeling his body react to the feel of Amber beneath him, knowing she wanted him just as badly was the key to his success.

Steve broke away but only far enough and long enough to pull the shirt over his head with her help.

She dug her fingers into his hair once again and pulled down while lifting up to meet his lips, wanting more.

She fumbled with the tie around her waist, holding the dress together when she felt his hand over top of hers, helping the cause as they did it together. She let go and moaned again, feeling his hand on her skin as he caressed it over her stomach and up her body, moving the material out of the way as the dress lay open like a robe, exposing her bare breasts.

It was as if his mind had left all behind, caught up in the moment. He only thought of her and no one else. The feel of her skin against his and the caressing of her hands just made him want her all the more. He slid his hand down her side as she opened her thighs, an invitation for him, which he eagerly and happily accepted.

She broke from the kiss and laid her head back and moaned, her back slightly arched as he moved his fingers over top of her panties, teasing her, taunting her. She felt his warm breath on her neck as he kissed her there, moving his lips down as she guided him with her hand still in his hair, pulling him down to her breasts, anxious for his arrival and another pleasurable moment to arise. And it did, even more so than she anticipated.

Every new place on her that he touched was even better than the last. She was exquisite, satisfying every urge as he explored her body with his hands and lips. But there was one last craving that he wanted from her, assured by the generosity that she was bestowing upon him that she wanted the same as he felt her hands at his waist, untying the sting that held his sweat pants on.

He rose up just enough to pull them down at the same time she wiggled out of her panties, forgoing taking the dress off all the way, too eager for the next step to happen. He put both hands on her waist and pulled her down the bed away from the edge. The dress cinched up her waist as he lay back down between her legs and kissed her again.

She could feel him and it reminded her of the day they met and seeing him naked then. She did find pleasure in it, but never in a million years would she have thought she would take pleasure in it the way she was about to.

It was almost too perfect as he slid inside of her. Her body wrapped around him, caressing him as she pulled him in, released him and then pulled again, moving with him as they savored each other, lost in the passion that was mind blowing. Both getting exactly what they needed from the other.

He slipped his arm under her neck and gripped her by the shoulders, raising up just slightly with his other hand and increased the momentum, which only enhanced the sensation for both of them.

Her body began to sweat from the friction between them, never in her life had she experienced such freedom and a connection with a man as she did with him at that moment. It was the way he moved on. He wasn't just taking pleasure from her as her ex used to; he was taking pleasure with her, making sure she was getting what he was. Something was changing inside of her that was both exhilarating and frightening at the same time.

Her named was in his thoughts, praising her over and over with every stroke not wanting it to end; it just felt too good to let it. But even though he controlled the momentum, she ultimately controlled the finale, bringing him to a climatic finish with the pleasurable knowledge that he had satisfied her all the way to the end as well.

She could feel his heart pounding against hers' as they lay motionless after it was over, neither one saying a word, too mesmerized over the explosive climax that each had experienced.

The movie in the background played on, getting his attention as someone screamed out. He looked over to his left and saw the remote, reaching over and grabbing it and shutting it off.

The room grew dark and he slid off of her to his side, but kept his arm around her shoulder.

They lay like that for a while, neither finding any words to say. The passion had settled and their minds were no longer cluttered with lust, which brought reality sweeping back into the hotel room.

As their bodies cooled down they both felt a chill in the air.

Amber sat up and wiggled the dress down her body and wrapped it around her. She grabbed the comforter, pulling it over as she lay back down, feeling his arm go around her once more as it covered both of them.

"Are you warm," he asked.

"Yes," she replied, with her head on his shoulder. "Are you?"

"I'm good," he answered. The exchange was polite but he would have given a million dollars to know what she was thinking.

Amber's greatest sexual encounter had just taken place and she was relaxed and content, hoping he was as well. She enjoyed him and got exactly what she was looking for from the encounter. It meant the world to her the way he had made love to her, making her feel worthy and desired like never before. She did trust him and admired him more than any other man she had ever known, but that was as far as her feelings went, cutting it off at the heart. She needed his friendship more than anything else, too afraid to let herself get caught up into allowing anything more.

The gentle motion and the warmth of his embrace was so relaxing that within minutes she was sound asleep.

Steve lay there in the dark, knowing she had drifted off and glad that she had. He stared up at the ceiling not feeling the same comfort that Amber was. He felt guilt, fully aware now that he hadn't even thought once of Catherine while he was with Amber, ashamed over it, but not sure why. Did that mean he was over her? It didn't feel like it, because the remorse over being where he was at that second was overwhelming.

'_I'm sorry, Cat,'_ he thought sadly, feeling as if he had just betrayed her and what they had together.

He glanced down at Amber; not sure where they would go from here, wondering if what they had done meant more emotionally to her than it did to him. She had helped him over an obstacle that had been torturing him for weeks, but now that it was done, he didn't feel the relief that he thought he would. He enjoyed making love to her too much and those feelings of pleasure and excitement now turned on him. The guilt was overwhelming. Catherine had been gone less than a year and here he was in a hotel, in bed with someone else.

He'd let the alcohol and his loneliness take advantage of him and now he was paying the price for his infidelity and weakness.

Amber sighed and he placed his hand on her back, calming her back to sleep. He cared a great deal for her, but as she lay snuggled up against him, he couldn't help but wish that it were Catherine lying there instead.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

Amber slowly opened her eyes and the first thing she noticed was the terrible pain in her head from the alcohol the night before. The second thing she noticed was the empty spot next to her where Steve should have been.

She rolled over hearing the shower on in his bathroom and sat up, running a hand through her hair, glancing down at the tan dress that was partially open, exposing her breasts, recalling the night before.

"Oh god," she moaned, pulling the covers up. She glanced over at the closed bathroom door again and sighed, '_This changes everything,'_ she thought uneasily, wondering what was going through his mind at that moment.

She lay back down and thought about the night before and what they had done. A smile slowly crept up on her face over the actual event. It was explosive and it was without a doubt the best sex of her life, feeling the after effects now as her body tingled over just the thought of it.

He had been incredibly sensitive to her needs as well as astoundingly effective in taking care of them, never had she orgasmed before in that position without some extra help.

She glanced over in the direction of the shower and felt a wave of fear, wondering how this would affect their relationship. Neither had confessed any true feelings that they had for the other in that capacity, yet it didn't feel cheap or without feelings either.

He needed her and she wanted him. They both got what they were hoping for, at least she did. She bit her bottom lip, wondering if he did too? She had fallen asleep right after, passed out was more like it, but she did recall that she hadn't felt that relaxed and comforted in years.

Yet, they had never said a word about it after it was over, nothing.

She sat up and threw the covers off, scooting off the bed and grabbed her panties that were on the floor. She went to her room and closed the adjoining door, but not all the way so it didn't seem like she was shutting him out. She decided to let him set the tone of how it was going to be. Maybe he would just act as if nothing had happened and life on the PCT would be normal between them again. She hoped anyway, needing his friendship far more than she had ever anticipated, feeling closer to him because of what had occurred between them, but she also didn't want it to come between them.

Steve braced one hand on the wall in the shower and hung his head, staring at the drain as the warm water washed over his body.

'_This is going to change everything_,' he thought uneasily. He felt responsible for what had happened between them the night before. He wasn't sure if it was he who had instigated it or if it was neutral but it didn't matter, he felt that in the end it was his decision to go through with it, but how could he have not? She felt so good and the timing was perfect and the kiss was perfect and the whole act in itself was perfect. He decided right then that he didn't necessarily regret what they had done because it felt amazing, but he did feel the guilt of the aftermath. He loved Catherine with all his heart and soul, they'd had great sex over the years and even more so the last few months they were together, but what he experienced with Amber was different. He couldn't put a name or a label on it but just knew deep down that it was different. Maybe because there were no expectations between them and it was spontaneous. Its not as if they were on a date and it was out there floating around, it was the furthest thing from his mind and he was pretty sure it was the same for her. She had never, not one time ever given him a signal that she was attracted to him in that way. Even with the compliments the night before about his shaving, it was said in a way as if Kono would have complimented him. He took it that way too.

He moaned over the terrible dilemma they were now in and hiding out in the shower was not going to solve the problem.

He turned the water off and reached over taking the towel off the rack and dried off and then wrapped it around his waist.

He'd just go out there and be exactly who he had been for the past couple of months. Her friendship and companionship meant so much to him, hoping and praying that their liaison from the night before didn't change that. He'd just let her set the tone. If she wanted more from him then he'd deal with it as it came and not try to jump to conclusions.

He took in a deep breath and let it out as he opened the bathroom door.

To his surprise and relief she was not in his bed anymore. He glanced over at the adjoining door and it was closed but not all the way. He was pleased by that, it was a good sign in his opinion, telling him that he was invited in but she wanted some privacy too.

He thought about just starting to pack up his backpack but didn't want to not say good morning to her either. Pre sex and he would have acknowledged her for sure. They spent every morning together, planning out the day, why should this one be any different? They still had over a thousand miles to hike before they were done.

He tapped on the door as it slowly opened.

"Amber?" he called out, not getting a response. He stuck his head in and heard her shower on. He left the door more open than it was so that she would know that he had at least attempted to reach out to her.

He got dressed in a fresh pair of pants and a shirt from the package they had picked up the day before, feeling rejuvenated in the new clothes and then knelt down on the floor and began organizing his backpack.

Amber came out of the bathroom fully dressed, also in a fresh pair of pants and a new shirt from her package, feeling the same rejuvenated state that he had. She noticed right away that the door had been opened. She smiled over that, assuming he had come in looking for her, which was a good sign that he wasn't avoiding her.

She stood outside of it and bit her bottom lip anticipating the reunion. '_It's like a Band-Aid,'_ she thought, '_just rip it off and get it over with.'_

She opened the door and came into his room, seeing him kneeling down with his backpack up against the wall, filling the pockets.

"Good morning," she said to him.

Steve turned with a smile, "Hey, good morning."

They both noticed right away the new clothes on each other, having seen every single change of clothes the other had for weeks.

He stood up and held his hands out as if on display. "Doesn't it feel great to be in clean clothes?"

"Oh my god," Amber agreed, "Yes!" she too held her arms out and twirled around and then posed with one hand on her hip and the other behind her head. "I'm in heaven in these new digs."

"Looking sharp," Steve complimented. '_Ok, so far this is pretty normal interaction,'_ he thought happily.

"So what's the plan today?" she asked. '_So far so good,_' she thought as she came toward him, noticing he hadn't shaved, wondering if the beard was coming back?

"We have to be out of here by eleven," he said. "I thought we could grab a good breakfast someplace on our way back to the trail and just go as far as we can today and not necessarily make a goal. Who knows if we'll get a ride back to the starting point."

Amber sat down on the bed, "Oh yea, that fricking seven mile road. Maybe we can Uber it?" she said hopeful, still feeling the hangover from the night before, wondering if he was too but she didn't want to broach that subject, which might then lead to the other they were both obviously avoiding.

"Nope," he replied. "I already checked, they don't have Uber here. Towns too small I guess."

"Damn," Amber sighed. "I really don't want to make that walk back."

"Me either."

She stood up and went to her room, talking as she did, her voice getting louder as the distance between them grew. "I better get my stuff packed up so we can get out of here. I'd rather get an early start than a later one if we have to walk that road."

He sat back on his heels and let out a sigh of relief. That had gone even better than he had anticipated. Yet the smile on his face faded as a hint of disappointment washed over him as well. What they had experienced was incredibly nourishing to him, yet they were going to just let it lie and become what it was shaping up to be; incredible sex without an afterthought.

He had dodged the bullet, but somehow that felt wrong like what they had done was wrong, he didn't feel that way now that morning had come. He'd made his peace with his guilt over Catherine that morning; lying next to Amber and thinking that if it were he who had died and not Cat. How would he feel about her lying next to a man? His first reaction was painful of course, but he didn't feel betrayal or resentment, not wanting her to be alone at such a young age. Life was too short to spend it living alone and grieving over him. He would have wanted her to move on and not use his ghost as a reason for not living life. He felt strongly that she too would want that for him.

It was easy to see it for her, but living it on his end was not so easy to accept. It helped alleviate some of the guilt he'd felt in his betrayal to her but still left him with equally strong feelings that he was not by any means ready to move on to a relationship that would require him to be there emotionally as he was for Catherine. It just wasn't in him.

Amber came in her room and stood out of sight of him and bent over, bracing her hands on her knees, feeling slightly overwhelmed that it had gone so well.

She stood back up with a smile and began to gather her things off the bed to organize it, seeing the tan dress that she had worn the night before lying there. The image of him opening it up and putting his hands on her came flashing back. Her body reacted the same as it had the night before as the true-life fantasy played out in her head. She wanted him again, feeling it from the inside out.

"No!" she whispered loudly, "Get it out of your head!"

"What?" Steve said from the other room, hearing her mumbling.

"Nothing," she called out. "Just talking to myself."

"Well if you start answering yourself back, please let me know so I can drop you at the closest psych ward?"

She laughed over his sense of humor that was one of his best qualities, ranking sex up there too now.

'_Just let it lie_,' she scolded herself over that last thought. '_You have too good of a thing going with him to ruin it. It happened and now its over.' _She tossed the dress over on a chair.

….

Less than an hour later they were ready to go.

Amber hoisted her backpack over her shoulder and groaned, feeling stiff and soar in places she hadn't expected. It dawned on her then where the new pains were coming from, blushing slightly over it as her mind wandered to the event and the wonderful feel of him inside of her.

'_You're going to torture yourself,'_ she scolded. _'But then again,' _she argued_, 'it was the best sex of your life, how can you just let it go and not think about it?"_ she rolled her eyes, '_Impossible.'_

She saw him standing at the door with his pack on and it was like they had reverted right back to the day before when nothing was out of the ordinary. She didn't feel any kind of awkwardness whatsoever. She was going to leave this room though with a good memory. They had been there for each other, just like they had been for the past couple of months. Why did this have to mean everything? It didn't, she decided. He seemed happier too she thought, pleased that whatever she had given him was just as helpful.

"You ready?" she asked.  
"Yep. I'm starving."

"Me too, let's go put our PCT names to use and pig out."

Steve laughed, "Whatever you say, Piglet."

He came in her room as she walked past him to the door.

"Hey," he pointed to the piece of clothing lying on the chair in the corner of the room, "You forgot something on that chair."

Amber glanced back at it, knowing that it was the dress from the night before, "Oh, right. My dress. I just bought it for last night. It was only like ten bucks. I don't have room for it and I knew I was going to have to leave it here anyway. So…it's fine. Let's go."

He looked back over at it but followed her out the door anyway and to the elevator, leaving it behind.

Once in the lobby, Steve stopped as Amber set her room key on the counter where they had checked in.

"Oh shit," he said. "I forgot I left one of my new shirts hanging on the back of the bathroom door. I'll be right back," he walked quickly back to the elevator that was still open.

He came back in his room and went straight into Amber's, wiggling out of his backpack and set it on the floor by her bed.

He picked up the dress from the chair and held it up, smiling over the memory of her in it. He waded it up as tightly as he could and tucked it in one of the back pouches, shoving it all the way to the bottom.

He didn't know why he felt the need to go back for it, but he was glad he had. He understood why she had to leave it, not holding it against her. He never really considered himself a sentimental person, but leaving it behind just didn't seem right to him. Not even sure what he would do with it, but he just felt like he had to have it. She might have only paid ten bucks for it, but to him it was worth too much to just throw away.

…

Amber climbed out of the backseat of the Ford Explorer following Steve around to the back as the woman clicked the button by the driver's side door and unlatched the back.

Steve pulled out Amber's backpack and then his own, closing it again.

They both went up to the passenger side window and thanked the woman for a third time for the ride back to the trailhead.

She waved and closed the window as she drove off.

"Nicely done," Steve raised his hand up to Amber's as she happily slapped her palm against his.

"I can't believe I did that but it was well worth it."

"You are my hero," he declared, speaking of her brave move in the restaurant as they were leaving.

As he was paying the bill she had boldly turned and announced that they were hoping to get a ride to the trailhead if anyone was headed in that direction. No one volunteered at first until the waitress that had waited on them spoke up and said that she would if they were willing to wait another fifteen minutes until she was off.

"Good thing we left her a good tip," Amber, added, "I think that persuaded her."

"I did not want to walk that road."

"Me either," she agreed, hoisting her pack on her back as Steve helped by grabbing the side, making it a little easier.

"Are we ready," he asked, standing next to the PCT emblem post that showed where the trail picked up again.

"Follow the yellow brick road," Amber motioned in that direction.

Steve glanced at his watch as they started walking, "It's ten-forty-five, how about we skip stopping for lunch and just try and get as far as we can today?"

He heard Amber huff her disliking to that suggestion.

"I don't know about you, but I'm a little hungover today."

It had really been the first mention of the night before. At breakfast they had talked about simple things like the town, or his Dads car that he had been working on, but the night before hadn't been brought up, until now.

Steve glanced over his shoulder at her, "I feel pretty good actually. I woke up with a little headache but it went away after the shower."

"What can I say, I can't hold my liquor. But I can tell you that I'm going to want to stop for lunch today."

"Ok, that's fine, you set the pace today. How's that?"

"Thank you."

She walked next to him but fell behind as the path narrowed. There was a little snow on the ground in patches where it was shady from the tall pine trees but the trail was relatively dry and the sun was shining, which was a plus to the both of them. They'd had to walk in mud before and it was hell.

The air was crisp but not too cold. They had both dressed in layers and would soon be peeling off the first one after their body started heating up from the exercise.

Amber's eyes moved from the trail up to him as she walked, wondering if he was thinking about the night before or if he had any kind of opinion on it at all. They had fallen right back in step with their partnership but she began to feel the nagging urge to just bluntly ask him how he felt about it, but as time went on she felt the opportunity was becoming out of reach and would only make it more awkward.

Steve took a swig of his water bottle and clipped it back on its designated spot. He wasn't hungover but he was dehydrated more than usual, not sure if that was from the alcohol or from the workout the night before, recalling the sweat on her and on him. The memory of it began to show signs inside of his shorts as he quickly tried to divert his attention elsewhere. The problem that had mentally worried him was obviously cured.

'_Don't think about her like that,'_ he scolded himself. _'It was a one time thing that shouldn't have happened at all.'_ His lower body extremity argued with his conscience over that, recalling once again how good she felt and forcing the question that at what time during it did he regret the action?

Not once, he admitted shamefully.

'_Catherine,'_ he thought sadly, feeling once again the dishonor over doing what he had so soon after losing her. She was his wife. The one he had always been faithful too, not able to shake the feeling that he had been unfaithful to her with Amber. She might have been dead to everyone else, but to him she was still very much alive in his heart and always would be. They had been through too much together for him to replace her with someone else.

Yet he cared for Amber more than he thought he did, or even wanted to. They had shared something that went beyond just the act of sex and he would be forever grateful to her for that. He hoped she felt the same, but was beginning to realize that he may never know.

…

By the end of the week they had averaged more than twenty-five miles a day, which pleased the both of them considering their physical condition this far into the hike. They both had bruises, blisters and welts from their backpacks rubbing in the same place hour after hour, day after day.

Steve set up her tent that night while she made dinner, knowing she was exhausted.

"I think I'm going to be asleep as soon as my head hits that tiny little pillow," Amber said as she filled their food pouches with boiling water. "I would kill for that hotel bathtub right now."

Steve smiled as he squatted down in the dirt next to her. They had found a small clearing amongst the trees, and even though the sun was almost set, the forest was bright with a thin layer of snow on the ground. They both had their heavy jackets on by this time and Amber held the still hot empty pot between her gloved hands, warming them.

"I hope it doesn't snow tonight," she whined.

Steve looked up, "It's supposed to be clear but cold. You should wear your sweatshirt to bed."

"I'm wearing my jacket," she stated.

He made a small fire, only finding some twigs and a few dry pine needles, but it did the trick, warming them enough before bed.

They discussed the day's hike and the next one as well, knowing that they would be climbing higher in elevation and it was only going to get colder. The nearest town was over fifty miles away but they did get to look forward to another delivery when they reached it.

Amber ate her dinner but her mind was on earlier that morning when they had come across a group of five hikers whom she just couldn't shake from her thoughts. They stopped briefly as they all conversed. The group had recognized Steve and Amber from their new trail names in the logbook, thinking the choice was original and humorous. The strangers also mentioned they were averaging an impressive thirty-five miles a day; the one statement that Amber just couldn't get over.

"You know those people we ran into this morning," she said as she scooped up some noodles from her food pack.

"Yea," Steve replied, taking a bite of his own meal.

"I feel bad, because I think you could be doing thirty-five miles a day too if I wasn't holding you back?" She stirred around the food in the pouch and slowly looked over at him after not getting a reply, seeing that he was staring at her, or maybe it was more of an annoyed glare.

"Have you been thinking about that all day?" he asked.

Her eyes turned wide over his tone of voice. "I don't…I don't know, maybe…a little, yes."

He shook his head and huffed, "First off, who says I want to bust my ass doing thirty-five miles a day? And second we're partners, I told you back at the hotel that night that the only reason I think I'm still here was because of you. I was bored as hell until you came along, so don't feel bad for me." He took a bite of his meal, talking with his mouth full. "I don't feel bad for you that you are stuck with me and my annoying little habits," he added with a grin.

Amber let out a laugh over that last remark. "What annoying little habits?"

"I know I can be military sometimes in my ways around camp," he admitted, "and I know I keep my tent too clean, but I can't help it. It's just the way I am."

"Those aren't bad habits," she explained, "and I like that about you. It's rubbed off on me. I keep my tent clean now too."

"Oh god I'm so sorry," he joked. "It's a curse that rubbed off on you."

She chuckled over that but couldn't help but notice that he had mentioned that night, which neither had done since…well, since never. It was like it had never existed.

She looked over at him as he sat across from her reading the map that was next to him as he ate his dinner. He'd let his beard grow out again, but now that she'd seen both sides of him, she could still see the man under it that had startled her with his good looks when she'd walked in that bar. It made her wonder what her life would have been like if she had fallen in love with someone genuine like him rather than someone cruel and phony like the one she had chosen.

Steve was everything that Kevin wasn't. It made her think of her children, who were never, ever far from her thoughts, neither was the painful reminder that she was partly to blame for it all.

She glanced over at him again and thought what an amazing father he would have been to Adam and Ava, to any child, remembering him telling her that his wife was pregnant when the car hit her. He had lost a child too, maybe not in the same heartbreaking way as she had, but nonetheless it was still a horrible loss that he was grieving, the same as she.

He pointed at the map just then and was telling her about the elevation they still had to overcome, breaking up her thoughts as she listened to him describe what was coming up. She knew it was going to be difficult, but he somehow made it sound like it was just a walk in the park, probably not wanting to discourage her. He was more into inspiring people, which made him a good leader and why others followed his lead.

She set down her food and took a drink of water, looking at the map, but she wasn't looking at the place they would be hiking the next day, she was focused on the Canadian border, feeling a terrible dread over that. She looked up at his face and felt it twice fold. The thought of going back home after the hike and finding a dingy little apartment to live in and starting over from scratch was gut wrenching. She hated that town, but it had been her home and she had no place else to go.

She wondered then what Steve would think if she moved to Hawaii and started her new life there? But she also wondered then if that idea was for her or more because of him?

She had come to rely on him in so many ways, but that was grossly unfair of her to assume he felt the same about her. He actually did have a life to go back to, and friends. He didn't need her and she thought she better get over whatever it was she was feeling because in the end she was alone, and told herself it was easier that way. It was safer too.

Steve folded the map up and finished off his dinner. He assumed she was extra tired because she wasn't really interested in what he had to say about the next days travels, deciding to just go over it with her in the morning when she was more alert.

He was worried a little about the next fifty miles. They would be traveling in much higher elevations and the snow was the least of his worries. He was more concerned with Amber's ability to deal with the oxygen level that could wear you down so much faster than where they were at now. They would have to take it slow, hoping the weather held out for them.

He looked over as she put away the stove and picked up the trash from their meal. She wasn't as strong as Catherine he thought, but she also didn't have Cat's life experience nor her naval training he quickly defended; even so, he had no complaints about Amber Scott. She pulled her own weight and never complained.

Out of the nowhere the naked image of her beneath him flashed before his eyes, recalling one particular moment when he looked down at her while they were in the throws of it and how incredibly sexy she looked. She was clearly enjoying him as much as he was her. It just made him want her all the more that night, recalling the intense climax as he sat there watching her.

He turned away feeling himself getting hard just over the thought of it, quickly rising to his feet and walking off into the forest, not having to give an explanation of where he was going. They knew each other's routine well enough that she would think he was just going to go use the bathroom.

"Holy shit," he mumbled and then laughed briefly, gripping his crotch as he walked. "You couldn't get a hard on before and now it's like your fifteen again. Knock it off!"

He walked a couple of hundred feet out until he was far enough away from the camp and the problem in his pants dissipated.

Up ahead he could see where the mountain they were on descended down into the valley where they had camped the night before. The sun was just setting across from it and the light shone through the trees on the other side in brightly lit colored streams. It was beautiful, maybe the most beautiful view he'd seen yet on the hike.

He walked toward it, mesmerized by the natural beauty. He put a hand on a tree for leverage as he neared the edge of a steep slope, looking across the valley at the setting sun.

'_Amber should see this,_' he thought, '_wishing she were there next to him to experience it too.'_

The view suddenly became null in void as that last thought startled him. For the first time he wished for Amber to be there and not Catherine. What did that mean? Did it mean anything? He tried to decipher that thought, turn it over this way and that, making excuses for it.

He loved his wife, it was bad enough he had betrayed her memory by sleeping with Amber, but now he was replacing her with private moments as well. The change that was happening didn't sit well with him, not angry with Amber, but himself, feeling it was an incredible injustice to the precious life that he and Catherine had shared. What he had with Amber and what he had with his wife were miles apart, yet here he was putting her before Cat.

He tested himself, it may have seemed foolish but he had to clear his guilt, and pictured the two women next to each other.

A smile slowly grew on his lips, knowing without a doubt he would choose Catherine; picturing himself going to her without any regret.

It eased his conscience for now, seeing Amber as nothing more than a friend whom he could rely on, being careful not to confuse those feelings of loneliness into something that didn't exist.

His heart and devotion belonged to his wife, and always would.

He forwent the rest of the sunset and the reason he had left camp to begin with, making his way back.

Amber smiled at him as he came into sight, stirring the fire as the embers turned into flames again.

"The fire feels good," she said.

He looked at her for a moment, testing his feelings once again, but mistaking the tug of his heart as a sign that he missed his wife. "We should get to sleep," he replied, going past her to his tent. "We have a long day ahead of us."

She didn't think anything of it, taking his advice that was usually accurate. "Yea, you're probably right."

She stood up and kicked some snow onto of the flames as it hissed and smoked.

"Good night, Steve."

He sat outside his tent, removing his shoes, glancing over in her direction. "Good night, Amber. Sleep well."

"You too, stay warm."

It was going to be a cold night and he might have suggested they share a tent for warmth but after the earlier incident he decided against it. Not wanting to put himself in a position that might rekindle memories of that night again.

He crawled inside his own tent and zipped it up for the night.

….

More than three weeks past the infamous halfway mark and they were almost through the Mount Shasta area and headed for Etna Summit. The Oregon border was nearing and they were both excited to get there, leaving behind the most treacherous, coldest and hardest part of the hike so far. Spring snowstorms slowed their time and the path vanished beneath the snow in several areas, and they had to rely on Steve's watch that held a GPS to pick it up again. But once the weather turned and blocked the satellite communication, the only available item on the fancy watch was a simple compass.

...

Amber slipped on the snowy trail they were currently hiking that was on a steep slope. She dug her hiking pole into the ground like he had taught her, catching herself at the last second before she fell.

"You ok?" he asked, glancing back at her.

"Yea, I'm good."

The fog had rolled in over them so what could have been an incredible view for miles and miles was reduced to about thirty feet of the mountain in both directions, vertically and horizontally.

She glanced at her watch and couldn't believe it was only one o'clock, guessing it was much later. This part they were currently on was particularly slow and difficult to maneuver and the rise in elevation just over the past couple of hours was making it even harder to breathe which was hindering her energy.

She felt something hit her face and looked up, seeing hundreds of snowflakes appear out of the fog as it began to snow heavily.

"Shit," Steve mumbled under his breath, glancing back at her again. The pink hat she had on was already covered with flakes that were sticking from the temperature that was below freezing. He looked at his watch and it had indeed dropped two degrees in the last twenty minutes. The less than ideal conditions were worsening and he didn't like her being behind him like that anymore, afraid she would slip and fearing he could easily lose her in the dense fog.

"What are you thinking?" she asked, seeing his mind working even though he hadn't said a word.

"I'm thinking we need to get off this slope and set up camp for the night."

She felt a little alarmed over that considering how early in the day it was.

"Do you think it's going to get worse?"

"I don't want to risk it. What do you think?"

She looked up at the sky, noticing the snowflakes that had been coming straight down now were coming at an angle, feeling the slight breeze that was blowing them that way. She looked back over at Steve and nodded, "I think you're right. I don't want to get caught in a blizzard unprepared."

He was pleased over her willingness not to argue and wiggled out of his backpack, setting it in the snow.

She looked past him to the trail that disappeared into the fog, giving them no distance or guidance. "How much further is it on this slope do you think?"

"I don't know. Not far I hope."

She watched him pull out a thin rope from one of the slots in his backpack and tie it around his waist; he carefully made his way over to her and she lifted her arms, knowing what he had in mind. He wrapped it around hers as well and tied it securely. It made her a little nervous, this extra security he was enforcing.

He saw the uneasy expression on her face and smiled. "I don't want you going for a joyride, so no funny stuff," he joked.

His beard had snow on it but she could see his eyes that didn't hold a bit of the concern that she felt.

"Just a walk in the park?" she said to him.

"Exactly," he smiled.

There was enough slack between them but she kept as close to him as possible, following his footsteps, literally.

They walked slowly and cautiously for about another ten minutes as the snow kept falling harder and becoming denser. The visibility went from twenty feet to ten and Amber's heart was beating ferociously but she was beyond relieved that Steve was there with her, not even being able to comprehend being on this slope alone.

The ground was already covered with a fresh blanket of snow and the trail path ahead of them was quickly disappearing under it.

She used her hiking poles now with every step, planting them securely each time and using them as leverage against the hill.

Steve looked up, hearing something unusual above them, wondering if it was the wind hitting the side of the mountain when all at once out of the fog he saw what the noise was coming from…his worse nightmare.

"Amber!" he screamed out. "Hold on to the rope!"

But his words were too late as the knee deep river of snow coming down the slope hit them seconds later.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Merry Christmas everyone! Thanks for reading!**_

**Chapter Twelve**

Steve dug his spiked shoes into the side of the mountain and leaned his body into the falling snow. He held the rope feeling it pull taught from Amber's body that was at the end of it.

His heart raced like a freight train, praying that he could hold his position as the snow began to pile up behind him and over top of her.

It was over within seconds of it starting but it felt like an eternity as he watched her body disappear beneath the blanket of wet powder.

He tried to get to her but his body was buried up to his chest, digging frantically with his hands to clear a path so he could get his legs out, all the while shouting her name.

He finally managed to get one leg free and fell forward, laying on top of the snow as he swam and clawed his way down to her, knowing she couldn't be more than ten feet, the length of the rope, hoping to god she was still attached.

He pulled on it and felt a tug and then saw the bottom of one of her shoes sticking out.

He dug there, tearing through the snow as fast as he could, telling her he was coming and to hold on.

He pushed the snow away from her legs as she lay face down and grabbed her by the knees, pulling her back until he could reach her backpack. He grabbed onto it and leaned back; using every bit of strength he had and lifted her out of hole, falling backward as he did and whipped her body to the side as she came to lay next to him.

Her hat was missing, and even with her face covered in snow he could still see the terrified expression on her face from the ordeal. She tried to speak but was frozen with fear and chill.

He moved over her and pulled her up close to him, hugging her tightly as he heard her gasp and then start to cry.

"It's ok," he reassured her, his own voice stressing the fear of almost losing her. "I got you. We're good. We're good."

She clung to him with both hands and tried to catch her breath as he pulled one of his gloves off with his teeth and then used his bare hand to get the other one off, taking her face in his warm hands, removing the wet snow from her cheeks and forehead.

"Are you alright?! Are you hurt?"

She gasped, still unable to speak but shook her head.

He hugged her again and looked up the mountain fearing another one.

"We have to move, Amber. Can you walk?"

She nodded, feeling the worst of the fear begin to calm but she was still shaking uncontrollably.

He put his gloves back on and tucked her poles that were laying on the snow in the side of his pack and helped her up, gripping onto the back of her pack as he began to guide her up to where the trail had once been when she reached back. "My hat," knowing she would need it in this temperature.

"Leave it!" he said, not having the time to dig it out, taking his off and putting it on her head.

The snow had continued to fall and he began to feel a real urgency to find shelter for the night because they were both covered in wet snow and it would soon begin to freeze on them as the temperature dropped.

They made their way back up to the trail and she held on to him this time instead of the rope as he made a path through the knee-deep powder, hoping they could find level ground soon.

They both kept an eye on the terrain above them and listened closely for the dreadful sound that was far to familiar to both of them now.

"I see trees," Amber pointed ahead, her voice and hand still trembling.

…..

Steve slipped the pole in through the slot on his tent as it formed the shelter. He didn't bother staking it in like he did most days, too eager to get it up and get Amber warm. She sat huddled against a tree shivering cold. The snow on her jacket had turned to bits of ice and her hair, despite his cap was wet and beginning to freeze as well.

He tossed both of their backpacks into the tent and went over to her.

She reached up for his hand but he forwent it and took her under both arms, lifting her up, hearing the crackle of the ice that had formed on her wet clothes just from that small bit of time she had been sitting there. He practically carried her to the tent, feeling her shivering next to him.

Once inside he went for his pack and pulled out the portable stove, quickly setting it up and getting a flame going to heat up the inside. He took the bowl used to boil water and filled it from his own water bottle and set it on top, needing to warm her up from the inside as well.

"I'm going to put your tent over top of this one for some extra insulation," he said. "Get out of those wet clothes and put something dry on. There's a hand towel in the back slot of my pack. Get it out and dry your hair the best you can, ok?"

She nodded and took his hat she'd been wearing and handed it to him. "Put this on," she shivered.

He took it from her and slipped it on his head as he went out, zipping up the tent as he did.

She could hear him outside, shaking out her tent as she removed her gloves, warming them up to the flame of the stove. The warm air against the frigid cold of her hands hurt at first but then felt good. She moved her fingers in and out getting the circulation going when she remembered his orders.

She slipped out of her jacket and went to her back and pulled out a sweatshirt and put it on, instantly feeling the warmth from it.

She looked up as he opened the top flap on the tent halfway, for ventilation she assumed, and then laid her tent over top of his. Seconds later she could hear him pounding the spikes in the ground to hold it in place.

She crawled over to his backpack and set it up, opening the back flap as he had instructed and reached her hand in all the way to the bottom, feeling the towel beneath something else that felt silkier, pulling them both out.

She sat back on her heels and stared down in shock, not at the towel, but at the tan dress she had left in the hotel.

"He went back for it," she whispered, recalling him saying he had left something behind. "He actually went back for it." Her mind was reeling over that fact when she heard him unzipping the tent. She quickly shoved it back inside and moved away, holding the towel.

"You doing ok?" he said as he came in shaking the snow off of him.

"Yes," was all she could say, still in shock over her discovery.

He took off his gloves and warmed his hands by the stove, checking the water that was just about to boil. He used one of his gloves as a hot pad and poured the warm liquid in a cup and handed it to her.

"Here, drink this."

She smiled and took the cup, deciding not to say anything about the dress. He obviously didn't want her to know he had it, so she let him keep his secret, but was incredibly flattered by it.

"I'm sorry," he said out of the blue.

Amber's eyes narrowed in confusion, "Sorry for what?"

"For talking to you like a drill sergeant and barking orders at you," he replied, pouring some more water in the bowl for their dinner, using a deep voice, "Do this, do that, drink this." he looked over at her sheepishly. "Sometimes I can get a little overbearing and pushy with my orders. Another Navy curse."

Amber reached over and put a hand on his arm, "I couldn't move under that snow. I was trapped; I couldn't move a muscle with that pack on me. If you weren't there I would have…" she felt the fear of how close she actually came to dying, "I would have suffocated."

He watched her expression turn from fear to a different type of fear as tears welled in her eyes.

"I don't want to die," she said almost painfully. "I don't want…" she bent her head and put a hand over her mouth to muffle the cry.

He knew the tears had nothing to do with the fear from the avalanche; it had to do with her frame of mind when he had met her. She was close to suicide and he understood why, but was thrilled that she was now fighting for the same life that she wanted to end. Maybe that avalanche wasn't such a bad thing after all he thought.

He sat down next to her and put an arm around her, "You would have dug and clawed your way out of it Amber Scott, the same as you have this past year, and you would have made it out alive, the same as you have this past year. You're stronger than you think. Don't ever forget that."

She leaned into him and sniffed, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "You're cold," she said, leaning back and seeing ice crystals on his beard.

"Well that's brutally honest," he teased.

Amber smiled and rolled her eyes at his sense of humor as she sat up. She took the towel and poured some of the warm water on it and then put it up to his face, running it over his whiskers.

He felt the warmth from it as goose bumps rose up on his arms. It felt better than it should have.

"It's getting long again," she said of the beard, looking up at him as he stared at her. She felt the impact of it all the way to her core, wishing they were back in that hotel room again.

"I watched that snow cover you," he began, "and I…" he shook his head, reliving the nightmare, "I don't panic," he said quietly, "I never panic, but I did then. I panicked when I lost sight of you."

She heard the sincerity in voice, it was undeniable and the way he looked at her was even more genuine. She felt what she did that night, unable to deny herself the pleasure of his kiss as she slowly leaned into him.

He wanted it but this time unlike the last one, he wasn't intoxicated and he wasn't dwelling over some dreadful male ordeal. He was stone cold sober and the person that had been furthest from his mind the last time he had kissed her was very present this time.

"Amber," he said, stopping her just before she reached his lips. "I can't." He turned his head away and then looked back at her again, needing her to understand why. "Its not that I don't want you too, I just can't. I feel like I'm betraying her. It's not an excuse," he pleaded helplessly, "I swear it. I just feel that way."

She saw in his eyes, and heard it in his voice that was always so honest with her, believing him wholeheartedly that it wasn't an excuse. And she did understood.

"I know." She put a hand on his chest. "I know and it's ok. I understand." She leaned back away from him and smiled. "In another life it might have been more simple, but neither of us can deny the other's feelings. We've come too far for that. We know too much about each other to do that. So believe me when I say, I do understand."

He felt relieved, and a little regretful too, his last encounter with Amber Scott was still fresh in his mind, but so was the guilt that hounded him.

She looked over hearing the sound of boiling water and was pleased for the distraction.

"We should turn that off and not waste it," she said, crawling over to the stove as he reached out and took her arm.

"Amber."

She turned seeing hesitation and regret in his eyes, as if telling her again he was sorry for the rejection, hoping it didn't change things between them.

She thought of the dress in his backpack and might have felt different about the rejection if it weren't for that, because after all the silence of that night, she knew now that it did mean something to him, regardless of the ghost that was preventing his pleasure from it.

"Steve," she grinned, "com'on, you may be gorgeous under that scruffy beard," she teased, "but believe it or not, I'm not going to cry myself to sleep."

He let out a laugh and she saw him blush slightly over her playfulness, which just made him all the more charming.

…

They ate dinner as the snowstorm continued outside. By nightfall there was already several inches on the ground. Once the stove was turned off he put the flap back on the tent but it did little to prevent the chill in the room as they lay in their sleeping bags close to one another, too awake to sleep and too cold to do anything else.

"I wish we could make a fire right here," Amber said with her hands wadded up in the sleeping bag that was tucked under her chin.

"A bonfire," Steve added.

"What if it doesn't stop snowing?" she asked nervously.

"It will. I think it's just a fluke spring storm. Tomorrow it could be seventy out."

"That's probably what the Donner Party thought too," she declared, speaking of the Oregon Trail party from the mid 1800's who had attempted a short cut across the California Sierras only to be caught in a snowstorm, some resorting to cannibalism to survive the winter.

Steve smiled, knowing the story, "I promise I won't eat you."

"If it will save your life," she joked, "then you have my permission."

"That's very kind of you," he chuckled.

Amber's expression became concerned again. "Seriously though, what if we are stuck out here?"

"Amber," he replied with a heavy sigh, not a hint of fear in his voice, "I'm an ex Navy Seal. I don't mean to toot my own horn but believe me when I say, with all of my survival training it would be an injustice to the whole institution if I died out here, let alone let you die as well."

She pulled the sleeping bag over her mouth and giggled over that, feeling relieved and decided that she was just being paranoid.

"You're very handy you know."

"I'm glad I'm not just a pretty face to you," he joked.

She giggled again, and tried to picture him at home and wondered if he were different there, or if he had changed as a person the same as she after their tragedies.

"You said you had a house on the beach," she said. "What's it like? Is it right on the beach?"

Steve smiled thinking of home. Unbeknownst to him it was the first time he had really done so since leaving it almost four month earlier.

"Well to give you a good picture, my backyard runs right into the water."

Her eyes got big over that, "Wow, nice. Have you lived there long?"

"It was my parent's house. I inherited it after they passed."

"And your sister doesn't like it there, right?" she asked, recalling another conversation about siblings but couldn't recall the exact details.

"Its not that she doesn't like it there, I just think Hawaii is too isolated for her. She's a wanderer."

"She's brave like her brother," Amber added.

Steve rolled his eyes, "She's reckless, a nomad."

"And that's bad…why?"

Steve shrugged inside of his sleeping bag. "I don't know, maybe because I can't keep tabs on her."

"Big Brother issues, not hers," Amber grinned.

"Have you been talking to her behind my back," he huffed. "That's pretty much how she describes it too."

"You just care about her."

"Yea," he moaned. He knew she had stepsisters and brothers but also knew she wasn't close to any of them, mainly from her ex slowly but surely cutting all ties with them. '_Another form of domestic abuse,'_ he thought. She never spoke of family, and if she did it was brief. Her kids had been her family and it saddened him and frightened him just a bit too that she had no one.

"Do you ever think about reaching out to your any of your siblings?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied somberly. "I'd have to explain everything," she looked over at him, "and I don't want to."

He nodded, understanding full well her reasoning behind that.

"Can I ask you something personal," she said. "If you don't want to talk about it, I get it, just say no."

He was intrigued, "Ok, what?"

Amber hesitated for a second, wondering if she were crossing the line, but was just too curious.

"What was she like, your wife, Catherine?"

It wasn't what he had expected her to ask.

She wasn't sure at first if he was going reciprocate her question, and then he surprised her.

"She was strong, smart and beautiful," he replied softly.

She liked that he had used those other two adjectives to describe her before mentioning her beauty; it just added to his genuineness.

"She was brave and fiercely independent," he added. "I loved that about her, but I also hated it too."

"She didn't have to rely on you," Amber declared, "or anyone else, did she?"

He shook his head, "Nope, and she didn't either." He had a look of disappointment over that.

"I'm sure that was hard for you. I see you as being the type of person who wants that in a relationship."

"I'm sure there were things about me that disappointed her. I'm not the most romantic guy in the world. That's for sure."

"Hmm," she contemplated that characteristic, thinking of her tan dress in his backpack. To her that was very romantic. "But I bet you're thoughtful."

"I don't know, I guess. She seemed to like me the way I was."

"Were you in the Navy together?"

"Yes, that's where we met, in Afghanistan."

"Were you her commander?"

"No," he chuckled, "I couldn't imagine being her commander. Geez, she would have cleaned the floor with me. She was too smart. She was Navy intelligence at the time and then I came on board afterward."

"She sounds like she was an amazing woman. You had so much respect for her."

"I still do," he said sadly. "It was wrong the way she died. It wasn't right. She had done so much for so many people. She deserved a long, happy life."

"I'm sorry she was taken from you so young."

It was easy to talk to her, he thought. She knew his feelings so well.

"I'm sorry that your children were taken so young from you as well."

Amber nodded with a mournful expression, "Its not natural for a parent to outlive their children. It's just not right."

He felt a wave of sadness and regret over his child that he would never know. He looked over at her. "I think about the baby I lost with Catherine. I kind of feel that too, not to say that my loss even comes close in comparison to yours," he quickly added, not wanting to tread on the death of her kids or the overwhelming grief she suffers because of it. But like always, Amber turned the table on his feelings.

"Don't say that, Steve. That's not true. You were a father that lost a baby. It doesn't matter how or when. That baby was yours and you were its father the second it was conceived. You have every right to grieve for it. You loved it didn't you?"

He'd never thought of it in that way before or with the word love, but the way she had so elegantly laid it out for him, it was heartwarming. "I loved Catherine, so yes I did love the baby too. I guess I just didn't know I was allowed to." he smiled over at her as his eyes misted over. "Thank you for that. You were a good mom. I didn't have to know you with them to know that you were."

She used the sleeping bag to wipe her eyes thinking of the therapist she had paid hundreds of dollars to, and had not given her even the slightest bit of relief as much as the person laying across from her now, hoping Steve felt the same way.

"I think I was too," she smiled. "Everyone says it's the hardest job in the world, but not to me. It was the best job and the most rewarding. And with my little Ava and Adam it was easy. They were great kids, thoughtful and kind. Ava was so smart." Her eyes lit up over her next words, "Do you know that she could read a book at four years old."

"No way," Steve said surprised, "At four?"

Amber nodded, "Yep. She couldn't read it word for word per say, but she knew words and could point them out from me reading it to her. And I only had to read it a few times," she quickly added. "She was so smart that way. She loved to read."

"What about Adam," he asked, seeing the glow on her face as she talked about her daughter. It felt good to talk about Catherine too.

"He was the best little boy. He liked to read too. I found them one time sitting on his bed next to each other with their backs against the wall and he was reading to her. She would ask questions and he was so patient answering them. It was the cutest thing I ever saw." Her eyes welled with tears. "I'll never forget that moment and how happy I was that they got along so well and how much they loved each other." She looked over at him in the dark, "They were together when they died. I don't picture the gruesome moment, but I see him teaching her how to hold her pole on the boat, or them holding hands as they float up to heaven. I know their safe now. And how can you not be happy in heaven," she added. "So I know they're happy."

Steve nodded, unable to speak for fear the words would come out inaudible due to his emotional state. He wiped away his tears on the collar of his shirt thinking to himself how lucky Adam and Ava were to have her as a mother.

"I remember how hard it was for me," he began, "after the accident and having to go through the investigation. I can't imagine how bad that must have been for you, under the circumstances of it."

"There was no real investigation," she replied. "Except for the one on me."

"What?!" Steve asked shocked over that. "On you? You were a suspect?"

"It's a small town," she explained. "He was well known and respected on the force. He committed murder and then suicide. Everyone was shocked and many blamed me, and still do even though the case was eventually closed."

He sat up on his elbow, feeling his emotions turn from sad to anger in the drop of a hat. "Blame you? What the fuck! Who are these people? And who's running that show that they would blame you?"

She shrugged, "I can barely remember most of it. I was in shock from it all. His partner Chris took the lead in it. I think he was just ashamed that he hadn't seen the signs that his partner was capable of something so horrible, god forbid," she huffed. "So he had to pass the blame on to someone, it couldn't be Kevin's fault. So he focused on the next best source, me."

"Oh god Amber, I'm so sorry." He lay back with his arm on his forehead trying to wrap his mind around what he'd just been told. "I can't believe they would treat you that way." He looked over at her. "Did they file charges against you?"

"No, but they took me in for questioning after the funerals. I think the funerals are what triggered a lot of the anger. I refused to have the children buried with him and I held separate funerals." She looked over at him. "I refused to go Kevin's. They didn't like that." she huffed. "It was like they wanted me to feel sorry for him or something. I didn't!" her voice becoming bitter. "I didn't even want a funeral for him and wouldn't pay for it. They forced me to with some law or something I don't know and when I started to plan the most insignificant funeral arrangements, well they took over. If it was up to me I would have had him cremated and flushed down the toilet."

Steve let out a small laugh over that. "That's revenge well served."

Amber put her hand over her mouth, "That was terrible to say."

"No it wasn't," he replied. "You deserve to feel angry. You might not always, but for now you have the right."

She smiled over at him. "I'll never forgive him, but I don't want to hate either, it's takes up too much energy. Maybe you're right, maybe someday I won't hate him anymore."

"Maybe."

"Do you hate the person that hit Catherine?"

"No. It was an accident. The woman who hit her had a crying baby in the backseat. She reached behind to try and get the bottle that had fallen and didn't see the stop sign," he sighed, "or Catherine."

Amber shook her head, "I've been in that position. I never hit anyone," she quickly added, "but I've had crying children in the car and its very distracting. Not that its an excuse for what happened."

Steve gave her an appeasing smile, "I know. I was angry, but I didn't focus it on the driver. She was heartbroken and inconsolable I heard at the scene. I think she was punished enough. She sent me a letter apologizing for it."

"Did you ever reach out to her?"

"Yes. I didn't want to see her in person so I sent her a text and told her I didn't hold any ill will against her and that it was a terrible accident. She replied with 'thank you' and again how sorry she was. I never replied and I've never heard from her again."

"That was brave and very decent of you to do."

"I can't take all the credit," he admitted, "Danny encouraged me to send it. He said it would help and it did. I felt better about that part of it."

"He's a good friend to you."

"He's like a brother."

"You're lucky."

"Don't you have any friends like that?" he knew her husband had kept her isolated but never realized just how much.

"No, not like that. I had acquaintances. But no one I could really call a true friend like Danny. They all left afterward too, so they never obviously felt that way about me either."

"Well you have one now," he smiled.

She felt good over that but wondered if that friendship could withstand the separation after the hike was over, or if he too would fade away into life.

Only time would tell.

….

The snow had stopped and the sun was out as Steve had predicted but it wasn't seventy degrees by any means.

Amber used her hiking poles to judge the depth of the snow as they followed the trail through the forest. She was careful not to fall in a tree well, reminding Steve as well, which he was grateful for, not thinking of that danger.

"Steve," she said, trailing behind him by more than a few steps, "can we stop for a minute. I'm just exhausted and I need to catch my breath."

He looked over his shoulder at her, "Yea that's fine. You feel ok?" he asked, sensing a different Amber that morning.

She plopped down in the snow, "Yes, I'm just tired. I don't think I slept as well as I thought last night." She wiggled out of her backpack to give her shoulders a rest as well. She laid back and rested her head on her pack, closing her eyes just for a second to rest.

He didn't sit, not feeling the altitude barrier that she was as he glanced at his watch, getting their GPS position. They had only been on the trail for about two hours and usually she was only one step behind, but today she was having a more difficult time keeping up. He attributed it to the snow and altitude.

"We only have about ten more miles to get to the campground. I think they have showers at this one too. That'll feel good," he said, glancing down at her.

He smiled, seeing clearly that she had not heard a word he'd said. Her mouth was slightly open and she was sound asleep.

"Geez," he said quietly, "you really are tired."

He didn't want to wake her if she was that tired, but he didn't want to sit there all day either.

He went over to her and squatted down, touching her on the leg. "Amber?" he gently shook her. "Amber?"

She opened her eyes and looked startled, "What? Huh, what's going on?"

"Nothing," Steve chuckled, "you fell asleep."

She sat up and looked around them as if lost. "I did? For how long?"

"Just a couple of minutes. You sure you're ok?"

"Yes," she reached her hand out as he took it, pulling her up with him. "Geez, I'm sorry. I can't believe I crashed like that. The last thing I remember I was just going to close my eyes for a second."

"We can cut out early today if you want," he offered, hoping she declined. He really wanted to make the campground on the map by nightfall, hoping they had hot showers.

"No," she shook her head, "I actually feel better." She picked up her pack and he helped her put it back on. "Let's go."

He led the way once again as she followed behind him, but she wasn't ok. Her mind was reeling over the fatigue that came on at a moments notice, having that happen to her only twice before in her life.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

"What mile are we at?" Amber asked Steve for the third time in the last hour.

He walked ahead of her and rolled his eyes, glancing at his watch. "1741," he replied.

It reminded him of the ole' cliché' of kids in the backseat of a long road trip asking if they were there yet, not that he had ever experienced that scenario before, but he had an idea of the annoyance for the parents.

He didn't voice his irritation to Amber, knowing she was anxious to get across the Oregon, California border. He was too, but she had been obsessed with it the past few days.

The trip through Mount Shasta and Etna Summit had proved to be exhausting. The late snowstorm had slowed them down. Amber struggled daily with fatigue but she didn't seem like she was sick. He attributed it to the high altitude. It affected people in different ways, although it was funny that it never bothered her over the Sierra's and they were higher in elevation then. But that was earlier on in the hike when they both had more energy and less bumps and bruises.

It wasn't her fault though for their loss of time; he was just as much to blame. After the frightening ordeal of the avalanche, which still sent shivers down his spine, he was more cautious, staying away from open areas and kept them in the trees. He veered from the map a couple of times, but it gave him peace of mind.

"How will we know when we're there?" Amber asked. "Maybe we already passed it."

"I'm sure they'll be fireworks and a live band," he sighed, not meaning for it to sound as sarcastic as she was about to take it.

She looked up from the trail at his back over the remark. "Excuse me, I won't ask again."

He stopped ahead of her and took his watch off, "Here," he said, handing it out to her. "You take it."

"It takes you what," she glared at him, "three seconds to look at it. I didn't know it was such a bother. Like you are SO busy right now that you can't take three seconds to glance at your watch!"

"We've been walking at the same pace for two days, do the math," he fired back.

She was more than appalled by that last remark, finding it completely unnecessary. "Oh I've done the math," her voice stressed her anger. "You plus your impatient attitude equals asshole!" she held up her middle finger to him as she walked past him.

He was just as shocked and now pissed over her attitude that turned on him, for no reason he felt.

"Me?" he countered, following behind her now as she stomped ahead of him. "What did I do?! I took the three seconds every FIVE seconds and looked at my watch, just you like you asked, and now I'm getting the finger for it?!"

She didn't reply but just kept walking at a faster than normal pace.

His mind was reeling over the outburst that just seemed to come out of nowhere. He didn't know why she was all of a sudden so pissed at him. _'I didn't do anything_,' he told himself, '_she's being irrational and grumpy for no reason.'_

The solution to that puzzle suddenly dawned on him. He did his own math, counting back the days and then weeks, trying to determine her menstrual cycle.

He'd lived with Catherine long enough to pick up on clues of when her time of the month had arrived, the most obvious was that they didn't have sex, but sometimes he could sense her mood change. She would become short with him, but he never called her on it because it wasn't something she could help he decided, and just bit his tongue, but with Amber…he thought stubbornly, she had clearly crossed the line. It had been a couple of months since he'd seen any sign of her having her period, but even then it was only because he saw the evidence in her hand as she walked off into the forest.

She had never acted differently wondering why now was different. Maybe it was because she had been on her best behavior and now that they had got to know each other better, maybe this was her normal behavior, taking note of the date to prepare himself for next time.

She glanced over her shoulder at him as he followed behind her by a few paces, feeling slightly bad by her last outburst. The finger and name calling wasn't necessary but she was under a lot of duress at the moment, anxious to get to a town. She needed a drug store and peace of mind from the devastating thought that seemed to constantly be floating through her head.

She didn't feel any of the signs of being pregnant except for the fatigue, but hell, that could easily be answered by the fact that she was on one of the most strenuous hikes in the world, who wouldn't be fatigued? She had finished her last period just days before they had slept together, she was late now by a few days but that could also be related to the hike.

Her other theory that was keeping her calm was that she'd had a very bad delivery with Ava which ended up an emergency C-section. She'd suffered scar tissue around her uterus and was told it might be more difficult to conceive again. She and Kevin had tried for a couple of years but with false alarms. She wasn't sad for it by any means, not wanting another child with him.

'_You're not pregnant_,' she told herself again. '_You're just stressing yourself out which is going to cause your period to be delayed even more if you don't knock it off.' _

All of that bottled up anxiety was beginning to fall on Steve's shoulders as well, she thought remorsefully.

She slowed down but didn't turn around as she spoke to him. "I'm sorry for calling you an asshole and for the whole finger thing."

He was pleasantly surprised by the apology, "It's ok," he replied, "I understand."

She was going to just let it go but his last statement made her a little curious. "What do you mean, you understand?"

"You know," he said sheepishly.

Amber stopped and turned to him, "No, not really."

Steve smiled shyly and shrugged, "I mean…well you know. I understand the symptoms that go along with it, so its fine. I get it."

The expression on her face changed from curious to dislike in the snap of a finger, telling him once again he had obviously done something unpleasant, wishing now he would have just kept his mouth shut.

"Oh! I see," she glared at him. "I must be on my period. Or is it on the rag!" she used quotation marks to express the last statement.

"I've never used that phrase before!" he quickly defended.

"Well aren't you a gentleman," she said sarcastically.

"What?" he held his hands out. "What did I do now?"

"You know exactly what you did. A woman can't have a bad day without a man assuming she's having her period, BUT a man can be a cranky prick anytime he wants and its perfectly justified!"

"When have I been a cranky prick?" he asked, his mind reeling once again over the backlash that came out of nowhere.

"Never mind!" she huffed, "You don't get what I'm saying and you never will."

"You're not making any sense, Amber," he pleaded. "I don't know why you're so mad at me."

"Just never mind, let's go." She turned and started walking again.

He stared at her back as he followed her, trying desperately to backtrack his steps and see where he had gone wrong. It had something to do with the watch incident, which was all he could come up with. '_Maybe I was a little too harsh with her over that,'_ he thought, _'but she asked me what time it was fifty times,'_ he exaggerated. He too was tired and feeling more than a little irritable, especially now after the quarrel. He'd never seen this side of her before, assuming she was in fact not on her period, or perhaps his intuition was correct and it did indeed explain her mood, either way it didn't matter anymore because he was not about to step on that line again. On the contrary, he was going to stay as far away from it as possible.

'_Cranky prick_?' he thought irritably, feeling unjustified by that remark. _'I've bent over backwards to accommodate her on more than one occasion! Am I being a selfish prick when I tear the tents down when its cold so you can sit by the warm stove? No! Or how about when I started hiking with you in the first place. I'd be done by now if I didn't have to wait for you! I dug you out of the snow too.'_

That last remark came out of anger and frustration and he felt it wasn't justified to the argument he was trying to defend himself with. Of all the most traumatic days on the trail rolled into one, that had been his most terrifying, hers too he was sure.

Maybe the argument was neither of their faults, he thought? Maybe it was just the weariness of the hike that was getting the better of them. They were together 24/7 for months now, and it was easy to lash out at each other since there was literally no one else around. It reminded him of another argument from his past over something just as trivial. The last quarrel he had with Catherine over the bread she had bought. It was really nothing but he pursued it until it grew into an argument that eventually cost him dearly.

The anger settled inside of him and he deiced to just let her be, fearing he would say something that might drive her away, recalling that it was he who had pursued her to begin with. They didn't just stumble across each other. He had a mission to see her through the PCT. Not remembering what his motivation was now for it either, guilt perhaps. The reason for it hadn't crossed his mind in some time. She wasn't a challenge like he had first thought she would be by any means. She turned into a friend and his mind drifted back to the hotel and what she had been to him that night. It made him mindful off all the things she had unselfishly done for him as well.

They were just going through a phase, he told himself. It would pass.

Amber breathed hard as she made her way down the damp trail, avoiding muddy patches from the melted snow. The air was crisp and cold, but she was steaming hot under her base layer of clothes.

'_Typical man,'_ she thought angrily, _'always assuming we must be PMS'ing! No other excuse in the world for our behavior._' She jumped over a puddle and grabbed a tree limb hanging down for support as she landed on the other side. Her foot came down in a soft spot of mud and came out from underneath her. She held tight to the branch and squealed, knowing she was going to fall. She braced for the impact but it never came, feeling his arms come under hers and catch her just inches from the muddy ground.

He didn't say anything to her but just lifted her back up onto her feet.

She got her footing and glanced over her shoulder at him, "Thank you," she said quick and to the point.

He didn't reply to what he felt was a snippy remark, walking past her and taking the lead. He felt his good deed was not appreciated, wishing now he'd let her fall on her butt. Next time he would.

She adjusted her backpack and continued on, watching him as he made his way down the trail.

She left her anger back by that muddy patch, considering his ability to 'catch her when she's falling'. He could trademark that slogan when it came to her. He was very good at it.

She'd often wished for him to be the type of man that Adam and Ava could have looked up to. He would be an incredible roll model for any child, considering then the one she may be carrying at that moment, but the pleasant thought quickly turned on her. The thought of being pregnant after what she'd gone through the past year was terrifying on its own, but if it were indeed true that she was pregnant, how would she ever tell him? She cringed at just the thought of it. Finding the words would be impossible, but what worried her most would be his reaction, having really no idea what he would do, or say.

'_Stop!'_ she scolded herself for the hundredth time over these thoughts. '_You are not pregnant!_ _The chances of it are so slim that you are just making yourself crazy over something that doesn't exist. Now Stop!'_

"There it is."

She heard Steve's voice as she looked up, seeing the tall wooden pole with the PCT emblem at the top and the familiar metal box at the base that held one of the logbooks that they had filled out over the course of the trail.

Amber smiled as she approached it. "I'm a little disappointed."

"Why?" Steve asked as she went past him.

"No fireworks and no band," she joked.

He didn't reply but she heard his muffled chuckle over that statement.

"What should we say in the log?" she asked, opening up the metal box and taking out the notebook and one of the many pens inside of it.

"Finally here?" he suggested in a tone that added to her joke of their arrival that was now directed at her.

She too quietly chuckled over his mocking having to do with their earlier argument.

She started writing as he held back, looking around. They were still in the woods but could just make out the tip of Mount Shasta behind them and knew that they had some equally difficult mountains ahead of them once they reached the Cascades, but he was actually looking forward to it. They had passed some incredible views and experienced so many ideal and not so ideal conditions, but from everything he had read, Oregon was the most beautiful of the entire hike. They were both looking forward to seeing Crater Lake.

He walked over to her and glanced over her shoulder to see what she had written. He got through the first sentence and smiled.

_Pig Pen and Piglet have lived up to their trail names, and are overjoyed to be in Oregon. So far so good. Had late snow in Etna and Siskiyou pass. Beware of small avalanches. The good thing is there is lots of water available. Good Luck and happy trails. _

She turned her head as he read it over her shoulder. "Do you want to add anything?"

"Nope, that looks good."

She closed it up and put it back in the metal box and made sure it was sealed correctly.

Steve stood off to the side waiting, neither one saying a word to the other.

"Ready?" he said as she adjusted the pack on her back.

"Yep. You lead."

"We have about ten miles to that campsite, or about eighteen to Green Springs where those cabins are. What do you think?"

The ten miles of course sounded ideal, but she knew Green Springs would have a store where she might be able to pick up a pregnancy test and put this silly notion to rest for good.

"What the hell, Green Springs."

Steve agreed, thinking for sure she would say the shorter one. He glanced down at his watch. "Ok. So we should get there then around five or six," he added.

She took the ETA as an implication that he was giving her a definite time to avoid another argument. "Don't worry, I have no intention of asking you how much further."

"I was just saying," he quickly defended, but it was exactly the reason he'd given her a time.

"Uh huh," she huffed, using her hand to tell him to lead the way.

'_I can't win today,_' he thought irritably. '_Just keep your mouth shut and don't give her any ammunition.' _

…..

They made it to Green Springs a little before six.

As they walked up the wooden steps of the main cabin to check in Steve pointed at his watch. "What'd I say, almost on the dot, six o'clock."

"It wasn't that hard to figure out," she replied. "I did the math after all."

He rolled his eyes as he slipped his backpack off his shoulders. _'I hope she wants separate cabins?'_

They went inside the quaint little cabin that held a restaurant out toward the back, both of them more interested in that than the cabin at that moment.

Steve nudged her arm; "I see a big juicy burger in my future."

"Mmmm," she replied, liking her lips, "I wonder if they have chicken strips."

"Evening you two," an older lady announced as she came through a door on the other side of the small counter where they checked in. "Looking for a comfortable night off the PCT?" She looked to be about seventy or so, with grey hair that was up in a bun. She moved slow and waddled as she walked, as if carrying the extra weight she had on her five foot five frame was difficult.

"Yes Ma'am," Steve replied. "That restaurant smells good too."

"Tastes better than it smells," she advertised. "You'll get a good meal, that's for sure."

"What do you have available," Amber asked.

"Well," she said as she scanned through a book, " we have four, one has a king bed, one has two queens and two bunk beds and we have two with single queens."

Amber and Steve looked at each other, neither one could forget the last time they had stayed at hotel together, but the days events had overplayed that notion or any uneasiness either one would have had about which cabin to get.

"The two with single queens?" Amber suggested as if it wasn't even a debate. "Or do you want the king?"

"The queen one is fine for me," he agreed, glad she was on the same page as he, feeling they both needed some space between them to cool their jets.

"We'll take the two with single queens," she replied.

"Ok," she said happily, getting double the rate. "Just so you know too, each of our cabins has a hundred gallon water tank, so you won't run out of hot water."

They both liked the sound of that.

"And we have a laundry room right across the way. It takes credit cards so no need for pesky change."

They liked the laundry room even more.

They came out ten minutes later with directions to each of their cabins that were on opposite sides of the main road. Amber's was to the left of the main cabin and around the back down a path about fifty yards and Steve's was across the way about the same distance from the road. Both were nestled amongst the tall pine trees, giving each of the ten cabins for rent its own private little area in the forest.

"Dinner in thirty?" Steve suggested, hoisting his pack on his shoulder.

"Sounds good," Amber said as she picked up hers.

She walked around the back and watched until he crossed the road before she went back inside the main cabin and up to the main desk.

"Excuse me," she called out, hoping the older woman was still there.

She waddled out of the back room seconds later.

"Yes, honey, is there anything wrong?"

"No," Amber smiled, "I was just wondering where the store was?"

"That would be Toby's." she pointed up the road. "It's about half a mile up that way. They should have anything you need for the trail, or Toby can order stuff to be delivered to your next stop too."

"Do they have feminine products?" she asked in a lowered voice.

"Yes, he carries a couple, maybe not your brand but it'll do the trick honey."

Amber smiled, "Ok, ummm," she bit her bottom lip. "Do you know if they carry pregnancy tests?"

The woman's eyes lit up, never having been asked that question before. "Well, I don't know. But I would assume not. Hold on one second." She picked up the phone on the other side of the counter and punched in some numbers, holding the receiver up to her ear as she winked at Amber, "we'll find out real quick." Her attention went back to the phone. "Hey Toby, let me ask you something," she began, "do we stock pregnancy tests in the store at all?" she nodded, getting the answer. "Ok that's what I thought. I might need you to take a trip to Ashland."

Amber shook her head, as if telling her it was ok, they didn't need to make the extra effort.

The woman cupped the phone, "It's my husband and I have things for him to get anyway, so it won't be a problem, besides," she smiled at her, "wouldn't you like to know sooner rather than later?"

Amber swallowed nervously and nodded, "Yea I guess. Ok, thank you!"

"Ok darling," she spoke into the phone again. "I'll get a list together and send it over." she did a kissing sound into the phone before she hung up which made Amber smile.

"I really appreciate this," Amber said, feeling kind of awkward, having her personal life spread out before her to a complete stranger. It was obvious that she and Steve were not a couple by the separate cabins. "Um, if you could just keep this between the two of us," she said sheepishly, "that would be great. I'm sure I'm not, but I just want to make sure."

The woman smiled, "Of course, honey, don't you worry. I'll bring it by your cabin this evening after Toby gets home."

"Thank you so much. What was your name?"

"Annabelle," she smiled.

"Thanks, Annabelle."

She headed to her cabin, filled with both a sense of relief knowing she would have her results before the end of the night, but also a little worried too. She was sure she wasn't pregnant but that slight chance that she was, was driving her crazy. Like Annabelle said, she needed to know sooner rather than later.

Steve set his backpack on the floor and closed the door to his cabin, looking around at the small dueling. It was a little bigger than a normal hotel room but seemed more cozy and home like with the scenic pictures on the wall of neighboring mountains and the quilt bedspread. He was going to get a good night sleep there.

His attention was drawn to the bathroom and the shower, walking toward it as he slipped out of his jacket laying it over a chair and then pulled his shirt over his head.

Five minutes later he was naked and stepping into the warm shower.

"Awww yes," he sighed, looking up directly into the stream as it drenched his face and dripped off of his beard. He then turned, tipping his head back and letting it wet his hair that was longer than it had ever been in his whole life.

He took the older woman's information of not running out of hot water to heart and sat down in the tub, closing his eyes and resting his head against the back wall and just let the warm water wash over him. Some of his cuts and bruises stung at first but as if it were a magical liquid, the pain vanished after only a few seconds.

He was in heaven.

…..

Amber was doing the same thing in her cabin, only the shower wasn't running, the tub was full and she was enjoying a warm, pleasurable soak.

Her eyes were closed and her thoughts were on the bed that looked so comfortable and inviting. She was glad they had done separate rooms. She needed some privacy, as she was sure Steve did too, although hers' was for reasons not relating even closely to his.

She opened her eyes and looked down her naked body at her stomach, wishing she had the test in her hand, but was glad that at least she would hopefully know by the end of the night. She could finally put the stress behind her and get on with the hike.

The quarreling between them that day she admitted was mostly her fault. She was on edge, nervous and pushed to her limit with the hike. All three were playing havoc on her, but he wasn't without his guilt, she decided. He could be short and impatient when he was tired too.

She heard her phone buzz that was on the charger, assuming it was Steve. No one else had reached out to her in months, not even her family.

"He must be really hungry," she said, hitting the nob with her foot as the water began to drain out. She moaned as she lifted herself out of the tub, feeling the stiffness in her muscles, wishing they could just order a pizza and have it delivered rather than getting dressed and going to the restaurant.

She wrapped a towel around her body and went to her phone to respond and let Steve know she'd be ready in about ten minutes. She wanted to blow dry her hair first, pleased when she saw the one on the wall.

But when she picked up her phone, the message wasn't from Steve.

She felt a cold chill run down her spine, reading the message from Chris, her ex-husband's partner.

_Enjoying your vacation? No matter how far away you go you will never be able to escape what you did to them._

She dropped the phone on the bed as if it had stung her, backing away from it, feeling her head begin to swirl over the venomous words.

She stared at it shaking her head in both disbelief and fear, knowing he was thousands of miles away, yet he could still terrorize her just as much as Kevin had.

The phone buzzed again and she jumped, but was relieved to see Steve's name appear with a picture attached to it. It showed a cold beer on a table next to a menu, telling her he was already at the restaurant. The message below read, '_you're missing out.'_

Somehow having Steve near her gave her comfort and security.

She picked the phone back up and replied to him, _'coming!'_ and then moved to Chris' message. She deleted the hurtful text and then blocked him from anymore incoming calls or messages.

….

Amber came in the restaurant and saw him sitting at a both, looking at the menu with a beer in front of him and a vodka soda in her spot.

She slid in the seat across from him. "Hi, sorry. I got too relaxed in the tub."

He looked up from the menu and smiled, "That's ok. I kinda figured so I already ordered some onion rings to hold me over and I figured you'd want one of those," he said of the drink.

"Yes, thank you!"

He picked up his beer and she did the same with the vodka soda and tapped it against his glass.

"Were slowly getting there," he said, taking a drink.

Amber drank from the straw in hers and just as it hit her mouth she suddenly remembered her dilemma. She swallowed down the small amount of what she had taken and set the drink back on the table. She was sure she wasn't pregnant but was it really worth it if she were. No, she decided.

"I'm starving," she declared as the waitress came across the floor in their direction, holding a basket of onion rings. She set it down in front of them.

"Could I have some water," she asked.

"Sure," the young woman replied, "I'll bring two."

"Thanks," Amber replied pushing the drink aside. "It just doesn't taste good tonight."

Steve nodded, wondering if it had to do with the drink or the company. The last time they had had drinks together it had taken a turn that surprised the hell out of both of them. He didn't want to repeat that night and was pretty sure Amber didn't either. They were already on edge with each other and throwing that into the mix would be like throwing kerosene on the fire. Dinner and separate rooms was the solution for him.

Which is exactly what they did. They ate a healthy dinner and then said good night, going their separate ways.

She purposely neglected to tell him about the text from Chris. What was the point? It was her problem and she didn't want to involve him in it, not wanting him to feel obligated to her in that way, or anyway actually.

She walked toward her cabin, hoping to see a package waiting for her, not having seen Annabelle at the front desk when they came for dinner, nor seeing anything left for her either on her doorstep as she went inside.

She lay back on the bed, and patted her hand over her full belly and moaned, having eaten too much, but as her hand rested there she slowly caressed her abdomen, considering again the worse case scenario. How would she ever tell him, or should she? That thought stuck out more than any other. Having a child at this point in her life would just be too emotionally difficult.

"Enough. You're doing it again. Instead of dwelling on the worse case scenario, just think how relieved your going to be when your not!"

She heard a knock on the door and sat up.

She knew who it was, even without having to ask.

She darted off the bed and to the door, opening it and seeing Annabelle with a small brown paper bag.

"Sorry it took so long honey," she said, "but it's raining like the dickens in Ashland. Headed this way too."

"That's ok," Amber smiled. "I really appreciate this."

Annabelle handed her the bag.

"This is going to give me peace of mind."

"Or joy," Annabelle commented.

Amber looked up at her with a tense expression. "I'm looking for peace of mind, not really excitement," she confessed and then regretted saying anything. She didn't know what it was about this woman that she kept blurting out such personal information about herself, but she had an air about her that wasn't really motherly, but more like a close Aunt or older sister, even with the age difference.

Annabelle went by her into the room. "How about I just stay with you while you take the test just incase you need someone to talk to."

Amber turned, shocked over the intrusion and was about to decline the offer, but the words never came out as she watched the older lady take a seat in the chair by the bed.

She wasn't sure what she would say to her but she had gone above and beyond for her so the least she could do was oblige her.

"Ok, I guess. Thank you."

She took the test out of the bag and was surprised that it was the same brand that she had used for both Adam and Ava's pregnancy test.

"Do you know how to use it?" Annabelle asked. "I read the directions on the way back."

"Yes," Amber nodded. "I know what to do." She smiled slightly and went into the bathroom, closing the door.

She was glad she had those two glasses of water at dinner; it just made the process easier and quicker.

When she was done she stood next to the sink, refusing to look at the two windows of the stick. It took one minute for the results to show up. She slowly counted to sixty in her head so she would go over the actual minute mark and leave no mistake when she looked.

"Fifty eight, fifty nine, sixty. Please be negative, please be negative."

She flipped over the stick and felt the air leave her body as she whimpered over the results.

"Oh my god, oh my god," she panted, unable to catch her breath. "Don't panic, don't panic."

She bent over bracing her hands on her knees, feeling light headed.

"Are you all right?" Annabelle asked, hearing what sounded like heavy breathing coming from the other side of the closed door.

She came out of the bathroom, holding the stick in her hand and forced a smile for the old woman. "It's positive." The second the words came out she broke down in a flood of tears.

The worse case scenario was now her reality.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

Annabelle handed her another tissue from the Kleenex box sitting on her lap as Amber obediently took it. She put it up to her nose while she babbled on incoherently at times, of the terrible mess she was in and how was she ever going to be able to tell Steve? And what would he do?

She bent her head and sobbed harder as Annabelle gently stroked her hair.

"You need to calm down now, honey, " she said to her in a soothing voice. "I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but it's not."

"You don't understand," she cried. "It just happened…the one time," she choked. "We don't have that kind of re…relationship." She bent her head and sobbed some more.

"Amber, listen to me." She lifted her head up by the chin. "Are you sure this isn't something that you could be happy with? Women raise babies all the time by themselves. This isn't the fifties anymore you know."

She thought of her situation and what would happen if she went home pregnant after everything that had happened. She lived in a small town and would be shunned and worse yet, so would the baby. Especially after Chris' harassing text from earlier and the anger he had toward her over Kevin's death. Going home in this condition just wasn't an option.

Where would she go other wise? She had nowhere and couldn't start over with a newborn. Just the thought of doing it by herself was bad enough, but having a baby so soon after losing Adam and Ava was making her dilemma even worse.

"I can't," she sobbed, "you don't understand. I just can't."

"Then there are solutions to your problem, Amber. No one has to know and it can be over quickly."

She knew what she was saying as the terrible crying stopped, stunned over what she was suggesting. Never in her life would she have ever considered aborting a child she was carrying. There never would have been a reason or scenario that would lead her to that, until now. It frightened her beyond words to think about. She had so much guilt over Adam and Ava how could she add to it by solving her problem that way, but under the circumstances, she felt she had no other choice.

"I…I don't know if I can do that?"

"What about Steve," Annabelle said. "Are you sure you can't talk to him about this? Maybe he will feel differently."

She shook her head as she came off the bed. "He just lost his wife and baby," tears welled in her eyes. "He won't want this. It'll be too hard for him to take."

"Oh lord," Annabelle sighed, getting the scope of the situation.

"I need to think," Amber said. "I need to sort it out and think."

Annabelle stood up and set the box of tissues down on the bed. "You take the night and get yourself calmed down. I think the shock of it has you a bit hysterical. You just try and get some sleep and in the morning, you'll know what to do."

Amber nodded, "Ok, thank you. I'm sorry for laying all of this on you. You don't even know me yet…"

"I invited myself in, remember," she said to her. "I was a young woman once myself and just because I'm old doesn't mean I still don't know what it feels like to be a woman." She put an arm around her and hugged her. "You need to think what is best for you."

Amber nodded as she hugged her back, "Ok."

She left the room and Amber went over to the bed and lay down, taking the box of tissues with her.

"Relax," she whispered. "Just relax. You need to think about what you're going to do."

The tears welled in her eyes again as she rolled over on her side and began to cry again. They hysteria had settled some and now she was just plain scared. There were so many options that were out there but not one of them would make the situation easier or bring her any kind of relief. It was terrifying.

Steve came to mind just then and normally would have calmed her, but not today.

What was her obligation as far as telling him? Would he want to know? Would he regret knowing? Would he even care? That last thought made her shake her head, knowing he would. He was too good of a man not to care.

But that led her to another question. Would he feel obligated to her because of it? She knew he would, but it also felt like a trap for him in her eyes. He would do the right thing simply because he was a decent man, but that doesn't mean he would love it, or her.

That word love crossed her mind about him. Could she love him? She barely knew him really. She respected him immensely and trusted him more right now than anyone else in the world, but did she love him?

She rolled over the other way, fearing that thought. It was a dangerous emotion that had played havoc with her life. It was risky to love. Would she be able to love this baby?

She knew she would, not having to think twice about that again. Maybe this was fate, giving her a second chance. Her odds of conceiving another child after Ava were slim, yet here she was. Maybe it was fate for the both of them she thought next, not just her.

She tried to picture herself in Hawaii with a baby and with Steve, sitting on a beautiful beach with crystal blue water in front of her watching him play in the surf with their child.

It was a nice vision and relaxed her, playing out the peaceful dream as she drifted off to sleep.

…

The thunder over the cabins roared and woke Steve out of a dead sleep. Seconds later the room brightened with a flash of lightening and then the thunder rumbled again.

"Damn," he whispered, getting up and going to the window. He pulled the decorative curtains back just as a streak of lightening flashed across the sky in front of him, lighting up the main cottage and the row of cabins behind it where Amber's was located.

He wondered if she were awake too? Wishing now they had cabins closer together.

It suddenly dawned on him that this was the furthest they had been apart in over three months of hiking together.

He actually missed her. It was an odd sensation, trying to decipher what that meant. They needed this space between them, that he was sure of, but now that the annoyance had settled and he did have the space, it didn't sit well with him.

Lightening lit up the sky again and another roar of thunder shook the cabin. He smiled over the excitement of it, always loving a good thunderstorm. But what came next he wasn't so thrilled with.

He heard the rain on the roof seconds before he saw the downpour in the darkness. The lights from the main cabin disappeared in the haze as it came down in buckets.

All Steve could think about was the hike and what a muddy fricking mess it was going to be.

The excitement of the storm suddenly changed and it wasn't as much fun anymore. He stepped away from the window and went back to bed, reaching over for his phone and seeing that it was already four thirty eight in the morning. Two hours before they would begin for the day, hoping the rain let up between now and then.

"Shit," he moaned, hearing it pounding on the roof, "This is not good."

He rolled over deciding that there was nothing he could do about it so why waste a good nights sleep in a comfortable bed stressing over Mother Nature's fury.

He let the early morning stress go and pictured he and Amber sitting on the banks of the mountain lake they had come across while hiking over the Sierra's. It was like a mirror as the trees and sky above reflected off of it. They both agreed it was the most beautiful thing they had ever seen. He was glad he hadn't witnessed it alone and that she was with him. It just made it all the more pleasurable, feeling relaxed by it now as well.

Within seconds he was back to sleep.

Amber lay in bed staring off into the darkness. She was aware of the thunderstorm outside, having been awoken from it, but now that she was awake, her mind was consumed with the baby that was inside of her and not the heavy downpour outside of her cabin.

"What am I going to do?" she whispered.

The thought of ending the pregnancy crossed her mind again and she closed her eyes, trying to ward off the dreadful feeling that went along with it.

"You're a strong person," she whispered. "You can do the PCT why can't you raise a child on your own. You practically did it with Ava and Adam and they were angels."

She still had money from the sale of the house and what was in Kevin's 401k. It wasn't much, certainly not enough to start fresh somewhere else and care for a new baby.

She thought of Steve then as being the father, knowing he would help, but she also couldn't help but think of the terrible ordeal with his wife and baby. It would be so heartbreaking for him. It made her mindful once again of the same effect a baby would have on her. The grief over losing Ava and Adam overwhelmed her and her thoughts drifted back to the quick solution that would protect her from that fearful scenario.

She rolled over as tears filled her eyes, "What am I going to do?"

…..

Morning came but the stormy weather hid the sun behind dark and ominous clouds as the rain continued on.

Amber had no intention of hiking today; hoping Steve felt the same way.

At that moment she heard her phone buzz across the way seeing his name appear, knowing he was wanting to talk about the day, the same as they had done every morning since first joining up.

'_Maybe,'_ she thought as she went to her phone, _'maybe I should let him go on by himself, part ways now. He'd never have to know. It would save him so much heartache.'_

_Are you up? _he texted.

_Yes. _Not really wanting to see him just yet, but it was inevitable.

_I'm coming over,_ he replied.

She let out a long drawn out moan, feeling sick to her stomach, but knew it had nothing to do with the pregnancy.

He must have run through the rain or been at the main cabin because less than a minute later he knocked.

She ran her hands down her face and took in a deep breath. "You can do this," she whispered. "Whatever decision you feel strongly about first, just go with it, it will be the right one."

She opened the door and met his smile that was partially hidden behind a wet beard. He wiped his hand over his hair and came inside.

"It's raining really hard," he chuckled. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Some," Amber replied. '_Let him go,'_ she thought. _'Let him go home and live in peace. He deserves it. He saved you once, now you save him from this.'_

"I don't know about you, but I vote for one more night here and let the rain pass. What do you think?"

Amber walked past him and sat on the edge of the bed by the nightstand. "I don't think I'm going to go on at all," she replied softly.

He thought he heard her correctly but had to hear it again to make sure. "What?"

She glanced over at his stunned expression and then turned away, not able to face him. "I'm not going tomorrow. You can go on without me."

"Why?" his voice mirrored his shock and frustration over that news that came out of nowhere. "Is it me, have I overstated my welcome?" he asked bewildered, wondering if maybe he had pushed her too far with his annoying habits.

She shook her head. "No, of course not. I'm just done with it. I don't care if I don't finish."

"Don't say you don't care if you don't finish," he said, knowing that was a cop out and not the real truth. "I know how much you want to get to Canada. We're almost there, Amber. Don't quit now. We'll take a couple of days and rest up. We could use that. You'll feel differently then."

"No I won't!" she snapped, hating what she was doing, but it was the only plan she had. "I don't want it anymore. I'm tired; I'm sore and I'm just done with it. You go and finish. You can do it a lot faster alone anyway."

"That's bullshit," he said, feeling a panic rise up in him over her sudden departure, staring her down but she refused to look at him. He knew the physical strain wasn't the reason or she would have quit months ago. They were actually less physically torn up now, their bodies having adjusted to the day-to-day trauma. "Just quit giving me that line of shit and tell me the truth."

"That is the truth," she replied. "I think you should just go on ahead."

He took a second and put his frustration aside, knowing that wasn't it. She was just as eager to reach the finish line as he was. He'd heard it from her too many times to resolve the fact that just over night she was going to change her mind.

He went over to her and stood in front of her, "I'm not going without you."

"Yes you are!" she shouted, coming off the bed. She was in this now and couldn't back out. "I want you to go on without me! It's over for me! Just go!" she went in the bathroom and slammed the door closed. "I'm done with it!"

He forwent frustration and straight to anger, "Fine! Give up! Go back to Indiana and crawl under the covers, Amber. I don't give a shit anymore!"

She heard the cabin door open and then slam shut; feeling it all the way to her core. Hoping she never saw him again, because she wasn't sure she could say goodbye to him in any normal way. She sat down on the edge of the tub and put her hands over her face and started to cry. It was so much harder than she ever dreamt it would be, but she just kept telling herself it was the best thing for him.

He stood outside in the rain completely dumbfounded over what just went down. His stubborn side wanted to just go back to his cabin, pack up and be done with her, but his rational side just couldn't accept the reasons she was giving him. They had been through too much together to just end it like this. He deserved more than the lame ass excuse she was trying to give him.

"Goddamn her," he growled. He turned around and stormed back into her cabin.

Amber lifted her head hearing the door open again.

"I want an explanation!" he demanded, standing a few feet from the closed bathroom door. "A real one this time."

When she didn't respond he wanted to break the door down and shake her until he had his answer, but somewhere between his anger and his frustration, his emotions turned on him and he felt fearful for her and for himself. He wasn't ready to say goodbye to her just yet.

"Amber," he said calmly, making one last ditch effort to save their friendship. "We've been through too much together to let it end this way. Whatever it is we can work it out. In the beginning of this hike I was just trying to escape reality…and then I met you. I thought if I helped you make it to the end that somehow I could exonerate all the guilt I had over Catherine's death. But along the way I made a real friend, and I'm sorry, but I'm just not ready to give up that friendship without a fight. I can't continue on without you. I don't want to. If you're out, I'm out too."

It felt selfish but she didn't care. She didn't want him to go away with bad thoughts about her. In her plan to send him on his way she never once considered that he would take it so hard; that surprisingly touched her. He was genuinely wounded

He ran his over his dripping wet hair, waiting, listening.

"I trusted you Amber. You were a stranger to me and I trusted you with things that no one else knew. And you…you trusted me too. When did all that change? Why the secrecy and the lies all of a sudden? What did I do for you to think that I would just walk away and accept the bullshit you're throwing at me now? I don't deserve this and you know it. I deserve the truth, Amber. I think I've earned it."

He stepped back hearing her unlock the bathroom door.

She stood before him with puffy eyes and red cheeks.

Whatever was troubling her he thought, had a really good hold of her because she looked liked she'd been through the ringer.

"Tell me," he pleaded. "I've got your back no matter what it is, you have to know that by now."

She wanted to see his face when she told him. He couldn't hide the truth with his first impression.

"I'm pregnant," she said softy, staring right into his eyes when she said it.

He didn't need her to repeat that, hearing her loud and clear. His mind reeling over how she could have hidden that from him all this time. His eyes went down to her stomach not seeing the evidence that she was that far along, counting back the time they had been hiking together, assuming she had conceived just before the beginning of the hike, which again seemed so incredible that she could have hid that from him, especially the night that they were together. How could he not have known?

And then all at once it hit him, sending a shock through his entire body.

She wasn't pregnant that night. She got pregnant from him that night.

He felt his knees buckle just slightly over the impact of the news that caught him without warning. He stared at her, but his mind was on that night in the hotel room as images flashed before him of the two of them in bed and the spontaneous moment that caught both of them by surprise and even more so now. He selfishly hadn't considered the outcome to be this, more concerned with how it would change their relationship.

To his relief it hadn't changed it, until now.

She watched him closely as he computed the information. To her surprise he wasn't as shocked by it as she had thought, which was comforting. He seemed to be mulling over the information in a calm non-threatened manner, and then his expression changed.

Her heart sank to her stomach, seeing the shock on his face that she was hoping to avoid. She realized that more than likely he was just now coming to the understanding that he was indeed the father.

She sat down on the edge of the bed as he stared at her, but in a way that she wasn't even sure if knew she were still there. A bomb probably could have exploded and his mind wouldn't be able to deal with that disaster over the one she was sure he was dealing with now.

He somehow knew there was a chair behind him, or maybe just hoped as he practically stumbled backwards, reaching back for it as he sat down at the same time.

Amber thought it somewhat amusing that he actually made it in the chair without landing on his butt next to it.

'_A baby,'_ he thought, still shocked over the announcement; the impact of it becoming full circle in his thought process. _'How could you do this to her? How could you do it to Catherine?'_

"Steve," she said softly, not wanting to startle him out of the trance that had overtaken his body. "Tell me what you're thinking right now. The first words that come to mind."

He blinked a couple of times and did as he was told, speaking as if he were out of breath.

"Shocked, ashamed, confused, shocked." His eyes showed the next word all too well. "Guilty."

The room became blurred as her eyes filled with tears. He was experiencing everything she was too. Her next question she was almost afraid to ask but wanted to catch him when he was vulnerable to get the truth.

"What do you think we should do?"

He looked over at her as if stunned by that question, giving her the answer she didn't want.

"What ever you want, Amber. I'll support whatever you want to do."

She came off the bed in a furry, "Don't say that! That's not fair! You can't put all of this on my shoulders!"

He was taken back by her outburst, thinking it was the right thing to say, but she was right, it wasn't. "I'm sorry. You're right. I was trying to be…I don't know supportive I guess. To say the right thing," he looked down shamefully at the floor, running his hand over his still damp hair, "but it was the easy thing to say and nothing about this situation is going to be easy."

"There isn't an easy way out," Amber agreed, "but there is a quick way." She looked up at him to once again get his first initial reaction over what she was suggesting, assuming by his 'supporting her in whatever she wanted to do' comment was what he was thinking as well.

He looked over at her, knowing what she was offering, feeling the muscles in his neck tighten and strain over having to make that decision. It would be quick yes, but the ramifications from it could be life long.

"I don't know. Is that something…" he hesitated not wanting to give her the impression that he was 100% on board with it, because he wasn't, "Is that something you've already thought about?"

She turned and sat back down on the bed, feeling sick to her stomach. "Yes. But I've never done it before," she quickly added, not wanting him to think that it was something she was easily considering, because she wasn't. "I've never even considered that before ever in my life."

"I know that Amber," he replied, coming off the chair and going to the bed, sitting down next to her. "I never have either nor would I," he sighed, thinking over both of their current life situations, "at least I never thought I would." He too felt a little nauseous.

She looked over at him. "I don't know if I can be pregnant so soon after…" she broke down and started to cry, leaning in to him as he put an arm around her shoulder.

"I know," he whispered, "me too."

The idea of having a baby so soon after losing Catherine and their unborn child was just too hard to imagine right now. He remembered feeling the overwhelming excitement when he found out about the first pregnancy. It had brought tears to his eyes, but it was tears of joy, and there was no joy anywhere inside of him over this news, and he was pretty sure Amber felt the same.

"There's a place," she began, "in Ashland. A clinic," she clarified, "where we could…or I could go," she paused, "and get it done."

"We could go," he said reassuringly. "Is it painful to have a…the procedure I mean?" neither one wanted to say the actual word.

Amber shrugged, "I don't know." But they were both thinking the same thing; it wasn't going to be physically painful as much as it was going to be mentally or emotionally.

"What do you think?" Steve said with a heavy sigh.

Amber pretty much knew where he stood by now but assumed he was just being cooperative and not stating what he really felt. He didn't want the baby.

"We should go," she replied softly, trying to hold back the sorrow that was filling her over their dilemma and the decision that she felt was the right one for now. Neither of them was prepared emotionally for this.

"Maybe we should take a day or two and…"

"No," she cut him off, "it has to be today." She couldn't sit around and ponder it. If it was going to happen it needed to happen quickly.

….

Annabelle handed Steve the keys to her old Subaru Forester. He insisted on giving her his credit card with a twenty-five thousand dollar limit and having her charge him ten thousand just for her peace of mind, insuring they weren't just a couple of schmucks taking off with her car. She could refund the amount back on the card minus a hundred just for the use of it for the day.

She reluctantly agreed, believing they were genuine people.

Amber stood on the passenger side with Annabelle as the older woman took her by the arm, leading her away out of Steve's earshot.

"You listen to me honey," she said sternly, "if you get there and you decide this isn't want you want, then you stand up and say so. He seems like a decent and honest man but if you want to go through with this pregnancy, you just remember what I told you last night. Women have babies all the time by themselves and he'll help you, one way or another, the law says that, but he doesn't have to be a part of it either."

Amber forced a smile for her, knowing she was just trying to be helpful, but that thought had crossed her mind already a hundred times. She was confused and scared and for the life of her she just couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel if she kept it.

'Thank you Annabelle."

She hugged the old woman and got in the car with Steve.

….

The forty-mile drive to Ashland was silent between them. The radio was on to a country station that was set by Annabelle but neither one of them heard the music, too caught up in their own thoughts.

Steve glanced over at her but her face was turned away as she stared out the window. Neither had talked about it, but the hike was over, at least for him. The excitement of reaching Canada was gone now. He wasn't angry over it, or even bitter, it just didn't hold the status anymore that it did the day before. Amber was his priority now. He felt he was to blame for putting her in this position. It was his responsibility to have taken care of the protection needed that night. He wanted it more than she did. He was convinced of that.

Even with what was happening he couldn't bring himself to regret that night. She was there for him in so many different ways leading up to it. He respected her more than just about anyone he knew. They trusted each other. It's what made them so compatible. It also made him wonder if they were doing the right thing because of that.

He reached back and grabbed the back of his neck and squeezed, feeling the muscles tighten, trying to shake off the one plan that was sitting in the back of his conscience that he'd yet to offer up to Amber. It was scary and risky. He wished he had someone to talk it out with, but there was no one to call this time. Danny was out of the question. He was too embarrassed on some levels, knowing how irresponsible he'd been. Danny would understand in the end, but it scared him knowing which side of the road he'd be on. And it wouldn't be on the one they were traveling right now.

He wondered too why he was there? He'd always prided himself on stepping up and facing his responsibilities and mistakes, but this time he was doing the opposite. He was running away from it at sixty miles an hour to a place that could wipe it all away in a matter of minutes. He asked himself again, why was he there?

_'Catherine,'_ he thought.

When it came down to it, it was all about her and the horrible guilt he felt over her death, and here he was stacking more on top of it. How could he do that to her memory so soon after losing her? What would she want him to do? And if the tables were turned what would he want her to do?

_'What should I do, Cat? Tell me what to do.' _

Amber pushed the button on the window, rolling it down a couple of inches to let in some fresh air. She too was feeling the anxiety of where they were headed, hearing Annabelle's voice telling her that she had a choice.

She thought of the night she had conceived, feeling guilty for putting Steve in the position he was now. She kissed him first. She led him on in her lonely, drunken stupor. She should have been responsible enough to stop it, but she didn't, knowing why too. She needed someone to want her in that way. She needed to know that she was still desirable. Kevin had reduced her to a fraction of the woman she used to be and Steve had built her back up again. He just looked so good that night and he was such a good man to her. It was like an aphrodisiac, she couldn't help it nor did she regret it, even now.

She felt a flutter in her stomach as tears filled her eyes. She knew it couldn't be the baby, it was far too soon, but nonetheless she felt life inside of her and she couldn't help but be reminded of Adam and Ava and what it felt like to carry both of them. It was the happiest time of her life. Was she too hastily giving up that happiness once again?

It made her mindful of what Steve would do if she put a stop to it like Annabelle had said. Would he be angry, resentful? Would he even be a part of it? They knew each other well, but that was in this world. She really knew nothing about him in the real world. And as much as she wanted to believe they were similar places, they couldn't have been further apart.

They pulled into Ashland yet neither one of them felt even remotely the sign of relief that they should have.

…..

Steve held the glass door open for Amber that read '_**Ashland Women's Clinic'**_ in black cursive writing.

The room they entered looked like any ordinary doctor's office waiting room, complete with a door to the right where people entered to see the doctor and a door to the left where they exited from and a receptionist behind a counter between them both. Neither was sure what to expect, maybe something darker and more ominous for the reason they were there, but it wasn't like that at all.

There were three other people in the room waiting who stared at them as they walked to the window as if knowing their story. Amber couldn't help but feel judged by them.

"Hi," the woman behind the counter said as they approached. "Do you have an appointment?"

"Um, no," Amber replied. "Do I need one?" she asked, hoping that maybe they would have to come back.

"Not necessarily," she said, "What do you need to see the doctor about?"

Amber swallowed, feeling her stomach churn as she explained in the most delicate way she could without using the word to describe the actual procedure, whispering as she did. "Um, I'm pregnant and…um, I…" she swallowed again, "I don't want to be."

"You need a pregnancy termination?" the woman clarified.

"Yes," Amber replied quietly.

"We can get you in today pretty quickly actually," she said as if that were a good thing.

Steve stood next to her and felt as helpless as he had in any situation he'd ever been in. He was supposed to be there to support her but what kind of support could he offer, or worse yet, what kind was he giving her by being there in the first place?

Her voice alone stressed her fear, it was crystal clear, yet here they were, accepting the forms and taking a seat, waiting for their name to be called to make it all go away.

His mind was consumed with doubt as he watched Amber fill out the forms. Her hand gently shook and she had to cross out and re-write personal information two different times, and yet there he sat, not saying a word but on the inside he was pleading for something, anything.

'_Oh god Cat, tell me what to do? Tell me what to do?'_

The seven minutes they sat there seemed like an eternity, neither looking at, nor touching the other. Yet both were finally on the same page but each too afraid to speak up, until the moment came to a head.

"Amber Scott," the young nurse called out, standing at the open door to the right where patients were guided back to the exam rooms.

Her body stiffened, hearing her name being called. She gripped tightly onto the clipboard in her hands that held her paperwork.

Out of nowhere Steve suddenly heard Amber's voice in the tent the day of the avalanche, assuring him that the loss of his baby with Catherine was just as heartbreaking as hers. It wasn't the subject that struck him now but her words that she had used that came full circle.

'_You were a father that lost a baby,' _she had said_, 'It doesn't matter how or when. That baby was yours and you were its father the second it was conceived."_

When the nurse didn't get a response she called her name again. "Amber Scott?"

She felt as though she were in a fog as she moved to get up, feeling his arm come across her body.

Steve suddenly reached across and grabbed the wooden arm of her chair, blocking her from getting up.

"Don't go," he said almost breathless.

She looked over at him just as shocked as he was over his dismissal of the act.

"Don't go," he said again, meeting her eyes as he spoke to her. "I don't want you to do it." He stared at her, searching her eyes for something beyond the shocked look, not sure if she approved with his impulsive decision until she replied.

"Ok," she agreed without a hint of regret or argument.

"Ok?" he repeated to make sure she really was on board.

"I don't want to do it either."

He let out a winded sigh of relief and took the clipboard from her hands and stood up, walking over to the nurse at the door and handed her the paperwork. "We changed our mind," he said to her.

She smiled and nodded, taking the clipboard. "Congratulations then."

Her response was unexpected but he had no reply to it, going back to Amber as she stood by the chair. He didn't say anything or even look directly at her. He simply took her hand and led her out of the clinic to the street.

The rain had started again and they huddled close together by a wall around the corner that had an overlay from the roof.

He finally looked at her seeing that she had beaten him to it, seeing a variety of emotions in her eyes as well as tears as she stared at him.

"Tell me what you're thinking right now?" he asked nervously.

"Relieved. Thankful," her voice broke. "Thankful." She reached up and hugged him, feeling his arms come around and hold her tightly.

"Me too," he replied. "It didn't feel right, Amber," he confessed. "It just felt wrong."

All he could remember as he sat in the chair, hearing Amber's name being called, was her words and Catherine's too that she had always reminded him to rely on when he doubted himself. '_Trust your instincts,'_ she would say. And in that moment of clarity he felt he had.

Where they went from here, he had no clue.

She felt comforted by his tender embrace and the fact that he had stepped up and been the brave one to speak for the both of them, but the one question still had her fearful.

Was she even ready for something like this? Was he?

That answer was clear. No, they weren't, not by a long shot.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

The rain pounded on the roof of the car as Steve held the passenger door of Annabelle's Subaru open for Amber. She quickly got in as he slammed it shut and darted around to the driver's side. She reached over, opening the door for him.

He got in and closed it, wiping his hand over his damp hair. "Damn it's raining hard," he shivered, starting the engine to get the heater going.

"Might be another day before we can start hiking again," Amber added, putting her hands up to the vent, impatiently waiting for warm air. She glanced over at Steve as he stared at her, perplexed over that comment. "What?" she asked, looking at him in the same way.

"What do you mean, start hiking again? We're done with the PCT, Amber."

"Why? We can keep going."

"No we can't," he huffed. "You're pregnant, remember."

"So. It's just walking. I'll be careful and if we start to get…"

"No!" he said more firmly. "We can't. You can't."

"Steve," she began when he cut her off again.

"Amber please, I can't hike with you in this condition. I just can't. It may sound sexist and even caveman like but I don't care. I'll be a nervous wreck with every step. So please, don't fight me on this. It's just over."

She gave in knowing he was right, but didn't think of his reasons sexist nor barbaric, she thought it sweet that he cared enough already about her well-being.

"Ok we're done," she agreed, but felt bad over it. "You can keep going without me if you want. Really Steve, it's ok."

He smiled over that generous offer, but it too was out of the question. "What's Pig Pen without Piglet."

She was glad that he didn't seem mad; he didn't even really seem disappointed. But it didn't make her feel any better about their situation.

"I'm sorry, Steve. I know how much you wanted this."

"Why are you sorry? This is my fault. I think I wanted it more that night than you did."

Amber laughed, "Not true. I think I kissed you first."

He chuckled, not really knowing who instigated it. "Ok. I guess this is all your fault then," he joked.

She knew he was teasing her, "Very funny. So what now?"

The smiles slowly faded from both of their faces. That was the question of the hour, what now? Yet neither spoke up right away, not knowing the answer.

Steve had two things on his mind and two things only, Amber and Catherine. He knew and trusted his feelings for Catherine, they were undeniable, and even though she was gone he was still in love with her and still relied on his trust of that love for guidance. It was the reason he was sitting where he was at that moment, an impending father once again.

Amber had one thing on her mind and that was Steve. She'd only known him for a short while but knew him well enough to know that she could rely on him, but wasn't sure how much of him would be available beyond the financial part. She didn't expect anything and wouldn't ask for it either, knowing his love for his wife and the grief that went along with it was all too real, but she did feel they could make just as good a team in life as they did on the trail.

"Steve," she said softly, looking out the window and not at him as the raindrops struck the glass. "I know what kind of man you are and I'm thankful that I met you, and I don't regret that night. I never have and I never will. I think we just needed each other for different reasons and," she smiled slightly, "mine was fulfilled, I hope yours was too, but…" she swallowed hard, trying to wet her dry throat as tears well up in her eyes, "I don't want you to feel trapped or stuck in this situation. I know how much you loved your wife and how difficult this must be for you. You can be involved as much as you want or as little as you want and I'll understand."

This friendship with her was very important to him, especially now; it was another reason he was sitting there and not back in that clinic. He'd felt he was letting her down as a friend by allowing her to go through with the abortion when he was the responsible one, and he'd never walked away from his responsibilities before and wasn't about to now.

"I'm in this with you, Amber, all the way. You talk about my grief, what about yours? This can't be easy for you after losing Adam and Ava. I saw that part of you and it was…" he recalled the pain in her voice as she told him about their deaths, feeling his heart go out to her again. "I won't let you go through this alone, not because I shouldn't and it's the right thing to do, but because I want to be there for you."

She was right, he was a good man. "Thank you," she whispered leaning her head against the window.

He couldn't see her eyes, but saw a tear run down her cheek. It made him mindful of what they were facing and just how he could be there for her. They lived so far apart. She had a home to go back to and so did he. He thought of Danny and cringed a little, wondering what he would think of all this.

It suddenly dawned on him then that Amber knew of Danny and even Chin and Kono, but never, not one time had he ever heard her speak about a friend back home nor had she ever called anyone while they had been together, no one, not once. And worse than that, no one had reached out to her. That sent a cold shiver down his spine, knowing she was truly alone now.

He began to put bits and pieces together of their conversations about her home. It was a small town and her only friends he recalled her saying were wives of her husband's fellow officers, and once he was gone, so were they. He remembered her even saying that some blamed her for the deaths, especially his partner, which Steve found grotesque.

He pictured her in Indiana, alone, pregnant and then a single mother with his baby after it was born. It would be like hell for her. If he wanted to be there for her then he couldn't let that happen.

"That night in the hotel," he began, "I asked you to come visit me in Hawaii. Do you remember that?"

Amber smiled, wiping her eyes, "Yes."

"Well, why don't you? Why don't you come to Hawaii with me, Amber, to live? We can raise the baby together there."

She wasn't overly shocked with his invitation, wondering if he would ask her that, but now that he had, she had her doubts. He was still grieving his wife. How would she and a baby mix in with that?

"I don't know, Steve," she swallowed nervously. "It's very expensive. I mean I have some money, but I'm not sure I have enough for that."

"Stay with me," he blurted out. "I have the room."

Now she was genuinely shocked as she turned her head and looked at him.

He leaned forward, putting a hand on her knee, "We practically live together now. It could be a temporary solution. Just come for a while and see if you like it. If you don't…then we'll work something else out. I promise."

She knew it wasn't a romantic invitation by any means, neither of them was ready for that, but under the circumstances having his support was something she needed to strongly consider.

She bit her bottom lip, "Are you sure you want this?"

"Yes. We make a great team. I think it would work out well."

She stared into his eyes, not sure what she was looking for, but she didn't see doubt.

"What do you say, Amber? Toes in the sand or snow?"

She had nothing to go back to in Indiana, except more heartbreak, and with Chris' harassing texts, she knew going back pregnant would just make him even more resentful towards her.

"Ok," she smiled. "What the hell. I could use some sunshine."

"Ok then," he grinned, patting her leg where his hand had been, feeling one obstacle was overcome. "We better get Annabelle's car back, I'm going to need that $10,000 on my credit card," he joked, putting the car in gear.

He was generally excited about the offer and her acceptance, knowing it would be easier on her and him, considering it a good decision, until he pictured her there in his house.

Catherine's image suddenly appeared and he felt his heart drop to his stomach over bringing in another woman where she had been less than a year before. He had come on this hike to try and move on in his life, but bringing someone home with him, pregnant with his child no less, almost felt like a slap in the face to her memory. But it was too late now. He couldn't take it back. Amber was coming to Hawaii.

It was an impulsive decision but one that was based on hers and the baby's best interest. His error, was offering up his house as residence, but that also was too late to take back, it would make it seem like he really didn't want her there, and he did, didn't he?

He had mixed feelings about it now, feeling the first signs of the life-changing event that was going to turn his world upside down. He became mindful of people back home, including his friends and Catherine's friends. How would they handle this news and Amber's presence? Would they be angry, acceptable or resentful? Many would question his relationship with Amber since she'd be living in his house. Which made him question it himself. People would only assume they were a couple. What would he tell them? Who was she to him?

She had become a permanent staple in his life, even before that night in the hotel. That he knew. But now everything had changed since they'd slept together. The event had been swept under the rug, and the feelings that arose out of it ignored, but there was no ignoring them any longer. She was sitting next to him with his baby growing inside of her as he tried to decipher his feelings for her while Catherine's spirit was wrapped around him so tightly that just the thought of moving on was difficult to embrace.

He didn't know how he felt about her. He respected her immensely and admired her courage. They were the same two qualities that he valued most about Cat, but his heart wasn't something that he wore on his sleeve, nor did he want to. He had played that hand and lost everything.

His mind drifted back to that night in the hotel and the warmth and satisfaction that he received from her. It was nourishing, and he had got out of it what he had been searching for, pleased that she had too. But they both got a little more than they had bargained for and now here he was, sitting in a stranger's car with pregnant Amber sitting next to him and they were both coming home with him to live. She had been just as guilty of ignoring that night as he had been. Assured that she understood the invitation passed on to her was one of friendship and not the other. She'd be sharing his house, but not his bed. He wasn't ready for that, and he was pretty sure she wasn't either.

Amber had wished many times over that Steve would have been Adam and Ava's father, knowing how wonderful he would have been, and now she was going to get the chance to experience it with this child. The initial shock of the pregnancy had worn off and she now turned to the future.

The invitation to move into his home was unexpected but it was also smart and generous and she hoped that he wouldn't regret it. She was sure he did it for financial reasons and nothing more, which she agreed with. Even though she was carrying his child neither one was emotionally ready to deal with a relationship in that capacity, the baby alone was enough to deal with.

She felt somewhat relieved now that a plan had been made and she could focus on that. It was a risky move for her and not without doubt. She was going to a strange place that she'd never been before and would be pregnant on top of it. She glanced over at Steve and knew she could trust him, but it didn't ease the anxiety of what her life would be like there. She felt she could handle the change in the living arrangements, but what about the physical and emotional changes to her body that came along with the pregnancy after losing Adam and Ava? She felt her grief well up inside of her, wondering if she would ever find joy in this pregnancy without feeling the grief of missing her other two babies? The two went hand in hand.

"Amber," Steve said to her as he drove the road back to the cabins.

She looked over at him, "Yes?"

He had been so worried about what people back home were going to think about his situation that he never thought about it from her point of view. He was going back to a place that was familiar, with friends that in the end he knew he could count on no matter what, but she had none of that, except for him.

"I just want you to know that I'll do my best to make you feel comfortable there, in Hawaii I mean. I know its going to be a huge change for you in so many ways, but more than anything else, I want you to feel safe and I want you to be happy."

Any doubt or fear she was harboring about the move flew out the window. His timing was impeccable. She didn't have to fear the unknown because he'd be by her side, the same as he'd been for the past four months as they traveled the PCT that was just as mysterious as the road they were now going to venture down.

"Thank you, Steve. I appreciate that, more than you know."

He smiled, feeling triumphant that he had made her happy. "Day by day," he said, "just like the hike, we'll take it day by day."

Amber nodded, but asked the same question she had earlier.

"Are you sure about this, Steve? I mean, are you really sure? I need to know."

This was his chance. She was giving him a prime opportunity to either bring up another living arrangement, or to scrap the idea all together. It crossed his mind but so did the baby.

It wasn't about him anymore. Amber's needs outweighed his own.

"Yes, I'm sure. We'll be ok Amber, I promise."

He hadn't lied to her or let her done yet, so she believed him when he said it was going to be ok.

….

Annabelle knocked softly on Amber's cabin door after they had returned. She'd yet to see her since Steve had dropped the keys off and Amber had gone straight to her cabin.

They door opened and she smiled at the older woman who held a bowl in her hand with a paper towel covering it.

"I brought you some chicken chowder from the kitchen. If you're hungry?"

"Thank you, Annabelle," she replied, opening the door wider and allowing her to enter.

She came in and set the bowl on the table, and then turned to her with a sympathetic expression. "How you feeling, honey?"

Amber took deep breath and let it out, "Pregnant," she announced.

Annabelle looked perplexed at first and then smiled brightly, "You didn't do it?"

Amber shook her head, "It was close. We were there in the office and they called my name and…" she sighed, "it just didn't feel right."

Annabelle walked over to her and gently grasped her by the arms, "Congratulations then."

"Thank you," she replied as they both hugged.

Annabelle leaned back so she could see her face, "Can I ask you a personal question? You don't have to answer because it's really none of my business."

Amber nodded her agreement, she'd only known her for such short time but yet she trusted her like an Aunt. "Of course, what?"

"Whose idea was it to not go through with it? Yours or his?"

Amber smiled, knowing what she was thinking. "They called my name and Steve put his arm across my chair, preventing me from getting up. He's taking me home with him," she added, "to Hawaii."

"My, my! You're jumping in with both feet aren't you?" she said impressed.

"It was Steve's idea."

Annabelle hugged her again, "You'll be just fine then, honey. You trust your feelings and you'll be just fine."

"Thank you Annabelle for all your help. It was comforting having another woman to talk too."

"I'm glad I could help."

"You know," Amber began, "they say there are angels on the trail, I think you were mine."

Annabelle was flattered by that, hugging her once again. "The universe works in mysterious ways," she added. "This man seems to care about you, otherwise he would have let you go through with it. Maybe he's your angel?"

Amber shrugged, "Maybe, or maybe we're both jumping in with both feet way too soon. I don't even know what to expect, or to expect from him, or myself for that matter. Where does his obligation and ties to us end?"

Annabelle looked at her inquiringly, knowing the situation but hearing something in her voice that made her curious to ask. "Are you in love with him?"

"No!" Amber quickly replied. The speedy reply surprised Annabelle as well.

"That's an awfully quick no for someone who is jumping in with both feet and moving to a place she has no idea what to expect, with a man she is willing to make the changes for."

Amber sighed, "I can't fall in love with him. I won't let myself."

The older woman looked in her eyes and saw disappointment more than she did sureness, "Hmmm, I'm sorry, but from the seats over here, I think you already did."

Amber stared at her, thinking about that question. She had never let herself go that far before with Steve, it was too dangerous, but now being confronted by it she had to ask herself, after all they had been through together had she fallen in love with him and just not realized it? Love had become a confusing emotion to her over the years. She loved her children, there was no question there, but she thought she had been in love with Kevin at some point in her life but he had snuffed out that flame and made her weary of that type of love, if it was even possible or existed.

"He means a great deal to me," she explained. "I respect him and trust him more than anyone in my life right now. I think maybe that's what you are seeing. My admiration."

"Hmm," Annabelle contemplated that reply, "I admire, respect and trust my husband more than anyone else in my life," she smiled, "and that's why I have been in love with him for forty four years."

Amber didn't know why, but that brought tears to her eyes.

"He doesn't feel that way about me," she confessed.

"Or maybe he's just as confused as you are?" she said knowingly. "No man takes on the roll that he is about to for a woman that he just 'likes'," she used her fingers as quotes.

Amber shook her head; "It's too dangerous, besides he loves his wife too much."

"She's not a part of this world anymore," Annabelle argued, "and you are."

"We can't!" she fired back, walking away from her, not wanting to discuss it any longer. "There's too much at stake! Love would just make it more complicated."

Annabelle laughed, "Denying your feelings makes it more complicated. Having someone to love and getting it in return, that is the uncomplicated part."

"Stop it!" she practically yelled, "Please! I just can't talk about that right now."

"I'm sorry," Annabelle quickly retorted, feeling bad now for badgering her. "I'm sorry honey. I didn't mean to upset you. I think I've seen one too many of those Hallmark movies where everyone in the end solves the complicated issue with a tender kiss."

Amber couldn't help but chuckle over that, "Those movies are so dumb."

"I know, but I can't help myself, love is the one true emotion that I don't want to lose sight of, and neither should you. Don't shut the door on that tender kiss honey. I'm just an old lady from the sixties who runs a restaurant and camp up in the mountains of Oregon, but if there is one thing I know above everything else, the love of a good man will make you happy no matter where you live."

Amber sighed and then smiled, "You're a hopeless romantic, Annabelle, I'm just hopeless," she chuckled.

The older woman put her arms around her, "You go on your adventure with this man, and if it doesn't work out," she leaned back with her hands on her arms, "you and the babe can come back here."

She thought that a very generous offer since they really barely knew each other. "Thank you Annabelle," she said sincerely.

She touched her gently on the cheek in a motherly way and smiled in the same loving way, "Open your heart, honey, it'll lead you in the right direction every time."

Amber nodded, appeasing her but had no intention of opening her heart to the possibility of another broken one.

…..

Danny grinned as he picked up his ringing cell phone off the coffee table in his house, seeing the picture of Steve with his long beard.

"Daniel Boone," he said as he answered it. "Are you calling from Oregon finally?"

"Hey Danny," Steve replied, never feeling so nervous to talk to his best friend. "I did make it here and its everything I imagined, lot's of trees and crystal clear rivers. It's beautiful."

"Nice," Danny sighed, picturing it in his mind. "Did you get the package I sent to Ashland?"

He'd forgotten all about it, even when he had driven to that town with Amber. "Oh, um, no, but I don't really need it anymore either."

"Wow, things must be coming along pretty well then if you're not looking forward to a package anymore."

"Actually," Steve began feeling his stomach tighten, "I'm coming home in a couple of days."

Danny sat up and scooted to the end of the couch, shocked over that news. "Really?! Is everything ok? Did you get hurt?"

"No, no, nothing like that. I'm fine. I'm…I…," he staggered and then paused. He wanted to tell him about Amber, but suddenly felt ashamed over their situation. "I'm just ready to come home."

Danny didn't interrogate him on why he was stopping the hike, especially being so close to Canada. It surprised him that Steve off all people would quit but on the other hand he was elated that his friend and partner was coming home. He'd missed him more than he thought he would.

"We're ready for you to come home too," Danny replied.

That felt good.

"Did you miss me Danny," he teased.

"Hell no," he kidded him. "It's been peaceful here and I haven't been shot at once since you've been gone."

Steve laughed over that. "Well get your Kevlar out because I'm ready to come back to work too."

"Oh great," he moaned, "here we go again. I can't wait. Oh hey," he began on a different subject, "how's Amber? Is she out too?"

Steve rubbed his sweaty hand over his thigh, "Um, yea, I think she's done too. We both feel the timing is right." He'd only given Danny bits and pieces of Amber's story, never filling him in on the gruesome details, only that she'd lost her family and was grieving the same as he.

"I have to admit," Danny began, "I was skeptical in the beginning with you taking off on that little adventure."

"Shocking that you were skeptical about something Danielle," Steve teased.

"Ha ha, that was a little funny, but as I was saying," he replied sarcastically, "I was skeptical, but I think you made the right choice and I think you running into Amber was a gift. You changed after you started hiking with her. I could hear it in your voice."

"Really?" Steve asked, surprised over that. "How so?"

"You sounded…more relaxed, like you were enjoying yourself more. Enjoying life again."

"It was nice having a partner again," he admitted.

"Well, I'm glad you're coming home."

"Me too." He felt more at ease and decided to come clean about he and Amber until Danny set him back.

"I need to tell you something, before you get back," Danny sighed.

"What?"

Danny ran his hand over his hair, but knew he should tell him now and not blind side him when he got home. "You know I've been going by the house every couple of weeks to check on things?"

"Yes, thanks for that." He wondered if maybe something had happened to the house and he didn't want to burden him with the details while he was on the hike.

"You're welcome. Everything's fine there. I even mowed."

"I appreciate that," Steve said sincerely, glad it wasn't what he thought, but Danny still hadn't told him what he assumed was going to be bad news.

Danny gripped the back of his neck and squeezed, massaging the tense muscles that had just suddenly appeared.

"Danny?" Steve said quietly into the phone, "just tell me. Whatever it is, I'll deal with it, ok?"

"Alright, here it is. A couple of weeks ago your neighbor called me. I had given him my number in case of an emergency. He said some packages had been delivered."

Steve narrowed his eyes, trying to remember if he had ordered anything, but couldn't recall. "Ok, I don't know. What were they?"

Danny closed his eyes and swallowed down the misery that was engulfing him over having to reveal what they were.

"Danny," Steve huffed, getting impatient with him. "What was it?"

"Baby furniture," he said quietly. "A crib and a bassinet."

Steve felt as if he'd been punched. His mind reeling over what Danny had just told him. Confused over it as well until he calmed and began to understand.

Danny heard silence on the other end, knowing it was going to startle him and probably catch him off guard regardless. It had shocked him as well, not knowing anything about a baby with he and Catherine.

"Steve?"

"Yea, I'm here," he said to him.

"I didn't know what to do with them? I didn't know that you and Catherine…" he paused, feeling his throat close up over the potential secret that Steve had been harboring this whole time since her death, hoping that the furniture was ordered in hopes of getting pregnant and not that she had been when she died.

Steve couldn't let go the irony that he was facing at that very second. Catherine had ordered the furniture and yet Amber was the one that was now carrying his child. It was a painful blow that made him all the more shameful of his situation that he was in with her. The interest of coming home suddenly vanished.

"Maybe I should have told you sooner," Danny said, not sure what to say.

"No," Steve replied quietly, "I'm sorry, Danny. I didn't know Cat had done that. She must have ordered it the day we found out, the day before she was…hit," he paused, feeling sick to his stomach just talking about it.

"Oh god, Steve," Danny moaned, dropping his head to his hand, hearing now the dreadful secret that he had indeed been harboring. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I didn't tell anyone Danny," he said. _'Except for Amber,'_ he thought guiltily, and for the first time he was angry with her, but not sure why. Her pregnancy was just as much his fault as it was hers, but he felt it nonetheless.

"I understand," Danny replied. "It was between you and Catherine. I'm just sorry that you had to take that on as well." The death of Catherine had been a horrible, tragic situation all around, but he'd had months now to come to grips with it while Steve was gone, but hearing of this new news just triggered a whole new set of sadness that he felt for his best friend, not sure that this would reconcile anytime soon.

"Are you ok?"

He didn't know how to answer that. And now more than ever he didn't know how to tell him about Amber. For the first time since they had walked out of that doctor's office, he wished maybe they hadn't.

"Yea, I'm ok," but his voice wasn't very convincing. "Danny, I need to tell you something."

"Ok."

Steve turned the words over in his head five different ways of how he was going to tell him that not only was Amber coming home with him but the baby furniture that Catherine had ordered would serve a purpose, but for two totally different people. It sounded like the storyline of a tragic play, yet he was living it. There was no delicate way to tell him so in the end he said nothing.

"Never mind."

"You sure? I'm listening."

"Yea, its nothing. I'll text you when I get my flight info, ok?"

"Ok. Do you want me to take that stuff over to my house? Just for now?" Thinking maybe he didn't want to see it at all.

Steve rubbed his hand over his mouth, not wanting to burden him anymore than he already had but not wanting Amber to see it either. "Yes…please, just put it in your garage, and I'll figure it out when I get back."

"Ok, let me know if there's anything else you need?"

"I will. Thanks, Danny."

"Hey," he said before hanging up. "I'm glad you're coming home."

"Yea, me too," he lied.

…..

Annabelle stood outside her running car that was parked on the curb at the Medford, Oregon airport.

Steve stood off to the side after already saying thank you for the ride and goodbye to her.

Amber came up and put her arms around the older woman's neck and hugged her.

Annabelle returned the heartfelt gesture, whispering in her ear. "You have my number honey. Anytime you need to talk to someone you can call me, anytime. You hear?"

Amber nodded, not knowing why it was so hard to leave her, but it was.

She backed away and wiped the tears from her eyes, "Thank you, Annabelle."

The words were simple but the expression in her eyes spoke of how much she really was thankful, "You remember what I said about you and the baby," she replied.

Amber nodded again, backing up toward Steve. "I'll call you, I promise."

"You have a safe flight."

She got back in her car and tooted the horn as she drove off.

Amber watched her until she disappeared around the bend and then turned to Steve. His expression a little perplexed over the closeness between the two women, not realizing Amber's attachment to Annabelle after only a few days.

"You ok?" he asked, wanting to ask her though what the old lady meant by '_you remember what I said about you and the baby'_, wondering what that was?

"Yes." She came and stood next to him. "I'm going to miss her."

Steve tilted his head, still confused over that, "You just met her. You barely know her."

"I know, but she was there for me and just had a way of saying all the right things."

"Like what?"

Amber shrugged, "Just women stuff."

"Hmm," Steve acknowledged her reply but left it at that, not sure he wanted to know. He glanced at his watch, "Our flight leaves in about thirty minutes. We better get checked in."

Amber picked up her backpack and slung it over her shoulder, following him into the small airport terminal. "So we fly to Portland, and then to Hawaii?"

"Yes."

"Are we sitting together?"

He glanced over his shoulder at her, "Of course. Why wouldn't we be?"

"I don't know. The tickets were kind of last minute so I wasn't sure we were." She asked not because they bought the tickets at the last minute, but because she had sensed something different about him all morning before they had left for the airport and then knew fore sure something was off during the hour and a half car ride. He'd barely said a word, spending most of the time glued to his phone or staring out the window while she sat in the front seat with Annabelle. She'd tried to engage him in conversations but he seemed less than enthused, giving one-word answers.

They checked their backpacks in and went to the gate, having a few more minutes before boarding.

They sat down next to the door that led out to the tarmac where they would board the smaller jet for the quick forty-five minute flight to Portland.

"That's a pretty small plane," Amber said, trying to strike up a conversation as Steve pulled out his phone once again.

"Yep," he replied without even looking up as he scanned through his emails.

"I'm not a big fan of flying," she added.

He said nothing, but moved from his emails to latest texts.

Amber stood up and crossed her arms, glaring down at him. "Look, if you want out of this thing, just say so! I can call Annabelle and she can turn around and pick me up!"

Steve looked up, startled over her outburst, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you," she replied angrily, "Do you want out? Because you're sure acting like it."

"Keep your voice down," he whispered loudly as he stood up.

"I will not! I want to know right now before I get on that plane!"

He looked at the anger in her eyes as she stared at him, knowing she had a right to ask, he had been acting differently.

She saw the guilt all over him as he sat back down, feeling her heart begin to race over the fact that maybe he did want out.

"I'm sorry, Amber," he said with a sigh.

For the first time since being pregnant, she felt sick.

"So you do want out," she whimpered.

He looked up at her, "What?! No!" he stood back up again, taking ahold of her elbow. "No, that's not what I mean. I mean I'm sorry for being…I don't know for being pissed I guess. I don't know, Amber, I'm sorry. It's not your fault." He sat back down again.

She sat next to him, "Why are you mad? Did I do something to make you mad?"

"No, its not you. It's just all of it. I'm nervous about going home."

"Oh," she replied softly, her anger quickly dissolved.

She had been so consumed about what it would be like for her to go back to Indiana in her condition that she never thought for a second what it would be like for Steve, bringing her home in her condition, especially so soon after his wife's death.

"We don't have to tell anyone about the baby," she suggested, not liking that idea but if it would help him, she'd do it.

"Its not something we can really hide."

"I know, but we don't have to advertise it either. Maybe it would be best if I found someplace else to live."

He had another golden opportunity to make that happen but once again he denied himself the chance. It was his responsibly to keep her and the baby safe until it was born. He wondered where his responsibly to Amber ended though, knowing the baby would be his number one priority for the rest of his life.

"It would be too expensive for you to live anywhere else. We need to save some money."

"I can get a job," she offered up.

"In your condition?" he chuckled.

Amber rolled her eyes at him, "I'm pregnant. I'm still very capable of walking and talking," she joked. "I've been through this before. I know what my limitations are and working isn't one of them."

Steve smiled, pleased that she was willing to help out that way. "Lets just get there and see how it goes. We'll play it by ear."

"One day at a time, right?" she added, using their hiking quote as motivation. "Can we still get up every morning and plan our daily strategy over a cup of coffee?"

And there she suddenly appeared, the Amber he'd been hiking with for over four months. In all the excitement and stress of the baby over the past couple of days, he'd lost track of the woman who was sitting next to him, until that very moment. It was familiar and extremely comforting when he let go the problems and just focused on her.

"I could put the tents up out back to get the real ambiance," he joked.

Amber laughed, "I like that idea, but I'm not boiling the water for the coffee or breakfast."

"What?" Steve teased, "You mean we can't have freeze dried oatmeal anymore?"

"Oh my god," Amber groaned, "I don't think I could even eat an oatmeal cookie ever again."

Steve laughed, reaching over and taking her hand, patting the top of it; "I promise I'll throw out all the oatmeal in the house when we get home."

She liked the way he phrased that, '_when we get home'_. She was afraid of being a stranger in his home, but as she sat next to him the camaraderie they had shared over the past four months outweighed the fear of the unknown, the same as it had on the trail.

They both looked up, hearing the announcement over the intercom for them to board.

"One day at a time," she repeated.

Steve nodded, "We got this, Amber. It'll be fine. Hell if we can overcome an avalanche and come out unscathed, then we can take on anything."

She laughed over that, finding the truth in that as well.

They both stood up, making their way toward the door that led to the plane.

"I want you to feel comfortable in my home, Amber. There won't be anything off limits to you."

She smiled, feeling relieved over that, "Thank you. Are you going to keep the beard as a souvenir?" she said, touching the ends of it that were about two inches past his chin.

He grinned, running his hand over it. "It's too hot there and I think Danny would find ways to tease me relentlessly over it," he chuckled.

"I can't wait to meet him in person," she said, assuming he had told Danny of all people that she was coming. "I'm anxious to hear some Steve stories."

Steve forced a smile and nodded, "He has plenty of those. You'll like him. He's a good guy." He felt a stab in his gut over the fact that he'd yet to tell Danny about Amber coming home with him, or even about the baby. And no he had led her to believe that Danny knew of her arrival as well, which he didn't.

They were both going to be blind-sided, but it was too late now. They were already headed in that direction.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen **

Steve looked over at a sleeping Amber that was sitting next to him on the Alaskan flight from Portland to Honolulu.

She was in the window seat with her head resting on one of her waded up sweatshirts against the wall.

To his pleasure the seat on the other side of him was vacant so he was able to stretch out as much as the small confined area allowed.

The flight was five and half hours long and they'd been in the air for over four.

She'd been asleep the last hour and a half and he'd spent his time watching a movie, but now it was over and he was left with his thoughts of the pending reunion with Danny.

He glanced at his watch seeing the time that was ticking down, wishing now he had come clean with both Danny and Amber. He'd put himself in a bad position, but he still didn't know how to tell Danny about the pregnancy. It was like he had this terrible, dreaded secret and it was all about to blow up in his face.

The plane hit an air pocket and Amber lifted her head off the sweatshirt.

"What was that?" she said with sleepy eyes.

Steve smiled, knowing she was a little nervous about flying over the ocean. He put a hand on her knee, calming her. "Nothing, just a little turbulence."

She laid her head back down. "Ok. I'd ask if we were almost there, but I know how you feel about that," she grinned.

"Very funny," he chuckled. "We have a little more than an hour, so go back to sleep."

"Hmmm, ok," she sighed, resting her head against the wall again and closing her eyes. "Wake me up once we can see land. I want to see it."

"Ok," he agreed, watching her as she drifted off.

A surreal feeling overcame him, not the first since this ordeal had begun. It had only been three days since they'd been sitting in that doctor's office in Ashland and with one swift move of his own hand, blocking her from getting up, his life had dramatically changed once again.

Everything had happened so fast. He'd barely had time to digest the baby and the next thing he knew he was inviting Amber home and now he was sitting on a plane going five hundred miles an hour in that direction without a clue as to how he was going to pull this off.

'_One day a time,'_ he thought, but that motto wasn't cutting it for him as much as it had on the trail.

He glanced over at Amber again, feeling that sense of security that she had given him on the trail. He'd come to rely on her more than he ever thought he would. She was a stability that gave him purpose and made him feel whole again, the very thing he'd been searching for when he left Hawaii close to six months before.

He thought of that night in the hotel that they had spent together. He didn't know it until later, but he'd been at his lowest points since Catherine's death.

Only realizing that now because ever since that night he'd been slowly recognizing himself again. His life had been one long pain staking day after day of survival, up until that night.

They'd needed each other in the worse way. He wasn't surprised now in the way it had come about. Maybe it wasn't as spontaneous as he had always thought. Maybe it was meant to be. The next morning he was ashamed and guilt ridden, but if he really felt that way, he thought, then why did he go back for the dress? Why did he feel so strongly that he needed something physical from that night to hold on to?

He felt the hair on his arms rise as he stared at Amber, wondering now if he took the dress because it would take the place of not having her as that physical thing to touch. Did he feel more for her than he thought he did? It was confusing. He didn't want to force it, feeling that romantic love for a woman was something you either felt or you didn't. It didn't have to be coaxed.

Amber was his friend, he cared about her as much as he did any other person in his life, maybe even as much as Danny.

But did he love her in the way that he did Catherine at one time?

'_No,'_ he thought, almost saddened by it. But at the same time the thought of being separated from her scared him to death. The hike was over but he still needed her. Confused as ever over those feelings. He'd never needed anyone in his life, not even Catherine for the first seven years of their relationship. Yet this woman that was sitting next to him, whom he'd only known a fraction of what he'd known Catherine was someone he needed. If it wasn't for the baby, he was almost sure they would have parted ways, which sent another chill down his spine, not liking that feeing at all.

For the first time since hearing of the news that sent him in a tailspin, he wasn't so anxious about this baby. As difficult as it will be, it will also keep Amber in his life, forever. That was comforting.

….

Amber walked beside him as they made their way to the baggage pick up. She glanced over the side of the walkway to the Japanese garden below that smelled of fresh flowers, even amongst the jet fuel from the planes that were everywhere the fragrance of the island overpowered it.

"It smells so fresh and clean here," she said. "And the air is so moist but not hot."

Steve chuckled over that, "Just wait. It can get pretty warm and humid here."

"Then you just go in the water and cool off," she suggested knowingly as she caught up with him again.

"That's one way of handling it."

"Is Danny picking us up," she asked, "or are we taking a cab or something else to your house?"

He felt a quick jab to his gut over that, deciding he'd better tell her something. "Um, Danny is, but Amber, about that," he said as he gently took her arm. They stopped in the middle of the busy corridor as people from their flight and others continued on, anxious to get their luggage and begin their vacation in paradise.

She looked at him as he shifted his weight and nervously ran his hand down his beard, not making eye contact with her. It was obvious he had something uncomfortable to say to her. She waited, becoming a little uneasy as well over it when it suddenly dawned on her what it more than likely was about.

"He doesn't know about the baby, does he?" she blurted out, her eyes focused on his that finally met hers.

"He doesn't know you're coming either," he replied quietly.

The look on her face changed from shock to disappointment in a matter of seconds. She looked as if she might cry right there, in turn making him feel worse than he already did.

"Amber, it's not that I didn't want to tell him…"

"Yes it was, otherwise you would have." She turned away from him and walked up to a large glass window that looked out on the runway and some green mountains in the distance. The scene was picture worthy but she didn't see it through the tears as she tried desperately to hold back. Was he just going to hide her and the baby forever?

He gave her a few seconds before he came up behind her, hoping that he hadn't actually caused her to cry.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, standing directly behind her. "I'm glad you're here with me, Amber. I really am. But this is still a difficult situation. You have to see that." He decided to just come clean about it all. "When I talked to Danny yesterday, he told me that some baby furniture had been delivered to the house a while back. Catherine had ordered it. I didn't know it. I hadn't told him that she was pregnant until yesterday. The plan of telling him about you and the baby at that moment was…" he paused and sighed, "I just couldn't do it. I was going to, I swear I was Amber. The timing was so bad that the words just wouldn't come out."

She closed her eyes, understanding full well his dilemma, just wishing that she wasn't the recipient or the cause of it.

"I didn't want to blindside you or Danny, but I didn't know how to tell you that I hadn't told him about you. I didn't want to hurt you, but I knew it would."

She wiped away the moisture from her eyes and turned slightly but still not facing him. "I understand," she replied. "You can go and meet him. I'll take a cab to your house."

"What?" he replied, not sure at first what she meant. "No! That's not what I'm saying. I just wanted to tell you now before we got to baggage." He gently took her by the arms when she still wouldn't look at him. "Hey," he said gently, but firm. "I'm glad you're here. I want you here. I made a mistake not telling Danny. Its not because I don't want him to know about you."

"I'm not sure this was the right idea," she whimpered, wondering if she could get a hotel that night and then maybe a flight back to Indiana, cringing over that thought, but she felt like he had left her with no choice.

"Amber," he let go of her arms and took her right hand in both of his, frightened that she might leave, "please look at me," he pleaded.

She finally did and he could see the sadness and now uncertainty that he had put forth by not being honest with her.

"I want you here. When we were on the plane and you were asleep, I started to think about what would have been like if we parted ways. I didn't like it. I know this is going to be hard for both of us, and maybe for people here, but you have to know that I have your back going forward, I promise."

"What if Danny doesn't agree. I know he's like a brother to you, which means he was close to Catherine too. What if he doesn't approve of me, or the baby?"

Steve smiled, squeezing her hand, "That won't happen. The only one he's going to be pissed at is me, for not telling him in the first place. Trust me, in time, he'll be just as much of an ally to you as me."

She smiled over that, feeling a little better about Danny, but she also couldn't help but wonder if this was going to be a pattern for him with other people who had been friends with he and Catherine, not sure exactly what her roll was in his life now that she was here, besides baby incubator.

"Are you good?" he asked, seeing her smile but not getting a verbal response from her. "Am I forgiven for my gross error?"

Amber looked up at him, seeing the man whom she'd trusted over the past four months and had never let her down before. "Of course you are."

He let go of her hand and smiled with a heavy sigh of relief. "I won't let you down again, Amber. I promise," he lied, but not intentionally.

…..

Amber slowed her pace, easing just a step behind Steve as they made their way to the baggage claim area. She wasn't before, but she was now, hesitant on meeting Danny in person for the first time.

Steve scanned the area and they saw each other at the same time, a wide grin showing on both of their faces, happy to see each other after so long.

Danny came towards them with his eyes focused on Steve and his appearance that looked nothing like him.

"Holly crap!" Danny busted up, "you really do look like Grizzly Adams," he laughed. "I barely even recognized you."

They did a quick hug and Danny grabbed his arm and turned him to the side. "Look at all that hair on your head!"

Steve laughed, "I know, I know. I'm in desperate need of a razor and a barber."

"Thank god you agree!" Danny exclaimed, "I was worried you were getting used to that look."

Steve turned to his side not seeing Amber. He turned around, spotting her standing a few feet back from them. It pained him that she looked so nervous and uncomfortable, knowing it was his fault.

"Hey," he said going to her, reaching out and taking her by the elbow. "What are you doing way over here," he smiled, leading her toward Danny.

"I thought I would just let you ease me in."

"No reason, I told you, I'm glad you're here and I want you to meet everyone." He put a hand on her back as he looked over at Danny whose expression was a little perplexed at first and then turned to shock over recognizing Amber from pictures Steve had sent and the couple of FaceTime calls that had been made.

"Danny." Steve said, "This is Amber. My hiking buddy."

His expression showed his utter surprise over the introduction, as he looked from Steve to Amber.

"Wow," he said, "looking back up at Steve, "you didn't tell me Amber was coming," he smiled cunningly at him, assuming they were more than just friends for him to bring her home with him, wondering too if this was the reason they had cut the hike short. It didn't matter, he was happy that she was there because it was obvious Steve was. He went over to her with a wide grin. "Amber," he said happily, "great to meet you in person." He stuck his hand out.

Amber instantly felt a liking to him, taking his hand. "Its nice to meet you too, Danny. I've heard so many nice things about you."

"Ha," Danny laughed, looking over at Steve. "Did you pay her to say that?"

"Fifty bucks," Steve joked. "You don't want to know what I really say about you, Danny."

"Couldn't be as bad as the things I say about you," he countered with a wink to Amber.

She smiled over the friendly banter, liking him even more now.

"All I can say, Amber," Danny sighed, "is that you must be the most patient person in the world to hike with this guy for the past four months. You have my undying respect."

Amber laughed, "Well thank you Danny, it has been a challenge here and there." She smiled up at Steve as he narrowed his eyes, wondering where she was going with this. "But overall, I have to say it was really the best time I ever had."

He liked that. "It was a good trip."

"So why cut it short?" Danny asked, still perplexed over that.

Steve looked at Amber and could see her face blush as she looked down, knowing this was not the time nor the place by any means to reveal their secret.

"We wanted sand in our toes and no more snow," was all Steve said.

She looked up at him and he winked at her, telling her that was all that would be said about it, for now.

"I can't believe you went in the first place," Danny said, "but it turned out well. I'm glad you're home and that you obviously brought the best part of the trip back with you," he smiled over at Amber.

"Thank you, Danny." She felt at ease once again, putting the earlier incident with Steve behind her.

"Hey, there's our packs," Steve said pointing at the luggage carrousel.

"How far is it to your house from here?" Amber asked as they made their way over to their backpacks.

"About thirty five, forty minutes," Danny answered.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom then really quick," she said with a sheepish grin. "I'll be right back."

Danny waited until she turned the corner to where the restrooms were located before he went up to Steve who was just pulling her backpack off the carrousel and setting it next to his.

"I understand now why you wanted me to bring your truck. So…?" he asked, looking at him for an explanation.

"So, what?"

"What do mean what? Amber's what? You bring her home with you and you act like its nothing. This is something!"

"It's not like that Danny. We're just friends."

"You're just…" he laughed. "You're just friends? Really?"

Steve stood his ground, "Yes."

"Then why is she here and why did you stop the hike?"

Steve glanced over in the direction of the bathrooms, "It's a long story, and not one I want to get into with you right now, ok?" he said firmly.

"Ok, ok, nothings going on, I get it. So…she's staying with you?"

"Yes," Steve replied.

"For how long?"

Steve's expression showed his irritation over the continued questioning, "I don't know, a while maybe."

"And there's nothing going on between you? You're just friends, right?"

Steve didn't reply but just gave him that same annoyed look.

"I bet you missed the hell out of me," Danny said with a teasing grin. "Aren't you glad to be home?"

"Thrilled," he replied, rolling his eyes as he glanced back over in the direction of the bathrooms, seeing Amber walking toward them. " Here she comes. Just let it go for now, Danny."

"All right. I hear ya." He turned around and smiled at Amber. "You all ready to go?"

"Yes," she replied, looking over at Steve, wondering if he had told him while she was in the bathroom.

He saw the question in her eyes and shook his head, letting her know it was still their secret.

She wondered then when he would tell him, nine months from now perhaps?

…..

Steve drove the truck with Amber in the front seat and Danny in the back. The conversation on the ride home consisted mainly of how Steve and Amber had met. He'd allowed Amber to finally divulge the humiliating story of him chasing the kid stark naked.

Danny laughed at one point so hard that he had a hard time catching his breath, snorting a few times as well.

"Oh my god," Danny gasped, wiping his eyes, "that's the funniest story I think I've ever heard. I swear I can picture you running and not even giving it a second thought that you were as naked as a jaybird." He started laughing again just picturing it in his head.

"Yea, yea, laugh it up," Steve chuckled. "I'm just glad you weren't there to witness the live show."

"I would have paid a million dollars to see that."

Steve smiled brightly as he turned the corner toward his house, seeing it in the distance down the long driveway. "Ahhh look at that," he sighed. "I would have paid a million dollars to see that a few times over the past six months."

Amber turned in her seat from talking with Danny and looked out the windshield at the red house they were driving up to, complete with the white picket fence.

"Is that it?" she asked with a hint of excitement in her voice.

"Yep," Steve replied, happy to be home but at the same time he felt a wave of grief overcome him, recalling why he had left in the first place. The smile slowly faded from his face as he pulled up and stopped next to Catherine's blue Corvette.

Danny looked over at him, seeing the change that Amber hadn't.

"Is that your car?" she asked, surprised that he would drive a Corvette.

He shook his head as he and Danny got out. "No, it was Catherine's." He tried to sound matter-of-fact, but his voice couldn't hide the sadness of coming home again without her.

Amber sat in the seat stunned over his reply, but it wasn't the car that had her shaken up as much as it was the first sign of knowing that she would be coming into a home where another woman had been; a woman that he loved very much.

She couldn't bring herself to get out of the truck.

Danny stopped as Steve turned, noticing that Amber wasn't behind them. He looked in the passenger seat and knew by the expression on her face that she was feeling the impact of his response. He had mixed feelings about it; feeling sorry for her because of the awkward situation he was bringing her into, but knowing it couldn't be helped. It was what it was. They were in this together and he had to adjust to her feelings of being in the house where his deceased wife had been and find a way to make her feel comfortable despite that.

He opened up her car door as she looked over at him with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Steve. This must be very hard for you. I know you want me to feel welcome here, but I also know that having me here is going to be difficult for you, especially with the baby. I think I'm just now coming to terms with the impact of it all."

He was equally stunned now by her revelation. She was worried more about him than she was about herself. He knew that about her from the hike, seeing her generosity in that way several times, never taking advantage of it but appreciating it every time it did happen, including now.

The mention of the baby gave him a revelation of his own. He became very mindful of her feelings as well.

She was pregnant with his child that was true, yet it wasn't that thought that had him most concerned about the pregnancy, it was the emotional strain that she would go through once the baby began to grow and move. He knew without a doubt that she would be reminded of Adam and Ava during this transitional period almost constantly, the same as he will be reminded of Catherine during his transition.

"Amber," he said, reaching in and putting his hand over top of hers, "I'm not going to lie and say that this is easy for me because its not, and it's not easy for you either, nor is it going to get easier for you with the baby and your memory of carrying Adam and Ava. I know you think about them even more now, the same as I do about her even more now that I'm home. But we're in this together and I want you here. I think it's the best place for you." He hadn't been so sure of that until that very second. She needed him, and in a way he needed her too, being alone in the house he feared would take him right back to that dark place he had been before he left for the PCT. She was a good distraction from that, a great one.

She had come to trust him over the past four months and did so now. She was relieved that he understood about the pregnancy without having to try and explain it to him. He was insightful that way, making her mindful once again what a good husband he must have been to his wife.

"Day by day, right?" she said to him with a gentle smile.

He reciprocated her gesture and squeezed her hand, "Day by day."

The sadness that had overcome him earlier was miraculously gone. He felt that same sense of calm that he did the night in the hotel room.

"Come inside, Amber," he said, backing up and guiding her out of the truck, still holding her hand.

She felt a flutter in her heart over the way he was looking at her, reminding her of another time that he had looked at her in the same way.

The fear of going inside was gone.

Danny raised an eyebrow over their conversation, not hearing it, but seeing it.

'_Nothings going on between them?_' he thought, mocking Steve's story. '_I call_ _bullshit._'

He believed both of them when they said nothing was physically going on between them, their adamant attitude towards it convinced him, but he also wondered why they were in such denial over it because it was plain as day that they had feelings for one another.

He clearly saw that 'something' was going on, obviously more so than either of them did.

"The yard looks great," Steve said to him as he and Amber walked past him toward the front door. "Thanks for keeping an eye on the place."

"Yea, sure thing. You're welcome. Glad I could be of assistance. We're friends and friends do stuff like that for each other."

Steve glanced over his shoulder, looking at him oddly over that last statement. "Yea, I guess so." He opened the front door and came inside followed by Amber, smiling at the familiar contents and the smell of home.

She came in the family room and looked around at the cozy leather furniture and big screen TV that was sitting on a dark wooded entertainment center. The kitchen toward the back of the house was open to the older dinning room table and the view through the French Doors to the ocean was spectacular.

"Steve," she said in awe, "I love it!"

He smiled, pleased that she did. He pointed up the stairs; "There's two bedrooms and two bathrooms upstairs."

She looked up there and nodded, knowing one of the bedrooms was hers'; they wouldn't be sharing one. She turned to him, "I really like it."

He came and stood next to her. "I'm glad. I want you to feel at home here. Nothing is off limits, Amber."

"Thank you. I do feel at home already."

"We'll get you settled and then maybe we can go get a bite to eat. I don't have any food in the house."

"Sounds good, I'm starving."

"Danny," Steve said, "do you want to come? My treat."

He stared at him, still trying to come to terms with this new mysterious person that had entered their lives. He knew of Amber from the calls on the trail, and the little bits and pieces that Steve had given him, including the deaths of her children at the hands of her ex, but was still unclear why she was there. The fact that he was on a need to know basis was insulting. She was a part of Steve's life now so in turn she was a part of his as well, but I guess he wasn't good enough to know details.

"No, I think I'm just going to go," he said curtly, feeling a little irked at the questions that were never answered. "You two enjoy your dinner date, or friend date or whatever it is." They both heard the sarcasm in his voice. He turned to leave when Steve spoke up, knowing it was grossly unfair to keep him in the dark any longer. Besides, if he really wanted Amber to feel at home, then it was up to him to make her feel that way. Telling Danny about the baby was his first duty.

"Danny wait." he looked over at Amber with a desperate expression. "We should tell him."

"Now?" she asked surprised over his suggestion, but was glad that he didn't want to hide the pregnancy like she had thought. "Ok," she swallowed nervously, wondering what Danny's reaction was going to be. "Maybe I should go for a walk," she suggested, not really wanting to be a part of that conversation incase the name Catherine came up. "I think it would be best."

Steve got the hint loud and clear. "Ok."

Amber touched him on the arm as she walked past him as a small gesture of support. "I think I'll go for a stroll down that pretty beach outside."

"What is going on?" Danny asked as she went out the back door.

Steve nervously ran his hand down his still bearded face and then motioned to the couch, "You better sit down. I have some news."

…

Amber came up from the beach about an hour later, hoping it was ok for her to return considering she was really getting hungry and had to use the restroom.

As she came up the backyard she saw Steve rise out of a patio chair. She glanced around but didn't see Danny anywhere.

"How was your walk? Do you like my island?" he asked greeting her at the end of the cement lanai where the yard began.

"It's very impressive. I've never seen water so blue."

"I'll take you out on a boat," he said, "it gets even bluer."

She smiled over that and looked past him again into the house. "Is he still here?"

"No, he got a call and had to take off."

"How did it go?"

"Pretty good I guess. He was shocked but in the end he's happy for me. For us."

"I know being a police officer he had lots of questions, didn't he?"

Steve chuckled and sat down in the chair again. "Yes he did."

"Is he…" she paused feeling a little anxious about her question, "skeptical of me?"

"No, Amber, not at all. He likes you very much."

She smiled brightly over that, "He does?"

"Of course! Who wouldn't like you?" he added playfully.

She rolled her eyes shyly at his sweet comment. "Oh I can think of a couple of people, one in particular."

Steve tilted his head in question over that reply that sounded sincere, "Who?"

She rolled her eyes again but in a distasteful manner, "Chris, Kevin's partner. He sent me a nasty text a couple of days ago."

"What?!" Steve rose out of the chair, his anger igniting over that, "What did it say? Did he threaten you, Amber?"

She shook her head, a little startled over his swift escalation to come to her defense. "No, not really. I deleted it and blocked his number."

"If he contacts you again, you tell me."

She looked at him surprised, never seeing this side of him before. "Ok, but I don't think he will."

"But if he does, you'll tell me right?"

"Yes."

"Good," he put a hand on her shoulder, "If he does it again, I'll take care of it. Don't respond to him, I will."

She couldn't help but smile over that. It had been a long time since anyone had stuck up for her like that. "What would you say?"

"Don't worry about it, I'd get my point across and believe me, he'd catch it too."

Amber laughed, "I'm kinda hoping he does text me again. I would love for someone to put that arrogant asshole in his place."

"There's no need for him to be contacting you. That's harassment and the one thing I hate above all else," he said with a low growl, "is a bully."

He had been many things to her over the past couple of months, a partner, someone she could rely on and trust, a protector when she needed it, he'd been a good friend even a lover, but she had a new label for him that she felt suited him at that moment, a warrior. He was going above and beyond what she had expected, believing every word he'd said, not just because he was always true to his words, but by the way that he had said it. It was beyond sincere and she could see the anger in his eyes that was put there only because someone had tried to hurt her. The warmth that spilled over to her from it felt amazing. She was in another world that she hadn't even known existed until she met him. It was genuine and true and safe, but above all else she felt valued. He cared enough to go to battle for her, that alone was something she had never experienced before.

He was quickly gaining a new title as well in her eyes…hero.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter Seventeen**

Danny came out of his garage carrying one of the boxes of baby furniture that had been delivered to Steve's house.

Steve helped him as he slid it into the back of his truck.

"So after the baby is born, what then?" Danny asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You and Amber? What then?"

Steve shrugged, "We raise the baby."

Danny busted out laughing over the statement that sounded just a bit too naïve' for him. "You raise…" he tried to repeat his words and then busted out laughing again.

"What?! What is so funny about that?" Steve asked annoyed over his laughing.

"You man." He chuckled, leaning against the tailgate of the truck, "So you and Amber are just going to raise the baby and play Mommy and Daddy and pretend that nothing else exists?"

"What do you mean? You're not making any sense."

"No, you aren't. I'm talking about you and Amber."

Steve rolled his eyes and started walking back toward the garage for the next box. "I told you there is no me and Amber. We're just friends."

Danny stood his ground by the truck, "I was wrong then when I thought you were coming home because you were ready to move on with your life. You're still in denial and you're still fighting it."

Steve picked up a smaller of the two boxes left and carried it back out to the truck. "It was one night Danny. We were drunk and it just happened."

"So why did you keep the baby then?"

Steve looked at him irritably, "Because! What kind of question is that?"

"If she means nothing to you and that night meant nothing to you then why would this baby mean anything to you?" he felt the choice of words rather harsh but if he wanted to get his point across he had to be blunt.

"I didn't say that Amber meant nothing to me!" he blasted him, feeling the need to defend their relationship and that night against Danny's disrespectful remarks. "And as far as that night goes, I didn't just fall on top of her and then roll off. Jesus Danny. What are you thinking?"

"Oh!" Danny said, nodding as if he was getting the picture now, "So there are feelings there between you and Amber? It wasn't just a drunken thing?"

"Of course there are feelings. We were both in a bad place and we both needed something to pull us out and then it happened…and it was good, you know…she helped me…and I helped her," he quickly pointed out. "But we're here now and we respect each other and we can do this. She's amazing and strong and resilient. She's easy going and sees me for who I am, and I can see her the same way. We work well together."

Danny crossed his arms and smiled at him, feeling he had accomplished what he set out to do, get the real, deep down truth from him. "But yet you don't have feelings for her in any other way besides just a friend?" he let out a small grunt. "I have to call bullshit, because you just described the perfect woman for you."

Steve slid the box in, ignoring that last piece of forthright information.

"Just hear me out," Danny explained, using his fingers to count off his points. "First off you agree to take her on as a partner during the PCT which you originally insisted on doing alone, second, you almost lose her in an avalanche which you can't tell me didn't scare the shit out of you, because I still heard it in your voice three days after the incident when you called me. Third, you carelessly sleep with her," he continued, using his fingers as quotations, "claiming you were "drunk", which again I'm calling bullshit because I've seen you drunk and you always have your wits about you. And then she turns up pregnant, and you invite her home to live in your house for however long and to raise the baby together, yet you have no feelings for her outside of friendship?" he couldn't help but chuckle over that. "Let me ask you one question and then I'll leave it be, and tell me the truth," he pointed at him. "Are you relieved now that you don't have to face the end of the hike and part ways with her?"

It was the one question he'd been avoiding and even preventing himself from thinking about because he hated it, and he hated that Danny had nailed it. It wasn't so much that Danny had pointed it out than it was the things that he himself had done that Danny didn't know about. Like why did he shave off his beard that night he slept with her? It wasn't because it was bugging him or that he felt he looked too grubby to go out in public, it was because he wanted to look presentable to Amber. Was it an attempt to seduce her, he wondered? And the one question that was above all the others, which he could never really answer.

Why did he keep her dress? If the night supposedly meant nothing, then why keep it?

There were other questions that were undeniable as well. Why did he feel the need to want her again and again after that night?

He leaned back against the tailgate and put his hands over his face, the impact of his true feelings coming to light even as he tried to fight it off.

"I can't, Danny," he said rattled over this new revelation. "I can't feel things like that for her, I just can't."

"Well to be quite honest Steve, I don't think you can help it. It's there, you better face it."

He let his hands slide down his face as he looked as his best friend, knowing it was impossible to hide the truth from him. "Don't make me go there, Danny, please."

"You have to move on Steve. If this is a chance for you then you need to take it."

"It's not that easy Danny."

"Yes it is!"

"Maybe from your side," he argued, "but not from ours. There are interferences from both of our pasts that make it impossible to…" he held his hands out trying to find a word.

"To what?" Danny defended his argument, "feel safe, normal, healthy, god forbid love. Listen to yourself, Steve. What are you going to do when this baby comes, are you going to love it?"

"Of course I am!"

"Then why can't you let yourself love the mother too?"

He slammed the tailgate of the truck closed, "I don't feel about her that way," he growled.

"Yes you do," Danny pestered. "She's perfect for you. That's why you slept with her and why you brought her home with you. This interference you talk about, they're ghosts."

"Shut up!" Steve shouted, "You don't know what you're saying! You think it's so easy to just move on and live happily ever after. What about you?! I don't see you re-married with another family?"

"I date. Just because I'm not re-married doesn't mean I don't want it. At least I'm giving it a shot and not pretending I'm happy, like you."

"You know what the difference is Danny between you and me?" he leaned in to him. "Rachel and Gracie didn't die. You play around with that scenario when the two of you were in love and then you talk to me about moving on. Until then, you don't know what the hell you're talking about."

He walked past him to the driver's side of the truck, ignoring the other box that was left in the garage, wanting out of this conversation.

Danny grabbed his arm, "Hey, I'm sorry, ok. If you don't love her, you don't love her." he felt maybe he had pushed too hard, letting it go, for now. "Are you coming back to work tomorrow?"

Steve paused as Danny let go of his arm. "Yes, I'll be in tomorrow morning." He went to open the door of the truck and stopped with his hand on it, "Maybe in another life we might have felt differently. I know she's on the same page as me. We've never even talked about that night we spent together, not really. We woke up the next morning and never said a word about it, not even after we found out she was pregnant." He looked over at him, "She doesn't want it either."

"Ok," Danny said. "I get it now." But he didn't, knowing that he was straight out lying, maybe not intentionally to him but he was definitely lying to himself. He didn't know Amber enough to judge her, but had a pretty good idea that she was too.

….

Steve unloaded the boxes into the garage. Shipping them back to the mainland where they came from would end up costing almost as much as what Catherine had paid for them, so he was stuck with them. Not sure if it was the style that Amber would want for their baby, or how she would even feel about using those in particular, neither did he.

He came in the front door and glanced around the empty room not seeing her. He came into the kitchen and saw her thru the open french doors out back. He recognized the shorts and tank top she had on as an outfit from the hike, making a mental note to take her shopping. The only clothes she had were from the PCT and if it was one thing she needed above all else in her wardrobe, it was a bathing suit.

She stood in the water up to her knees, looking out at the horizon.

He watched as she bent over and touched the water with her fingertips, knowing she wouldn't venture out any further after confessing to him that she was afraid of the water. When she was a child she had almost drowned and as an adult, Kevin had tried to break her of the fear by taking her out on the boat one night, claiming they were just going for a romantic cruise on the lake, but once out in the middle he had thrown her overboard and driven off, leaving her floating with a lifejacket for only a few minutes, but it seemed liked hours until he finally came back for her, stating it was tough love, but to her it only increased her fear.

It made him mindful of the everyday horrible life she must have led at the hands of that prick. He had tortured her inside and out, and in the end tried to kill her with pain and grief, but she was stronger than he was, crawling out the terrible abyss that her ex had thrown her into.

She deserved to be happy, he thought, wanting that for her more than anything else.

He came out to the backyard and she turned around, hearing her name as he greeted her.

"Hi," she smiled. "I'm just cooling off a bit. It's so beautiful but it's also so hot today. The water is so calm."

"You'll get used to the weather," Steve replied standing on the beach. "It stays pretty sandy for a ways," he said, suggesting she go out further.

"Hmm," was all she said, glancing back out to the turquoise blue ocean, wanting to venture out just for the sheer pleasure of the cool water, but the unknown kept her at bay.

He knew she wanted more, slipping his shoes off.

He came and stood next to her. "How about if we just go a little ways at a time? I'll stay with you."

She looked up at him and then out to the vast ocean in front of her.

"You promise to stay with me? And if I want to stop we can stop?"

"Of course, and," he smiled, "of course."

She looked back up at him again and smiled shyly, "Ok then. Do you want to go put your suit on?"

"Nope," Steve replied, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it up on the beach with his shoes. "No need."

She hadn't seen him shirtless since the night in the hotel room. He'd kept that impressive body hidden underneath layers of warm clothes on the hike and now t-shirts. She was well aware of the strength that it held, having been saved from it once under a layer of snow as he pulled her out, and then again as he made love to her, using just his arm at one point to lift her up closer so he could kiss her, recalling the wonderful feel of it that intensified the moment. It was one of his best moves from that night, among several others.

He held his hand out to her, offering her the extra support. "Three steps?" he asked.

She looked at his open hand and then at the bearded man whose smile was partially hidden, but she knew it well, taking his hand without any hesitation, trusting him.

They took three steps but only gained a few inches of water depth.

"That seemed kind of pointless," Amber said. "How about three more?"

They moved on as the water reached the top of her thighs and touched the bottom of their shorts.

"That seemed like a good number," Steve said. "How about six steps this time?"

"Ok," she agreed. "Six more?"

"Sure," he agreed, pleased that she seemed eager.

They took the next six, which brought the water level up to her waist.

He felt her squeeze his hand.

"Do you want to stop here?" he asked, sensing her fear and not wanting to push her in the least.

"Um," she nervously hesitated, looking behind her at the beach that was only a few feet away, which was almost as comforting as his hand that she held. "No, lets do six more."

"Ok," he replied, feeling triumphant that he was actually helping her. He kept a close eye on her, not wanting this experience to be a negative one. She lived on Hawaii now and he felt it important that she not fear the water. It was a huge part of his life and he wanted she and especially the baby to enjoy it as much as he did.

They went the next steps as the water level reached her chest.

"Ok, that's enough," Amber halted, squeezing tightly to his hand.

"Ok, this is good," he quickly agreed, hearing the fear in her voice. "You did well. Do you want to go back now?"

The water felt good, that she couldn't deny and she felt calmed with him there. "No, I'm ok. It feels good."

"It does feel good," Steve agreed. "I swim out here a lot. Sometimes at night."

"Oh my god!" Amber laughed, "Are you out of your mind? At night?"

"Sure. Believe it or not, it's very peaceful. I just float and look up at the sky. It's awesome."

She looked down at the crystal clear water that wasn't as dark and scary as she had thought it would be.

"Can we try it now?" she asked. "Floating? I've never done it before."

He was surprised that she was willing. "Sure, if you want to."

She held tightly on to his hand, "All right."

"The key is to keep air in your lungs at all times, that's what makes you float. So when you breathe out, just do a little at a time. It's like a meditation thing so you have to be calm."

She nodded her understanding, demonstrating for him by taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly and then breathing in again right away, "Like that?"

"Perfect" he smiled. "Take in a deep breath and just lay back in the water. You're first natural reaction will be to look down your body, don't do that, look up at the sky and keep your chin up. I'll hold you at first until you get your balance." He let go of her hand and placed one behind her neck and the other on the lower part of her back.

"Ok." She took in a deep breath as instructed and laid back in the water, raising her feet and keeping her chin up. She glanced over at him with just her eyes as he smiled at her effort.

"Good," he said, holding her steady. "You feel ok?"

Her ears where under the water but she could hear his muffled voice, "Yes," she replied, spreading her arms out and staring up at the blue sky, focusing on a white cloud that floated by, feeling confident. "Let go," she said.

"Ok, here I go." He slowly took his hands away and the second he removed the one from her neck, her head went under and she panicked, letting out the air as she quickly sank.

Steve grabbed her around the chest and hoisted her out of the water as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"It's ok, I got you," he said as calmly as he could, moving them both to shallower water.

She slowly let go from around his neck when she felt her feet touch the sandy bottom. "I'm sorry," she quickly apologized, resting her hands on his shoulders.

"For what?" he said, still holding her around the waist. "It was my fault, I shouldn't have let go all the way."

"No, it was me. I told you too. I shouldn't have panicked. You said I had to stay calm."

"Let's go back up," he said.

"No, I want to try again."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." She was even more nervous now but didn't want to look like a coward in his eyes. "I'll do it right this time."

He got the strangest feeling that she wasn't doing it for herself but for him, wondering if that's how it was in her life with her ex as well. Pleasing him was more important than her own needs.

"Amber," he said, watching as her head darted back forth looking down at the water as if something might come up and bite her. "Amber," he said again, more calmly until she finally looked at him.

"Yes?" she was face to face with him with her hands still on his shoulders and his arm around her waist, the sandy bottom under their toes.

"I don't care if you can't float. A lot of people can't float. I want you to feel comfortable in the water, that's more important. But it's up to you not me to find where that comfort level lies, and if you never feel it, then so be it. It's not your fault."

"I really want to feel comfortable. It feels nice in this water. I just feel so foolish for being scared."

"Don't feel that way. Everyone has their fears and it's no ones place to tell them their wrong."

She smiled over that, loving that he always just let her be who she was.

"What are you afraid of?" she asked. "Probably nothing." She looked upon him in the same way that she felt about him, with admiration and in awe of his ability to make her feel good about herself.

He was afraid of all sorts of things, but right then at that moment the feel of her up against him and the way she looked with her hair slicked back and the drips of water on her eyelashes he wanted to say, 'her'. He was deathly afraid of how he felt with her in his arms again. She made him feel like a man, which was scary as hell when it was Amber Scott that was the focus of it, knowing what she was capable of doing to him with that body.

"A lot of things," was his response.

She loved that he could be honest with her and admit that when most men wouldn't. It just made him that much more trustworthy.

"Lets try it again," Amber said. "I'm feeling more relaxed now."

"No," he let go and moved back away from her, feeling a side of him that could become vulnerable being so close to her like that. "There's a pool not far from here. You could go there and practice. It might be easier and less stressful than trying it in the ocean."

"I won't freak out again," she quickly defended. "I promise."

"Maybe we can try again later."

"Please Steve," she pleaded; wanting to prove to him that she could do it. "Just let me try it one more time."

He couldn't turn her down, she wanted it too badly and it was he after all that had suggested it in the first place.

They stood in shallower water now as she stretched her arms out and leaned back, taking in a deep breath and looking up at him with a smile, doing all the things he had instructed her too. He laid his hand behind her head and the other under her lower back as before, holding her as she tilted her head back with her chin up.

Her feet slowly raised out of the water as they both held steady.

She closed her eyes and breathed slowly out, taking in another deep one, repeating it over and over.

He looked down at her face as he held the back of her head, watching her; her eyes were closed so he had the freedom to do so, which was not a wise decision on his part. Her long auburn hair floated in the water around her head and it catapulted him back to that night when he looked down at her, seeing that very similar image just before he kissed her.

He stared at her lips now, knowing the sweet taste of them when he had kissed them once before. The temptation to touch them again was overwhelming as she lied there innocently enough with her clothes clinging tightly to her wet body. Her nipples that he'd once caressed with both his hands and mouth were erect and tempting him even further.

He was looking at Amber, but it wasn't the woman whom he had brought home to Hawaii to live with him in separate rooms, she was the Amber from that night who clung to him and called out his name in the sweetest and sexiest way as he made love to her. It was surreal that they were in fact the same person.

He heard Danny's argument in his head telling him that she was the perfect woman for him.

Amber opened her eyes and looked up at him, "Ok, let me go," she said to him, feeling confident that she had the ability of floating on her own.

Whereas he didn't want the physical contact with her before, now he didn't want to let go of it. He had a life long bond with her that was growing steadily inside of her womb, if he felt this way about her now then wouldn't that bond and admiration grow even more over time?

He heard Danny's argument again; _"If this is a chance for you then you need to take it."_

"Steve?" Amber said more firmly, trying to get his attention as she lay there holding steady her position as his eyes slowly moved up her body to her face. She felt weightless in the water but it was more so from the impacting stare coming from him as he looked at her.

She didn't have to read his mind to see the signs of what he was thinking, it was written all over his face. No one had ever looked at her like that before…except for him, four months ago in a hotel room in Chester, California.

'_Why now,'_ she thought. _'After all this time of being together, why did he look at her like that now?' _

She could only think of one reason, and it was too close to home for her now.

'_Catherine.'_

She rolled away from him in the water and stood up in the waist high surf.

"I'll try again later," she said, backing away from him toward the beach as he continued to stare at her, only his expression confused now over her quick getaway.

"Amber," he began when she cut him off.

"I'm going to go change," she blurted out, fighting her way through the water to the beach and then ran up the yard toward the house.

Steve turned away and faced the ocean, suspicious of his own feelings, wondering where that came from all of a sudden, but before he had a chance to decipher it, he closed his eyes, seeing her running away from him up the beach. Had he pushed her too hard in the water, or had she read his mind, hoping it wasn't the latter of the two.

"What are you doing," he groaned, cupping his hands in the water as he bent over, splashing it up in his face as if needing to wake himself out of the reckless trance he had been in.

Amber came up on the deck and turned, seeing him dive into the water and swim out. "Damn him," she whispered. "Why now? Everything was perfect."

She ran her hands over her wet hair, ringing out the ends. "I know why, it's her. She's everywhere," she sighed. She looked into the house and pictured Catherine walking around, suddenly feeling like an intruder in his life. _'I don't belong here. It's only making it harder on him, and on me. We don't need that right now.' _ She felt her heart sink, wondering why she had let him talk her into coming.

"Because you're pregnant," she said out loud, sitting down in the patio chair as she dried off in the heat, looking into the house that had taken on a new feeling.

She wasn't angry as much as she was saddened, both in Steve and herself. She recalled a time not long after they had slept together when she had almost kissed him and he'd rejected her, but it wasn't because of her, it was because of 'her', she thought, seeing her ghostly image once again in the house.

_'I can't compete with that,'_ she thought. _'And he can't promise you that he won't walk out that door and never come back. People die in the blink of an eye. You can't go through that again,' _she thought sadly, thinking of Adam and Ava. '_He's just confused right now and maybe lonely since being home. He really doesn't feel that way about you. He's just lonely.' _

She turned in the chair looking out at the water as he made his way back to the beach. '_And you don't feel that way about him either,'_ she convinced herself until he came out of the water and scooped up his shirt and shoes off the beach, making his way to her. The water dripped from his wet hair and chest as she stared at the sculptured body that walked with confidence and charisma, knowing what was below the shorts that hung low on his waist and also knowing what he was capable of doing with it.

She turned away from him and faced the house, _'Stop! Don't do that to yourself. Steve's your friend nothing more.'_ her heart sank as she pledged the next words. _'Don't let him become anything more.'_

He came up the yard and stopped just before the lanai. She'd barely been there for twenty-four hours and it was already different. He was different.

"Amber," he said to her, continuing the game that they were both excellent players at, ignoring the truth, "I feel like I pushed you to go further than what you were comfortable with. I'm sorry."

She turned and looked up at him, hearing the sincerity in his voice but not getting the eye contact that she normally would when they spoke. She heard his apology but wondered what he was really apologizing for?

She danced around the subject, the same as he. "You didn't push me, I'm just not ready for it. I got scared."

"It won't happen again," he said of both the water and the kiss he wanted from her.

Again, she wanted to ask him, which he would be denying her, the water, or the beautiful way that he had looked at her? But she said nothing.

…..

Officer Chris Hairfield sat at his desk with a menacing grin, his dark eyes narrowed as he stared at the document that was displayed on his computer screen.

_'You may not have pulled the trigger_,' he thought bitterly, '_but you drove him to it. He never would have done it unless he was under extreme duress. I don't know what you did to his head, but I'm going to get justice for Kevin, Adam and Ava, anyway I can.'_

"Hey," John Heroshi, his new partner of three weeks said to him, "We got a call, burglary over at Sampson's diner last night."

Chris looked up from his computer, "Yea, ok. Just one sec, I need to submit this arrest warrant first."

"For what case?" John asked, they had two they were working on, but neither needed a warrant issued just yet.

"It's an old murder case from last year from when I was in uniform. It was closed but I've been working it on the side and some new evidence has just come to light. I want to re-open the case."

John nodded with approval, "Nice. Anything I can do to help?"

Chris barely gave him a side-glance over that, he was his new partner after he'd been promoted to Detective with the death of his old one, but the relationship was nothing like his partnership with Kevin Scott had been when he was in uniform, which had gone beyond the job to friends, a brotherhood. He couldn't picture John Heroshi and he ever getting to that point. They were partners at work and nothing more. Besides, he was Japanese, what could they possibly have in common he had thought after meeting him for the first time.

"No, thanks, I got it under control."

John got the hint; it was a clear dismissal of his help, but the fact was that whatever Chris was working on they both should have been working on, that's what partner's did. They didn't go rogue on a case, any case.

John glanced over at his Captain's office, contemplating a discussion about this new partnership, but shook it off. They were both new to this precinct but he wasn't new to the job, whereas Chris was a rookie detective and most newcomers on the job were arrogant at first, trying to prove themselves, but this guy had a tendency to go beyond the norm. His first glimpse of the arrogant personality was when they were speaking of their wives and Chris made the unorthodox statement that 'his wife knew her place'. John thought that was a little extreme but more than anything else, disrespectful to his wife.

But he was the new guy and in some aspects so was Chris, so the partnership seemed reasonable. But the personalities couldn't have been further apart.

John looked down at the document on the computer screen and got a glimpse of the name before the file disappeared; a little surprised that it was a woman's name.

Amber Scott.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

Amber sat on the couch the next morning with Steve's laptop, going over her finances that she had barely looked at in the past six months since being away from home.

She wiped away a trickle of sweat that began to bead up on the side of her temple.

"Damn, it's already hot," she whispered, closing the laptop and going out on the lanai to sit in the fresh air.

She knew the reason for the extra body heat was due to being pregnant, having experienced similar symptoms with Adam and Ava.

She sat down in one of the chairs as a cool breeze off the ocean hit her, making her smile as she lifted her hair up on top of her head, getting the full scope of the draft.

She stared at the water and with them still on her mind she pictured Adam and Ava down on the beach, playing in the sand. Her smile faded, feeling guilty as she often did when she saw something beautiful, knowing they would never experience it.

She had made so many mistakes, going over the list in her head that had become a staple of her punishment; critical errors that could have saved both of their lives. The one on the top of her list was underestimating her husband and what he was really capable of.

She heard a noise behind her as Steve came down the stairs.

It was a big day for him, she thought. He'd be returning to work for the first time since Catherine's death.

He had briefly spoken of it the night before, acting too nonchalant about the event to fool Amber. She knew otherwise but didn't confront him about it either. That would be too personal and after the earlier event in the water, she thought it best to keep her distance in that area of his life. She didn't want to give him any reason to look at her again like he had. She had to keep this neutral for both of their sakes; it was so much safer that way. He was her friend and she needed that so much more.

"Good morning," he said as she came into sight.

Amber set the laptop on the table and turned in the chair seeing a new man walking toward her. Her mind flashed back to the moment she walked in the bar and saw him in all his glory of being clean-shaven. He was even more striking now dressed in a blue polo shirt and a pair of white pants with his badge and gun on his hip.

"Have you eaten yet?" he asked her as he came out on the lanai.

Amber just stared up at him in awe of the appearance that caught her without warning. Even his hair was shorter, assuming he cut it himself, because when he went to bed the night before it was longer in the back and on top.

Steve smiled; finding her reaction amusing, knowing it was because of his appearance. He ran his hand over his beardless face. "It feels weird too," he said.

"Your hair," she said, still a little shell-shocked, "did you cut it yourself?"

His hand moved up and over his scalp, "Yea a little bit. I did what I could. I might stop after work and get it cleaned up. Does it look pretty bad?" he flipped the natural cowlick he had in the front, hoping he didn't look too ridiculous.

"No," Amber shook her head, "No, not at all. It looks really good. You look great!" she said just a little too enthusiastic and then pulled it back. "I mean you look good. You look fine."

It was already out there and it was too late to pull it back, Steve saw it by the way her cheeks flushed and heard it in the way she stumbled her words, smiling again, only this time because he was flattered. It was the same reaction she had that time in the bar, and he couldn't deny that it felt good, the same as it had that night.

"Thank you," he grinned, blushing a bit himself over her reaction, "So, have you eaten?" he asked again still not getting his question answered.

"What?" she said and then came to her senses, "Oh, umm," she looked around as if the answer was lying somewhere near her and then looked up at him again. "Ah, no, I haven't." She looked away from him again, unable to control the giddiness that went along with seeing him standing before her looking the way he did. All her superior thinking of him as just a friend flew out the widow as images of him that night between her legs making her head swirl came flooding back.

The Hawaiian heat was just a droplet on her body compared to what his physical stature was causing her. She felt like she had a fever, understanding the term 'hot flash' now, intimately.

"Danny's picking me up," he said. "There's just enough food in there to make yourself something. I can grab a bite on the way to work. I'll leave you my truck today too. Would you mind going to the grocery store?"

She shook her head…"No not at all."

He reached in his back pocket and took out his wallet.

"What are you doing?" Amber asked with a disturbed expression.

Steve took out his credit card and handed it to her. "You can use this for the food."

"No! I have my own card and it has money on it."

"I'm not saying that," he quickly defended, "I'm just saying I'll buy the food. You need to go clothes shopping. All you have is clothes from the trail."

"I can pay for both," she argued back. "You don't need to support me. I was just going over my finances and I'm in pretty good shape."

"Really?" Steve smiled, "Well in that case, I like gourmet food. Make sure you get top shelf. As long as you're buying."

Amber rolled her eyes, "Very funny."

He put his card back in his wallet. "I don't want to argue about expenses. You go ahead and get what you need and buy the groceries this time. We'll work out a plan for next time."

She nodded in agreement. "Ok, agreed. Is there anything in particular you won't eat just so I know?"

Steve put a hand on her shoulder, "Please, I'm begging you, don't buy anything that comes in a little package where you just add hot water."

Amber laughed, "No way! And I'm not buying any oatmeal either. How about a big box of Captain Crunch?"

Steve laughed, "I'm actually a Lucky Charms guy if you have to know."

"And Doritos!" Amber added with wide eyes. "Ranch or nacho cheese?"

"Please," Steve smirked, "nacho cheese." He smiled down at her. "We deserve to eat every junk food that is out there but just remember the baby might want something a little more nutritious."

It was the first time he had brought up the baby in a conversation that wasn't already surrounding the baby, and it was out of concern for it as well. She was impressed as well as pleased over it.

"I will. I promise. I have to get some pre-natal vitamins too."

"And you need to see a doctor."

Amber's face showed her concern over that. "I know and I'm not sure my insurance covers that either. That could get expensive."

"Something else we really need to talk about."

"I'll put it on the list." They both heard a horn and looked in the direction of the front door.

'That'll be Danny," Steve said, "I gotta run." He backed up as he continued to talk, "Call me if you need anything today."

"I will. Have a good first day back, and please be safe," she added as he turned to leave.

He looked back at her with a wide grin, liking that last part. "I will. You too."

She watched him disappear around the corner of the family room and then heard the door open and shut.

It was the first time since they had been hiking together that they would be apart for an extended period of time, she actually missed him already.

….

Danny pulled into the HPD parking lot and took his usual spot. The conversation on the way in was occupied by getting Steve up to speed on the two cases the team was currently working.

Steve didn't move to get out right away, glancing over at him; "You didn't tell Chin and Kono about Amber did you?"

"No, of course not."

"I wonder how it'll go over?" he asked, more concerned about Kono than Chin. She and Catherine had grown close over the years, and even more so since Cat had moved back permanently.

"Hey," Danny replied firmly, "They're the ones that are always on the Ohana kick, it'll be fine."

Steve smiled over that, excited to see them but a little apprehensive too. "Yea, you're right. It's just Chin and Kono."

They came through the glass doors and were met with cheers and applause from the both of them.

"Welcome back brother," Chin said with a hug. "We missed ya."

"Welcome back, Boss," Kono smiled, hugging him as well. She stepped back and looked him over. "I was hoping the beard was going to make an appearance."

Steve smiled, running his hand over his clean shaven face, "No way, trust me it was even scarier in person."

"You look good," Chin added.

"Thanks. I feel good."

Kono smiled happily over that. "We're glad you're back. The place wasn't the same without you, and I mean that."

"It really is good to be back too."

They all began to walk to the common area where they did most of their conversing about cases in front of the computer table.

"So how was the PCT?" Chin asked, "As brutal as I imagine, or worse?"

"It really wasn't that bad," Steve admitted. "There were definitely some challenging days. Weather was the biggest hinder, but we got through those periods."

"'I heard about the avalanche," Chin said, "That sounded pretty harrowing."

Steve blew out a breath, recalling the terrifying moment when Amber had disappeared under the snow. "Yea, that wasn't one of our better days."

"All right I have to ask because we are all dying to know," Kono began, eyeing Steve suspiciously. They had all agreed it was unlike him to quit anything let alone something like this. "Why didn't you finish? You can be honest. No judgment here. We're all impressed as hell that you even attempted it."

"I know! I know!" Chin raised his hand with a teasing grin. "You couldn't stand the smell of yourself anymore?"

They all got a laugh out of that.

Danny looked over at Steve, wondering how much he was going to reveal to them about Amber and the baby.

"So…?" Kono asked, waiting for the answer to her question.

"It's kinda complicated."

"Did the girl you were hiking with stop too," Chin asked, "Amber, is it?"

"Yes, it's Amber and yes she did. We decided together just past the Oregon border that we should hang it up. It was a mutual decision based on…circumstances that…well that she had developed, kind of. The hike just made it more dangerous for her in her condition."

"Did she get hurt?" Kono asked, now displaying a look of concern.

"No, not really," Steve replied, dancing around the subject.

"Where was she from?" Chin asked.

"Indiana."

"Are you going to keep in touch?" he asked next, wondering if maybe they had separated on bad terms and that was the hesitation about telling all.

Steve glanced over at Danny getting a slight nod from him, basically telling him to just spit it out, otherwise he knew the interrogation would eventually lead to it anyway. They were all good at getting info out of hesitant people.

"Yes, we are going to keep in touch, as a matter of fact, she's here now…at my house."

Kono's expression changed in a flash as her eyes narrowed as she now glared at him. "What do you mean she's here now? She came home with you, to live?" her voice overly annoyed with that new piece of information. "Are you like…a couple now?" She understood the circumstances of them becoming hiking partners and was even relieved over it, not liking the idea of him being out there alone, even with his credentials. When he had left Hawaii he was an emotional mess, so was she over losing her friend, but it was different for him. She had encouraged him to go on this adventure to help heal his wounds, but had never in a million years thought that it would lead to this. She missed her friend Catherine and the idea of him moving on so quickly annoyed her. Maybe it shouldn't have but it did.

"Yes, to live and no, it's not like that," he quickly announced.

"Oh," she calmed again, glad to hear it wasn't a romantic thing. "Is she sick then?"

"No."

He decided to just rip off the Band-Aid.

"She's pregnant…it's mine, so she's here now, with me."

"Wow," Chin replied first, his mouth dropping open. It was the last thing he would have ever guessed.

Kono on the other hand said nothing, but her eyes bore into him, wondering how he could have moved on so quickly and carelessly.

He looked over at her and felt the guilt and betrayal he had suffered the morning after he and Amber had slept together. She had been Catherine's closest friend at the time of her death and it was like facing her ghost, seeing the disappointment and resentment in her eyes.

"Well," Kono said, her voice filled with bitterness, "isn't that nice. Congratulations I guess." She turned and walked toward her office. "I've got work to do. Welcome back boss." She went inside and swung the glass door closed as she went past it.

Steve's eyes went to the floor, feeling the brunt of her anger hit him hard. He respected his team immensely and letting them down in any way, shape or form was disheartening.

How did he really expect her to react, he thought shamefully, with open arms and a big hug of congratulations? He had left here a broken man, grieving for his wife that had tragically died, only to return four months later with another woman pregnant with his child.

Laying it out so openly and seeing it from her perspective was like a blow to his character.

"Hey," Chin said to him, sympathetic to his situation, "she's never really come to terms with Catherine's death. I've tried to have conversations with her about it but she just refuses to admit how deeply hurt she really was over it. I've known her my whole life and she's never had a real friend of the same sex. She was a tomboy from the get go. She could never relate to women on their level, until Catherine came along. They were like two pees in a pod. They didn't talk about nails or hair. They didn't go to the mall, they went surfing and to the gun range or the football games. I think she was the sister that Kono always wanted, or needed."

Steve nodded his understanding; not realizing the depth of her grief, maybe because he had been so caught up in his own misery that he hadn't noticed that his wife's death had impacted other's lives as much as his own, especially Kono's, knowing that friendship first hand.

"I'm sorry," Steve replied quietly, "I should have known that this might hurt her. I should have known that."

"It's not your fault, Steve," Chin defended, "you had to move on with your life and get past that grief. I know," he said honestly, "I know what you're going through and no matter what path you take, you have to take the one that is right for you, no one else. She'll come on board, she's just still grieving is all."

"Shouldn't I still be too?" he said critically, feeling that wave of guilt strike him hard.

"Aren't you?" Chin declared, "because I see it all over your face right now. Just because you're not locked up in your house or walking around like a zombie anymore doesn't mean for one second that you are over her death, or that you ever will be. It's a process to get you back to a life that you feel normal in again, and if Amber can help you get there, then god love her for it, because I don't have to tell you it's a hard, hard process."

Steve glanced over in the direction of Kono's office, seeing her sitting behind her desk with her laptop open. He needed her approval just as badly as he needed Danny's and Chin's. They were a family. He wanted it for himself but even more so, he wanted it for Amber.

He tapped his knuckles on the glass door of her office, not asking permission to enter but more or less giving her a heads up that he was coming in.

Kono looked up from her computer as he came inside. She saw who it was and then diverted her attention back to the screen that was displaying her emails; she had yet to read one, her mind consumed over the anger of his reckless betrayal.

"Can I talk to you?" he asked as he let the door close behind him while he approached her desk.

"What for? It's none of my business," she replied bitterly.

"Then why are you so upset?"

She said nothing.

"I think you'll like her, Kono. Amber's a good person."

"Whatever," she replied sarcastically. "She's moved right in and taken over. Is she driving the Vette too?"

"Knock it off!" Steve replied angrily. "This isn't about you! I haven't done anything to you."

"I knew she was pregnant," she blurted out.

"What? Amber?" Steve questioned, confused over how.

"No! Catherine. Remember, you're wife!" she saw him cringe over that remark, but her anger allowed her to ignore it. "She came to my house with a pregnancy test a couple of days before she…died." Tears welled up in her eyes, "I'd never seen her so excited. She couldn't wait to tell you."

"I didn't know that," he said quietly.

"Did you also know that she called me the day it happened? I know about the fight you had."

That comment was like a shot to his heart. If she were trying to mortally wound him, she was doing an impressive job.

He had nothing left to say after that, backing away from her. He wasn't angry, nor did he see her as an enemy between he and Amber, on the contrary he felt he was the enemy in her eyes. He had failed her as much as he had failed Catherine that day, being reminded of why she had left the house that morning.

Kono regretted her words, seeing the results clear as day. Why had she said that? She had kept that phone call to herself all this time, knowing what that fight must have done to him, but the discovery of this baby and this new person that she felt was taking Catherine's place had just resurfaced wounds that she thought she had put to rest, but she hadn't, she'd only locked them away and now they were out and focused on Steve whom she admired and loved like a brother.

She'd gone too far she thought shamefully. Her anger and grief over missing her friend had consumed her so much that she had lashed out at the one person who had loved Catherine the most.

"Steve," she said remorsefully as she rose from behind her desk. "I'm sorry, I…"

"No," he replied almost breathless, "it's ok, you're right." He turned and went for the door.

"Steve, I'm sorry." She chased after him as he left the room, both of them coming out to the main area. "I'm sorry."

"Kono," he replied to her not taking into consideration what she had said to him, only feeling sorry that she had to know about it in the first place. He almost felt a bit of gratitude that she hadn't confronted him with it earlier. She had let him off the hook but he knew now that she did indeed blame him, but why shouldn't she, he was to blame. "It's ok, don't apologize. I'm the one that should be apologizing to you. She was like your sister and I…I ruined that for you."

"No Steve, I didn't mean it that way. It wasn't your fault. None of this is your fault."

"I'm sorry for springing this on you like that, Kono. It was inconsiderate. I'm sorry."

He went straight to his office but once inside he wished he'd left all together, but go where, home? It didn't feel like home anymore. It used to be his sanctuary where he could go to get away from a sometimes cruel outside world that he saw in his job. Home is where she had been. He could be with her and it was familiar and relaxing and safe.

He'd begun to feel that again with Amber being there, but now it suddenly felt dreadful again. His biggest fear about bringing her home was coming to light. He'd worried about others not accepting her, but never did he think it would come from his family.

"What did you say to him?!" Chin blasted her as she went toward Steve's office.

"Lay off, Chin," she fired back, going through the glass doors to his office. "Steve," she said to him.

He turned and forced a small smile, "Kono, really it's ok."

"No its not. I didn't mean what I said. It was uncalled for, Steve." She went to him, putting a hand on his arm. "I've had a hard time with this, much more than I had let on, and I don't think I realized the impact it had really made on my life until you mentioned Amber and the baby. I don't know I just felt a betrayal, but that's so ridiculous. You need to move on and you have and I'm happy for you, I really am," her voice broke as she tried to get the rest out. "I need to let it go too. I just feel angry…and I need to let it go. I'm sorry for lashing out at you. It was incredibly unfair."

He saw the tears in her eyes and heard the remorse in her voice, putting his arms around her, "You have every right to feel what you do, Kono. It's been a hard transition for all of us. Everyone processes grief in their own way, and in their own time. We'll be ok."

She wiped her eyes as he gently squeezed her before letting go. She backed away and looked up at him. "I can't wait to meet her. Amber I mean and I hope you are happy. You deserve it."

The smile on his face didn't have to be forced this time. "Thanks Kono."

"Are we good?" she asked him.

"Of course."

"I probably blew my chances now," she joked, "of having the baby named after me if it's a girl, didn't I?"

Steve chuckled, "No promises," he grinned; pointing toward her office, "Get to work."

She saluted him as she backed up, "Yes boss."

He believed the sincerity in her apology, but the damage was done. She was right, how could he have been so careless? And how could he have brought Amber to this place where she might be subjected to scrutiny because of him.

She didn't deserve it and he'd do whatever necessary to protect her from it.

….

Amber quietly came down the dark stairs of Steve's house. It was a little after two in the morning and she just couldn't sleep. The humidity that night was high, but her discomfort she knew was mostly due to her pregnancy, having gone through hot flashes with both Adam and Ava, but this was miserable. She wasn't used to the weather in Hawaii yet, knowing if she weren't pregnant that it probably wouldn't be so bad. But she was, and it was!

She went straight for the fridge and opened it, not taking anything out but just letting the cold air cool her off.

"Oh my god its hot tonight," she moaned, opening the freezer and turning her back to it as she moved in closer.

She grabbed a bag of frozen corn on the door shelf and laid it against her chest.

"That feels so good," she moaned.

"You ok?" she heard from across the kitchen causing her to jump.

She looked over, seeing Steve shirtless in a pair of cut-off sweats.

"You scared the hell out of me," she scolded him.

"What are you doing?"

She used the upper freezer door as a fan to try and get the cool air out faster. "I'm so hot. I love your island but it's hot. Does it ever cool down?"

"I don't know, I guess I'm just used to it."

"I'm burning up, but then again I'm almost three months pregnant. I tend to get hot flashes so your electric bill could skyrocket this month and all the ice cream might melt."

Steve chuckled, "I didn't know you were this uncomfortable. You should have told me."

"And say what? Hey Steve, could you please change the weather outside for me to a nice seventy-two degrees?" she grinned.

He rolled his eyes at her, motioning with his arm, "Come up stairs, you can have my room. I'll open the lanai door. It'll help."

She was flattered by his generosity but felt funny about it. "I can't take your room."

"Why not?"

She shrugged uncomfortably, "I don't know, this is your house. It's your room."

He rolled his eyes again, "Oh for crying out loud, Amber, get upstairs." He didn't wait for another reply and turned heading for the steps. "I can sleep in your room. This heat doesn't bother me. I'm used to it."

She closed the doors to the fridge and reluctantly followed him, still not 100% in agreement with his suggestion, but it was late and she was exhausted from not getting the sleep that she needed.

They came into his room and she stood at the door watching as he went around the bed and opened the door to the lanai.

Within a few seconds she could feel a breeze blow in.

"Oh my gosh," she declared, coming around the bed to the door, "maybe I'll just sleep out here." She went out the door and up to the railing, closing her eyes as the gentle breeze blew the thin material of her nightgown. It felt divine.

Steve smiled, pleased that he had indeed pleased her. It was a good feeling. The beauty that radiated off of her made him mindful to do it more often. The benefits were well worth it.

Amber glanced over her shoulder at him. "Maybe I'll just pop the tent tomorrow night in the backyard and go all PCT again," she smiled.

"I don't think I could sleep on the ground ever again," he joked, joining her out on the lanai.

"Do you ever miss the trail?" she asked him.

He didn't reply right away but a cunning grin crossed his lips over that question.

She didn't need a verbal reply to see his answer, it was all over his face, "Yea me too."

"I don't miss the cold mornings of having to get up, but I do miss the adventure of it."

Amber nodded, "You never knew what was around the next corner. A beautiful lake or a view that could take your breath away."

"Remember that one in the Sierras," Steve said, "and we watched the rain cross the valley and then saw the double rainbow?"

Amber sighed, picturing it clearly, "That was so beautiful. I could have stayed in that one spot for the rest of my life and been perfectly content."

"I miss stuff like that," he confessed.

"I bet you don't miss tearing down my tent every morning," she chuckled.

"And I bet you don't miss cooking my breakfast over an open flame either."

Amber shrugged, "It wasn't so bad; cooking for you I mean."

He gently nudged her, "And for the record, I never minded taking down your tent."

They glanced over at each other and smiled.

"It was fun," Amber said. "Although some of it was a little more adventurous than I would have wanted. I had a dream the other night about that avalanche."

Steve puffed out a breath of air, "That day still makes me cringe."

"I can still hear you screaming for me, you were as scared as I was."

He braced his hands on the railing and looked over at her, "In those first few seconds I didn't know where you were or if you were still attached to me. The panic that went through me…" he shook his head, "I don't ever want to feel that again."

She reached over and touched his arm, thanking him for pulling her out of that abyss. "If I would have been alone up there, I would have suffocated under that snow."

He bent his head and smiled over her admiration, "I don't know, you probably…"

"No," she replied adamantly, "I wouldn't have made it."

He looked over at her as she stared at him, showing her appreciation for what he had done. "I'm glad I was there."

"Me too." She recalled being in his tent after they had found a safe spot to camp, and going through his bag for the towel to dry her off with. It was then that she had found the dress from that night. She'd never mentioned it to him nor had he ever told her that he had it. It was both their little secrets wondering if it would ever come to light and if he still had it?

"I miss this too," Amber confessed next. "The conversations we would have."

He nodded, missing that as well. "We never ran out of things to say did we?"

"No," she smiled.

"I think back to my first day on the trail," he began, "and I can't imagine now doing it without you."

Sometimes just words out of his mouth could lift her up so high she felt like she was floating. "We were in the right place at the right time."

"And now look at us," he glanced down at her stomach. "Can you feel it yet?"

Amber shook her head, "No, not yet. I feel flutters but no movement yet, soon though."

"I want you to tell me when you need something, ok? I mean it."

"Ok, I will. And when I do start feeling it and it starts showing I want you to know that you can touch it, my stomach I mean, whenever you want."

He liked that and it showed, "Ok, thank you."

"It may sound weird to say that, but believe me once you feel your own baby for the first time, it's really pretty cool."

"I've never felt a baby inside a woman's stomach before."

"You haven't?" she asked surprised over that, but was also surprised that she was excited that she would be the first.

"Nope, so let me just apologize now for my over zealous application of my hands. I have a feeling by the sixth month you're going to be slapping my hand away."

Amber laughed, "No I won't. You're the father, you have free reign."

It was a surreal statement she had made saying he was the father, and for the first time he wasn't all that afraid of it. "I'm glad you're here Amber."

There it was again, just words but she felt feather light because of it. "I am too."

The half-quarter moon was hidden behind the trees but the faint light was just enough to show off her delicate features that seemed even softer than usual. He was aware of the phrase that a woman glowed while she was pregnant, but had never experienced it before, until now. She was beaming, even in the darkness.

Amber followed him back into the bedroom, leaving the door wide open.

He pulled the covers back on the bed, "You should sleep better in here."

"It already feels better, but I feel bad taking your room. My room is so hot, are you sure you want to sleep in there?"

He wasn't sure if that was just a question, or an invitation to share his bed for the night. Before his head could decipher it his conscience spoke for him, "I'll be fine."

"Ok, thank you again." She sat down on the edge of the mattress and then laid down, wishing she had the right to ask him if he wanted to stay with her, but feared he would reject the offer and things were going so well right now. She didn't want to jeopardize the friendship by pushing him into something she knew he didn't want; otherwise he would have offered her to share the bed himself.

"Sleep well, Amber."

"Good night, Steve."

He closed the door on the way out and leaned his head back against it, feeling a little dazed over the sight of her in his bed. He was torn over the feelings of wishing he were there too, but also knowing he had to protect Amber from the type of scrutiny that he had faced with Kono. He forgave her after her apology, but was prepared to forgo other friends of he and Catherine's if they couldn't accept her. She was having his baby and it was up to him now to protect them both, no matter what.

He went across into her room and lay down on the bed. Within a minute he was already hot.

"Oh no, no," he whispered, "this is never going to work." He was willing to give up his room to her, but there was no way he could sleep in this room either.

He knew there was only one solution and blew out a long, deep breath over it. "Cleo is going to drop dead from shock," he chuckled, sitting up and gathering up his pillow and blanket before heading down the stairs to the couch.

…

The next morning Amber was sitting out on the back lanai off the kitchen, which happened to be the coolest place in the house, when she heard a knock on the front door.

She opened it to a middle aged Hawaiian man dressed in jeans and a blue polo shirt with a logo on the upper right chest the with the letters CT in bold white that looked like they were covered in ice.

"Hi," he said, reaching out his hand, "you must be Amber, I'm Cleo Terumi, a friend of Steve's."

"Hi," she replied, shaking his hand, pleased to meet one of his friends. "It's nice to meet you Cleo, but Steve's not home right now, he's at work."

"I know, I just got off the phone with him a little while ago. He said he needed my services ASAP."

"Services?" she asked, confused, "what kind of services."

"I install air conditioning." He pointed at his shirt logo. "CT refrigeration and HVAC at your service."

Her mouth came open in shock, "He's installing air conditioning?"

"Yep," He shook his head and chuckled, "All I can say is that you must be pretty special because I've been trying for years to talk him into getting air conditioning in this house, but he refused me flat every time and then I get a call this morning and he said he needed it done ASAP. I asked him why now after all this time and he said that Amber was hot last night and couldn't sleep." He stretched his arms out, "So here I am Amber to make sure you stay cool and get a good night sleep."

She smiled brightly, not just over his amusing delivery, but also from the overly sweet gesture on Steve's part.

"I'm just going to start out here and get a look around at the best place to install, and then I'll come in and look at the vents." He waved over his shoulder as he walked to the side of the house, "You won't even know I'm here."

"Ok, thank you, Cleo," she called out shutting the door and going for her phone.

Steve saw her name and answered right away, "Hey, what's up?"

"Cleo's here," she replied.

"Oh really? Wow that was fast," he chuckled. "He probably wanted to get started before I had a chance to change my mind."

"You still can. You don't have to install air conditioning because of me," she said sternly. "I'll be fine."

"Amber, I came down the stairs last night and you were practically sitting in the fridge to try and cool off. I'm pretty sure I need to install air conditioning."

"That is such a huge expense and…"

"Listen," he interrupted, "it's a done deal. I got this, and Cleo is a good guy, I helped him out a couple of years ago so he's giving me a discount. I've been wanting to do it for a long time anyway I just never had a reason…and now I do."

She knew arguing with him anymore was fruitless, deciding to just accept his generous gift to her. "Ok then…thank you, Steve. Honestly this might be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me."

"I told you, I want you to be comfortable. Consider it an early Christmas present." He looked over at Danny's smug grin, "I gotta run, I'll see you tonight."

"Ok, be safe."

He hung up and slipped his phone in the side pocket of his pants and then pointed at Danny, "Shut up, don't say a word."

"What?!" he pleaded with open arms, "I'm just standing here!" He followed him to the car through the parking lot after leaving the office; unable to hold his tongue and plead his case that Amber did indeed mean more to him than he let on. "I was just standing there listening to you spend about four thousand dollars on," he used his fingers as quotes, "'just a friend'. You've never spent that kind of money on me and I'm your best friend."

"Not for long," Steve joked as he got in the car.

Danny laughed out loud, not needing to say anymore, he'd got his point across, wondering how long Steve could keep up the charade.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter Nineteen**

Amber flew across the kitchen with the container of potato salad, dumping it from the store container into a glass dish for serving. She ran back over to the stove and stirred the beans that were in a pan.

She turned to go to the fridge and almost ran directly into Steve. He caught her by both arms, stopping her.

"Whoa…slow down Amber, you're going to be worn out before they get here."

"I don't want be focused on cooking when they are here, I want to be able to sit with them and talk. I want to get to know them."

"You can sit and talk, I'll cook and do whatever is needed. I think you need to sit and relax right now."

She looked at him like he was crazy, "I have so much to do still."

He held steady to her arms and looked her straight on, speaking calmly, "No, I have so much still to do, you are going to come over here," he guided her to the table, "and sit down." He pulled out a chair with his foot and stood her in front of it, "Now sit."

She shook her head, looking past him to the counter and the many things she still needed to do, "But, Steve…"

He raised an eyebrow over her attempt to argue with him. "Sit!"

She blew out an exasperated breath and reluctantly sat down.

He went back to the counter and stirred the beans first, turning down the heat on them to simmer. There was a bowl of hamburger meat that he started working on next.

"That needs salt and pepper," she said to him from her chair. "And then formed into patties for the BBQ."

Steve dug his hands into the mix and pulled out enough to make a single burger. "I like to put the spices on them once they're on the grill. Danny likes lots of salt but Kono likes garlic salt, and Chin likes his plain with two slices of cheese." He looked over his shoulder at her. "How do you like yours?"

She watched him flip the meat back and forth in his hands flattening them out. "I don't know, I guess like Chin."

"Good, that'll be easy." He whipped out the other four burgers as fast as a short order cook, setting them on a plate and then washed his hands before going to the fridge. He took out the lettuce and two tomatoes.

Amber sat on the edge of the chair watching him; it was an odd display before her, seeing a man in the kitchen doing everything that she was supposed to be doing. The scene before her never would have played out at her house in Indiana. She would have been running around like crazy while Kevin watched TV or sat out back with his first beer in his hand.

"Make sure you wash the lettuce first," she reminded him.

Steve glanced over his shoulder at her. "This ain't my first rodeo," he said with a southern drawl, "but ok."

She chuckled and sat back in the chair. "I'm sorry but I find it very hard to sit here and do nothing."

"Fine," he caved, "you can slice the tomatoes."

"Thank you!" she replied coming off the chair. She stood next to him and reached over for a paring knife. "I'm just not used to someone else doing the work."

"Why should you have to be in here running around like crazy doing everything by yourself? I've got two hands." He peeled the head of lettuce apart doing it exactly the way she would have done.

"Thank you, you're right too, but like I said, I'm just not used to anyone helping me."

"By anyone, you mean Kevin right?"

She nodded, "Yes. He wasn't as in tune to the hectic scene in the kitchen as you are." She huffed, "And even if he was, I don't think he would have cared. That was a woman's job."

Steve snorted a little at that last sentence, "And Danny calls me a Neanderthal."

Amber looked over at him between slices of the tomato and chuckled. "Yes, that's what he was, a Neanderthal."

"Well now you have me," he said, picking up his pieces of lettuce and going to the sink. "I don't mind being in the kitchen."

His statement was innocent she was sure, but the way it was put it made him sound like Kevin's replacement, and Kevin had been her husband.

She could see herself being married to him. She'd had to work so hard at her marriage to Kevin, too hard; with Steve she felt it would be effortless.

"How's that?" he said, displaying his clean lettuce.

She looked up at him and smiled, "Perfect." but she wasn't speaking of the lettuce.

…

Amber sat at the table out back with the four of them as they spoke of the PCT. Their plates were empty and Chin and Danny were both slowing picking at a second helping of potato salad while they drank their beers.

"Would you ever do it again?" Danny asked, looking at both Steve and Amber.

They glanced at each other and smiled, both replying simultaneously, "No," and then laughed.

"Although," Amber admitted, "I would like to finish it. We never got to see Crater Lake and I was really looking forward to seeing that and other places up in Oregon and Washington as well."

"Me too," Steve added, "and I'd like to see the very end too."

Amber pushed her chair back, "Someday maybe." She got up and picked up the empty plates in front of Steve and Kono.

"Hey, just leave it," Steve said, "sit down and relax. I'll do it later."

"Too late," she said, taking the plates in the house. She had been unnerved before the arrival of the three, knowing they were Steve's closest friends and even considered family. She had already briefly met Danny and liked him very much, hoping Chin and Kono were going to be the same.

So far Chin was as delightful as Danny, but Kono seemed a little standoffish and having been married to a cop for so many years Amber could tell when she was being silently investigated. She knew of the friendship between she and Catherine, knowing this must be hard for her.

She washed the dishes off in the sink and put a couple of things away before going up the stairs to put her hair up in a ponytail. The afternoon heat was beginning to get the better of her sitting outside, but the inside of the house was a nice seventy-six degrees.

As she came out of her room, wrapping her hair up she ran into Kono coming out of the bathroom.

"Oh, hi Kono," she pulled the ponytail tight. "I needed to get this hair off of my neck." She still wasn't quite sure what to make of her. She had engaged in the conversations with Steve and Chin and Danny, but had yet to really speak to her, except for when they had first met. "I'm still not used to the weather here."

"Its nice in here the house though," Kono replied. "I don't know how you talked Steve into getting air conditioning."

"I didn't talk him into it," she clarified, "I didn't want him to do it at all, but he insisted. And one thing I learned about Steve, once he makes up his mind he sticks to it, and also," she smiled, "he's a very kindhearted man."

Someone who only truly knew Steve McGarrett would only have used that last word that she had to describe him. Most people had other, maybe more harsh words to define him, but if you were one of the few who earned his respect then you saw a side of him that was not only kindhearted but was loyal through and through. She had witnessed it more than once in the line of fire. She truly believed he would step in front of a bullet for her or any one of them, and because of his leadership and friendship to her, she would do the same.

"He is a good guy," Kono replied.

Amber motioned back toward her room, "Would you like a tie, to pull your hair up too?" she asked, feeling kind of foolish for asking but was becoming desperate to fit in with her. "I have an extra one in my room."

Kono tilted her head just slightly, confused over the room not the question. She pointed to the open space, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be nosy, but that's your room," she then pointed with her thumb over her shoulder in the direction of the master bedroom, "and not there?"

Amber caught on right away to what she was asking. "Oh…no," she replied uncomfortably, "um, no. We don't share a room. It's not like that. Steve and I have a great deal of respect for one another, but that…that would just make things so complicated. We're just friends…"

She wasn't sure how to explain then that night she had conceived, because obviously they had been more than just friends at least once, so she didn't try. Instead she tried to explain why they lived together, were having a baby, but the relationship was strictly platonic.

"He and I are both in very unique situations, and I know how much he loved Catherine. He still does. I saw it first hand many times when we were hiking. He's still grieving for her, and what happened between us…it was just a one-time thing. He needs time to heal and …" she felt that familiar pain in her heart as she thought of Adam and Ava, "and so do I. It's better this way for the both of us." She had convinced herself that it was, but now saying it out loud for the first time, it didn't feel so right. They had everything needed for a great relationship, except neither one knew how to get past the fear of moving on.

Kono was a little taken back over this new revelation and that she had spoken of Catherine by name. She hadn't expected nor even considered the idea that they weren't cohabitating. She just assumed and now that she had been enlightened, her guilt for condemning Steve resurfaced, but her respect for Amber over allowing him the space needed, magnified.

"I didn't know that. I don't mean to pry into your relationship. It's really none of my business."

"Of course it is," Amber quickly replied. "You and Chin and Danny, you mean so much to him and I see that you all care a great deal for him as well. That's important, especially now when he's going through what is probably the most difficult time of his life."

Now Kono's guilt extended to Amber, for saying the harsh things she had about her behind her back to Steve. She was nothing like she had thought, nothing. "I think he was lucky to have met you on the trail, Amber," she said sincerely.

Amber smiled brightly over that. "Thank you, but I think I was the lucky one. He saved my life, twice, literally."

Kono knew of the avalanche but not of the other, only knowing of Amber as the hiking partner that Steve had met but really nothing more that. Danny talked more about how and what they were doing rather than personal struggles. "Twice? I heard about your unfortunate avalanche, but missed the other."

Amber bit her bottom lip and looked down at the floor, "It wasn't from an accident. I was in a very bad place in my life when we met, as was he, but I wasn't as strong as Steve." She looked up at her, "To be quite honest with you, I don't think I would have come off that trail alive if I hadn't met him. He pulled me back from the ledge that I was standing too close to."

Kono's compassionate side kicked in, seeing a sadness overcome her. "I know why Steve was there, if you don't mind my asking, why were you?" wondering if maybe she had lost a spouse as well.

Amber hesitated, she'd already invited her into she and Steve's relationship both at home and on the PCT, so the question didn't seem all that intrusive. She decided that if she wanted to be accepted by her then she had better start by trusting her. It wasn't all that difficult of a decision considering Steve did.

"I lost my children, Adam and Ava. They both died and I just needed to escape," she replied.

Kono gasped, shocked over hearing what she just had. She instinctively reached out to her, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Amber. I didn't know."

Her reaction was normal and not surprising to Amber, but having to tell anyone about her tragedy was never easy. It seemed surreal sometimes speaking of Adam and Ava in that way, because in so many ways they were still alive to her and always would be, in her memories and in her heart.

"I'm slowly healing," she said. "Steve has been a been a big part in that, and I think, I hope I've helped him as well."

"You have," Kono replied. "When he left here he was broken in so many ways, but just sitting down there with him today, it's like having the old Steve back, so thank you." She in turn reached out and touched her on the arm, "I didn't know you before, but I hope I'm talking to the old Amber too," she smiled.

"You are," she replied, returning the smile. She was the old Amber she thought pleasingly, but the Amber pre Kevin, who was so much happier, like she was now. "Let's go back down and see what those boys are up to," she suggested.

Kono followed behind her down the stairs, "If you ever want to get out of the house, just give me a call and we can have lunch or something."

"Thanks, Kono. I might just take you up on that."

"I hope you do," she replied sincerely as they came back out to the lanai with the others.

Steve watched them come down from the stairs together, a little surprised but pleased to see the both of them talking, hoping it was going well.

Kono came out on the lanai and took the vacant seat next to him as Amber finished up something in the kitchen. She leaned over to him and whispered, "You were right, I like her. I like her a lot."

He looked over at her and smiled over that, "Thanks, Kono."

"Don't let life pass you bye, Steve," she added. "I knew Catherine well, and I know she would have wanted you to be happy. That's all I'm going to say."

That shocked the hell out of him as he leaned back in his chair, knowing that she was speaking of Amber. She came out on the lanai just then carrying a box of ice cream bars.

"Dessert," she announced, tearing it open and setting it down on the table. "These are the best," she declared taking one out for each of them.

"Ice cream bars?" Steve chuckled as he set his beer down and took the treat.

"Hey," Kono reminded him, "she's pregnant she gets whatever she wants. Welcome to your new life."

"Yes! I like that," Amber laughed, holding up her bar. "And since I can't toast with a beer, cheers to my new friends."

"I'll eat to that," Chin replied.

"Cheers!" they all said simultaneously as they touched the tips of their ice cream bars together.

Steve had been hesitant about the BBQ, but it had been Amber's suggestion and he didn't want to let her down, but in the end it had gone off better than he had imagined.

He glanced over at her and smiled as she happily ate her dessert.

'_Who wouldn't love her,'_ he thought, seeing that glow about her again that made his heart beat just a little faster.

….

As they were all leaving Steve stopped at the small table by the front door that had a drawer. He opened it and took out the set of keys that were inside of it. He stared down at them in his hand for a second before clasping his fingers closed and then displayed a gentle smile on his face, feeling pleased about his decision.

He came outside as the others were saying goodbye with small talk.

"Hey Kono," he called out.

As she turned and looked at him, he tossed the keys to her. She caught them and looked at him oddly. "What's this?"

He motioned with his head toward the blue Corvette in the driveway. "It's yours. You know that car better than anyone else, and…" he paused and nodded, "Catherine would have wanted you to have it."

Her mouth dropped open as Danny and Chin's displayed a broad smile, they too knew it was the right decision without even having to think twice about it.

"Steve," Kono said in awe, "are you sure?"

He nodded, "Yes. I'm sure. Leave your car here and I'll drive it in on Monday."

She looked down at the keys again and then back up at him with tears in her eyes as she came towards him.

He embraced her as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice too choked up to speak.

"You're welcome." He fought back his own emotions as well, letting her go and quickly wiping away the moisture from his eyes, "Just don't drive like a bat out of hell like she did," he chuckled.

She laughed with everyone else. "No promises," Kono said, "but it's a Vette; it's made to be driven that way."

He had no qualms, knowing she could handle it. "Enjoy."

He and Amber stood outside as she drove off, holding her hand out the window and giving him the shaka sign as she did.

She looked over at him with an adoring smile, "That was incredibly generous of you. Was that something you had planned?"

"No, it was just the spare of the moment thing. She and Catherine were best friends. It was right for her to have it."

"Yes it was." She looked upon him with endless admiration, thinking to herself…_'Who wouldn't love him.'_

…

"Steve!" Amber called out from her room. "Steve!" she shouted again hearing his footsteps quickly ascending the stairs, seconds later he appeared at her door with a more than concerned expression.

"What? What's wrong?! Are you ok?"

"The baby," she said with a broad smile, "I felt it."

His face immediately went from alarmed to total wonderment. "You did?" he asked as he came inside. "What did it feel like?"

"Like when you hick up but I didn't hick up."

He found that answer astounding, able to relate to the feel. "Where did you feel it?"

She reached over and took his hand, setting it on her stomach just below her naval, "Right here."

He held perfectly still, even holding his breath, waiting patiently for the moment to feel his baby for the first time.

Neither one spoke as they waited.

He looked at her after it became obvious that it wasn't going to happen again and she shrugged sadly, "It might be too small for you to feel yet."

He removed his hand with a disappointed look on his face, "Oh well, maybe next time."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have got all excited about it."

"Why?" he argued that point, "I'm glad that you're excited about it. You should be. I'll get my chance. The doctor thought you were further along than you were, so he must be growing pretty fast, or she."

"Do you want a boy?" she asked.

He'd thought about that question already, it was impossible not to have, but his conclusion was simple. "I want ten toes, ten fingers and healthy. That's what I want."

She liked that answer, "Me too." She put her hand over her stomach again. "Do you want to find out before it's born, or wait for the big unveiling?"

That was a question he hadn't asked himself yet. "I don't know, what about you?"

Amber shrugged, she had known the sex beforehand with both Adam and Ava because Kevin had wanted to know, but she if she'd a choice she would have always wanted it to be a surprise. "I could wait, but if you can't then that's ok too."

"I can wait. I think it might be kinda cool to find out when it's born." Which brought him to his next question. "Can I be there? In the room I mean when you have it?"

"Of course," she reached over and took his hand, "I want you to be there with me."

He smiled over both the answer and the fact that she was holding his hand, which to him meant that she truly meant it. "Does it hurt a lot?"

"It can, yes."

He cringed slightly over that, not sure he wanted to see that part. "But you can take something for it, right? I read that."

Amber smiled over his inexperience of the whole procedure, but the fact that he was preparing for it too was a delight. "Yes, they can give me something, but it still can be painful." She thought of her delivery with both Adam and Ava. "I had an epidural with Adam and he just slipped out, but with Ava, she was a little more difficult and I had to have an emergency C-section with her. It was very scary, but she came out ok." She put her hand over her belly and the tiny bump that was only noticeable to her at that time, feeling the sadness over speaking about her delivery with Adam and Ava. "I remember when they put them in my arms," she spoke softly, recalling the first time she had seen each of those two beautiful little faces, the memory tore at her now, "it was the most amazing and unforgettable moment of my life." she looked up at him with tears in her eyes, "you'll see."

He knew without a doubt that the tears were not brought on by joy over the moment she was describing, but by the sadness of missing her two children. His heart went out to her wishing he could say something to ease the pain she was feeling, but there was nothing, so instead he put his arms around her.

Her emotions were normally all over the place when she was pregnant but this pregnancy and the loss of them was even more climatic. The second his arms went around her it poured out of her all at once.

Her mood change happened so fast, but he wasn't surprised nor was he uncomfortable with it. On the contrary, he understood it wholeheartedly and told her so by holding her tighter as she cried on his shoulder.

After a time she began to calm and pulled away from him, "I'm so sorry, Steve. I don't know what came over me," she sniffed, not wanting to ruin this precious moment in his life by exposing him to her grief. She felt his warm hands on her face as he lifted it so he could see her.

"Hey, listen to me. Don't apologize for what you are feeling right now, and it's ok to talk about it with me. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you at times but you need to know that its ok to cry and you also need to know that you have an endless supply of hugs and shoulder support, right here." He tapped his finger on his shoulder. "I think it will help if you talk about them. The baby inside of you should know of their brother and sister and who they were." He used his thumb to wipe away a tear that trickled down her face. "I want to know them, because in a way, I feel like they are a part of my life now too."

She was overwhelmed by his generosity to be able to put his feelings aside and cater to hers, knowing how much she needed to keep them alive. The fact that he had zoned in on that alone was astounding to her. It also made her all the more aware that he too needed to keep Catherine alive.

"Thank you for that, Steve." She covered his hand that was still resting on her cheek, "And I want you to have that same experience. Catherine…" she began, seeing his expression change to sorrow just over the sound of her name, "she was a huge part of your life, and you have such a huge heart." She moved her hand, pressing it against his chest, "there's room in there for all of them, don't feel that you have to let her go, ever."

He had no words to express the gratitude over what she had just said to him, because in a way he felt that was exactly what had been happening. He'd felt Catherine's presence slowly slipping away from his life and it was painful. The day he had given away her car to Kono he'd never imagined the emotional repercussion that would have come from it. It tore at him for days, and then seeing it everyday in the parking lot at work was like a knife to his heart.

"Sometimes…" he began, his voice low and filled with emotion, "I catch myself in a conversation wanting to say something about her, but I stop myself."

"Why?" Amber replied, "Don't do that Steve. She was family. She was your family. That will never change no matter how many children you have or if you even re-marry. She pressed her hand into his chest, "She'll always be here because you loved her, talking about her is the best way to honor that love. And there's nothing wrong with that."

He nodded his understanding, looking upon with her with such respect and appreciation. "That little baby is lucky to have you, Amber."

She smiled shyly over his kind words, "You too, Steve."

The moment that would be etched in their minds forever was interrupted by another one that would be as well, but not as pleasant.

"Is that your phone?" Amber said.

Steve turned his head, hearing it ringing downstairs, "Yep."

He quickly went down and saw Danny's face on the front of it as he picked it up.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I'm at work," he said, "You need to come down here?"

"Why are you at work on a Saturday when we have no case?"

"I forgot Gracie's permission slip she needs for school Monday and while I was here the out of state list of warrants came out for the week, it was sitting on my desk. You need to come down and look at it."

"What? Why?"

"Steve, just come down here, right now."

"Danny, I…"

"I mean it! Get down here!" he left it at that, hanging up the phone and ending the conversation, not wanting to tell him what he had to over the phone. It needed to be done in person. He set the phone down and picked up the form with the fifteen names and photos on it, but it was the fourth one down in particular that stood out and had his attention, as well as the reason for the warrant.

_Warrant issued for Amber Michelle Scott: Age 29: Height 5' 7: Weight 128 lbs.: Hair, Brn: Eyes Hzl: Suspect involved in a murder case involving victims, Kevin David Scott, 31, Adam David Scott, 8 and Ava Denise Scott, 5, issued for Warren County Indiana, by Officer Christopher Hairfield. _

Next to the information was a picture of Amber from her Indiana Driver's License, making no mistake that she was indeed the person of interest.

Danny tossed the paper on his desk and sat back in his chair, running his hands through his hair. He knew of Amber's husband and what he had done, not believing for a second that the woman he knew was capable of being involved in such a horrible crime.

"I don't know who you are Officer Hairfield," he whispered uneasily, "or what kind of game you're playing, but you're picking on the wrong woman. Steve is going to lose his mind."


	20. Chapter 20

**_Hi everyone, so sorry for the long delay but life/work has been pretty hectic as you can imagine, and I'm sure the same is for all of you. I hope this chapter finds you all safe and secure and maybe gives you a little escape from our unsettled world right now, I know it does me, so THANK YOU for giving me a reason to write it. _**

**_Stay safe! Big Aloha!_**

**Chapter Twenty**

"Why are we going into the interrogation room?" Steve asked as he stood outside the heavy steel door that led into the room that was void of anything except a grey metal chair in the middle of it. Danny stood just inside with his hand on the doorknob.

"Just come in here. I have to tell you something."

"You brought me all the way down here on a Saturday to tell me something in the interrogation room?" he asked irritably. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," he admitted, closing the door as Steve came inside.

He looked around but didn't see anything out of the ordinary, "Ok, I'm here, so what now? Are you going to cuff me to the chair next?" he joked.

It had crossed Danny's mind but he was afraid Steve might break an arm being restrained after hearing the news about Amber.

"I have some news," Danny began, "and you're not going to like it, but try and control yourself, you're temper I mean."

Steve glanced around the room one more time, getting the idea of why he had brought him in there. He looked back over at him as his eyes narrowed, preparing himself for whatever Danny had to say, assuming he knew him well enough to know that whatever it was he needed to be told, it had to be done in a sealed room.

"Ok," Steve said tensely, his voice deep and already strained, "what do you got?"

Danny reached his hand behind his back and pulled out the arrest warrant from his back pocket and opened it, handing it to him. "This."

Steve looked at the document and knew what it was. He'd seen thousands of arrest warrants, but wondered why Danny was so upset over this one.

He took it from him and looked at the top of the page, seeing the state seal of Indiana, feeling his heart sink, knowing the person's name that was going to be on it before he even scanned down to the line where it was displayed, seeing her name, Amber Michelle Scott.

"What the fu…" he mumbled, turning away from Danny and taking a couple of steps, gripping the paper tightly in his hand as he quickly scanned over the important areas of the document. "This is bullshit!" he exclaimed, abruptly turning around. "Murder?! Amber?!" he shouted, "And who the hell is Christopher Hairfield!" he roared.

Danny put his hands up, in an attempt to calm him seeing the rage building. "I don't know yet, but I bet she does. I checked out their department, it's a small town."

"I'll tell you what this is, it's harassment!" he yelled, pointing at him, his eyes full of anger, his muscles taught, "If they think for one second that she's leaving this island to go back there to face these bullshit charges, then they'd better pull their heads out of their asses!"

The thought of her leaving and for this reason sent not only a streak of anger through him but also panic. He clenched the paper in his one hand and turned away again the rage taking over as he pictured her being handcuffed and locked in a cell.

"Those fuckers!"

He picked up the chair in the middle of the room and threw it against the back wall.

Danny had seen him angry but knew this would send him over the edge, as it had. He stepped in the way of his path as he headed for the door. "Hey! You need to take a breath!"

"They're picking on the wrong person!" he yelled. "She's not going anywhere!" His next words inspired the term threat.

"They better be fucking prepared for me!"

"Agreed," Danny said, "but you also have to be prepared for them, and with a straight head, don't go flying off the handle and let your temper get the better of you." He calmed his voice; "It's the weekend, nothings going to happen until Monday. I advise you to take this time to get your thoughts in order." His expression weakened, "Besides, you need to tell Amber and if you are all up in arms about it, then how do you think that's going to look from her perspective? Huh?"

Steve heard him loud and clear as his chest heaved and the hysteria and anger slowly dissipated, knowing he was right.

"I won't let them take her, Danny," he said more calmly but the fire in his eyes remained.

"I know, Steve, but we don't know want evidence they have to issue the warrant."

"You don't believe it, do you Danny, that Amber was capable of doing that?" he asked, almost fearful for his reply.

Danny's posture straightened and he looked him straight in the eye, "No, I don't. I haven't known her for very long to really establish that kind of insight to who she really is, but from what I do know…I don't believe she was capable of doing that, but more than anything else, I know you, and if you believe this as adamantly as you do, well then…I've got your back, 100%."

Steve let out a breath, thankful for that. "Thanks, Danny."

He put a hand on his arm, "Go home and talk to Amber. Get your head straight and then on Monday we'll wrap this bullshit up, ok?"

Steve nodded, "Ok, ok, you're right. I'm going to do that." His expression turned to worry, "What am I going to say to her?"

…..

Steve sat in his truck outside of his house, staring at the front door.

If it would have been anyone else's name on that warrant, he would have been on his way to arrest the person and put them in jail, but this wasn't anyone else, this was Amber and she wasn't going to spend one second in a jail cell, not as long as he was breathing.

The last question Danny had asked him kept playing over and over in his mind as he drove home.

'_What's your next move?'_

He had a lot of answers and a lot of moves to play but the one that he gave him was the one that was above all the rest.

"_Protect Amber at all cost."_

He began to feel his blood pressure soar again as he visualized the arrest warrant and the name of the Officer who had issued it. It didn't take he and Danny long to piece together the information and come up for the reason for it. Christopher Hairfield had been the partner of deceased Officer Kevin Scott, Amber's husband. This was nothing more than a vengeful plot to harass her, recalling that he had also been contacting her by phone before she had blocked his number.

They hadn't got a chance to review whatever the so called new evidence that he had grounds to issue the warrant for since it was Saturday, and obviously he and Danny both thought sarcastically, they had no crime on Saturday in the little hick town because no one was answering the phone in that department.

He started to open the door to his truck and then stopped, dreading going in there and having to tell Amber the news; worried about her reaction and the toll it would have on her both mentally and physically. His concern reached out for the baby as well.

It was his job going forward to make sure she was sheltered from the fear of it as much as possible.

A self determined force suddenly began to build inside of him, an energy that he'd only experienced one time before, it was the same burst of strength that he had the day the avalanche had covered her. It was the fear of losing her that gave him the greatest determination, because he couldn't, he couldn't lose her.

He came in the house as Amber turned the corner of the kitchen with a smile on her face.

"Hi, I think I might have found a car," she said excitedly, "Can we go look at it? It's a Honda CRV for only twelve thousand."

Her smile lately was radiant and infectious, knowing she was happy where she was. The transition to Hawaii was a great success, he couldn't have been happier as well. She brought joy back into his home that had become a living tomb after Catherine's death, but now he could see the light again and it was all over Amber's face everyday.

It broke his heart that in the next few minutes that beautiful smile would be replaced with fear and stress.

"Sure," he replied to the car request, but his expression didn't share her enthusiasm. "Come here Amber," he said gently, reaching his hand out to her. "I need to talk to you about something."

She slowly walked toward him, seeing his obvious distress over whatever it was that he had to tell her, hoping she hadn't done something to bring it on.

"Are you ok?" she asked concerned over his well-being. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No," he quickly assured her, "of course not. It's not your fault."

Her eyes narrowed over that as he took her hand and sat her down on the couch, taking a seat on the coffee table across from her.

"What's not my fault?"

He let out an exasperated sigh, still holding her hand as he stared down at it, knowing it had to be done, but dreading that he had to be the one to tell her, and that it was even an issue in the first place.

"Steve," she said, feeling an ache in the pit of her stomach, "just tell me."

He looked up at her, keeping his eyes focused on hers, hoping that by doing so she would understand that his loyalty belonged to her.

"Danny called me down to work today because every week we receive a list of current arrest warrants that come from around the country for offenders who might be in our jurisdiction."

"Ok," she replied, still confused on what that had to do with her.

"Today on the list there was a warrant issued from Indiana." He saw the expression on her face become confused and then all at once it hit her, not needing an explanation.

"Was it for me?" she asked, her voice quivering.

Steve nodded, "Yes."

"For what?! What did it say? I've never even had a parking ticket."

He held steady, gripping her hand as he told her the rest, "Amber, it's for murder."

The shock of it was startling as she shook her head in confusion, grasping the magnitude of his words but knowing it was ridiculous too.

"Murder? Who? When? That's ridiculous they must…" and then the real horror of it all came to light, feeling sick to her stomach over the idea that someone, anyone would accuse her of killing Adam and Ava.

"Oh my god, my babies?" she whimpered feeling faint as her hands went over her stomach, trying to ease the nausea that engulfed it. "That's insane," she panted, "crazy, insane."

"I know it is," Steve tried to soothe her, but knew his words were not getting thru to her as she blindly shook her head, still in disbelief.

"Why? Who would say that?" No sooner did the words leave her mouth did the culprit become crystal clear to her. She looked up at him with wide eyes. "Chris," she said breathless, feeling the lightheadedness return, "it's him. It has to be."

Steve nodded, "The officer on the warrant is Christopher Hairfield; your husband's ex partner."

"Oh my god," she cried as she rose off the couch and walked away from him, her mind reeling over the trouble she was in. Kevin was reaching out from the grave and was going to strangle her to death only he was going to use Chris' hands to do so.

"He won't stop," she mumbled, not feeling Steve's hands on her arms as he tried to calm her. "He blames me. He always has." She looked up at him, her eyes filled with fear and horror. "He won't rest until I'm in prison, or worse."

"I won't let that happen, Amber," he tried to assure her.

"You don't know him!" she shouted, on the verge of hysteria, "He's just like Kevin!"

"Amber! Look at me!" He gently shook her, trying to wake her from the terrified spell that was consuming her.

When she did as he asked, he could see the doubt and terror in her eyes.

"You don't know what he's capable of," she trembled.  
He pulled her closer, his voice mirroring the anger that was building inside of him once again over the threat of someone trying to harm her. "No Amber, he doesn't know me and what I'm capable of. He's the one that should be afraid, very afraid and he will be!"

She saw something in his eyes that would frighten anyone else, but not her, only because she knew the rage that she saw was a shield that she could stand behind, knowing she'd be safe.

"Do you think for one second that I would ever let anything happen to you," he gently shook her again, "do you?"

As quickly as the fear and hysteria had begun, it ended, believing every word he said.

"No," she whispered, "no, I don't."

He released her arms and moved his hands to her face, reassuring her that he was a man of his word. "I won't let anything happen to you, I promise."

She fell into him, laying her head on his shoulder as his hand moved over her head, holding her there.

She gripped handfuls of his shirt as she hugged him, feeling that same strong, warm embrace that she had the day he had pulled her out of the snow. He would save her from this the same as he had saved her that day. There was no doubt in her mind.

'_I love you,'_ she thought with every ounce of her being, _'I do.'_

….

Amber's bedroom was dark except for a faint light that came through her window from the church's security camera next door to his house. It was just enough that he could see her face as she slept.

He'd walked past her room unable to sleep, his mind diligently working on his strategy. He'd never in his working life wished for Monday to arrive so quickly than he did now, wanting more information about her warrant. It didn't matter what the so-called evidence was that they presumably had to issue it; he'd find the hole because there was no doubt in his mind that she was innocent. It angered him even more that this Christopher person would follow in her ex husband's footsteps by abusing not only Amber but the justice system that he had spent more than half of his life defending.

She stirred in her sleep with a slight moan and it made him wonder if she were dreaming, a nightmare perhaps over what she was dealing with. He forwent going back to his room, not feeling the need for sleep any time soon and not wanting to leave her side in case she did wake from a nightmare.

He quietly took the chair from the small desk in the corner and set it down by her bed, making sure not to block the sight of her from the light coming in.

She slept on her stomach, which he didn't know that she did, her hair fanned out behind her on the pillow as she hugged it. It wouldn't be a position she could sleep in for much longer he thought, thinking of the baby that was growing inside of her.

His life had changed so much over the past six months, wondering what it would be like if he hadn't met her? He almost shivered at the thought of it.

Coming home was a blessing now and it was due to her. There were no expectations from her. She demanded nothing but gave him so much. She was slowly easing him back into life again.

Her happiness and security was the only job that he felt was important anymore.

She moaned again and his heart went out to her, considering whether he should wake her, not wanting her to experience any discomfort, even in her sleep, but despite the noises coming from her, she looked peaceful and content. She looked beautiful he thought, she always did.

He pictured her in the tan dress and her walking into the bar. He was blown away that night by her transformation, attributing it to his respect that he had for her which was off the charts, but now he questioned that respect and his feelings for her.

Did he love her? It was a strong word and one that he had difficulty deciphering throughout his life. It had brought him so much joy at times, but then again so much sorrow as well. He feared it now, but it was still a lingering question that was a part of life and had somehow seeped back in his once again, forcing its way into his heart and making him question whether or not he could trust it again.

Amber whimpered quietly once again and the thought of her being in duress, even in her sleep was too much for him. He went to lean forward and touch her when she opened her eyes.

In her dream she lay back on his bed as the sound of the ocean waves rolled ashore from a distance. His naked body was on top of her and she gripped the back of his neck pulling him down and reaching up to him at the same time. The feel of his lips on hers was sensual and she moaned softly over the feel of them and the warmth of his hand as it moved down between her legs. The anticipation of feeling him inside of her was overwhelming; her subconscious skipped the foreplay and jumped ahead as he moved skillfully on top of her. She moaned again coming close to climaxing when she awoke from the erotic dream due to the pounding of her heart, opening her eyes to the sight of him sitting next to her bed.

She blinked, not sure if she were still dreaming or if the beautiful apparition before her was real.

He sat back in the chair and just stared at her, not seeing any fear or hint that she had had a nightmare, on the contrary she looked relaxed and not at all startled to see him there either. An explanation of his presence didn't cross his mind; he was too caught up in the sensual way in which she was looking at him. The question of whether or not he loved her no longer troubled him because at that second he did, letting go the fear and ghosts that had prevented him from trusting it, and trusting in her to deliver it.

She was still reeling from her dream, captivated by his presence, not considering the two a coincidence but fate. She wanted him as much as she had in her dream, and in her heart she felt there would be no rejection this time.

She reached her hand out for him and he took it without hesitation, being led by the woman who was able to heal him and bring him back from the dead.

She opened the covers and rolled over on her back as he came off the chair and laid down next to her, his body half covering hers, their hands still joined but now their fingers entwined and resting just above her head as they looked at each other, taking in the moment that had neither one of them second guessing what was about to happen.

Having him this close sent a tingling sensation throughout her body, reminding her of the dream and that night in the hotel. He hadn't even kissed her yet and she was already enjoying the pleasure of him.

The comfort level he felt with her was amazing. She gave him peace in a world that had continuously torn him down. He realized then that he was happy again, he had been since she'd walked into his life.

He gently squeezed her hand as he slowly leaned down to her lips and kissed her. The love he felt for her at that second flowed through him, filling him with a natural desire that was blinding to everything except for her.

A small whimper escaped her throat, which only encouraged him, moving his body over top of hers as the kiss deepened.

They were back to this place they had been just a few months before, being reminded how good each other felt and how much they actually needed it.

Amber released the hold on his hand as he slid it out, using it to explore her body as she wrapped a leg around his.

The clothes between them were only hindering the inevitable. Steve pushed up, bracing his hands on either side of her as she took the bottom of his shirt and pulled it over his head, tossing it on the floor. He did the same with her nightshirt, continuing the effort until he layback down on her, both of them void of any more burdens.

He smoothed his hand over her hair, looking at her in the darkness.

Neither had said a word, not needing any to rationalize what was happening, they both understood, succumbing to the feelings inside of them that were being wasted and ignored.

Maybe it was the recent circumstances that threatened their separation that brought them together, or maybe it was the friendship that had no choice but to blossom into what it was; they were two people who stumbled across each other in the most venerable times of their lives.

It wasn't as complicated as they had originally argued…it was simply love.

…..

Amber ran her fingers through his hair as he kissed her again and again, feeling his sweat on the palms of her hands. They were both beaded in it.

She was well aware of her body's sexual tension during pregnancy and needing that release of hormones to satisfy the urges. With Kevin it had been all about him, no matter what she had told him of her own needs, but with Steve, she never had to utter a word to him about what she wanted or needed, he was acutely aware.

Sex had never felt so good before in her experience. This time with him even surpassed the night in the hotel.

There were deep feelings; there was energy between them that just meshed perfectly.

He had stamina that she credited him bragging rights over any normal red-blooded man. He wanted to satisfy her, which made her all the more eager to do the same for him, taking over the love making which surprised and pleased him immensely.

She leaned forward and put her hands on his chest, straddling him as her lower body slid back and forth on top of him. Her hair stuck to places on her neck from the exertion but she didn't falter, it felt too damn good.

He had one hand above his head, braced against the wall and the other on her hip, squeezing it, but not to guide her in her effort but to just hold on as she ravished him.

He pushed his head into the pillow and turned it, letting out a gasp and then deep moan over the electricity that was shooting through his body from the sexual encounter. He couldn't talk, he couldn't move, he could barely breathe; she had him completely riveted.

She slowed her pace not wanting it to end just yet and lay down on top of him.

He faced her, grabbing a handful of her damp hair and kissed her, thanking her for that.

She held onto his shoulders as he flipped them both over in the small contents of the bed, holding her securely around the waist as he took over.

Amber continued to grip ahold of his shoulders as he held a steady pace, thrusting his body into her over and over, raising up just slightly, recalling how much she enjoyed this position from earlier, hearing it again as she gasped and dug her nails into his shoulders.

Amber let out the only words spoken between them. "Oh Steve," she cried out, tilting her head back as her body jumped from one incredible feeling to the next, crying out his name and the lord almighty's over and over.

He let go with her, resting his forehead on her shoulder as it hit him seconds after her.

The intensity of the last twenty minutes left them drained, but the severity of the climax left them both dazed, it brought them closer together than the actual experience leading up to it.

Amber laid still feeling completely sedated; the hormonal urge that had risen from her erotic dream about him was satisfied immensely.

He raised his head as if it were strenuous to do so and eased his weight off, looking down at her.

She could hear his heart pounding and see his chest rising and falling as his body slowly calmed from the aftermath.

Neither said a word but he spoke volumes as his hand moved down over her lower belly, slowly massaging the area as he leaned down and kissed her.

'_All costs,'_ he thought, _'I'll protect you both at all costs.'_


	21. Chapter 21

_**I hope this chapter finds you and your families safe and well. Aloha...**_

**Chapter Twenty-One**

Amber woke up once again to an empty space next to her after spending the night with Steve. She rolled over and looked out the bedroom door, seeing his wide open down the hall. She wondered then if they were going to ignore the night before the same as they had the last time they'd slept together.

She sat up, hearing his voice downstairs speaking to someone.

She came out of the bedroom after getting dressed and down the steps, stopping halfway, seeing him standing by the couch with his phone pressed against his ear.

"I know, Danny, I get it," he said. "I will. I will!" he said more adamantly with a hint of irritation.

She smiled as he twirled his hand as if silently telling Danny to move the conversation along, whatever they were talking about Steve was obviously done discussing it.

"She's ok," he said. "I think she might have had some bad dreams last night but…" he paused mid sentence being interrupted on the other end. "Yes, I am."

She took another step down as the stairs creaked and he turned, a smile emerging on his lips.

She waved with her fingers and pointed toward the kitchen, giving him privacy for his call, but as she went by him he surprised her.

"Hold on a sec, Danny," he said, removing the phone from his ear and reaching out for her hand as she went by.

`"Hey," he whispered, "Good morning."

She looked up at him seeing something different in his eyes as he looked at her; it was calming yet exciting all at the same time.

"Good morning," she replied shyly, squeezing his hand and feeling her face flush over his attention.

"I'll be off the phone in a minute."

He let go of her hand and she stepped back as he returned to the conversation, feeling a shift in their relationship.

She walked to the kitchen with her hand over her heart and displayed a radiant smile. It was the best morning ever, forgetting all about her dilemma.

She went in the kitchen and opened the window curtains above the sink, smiling as the Hawaiian sunshine poured in. She hummed a tune as she made coffee and started breakfast.

Steve came in a couple of minutes later as she cracked eggs in a bowl.

"Sorry about that. It was Danny, he just had some thoughts he wanted to talk about." His hands gently caressing her arms as he stood behind her.

Amber turned her head, feeling her body tingling over his affection as she blushed again just slightly. "That's ok. Are you hungry?"

"Starving," he replied.

"What would you like for breakfast today?" Amber asked, biting her bottom lip, hoping he said, her.

Steve shrugged, "Whatever you're hungry for," he replied, hoping she said more of what he gave her last night.

"Umm," she sighed, "how about pancakes?"

"That sounds good, but I'll cook you relax."

"No," she argued, never in her life had she ever remembered wanting to cook breakfast for a man as much as she did him that morning. "I'll make it."

Steve grinned, "Remember on the trail, we couldn't ever agree on who would make breakfast?"

"Until you came up with the brilliant plan of taking down my tent for me every morning. That pretty much solved it for me."

"So if you make breakfast, then should I go up and make your bed?"

Amber giggled, "I have a better idea, why don't you look at that car that I told you about last night. I really want to go look at it before someone else buys it."

"Ok, I can do that. You need a car. Maybe we can go see it after breakfast. I want to spend the afternoon going over your case."

"Oh yea," she sighed heavily; the bad news had been concealed under her happiness. "I guess we should talk about that."

He saw the stress and pain instantly consume her, feeling bad for putting it there. "You know what? I have a better idea. Why don't we buy that car this morning, and then spend the afternoon filling it up with baby supplies? We're going to need them, we might as well get started."

"Are you sure? Maybe we should go over the case, it's important."

"Hey," he said, putting a hand on her face, "it is important, but it's not anything I can't handle tomorrow at work. It'll be over before you know it, Amber. I promise."

A smile slowly appeared on her lips again, hearing the calmness in his voice that moved over to her as well. "Ok then, let's go shopping."

Steve leaned over and kissed her cheek, glad to see the joy return to her face, "You better make it a big breakfast," he teased, "sounds like I'm going to need it."

The game of denial didn't win a hand on this morning. The night before had been spontaneous as it had the first time they'd made love, but on this morning after, there was clearly a spark in each other's eyes that neither tried to hide.

….

Steve dropped the last bag on the floor of the living room as he and Amber stared at the pile from a variety of stores and started to laugh over the size of it.

"A baby is only this big," Steve said amazed, spreading his hands out to imitate the size of a newborn. "How could they use that much stuff?"

Amber looked over at him with an amused grin, "A newborn goes through about eight to ten diapers a day!"

He looked at her astounded, "What?! Seriously? They don't even eat that much."

Amber laughed out loud over that, "Ok, tell that to my nipples after the first week."

He looked at her again, only this time it was with shock and curiosity, "Are you going to breast feed?"

"Of course," she said as if that were a silly question.

"Oh, well," he stammered, "I don't know, I guess that's the best thing."

"And healthiest for the baby. Why? Do you have a problem with that?"

"What? No, not at all. I guess I just never thought about it until just now." His eyes instinctively went to her cleavage in the tank top she had on. "Does it hurt?" he asked naively.

Amber shrugged, "In the beginning it can get uncomfortable and painful but then it settles down after a couple of weeks and its ok again."

"How long do you breast feed for? The whole time?"

She noticed that question was followed by an almost disappointing tone from him. "A couple of months, maybe more, it just depends on the baby and the circumstances. I just get the feeling that you're not on board with it."

"I am," he quickly replied, "I know it's the best thing and I'm glad that you are." The disappointment returned to his face, "I was just looking forward to feeding them too, but I guess its what's best for the baby."

Amber smiled going to one of the bags and shuffling through it. She pulled out a breast pump and showed it to him. "This will ensure that you will get plenty of feeding time, Steve. I promise."

He looked closer at it and smiled, "I was wondering about that when it came across the belt at the store. Did you use one of those before?"

"Not with Adam, but I did with Ava because it was just too hard to keep up with a toddler while trying to breast feed a newborn full time."

He watched as her mood quickly changed, knowing why too. It was the mention of Adam and Ava; sometimes her memory was manageable but not always.

Grieving for her children wasn't something she could control, nor did he find it the least bit disappointing or tiresome. It just made him all the more aware of what kind of woman she was and what kind of mother she would be. It eased his own fears at times of the coming force that was going to reshape his life forever, but with Amber by his side, as the days ticked down, so did his fear of becoming a father.

Amber stared at the pile of bags hating once again that this new baby would never have the opportunity to know Adam who would have been a wonderful, protective older brother, or Ava who would have taken care of it as if it were her own.

She turned away as tears came to her eyes, trying to hide the evidence from Steve but he refused to ignore the feelings that she may have wanted him too.

She felt a gentle hand on her back as she froze, still not used to the type of compassion that he held for people, especially her. It was foreign to her, but at the same time she was more than grateful for it. The comfort she felt from just that touch was amazing but as his arms went around her the emotional turmoil inside of her exploded as she fell into him, needing to release the sadness from within or it would fester like an unattended wound. She was with the one person who would not question or rush the moment. He would simply stand with her until it had run its course.

He hated the sadness that was engulfing her, but there was a selfish side of himself that he admitted that he liked being the one whom she trusted and relied on for the comfort needed to ease the pain.

He had succeed again as she slowly pulled away from him, wiping her eyes as she did.

"I'm sorry, Steve," she quickly apologized. "I don't know what comes over me sometimes."

"Amber," he said firmly but in a gentle tone, still caressing her feelings. "You don't have to apologize to me for that. Ever."

"Thank you," she replied sincerely, smiling through her tears at his thoughtfulness that was as genuine as he was.

He smiled as well, not because the moment had passed, but because he had been there for her when she needed it. Being a physical support had always been something he was capable of delivering, but being an emotional support was something that he was now just learning with Amber, and it wasn't as uncomfortable as he had always thought it would be, it was comforting to him as well.

Catherine had never been one to wear her heart on her sleeve, neither of them did. Showing weakness was never their style. They loved each other that was undeniable, but it was always kept at a comfort level where neither one of them had to say it, they felt it, at least he did, assured she did as well, hoping she did he thought to himself.

For the first time he began to question the inner feelings he and Catherine shared. Did she feel what he did without his having to tell her? He thought of the playful notes she would leave him around the house and in his car, and even sometimes at work, expressing herself that way rather than vocally. He never did that for her.

It was a crushing blow to him feeing that maybe he had failed her in that way. Did she know how much he loved her? Would she have known that losing her would cripple him as it had?

He looked at Amber as she wiped her eyes with a tissue, feeling guilty for giving her what came out so easily and never being able to do that for his wife.

Why? Why her?

…

Christopher Hairfield hung up the phone and clapped his hands together. "I got it!"

His partner John looked across at him with a questioning stare, "Got what?"

"The break I've been looking for," he said, pushing away from his desk.

John knew what it was about, the woman from the murder case he had re-opened a few weeks before. Over the course of the past week it was all that Chris had worked on. The phone calls back and forth to Hawaii were numerous as he filed for a warrant there for her arrest. He was kept at an arms length from the case and gave up asking about it, knowing his help wasn't wanted.

"Congratulations," he replied uncaringly, as Chris walked away toward his Captain's office. He focused back on the reports on his computer.

"Captain?" Chris said, rapping on the doorframe with his knuckles to his boss's office. "You got a minute?"

The older man looked up from his paperwork and motioned for him to come inside, "Sure, what do you got?"

Chris came inside and closed the door. "That Scott murder case I've been working on, Sir, I just heard from the Hawaiian Police Department. They have issued the warrant based on the evidence I gave them, both from the murder itself and from the recent credit card purchases the accused has been using over there."

"Did they arrested the suspect yet?" he asked.

"No Sir, they haven't located her yet."

He sat back in his chair looking at Chris as he held his hands together, tapping his index fingers together as if studying him. "So what's your next move then?"

"Well Sir," he began, hoping to get his request granted. "I'd like to go there and see if I can locate her myself."

"You have no jurisdiction in Hawaii. Even if you did find her, you can't arrest her."

"I understand, Sir, but I could have the authorities arrest her based on the warrant and then have her extradited back here for trial."

He sighed heavily over that plan, knowing what it would consist off and the money as well. "We're a small town Chris, our funds don't extend very far."

"Yes, Sir. I would fly there on my own if you were willing to give me the time away."

"Really?" he asked, shocked over his request.

"Yes, Sir. This is very important to me. You know it is. The victims…" he began and then paused, glancing at the floor. "They were like family."

"I know who they are." He rose from behind his desk and came around to him, "I've read over the report Chris and I signed off on it, but it's thin."

"I have an eyewitness, Sir that is willing to testify that they saw her there, at the boat dock the morning of the shooting. I believe she is hiding something, and could possibly be the one that pulled the triggers that killed her family."

He sighed heavily again, giving the inclination that it was still thin as far as he was concerned, knowing of the witness and their credentials.

Chris saw that look of doubt increase on his Captain's face. "Just hear me out, Sir," he pleaded, but kept his demeanor calm and professional, not wanting him to see just how personally he wanted this. He had sacrificed hours, days and even weeks hunting for clues; unable to grasp the truth that Kevin had done the deed. He had almost given up until Amber disappeared from town overnight, convinced more than ever that she was indeed hiding something and then as he tracked her down, all doubts vanished and she became the guilty one in his mind, regardless of the lack of evidence.

"Her family is dead," he began to explain his evidence, "she waits a couple of months until the house is sold and the all the insurance money has been paid out, and then she leaves town. She heads off on some hike from Mexico to California. While she's there she meets up with some guy. I know she did because I traced her credit card purchases and spoke to a bartender in Chester, California from an establishment that they went to. Male, approximately six two, medium build, dark hair. She paid for the tab at the bar but the bartender over heard them talking that they were staying at a hotel up the street. The guy must have paid for the room because I have no record of her using her card there other than the bar bill. And then another time she used it at an establishment in Oregon. I tried to reach out to the proprietor, a woman named Annabelle Stilt, but she refused to give information over the phone about either one of them. She said if it was so important that they should come see her in person, with a search warrant for her records." He rolled his eyes, recalling that frustrating conversation. "I think she might have problem with authority."

"Go on," his Captain said, becoming intrigued by his investigation.

"Right after that, she books a flight from Bend, Oregon to Portland and then to Hawaii, she's been there ever since. I'm trying to get a copy of the flight manifest to see who she sat next to, but it's difficult. I checked out the apartment she was living in here and she moved out, sold everything and put a few things in storage. So now she's in Hawaii, living a nice sweet life with I'm assuming this guy. The last place she charged something was yesterday at a local department store in Honolulu. Probably bathing suits and tanning lotion," he said sarcastically. "She's there now. It's a small island. I can find her, I know I can."

His Captain rubbed his hands over his face and then let them slide down, studying him as he did.

"How much of this is professional and how much of it is personal?" he asked. "And don't give me a bullshit answer. I want to know."

Chris sat down on the small loveseat behind him, "I know what this sounds like Sir but I knew my partner Kevin, and I knew his kids and I knew his wife. He wasn't happy. He tried to be a good father and a good husband to her, but nothing he did was good enough for her. She demanded too much from him and from the children as well," he lied. "She was a selfish person, very selfish. My wife will even tell you." He added that last part knowing there would be no argument from Teresa his wife, she would say whatever he told her to say.

The Captain ran his hand over his salt and pepper hair, before caving in. "Ok, ok. I'll give you a week. One week," he held up his finger, "at the stations expense, but after that, if you haven't located her, then you'll have to wait until the Hawaiian Police do their job."

"Thank you, Sir," he said relieved, holding his hand out to him. "I'm hoping the Hawaiian Police Department will cooperate with me in locating her."

"If they can get off their surfboards long enough," he joked, shaking his hand. He didn't let go right away, holding it securely, "Seriously though Chris, I want to say what a good job you've done on this case, great investigative work. I can't say that I'm not completely on board with John being left out of the loop, but I understand your appetite for this."

"Thank you, Sir. And thank you for this opportunity for me to see justice done for my friend and his children."

Chris came out of the office and back to his desk sitting down and facing his computer. He maneuvered his mouse to bring up Google and entered 'American Airlines' and pressed search.

He looked across at John, "Hey, I'm going to be gone for about a week."

"Where are you going?"

"Hawaii, to bring back a murderer."

John was surprised by that, "They arrested her and you've already got permission to extradite her back to Indiana?"

He looked at him irritably for raining on his parade, "No, not yet, but I'll find her and I'll get her back here."

John smiled curtly, wondering if the guy knew the law at all.

….

Steve held a chair out for Amber as she sat down, her eyes focused on the beach that was just steps away from the restaurant they were dining at.

"It's so beautiful tonight," she declared, smiling across at him as he sat down.

He too glanced out at the familiar sight. "It's a pretty sunset." He looked back over at her as she admired the view again. He couldn't help but admire her as well. She was shimmering in the midst of the setting sunlight that was coming off the ocean. Her auburn hair was getting longer and looked shiny and healthy, hanging just past her breasts. The dark green sundress she had on showed off her new tan. She looked beautiful, thinking to himself that pregnancy was a very good look on her.

"Do you ever get used to this view?" she asked, looking back over at him, feeling her heart skip as they locked eyes. She knew of the cliché' sensation of lovers feeling as if they were the only two in the world, but at that second, the entire restaurant vanished and it was just the two of them in the entire world.

She couldn't speak, she could even breathe. He had a hold of her so tightly she felt her head begin to swirl because of it.

_'Why her?'_ he thought again.

He had asked himself that question several times over the past twenty-four hours, but as she sat across from him now, it took on a new life, adding another word to his inquiry that formed a new phrase.

'_Why not her?'_

The words that followed that thought seemed to flow upward from his heart and roll off his tongue. "For the first time in a long time," he revealed to her, "I'm looking forward to the future."

His words were just as powerful as the meaningful way in which he had said them. Her emotional state recently was fragile but the tears that sprang to life in hers eyes this time were not from sadness, but from happiness. "I am too," she replied, putting her hand over her lower belly. "This little surprise sure has been a blessing hasn't it?"

Steve smiled agreeing with her, "Yes, it has. You look really pretty tonight, Amber. Pregnancy agrees with you."

She looked down, feeling her face flush, "Thank you." She looked back out toward the water as it turned dark, "And thank you for taking me out to dinner tonight."

She didn't have to verbally thank him; he could see the gratitude all over her face, which in turn pleased him beyond words.

"What are you hungry for?" he asked, picking up his menu.

"Everything!"

They both laughed as she opened hers as well.

"Order whatever you want and as much as you want."

She smiled across at him, knowing that wasn't just a play on words, it was true if she wanted it. He backed up the claim when the server came to take their order.

"Umm," Amber staggered, staring at two items on the menu that she just couldn't decide between.

Steve made the choice for her. We'll have the Kahlua Pork plate," he said to the waiter, "the Chicken Parmesan and the Top Sirloin, medium rare. And we'll start off with a side of french fries and onion rings." He closed his menu and handed it to the waiter, smiling across at her. He'd simply ordered everything she had mentioned.

"That's a lot of food," she giggled, but didn't take any of it back.

"We're eating for three now."

She grinned and bit her bottom lip, looking up at the waiter who smiled sweetly at her, letting his eyes drift to her belly.

"Save room," he said to her. "You should see the dessert cart." He took her menu and walked off with a wide grin, feeling a big tip in his future from that table.

…

Amber came in through the front door first, followed by Steve carrying a plastic bag with all the leftovers, including a piece of seven layer chocolate cake that hadn't been touched, but ordered because he knew she would appreciate it later.

"That was the best dinner ever!" she declared, going into the kitchen with him. "And it's the gift that will just keep on giving."

"It was pretty good," he chuckled, putting the food in the fridge. He glanced at his watch surprised at the time. "It's almost ten thirty."

"I know, I'm glad we went for that walk on the beach," Amber replied, "I'm not as full now."

"I have to be up early," Steve said, wanting to get to the office early to get to work on the ridiculous warrant that was issued in her name. After the initial shock of it, neither had really spoken of it again. The charges were bogus; they both knew it so why waste time mulling over it. He especially didn't want her to feel any stress whatsoever, keeping any thoughts or ideas to himself, and jotting them down when he did. This was going to be the most important case of his life and he was mentally prepared to go to battle for her.

He locked the front door as she came out of the kitchen, unintentionally meeting him at the steps.

"Thank you again, Steve for taking me out tonight."

"It was my pleasure. The food was good but the company was exquisite." He loved that they had fallen right back in step with their PCT days, never a pause in the conversation.

She felt him put his hand on her lower back as they went up, knowing it was just a simple gesture but to her it meant security.

They reached the top step and she went to go to her room when she felt his hand grasp her fingers. She looked over at him as he took a step toward his room.

He didn't say it but he didn't have to either, she knew he wanted her to follow him. So she did.

He brought her to his room and let go of her hand, going into the bathroom and leaving her to undress or do what it was that she did to get ready for bed.

She slipped out of her dress, assuming he wanted sex again since he had brought her to his room. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. She was a little taken back by his arrogance that he would just take it for granted that she did too.

Was that why he had taken her out to dinner she thought, expecting sex in return, a form of payment perhaps?

She felt a little queasy, thinking that was something that Kevin would have done, not ever expecting Steve to try and pull something so egotistical.

She heard the sink turn off and contemplated going to her room and letting him know that she was not to be played with that way. She had lived that life of being told and not asked and wasn't about to let him set the tone for it all over again.

He came out of the bathroom wearing a pair of cut-offs sweats and smiled at her as she stood holding her dress up in front of her, staring at him as he went to the lanai doors and opened them.

"It's nice out tonight, some fresh air would feel good. Do you mind?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and slipping his watch off and setting it on the nightstand.

He looked over his shoulder at her when she didn't answer, still seeing her standing there holding her dress up in front of her topless body.

"If you want to have sex it would be nice to be asked, rather than just bring me in here and then assume I'll get in your bed," she blasted him.

He didn't say anything but got up again and went to his dresser. He opened the second drawer and lifted up a neatly folded pile of T-shirts, pulling out the one he was looking for and then closed it.

He shook out the shirt as he walked over to her.

"Hands up," he grinned, holding the bottom of the shirt open.

"What?" she asked confused.

"Put this on, it might get a little chilly if you sleep in nothing."

She let go of the dress as he took it and laid it across the end of the bed. She stared at him bewilderedly. He faced her again but his eyes were on hers and not her bare breasts that were only inches from his equally bare chest.

She lifted her hands up and he slid the large shirt over her head that fit like a dress, covering her small frame and tiny bump.

"I didn't want you to come in here to have sex," he said to her, looking at her hand as he took it ever so gently, holding just her fingers with his. "I just got to the top of the stairs and I wasn't ready to part ways yet." He looked up her face as her expression softened, "I'm actually really tired and I have a pretty big day tomorrow. So maybe we could take a rain check on the sex part."

She desperately tried to conceal her embarrassed smile as she rolled her eyes, "I just thought…I don't know."

"Are you disappointed now?" he teased her, sighing heavily. "I guess I could if you really had your heart set on it."

Amber playfully slugged him on the arm. "Stop!" she blushed even more. "Ok, ok, so I miss read the signs, I'm sorry."

He pulled on her hand, guiding her to the bed and then let go, turning off the light before going around to the other side.

He laid down in the darkness as she did the same, rolling over on her side and facing him as he lay on his back with one arm tucked under his head, looking over at her. He was nothing like Kevin and she felt horrible for even putting him in the same thought as that monster. He didn't want anything more than to just be next to her.

"Good night," Steve said to her. "If you get cold just wake me up and I'll close the door."

He was everything she had ever wanted in a man, and there he was lying just inches from her.

She sat up on her elbow and braced her other hand across him, looking down at his wicked grin over her unexpected move.

"I want that rain check," she whispered, and then kissed him, feeling his hand slide into her hair.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

Steve stood on his lanai in the dark, looking at Amber as she slept in his bed. It was a sight that was familiar to him, standing in the same place but admiring a different woman.

He turned away from the view and faced the ocean still shaken up from the event that had taken place not long before.

He'd awoken from a dream about Catherine, startling himself as he rolled over and said her name only to realize it was Amber next to him and not his wife.

The dream had felt so real; touching her, talking with her.

He gripped the wooden railing trying to fight off the painful emotions that were quickly surfacing, threatening his security that he thought he had under control.

He bent his head and closed his eyes as the built up moisture spilled out, catching it and smearing it over his face with his hand as he tried to wipe away the evidence.

Catherine was never far from his thoughts. She lived in his heart and always would, but over the past few weeks with Amber, he'd felt that he'd dealt with the death and was moving on, but it wasn't true. The dream had proven that.

He missed her now more than ever.

He hadn't dreamt of her in weeks, attributing this vivid one because it happened to fall on the same night that he had eagerly brought someone else into his bed, the bed he and Catherine had shared. The guilt was eating at him so excruciatingly that he couldn't even look at Amber. How could he have moved on so carelessly while his wife lay in a coffin, buried in the ground? The dishonor he felt to their marriage was heartbreaking, not knowing how to get past it as the tears just kept coming.

He felt a hand on his back, startling him as he quickly moved away from it, feeling both embarrassed by his tears and fearful that he might feel relief from the gentle touch, his guilt holding onto that pain that he felt he deserved. He had called her by another woman's name, his dead wife no less.

"Steve," Amber whimpered, seeing the sorrow that was consuming him. She grabbed ahold of his arm as he tried to walk away. "Wait."

"I'm fine," he replied, pulling out of her grip, wanting out of the room.

"Stop!" she cried out, following behind him, but he refused. She yelled again just as he was reaching the door. "Steven! Stop!"

Out of his respect for her, and that alone, he did as he was told.

She came around the front of him as he stood his ground but turned his head, trying to hide the evidence that was engulfing him. "I'm sorry, Amber, for what I said."

She put her hands on his shoulders, squeezing them, willing him to hear her, "I understand what you're feeling! It's ok. I don't care what you said. You miss your wife, and being with me has made you miss her even more. It's ok to feel that! I want you too. You need to feel it, but you also need to find a way to let the guilt go. I don't want to take Catherine's place, nor do I don't want this baby to take Adam and Ava's place. We need to find a way to cope with the guilt of being the survivor. I need you for that, and you need me for it too, because I know what you're feeling!"

He put a hand over his face, the impact of her words setting off a whole new set of emotions. He did need her, more than he thought he did. "I'm sorry," he cried.

Amber stood on her toes and put her arms around his neck, holding him tightly as he buried his face in her neck. "No apologies. You love her as much as I love my children."

"I don't want to lose you because of this," he whimpered. "I need you, Amber." Admitting that to her was like a breath of fresh air as he breathed it in, finding that relief he thought was impossible to attain.

"I know. I need you too," she assured him, "I'm not going anywhere."

She held him firmly, not letting him go, the same as he had done for her during her earlier breakdown.

His embrace was equally strong, clinging to her, feeling his crisis coming to a peaceful end because of her.

They finally released the tender hold but stayed close as he wiped away the remaining moisture from his eyes, not feeling that shame anymore in the least.

He looked at the gentle smile she had for him as a wave of love overshadowed the guilt. He did need her he thought. In this unfortunate course of his life, he grew to need her more than he ever had anyone before, even his wife.

…

Amber felt his lips on her forehead as she opened her eyes, seeing him leaning over her fully dressed. They had gone back to bed after the earlier incident but now he was up and ready to go…somewhere.

"What time is it?" she asked groggily.

"Five," Steve whispered. "Go back to sleep."

"Where are you going?"

"To the office. I want to get a head start on your case."

"At five in the morning?" she questioned.

"Yes, but its ten in Indiana," he reminded her with a raised eyebrow and cool grin.

Amber smiled sleepily, "Early bird gets the worm."

"Or in my case, squashes the worm," he joked, kissing her on the lips this time before standing up. "I'll call ya later."

"Ok, be safe," she whispered, rolling over and already half asleep as the next words staggered out of her mouth. "Love you," she mumbled, her eyes closed.

Steve was halfway out the door and stopped, turning his head looking back at her, questioning what he thought he had just heard.

She looked like she was already back asleep, hugging her pillow and breathing softly.

He stared at her for a few seconds longer, digesting the words that still seemed to be floating in the air. She had said it so casually as if it was a natural occurrence with his daily departure. It wasn't proclaimed in a romantic way in which it required a return, it was sweet, and the meaning behind it just made him all the more determined to get to work and take care of the business of defending her.

He descended the steps with a broad smile.

…

Steve held the phone receiver with his shoulder as he leaned over his desk and grabbed a pen out of the blue pottery cup that Gracie had made for him in school four years before. It was one of his top favorite items that garnished his office.

"Warren County Sherriff's Department," the woman answered on the other end in a dry professional manner. "How may I direct your call?"

"Officer Christopher Hairfield please," Steve replied, tapping the pen impatiently on the warrant that was on his desk.

"One moment please."

He heard a click and then it began to ring.

He sat up, anticipating the voice on the other end, taking in a deep breath and letting it slowly, trying to soothe his temper. He was anxious to speak to the person who was causing Amber added grief, wishing they were face to face.

It rang three more times when the woman's voice reappeared. "I'm sorry but Detective Hairfield is not at his desk. Could I please take a message for him?"

"Is there someone else I could speak with? His partner or the Captain perhaps?"

"One moment please. I'll see if Detective Heroshi is available," she replied in the same robot tone as the line clicked again and began to ring.

"Detective Heroshi," the voice answered almost immediately.

Steve held him in the same regard as he did Hairfield. "This is Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett with the Honolulu Police Department, I'm calling in regards to a warrant that your department issued for Amber Michelle Scott, case number D as in Delta, 54290841."

"Yes," John replied, not needing to look up the case to know which one he was referring, "that was done by my partner Detective Hairfield. He's the one you will want to speak with about this."

Steve thought that to be an odd statement. "Do you know how I can reach him?"

"You said you're with the Hawaiian Police Department?" John asked.  
"Yes, does he have a cell number? I need some information about the case."

"Actually, Commander, he's on a flight to Honolulu as we speak. Do you have the suspect in custody?"

He was shocked by that news. "He's on his way here…now?!"

"Yes. He wanted to see if he could get some cooperation from your department in locating the suspect."

The arrogance of him coming to his island to try and take Amber back to Indiana made his eye switch and the vein in the side of temple begin to throb. He wanted to deal with Hairfield face to face and was happy to know he was going to get his chance, but in the meantime, he'd settle for his partner if he had too. He just wanted the information on what they had as soon as possible so he could get to work on clearing her name.

"No," Steve replied, "she has not been arrested. I don't know how you run your department over there," he said coldly, "but here we do some investigating before we go running out and start arresting our citizens for murder."

The sarcasm was crystal clear. John was beginning to get irritated that he was taking on the burden of Chris' amateur way in which he was handling this case, both with the warrant and with keeping him in the dark.

"I agree Commander and I can assure you that's how I work as well. However, Chris," he began and then paused, wanting to criticize his partner, but held his tongue. They were partners whether they liked each other or not, but he also felt they should always have each other's back, even if it wasn't mutual. "What can I do for you, Commander?"

I need the file," he said coolly. "What is the evidence you have to issue a warrant for murder a year after the deaths?"

John turned his chair toward his computer and began typing in the password for his credentials. "What's the case number again on the warrant?'

Steve was equally puzzled by that question, "I have to tell you? You don't have it?"

"I told you, I'm not directly involved with this case," John replied, feeling foolish for even saying that, cursing his so called partner once again. "Chris has been working solo on it."

"I thought you said you were partners?"

"We are."

"I'm sorry," Steve huffed, "but are you telling me you work separate cases from your partner?" He thought that was absurd. Every case he worked Danny worked and vise versa, that's just the way it was.

"This is a unique situation." John defended himself now, not thinking of Chris, feeling slightly humiliated knowing he was obviously talking to a veteran officer who thought it odd as well that he wasn't involved. "Chris found some evidence and re-opened the case on his own. We've only been partners for a short time and even though I had offered my help and experience, he declined."

"Wow," he replied, sitting back in his chair. "And by your experience'," he said, "I'm only assuming that you have been on the force longer than him?"

"Yes, fifteen years longer."

"Ok then, so am I safe to say that I am working with a novice detective when he lands?"

"Let's just say that he doesn't work in the same style as I do."

Steve could hear the sarcasm in his voice, beginning to get a clear picture of this partnership. "Maybe you can help me get a heads up on this case then, Detective. I'm going to need the current file and the file from the original case. I'd like to be up to date when I meet with Detective Hairfield so we can go over the facts and there is no miscommunication. Can you make that happen?"

John pulled up his account, "Sure. I'll upload it to the national database right now. You should see it within the hour."

"I appreciate that, Detective Heroshi, thanks for your help."

John was impressed that when he used his last name he had spoken it with the proper Japanese pronunciation. Not hearing it since he had left New York six months before. "I'm just glad to hear that someone from your department is looking in to her case."

That got Steve's attention, "Really? Do you have reservations about this new…evidence?" he emphasized the word evidence as if it were a foul word.

And on the other end of the phone, John's attention was ignited as well. "Commander, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Do you know Amber Scott personally?"

He was silent, wondering if he had given it away by his harsh tone. "Why would you ask that?"

"It's not because I can hear the anger in your voice over our obvious fault in issuing this warrant, nor is it because I've been a detective for fifteen years and trust my instincts. Those were both added interests, but the one that gave you away Commander is why you would drag yourself into the office first thing Monday morning at five thirty Hawaii time to get information on a warrant unless you had some kind of personal stake in it? Unless of course I'm mistaken, and if so, then I apologize, but I don't think I am."

Steve was silent again, but did have a slight grin on his face over the clever way in which he had been discovered. He was beginning to like this guy.

"You're a good detective," he replied, "but I also sensed some sarcasm in your voice as well, am I wrong to say that you have reservations as well about this warrant and about Christopher Hairfield's professional work and motives for this case?"

John smiled on the other end, "I have to say Commander, if you and I teamed up we might be able to solve the Hoffa disappearance."

Steve laughed over his unexpected sense of humor. "To answer your question, yes, Detective Heroshi, I do know Amber Scott and I also believe strongly in the justice system that I serve now and when I was in the service, and I don't like it when people try to manipulate the law to appease themselves or their own misguided thoughts. Don't you agree?"

John sat back in his chair, "I do agree Commander. And to answer your question, yes, I do have reservations about the warrant, but then again I don't know the backstory, I only know the current one, but I also don't agree with people who use their credentials to help out a friend who may or may not be guilty of murder."

Steve nodded, not able to disagree with him on that, not taking offense to it either, Heroshi didn't know him from Jack. "I agree Detective. Maybe we should both read over the file, old and new and then talk and see where we stand."  
"Ok," he agreed, "I don't want to see anyone accused of a false crime," John said, "especially murder."

"And I'm not about to let anyone, and I mean anyone, get away with a crime, especially murder."

John nodded, wishing this guy were his partner and not the one he was stuck with. Chris had better have his I's dotted and his T's crossed, he thought amusingly, because this Commander McGarrett was not playing around. "Do you have a number where I can reach you, Commander?"

Steve gave him his cell number and direct office number, "You can reach me twenty-four seven," he said to him, "and you can call me Steve, Detective Heroshi." He was confident in saying that he liked him.

"Very well, Steve, I'm John."

"Thanks for your help, John. One more thing," his eyes narrowed as that vein began to throb again, "do you know which airline Hairfield is flying?"

….

Danny came in the office earlier than normal carrying two cups of fresh coffee and went straight to Steve's office, he knew he'd already be there and he was right.

"Good morning," he announced coming through the door that was propped open.

"Good morning, Partner," Steve smiled, glad to see him there, feeling a little extra appreciative over the partner he had in Danny after talking with John.

Danny set the cup down on his desk, "So have you closed the case yet?" he grinned, stepping back and taking a seat in the armed leather chair across from his desk.

"I spoke to his partner this morning in Indiana."

"Really? How did that go?"

"Well I got the file from him and I also got the strong impression that there is no friendship beyond the partnership."

"Hmm," Danny replied, "perhaps his partner too tries to get him killed around every turn," he joked.

Steve rolled his eyes, "You'd be bored to death without me."

"Yea probably," Danny grumbled.

"I've been reading over the current police file on Amber," Steve pointed at his laptop and chuckled, "This new eye witness they suddenly found, he's claiming to have seen Amber in the boat with her husband and kids that morning. He's twenty-three years old and has been arrested eight times on various charges from petty theft to drug possession," he huffed.

"Sounds like a set up to me. Is that what you're thinking too?"

"This whole report is a joke. I'm even in it."

"What?!" Danny looked at him surprisingly.

"Yep," he focused back on his laptop and maneuvered the mouse over the file. "And I quote, she met up with an unidentified male on the Pacific Crest Trail and is traveling with him, possible second suspect, Caucasian, between 25 to 45 years of age, six foot, dark hair and medium build." He looked across at Danny as they both busted up laughing.

"Are you serious with that?" Danny pointed at the laptop. "You're making that up."

"You can't make that shit up," Steve laughed. "Medium build?" he joked angrily, raising his right arm and flexing his bicep. "This isn't medium build."

"I'm impressed that someone described you as being potentially 25 years old," Danny teased.

They both laughed again over that.

"Who does this guy think he is?" Danny chuckled. "A comedic Sherlock Holmes?"

"Well we're going to get a chance to find out," Steve grinned. "His partner John said Hairfield is on a plane in this direction as we speak."

"No way?!" Danny laughed again. "He's coming here without an arrest being made yet? This guy means business," he said, meaning it more as a punch line of a joke rather than a threat.

"You do know, with her staying at my house, I've been potentially harboring a fugitive."

"Not potentially," Danny correct him, "you are harboring a fugitive." He raised the next subject a little nervously, knowing it would not go over well. "We need to get her in here, or move her."

Steve sat back in his chair, "Or simply clear her name, which is my intention. We might be able to do it before that little douchebag even lands. I can meet him at the airport, kick his ass for bringing this down on Amber to begin with and then put him on another flight home all before he even gets the chance to breathe the Hawaiian air."

Danny smiled, envisioning that scenario. "Ok, works for me. So what do ya got so far and where do you want me to start?"

"Web cams," Steve said, "find web cams from Amber's old home address all the way to the dock where her husband took the kids. He left early in the morning, six-thirty on a Saturday, so there shouldn't be much traffic."

"Got it."

"What about me, Boss?" Kono asked as she stood at the door to his office.

Steve motioned for her to come in, "Good morning. You're early."

"I knew you two would be here. How's Amber holding up?"

"She's ok. I think the shock of it has settled, and I told her I'd take care of it, which I plan to do."

Kono smiled brightly, "Oh I'm sure of that. What do you need from me today?"

"I need you and Chin to hold down the fort while Danny and I are busy getting this thing settled. But can you also check a flight manifest for me?"

"You mean for the douchebag?" she chuckled, hearing part of the conversation as she walked up. "Sure, does he have a name that he goes by or does everyone just assume he goes by Mr. Douchebag because he is one?"

Danny and Steve looked at each other and laughed.

"Well, if they don't have him listed as Mr. Douchebag, then you should try for Detective Christopher Hairfield. Let me know what time his flight lands."

"I'm on it." She got up and started for the door. "Chin's on his way. He stopped for gas." As she came out she stopped, seeing Amber coming through the glass doors into the offices. "Hey," she said, leaning back into Steve's office. "Amber's here."

"What?!" He got up from behind his desk and met up with her as she was slowly walking down the corridor towards him, admiring each office as she did.

"Hi, I like your offices. Very nice."

"Thank you," he replied perplexed, looking at her oddly as she stood before him, "What are you doing here?"

"After you left this morning I started thinking. Since there is a warrant out for my arrest and I'm staying at your house, and you know that there is a warrant out for me, you are breaking the law by allowing me to stay there, or knowing my whereabouts without arresting me. So…I'm here to turn myself in."

"You don't have to do that."

"Yes I do. I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize your career or you in general. So lets just do what we have to."

He loved her for the fact that she was doing it for him, but the vision of her being in a jail cell made him cringe, but more than that, the idea of Hairfield having any kind of access to her wasn't going to happen, not if he had anything to do with it.

"Hey," Danny jumped in, "this may not be a bad idea."

Steve looked at him like he was crazy, "Of course it is! I don't want Hairfield having any kind of contact to her when he lands."

"What do you mean when he lands?" Amber asked, her face quickly turning to a deep concern.

Steve saw it too, the one thing he wanted to avoid. "I talked to his partner this morning in Indiana, he's on a flight here right now."

"What?!" Amber stepped back as the fear turned to panic. "Steve," she whimpered, "I don't want to see him!"

"You won't," he assured her, hating the look of terror that sprung to life in her eyes, on her face. "I won't allow it."

"If he's coming here then he wants to take me back. You don't know him. He's a dangerous man!" It was as if Kevin himself was on that flight.

Danny couldn't help but step in, moving in front of Steve, "Amber, you don't have to be afraid. We've seen the report and we've seen the new evidence that he says he has and it's bullshit. We already have several strategies to clear your name. It'll happen quickly."

"He's just very…" she began nervously when Danny cut her off.

"He's nothing. You think he's dangerous?" Danny chuckled, pointing with his thumb over his shoulder at Steve, "This is dangerous. This guy Hairfield, he has no idea what he's in for."

Kono let out a loud laugh over that. "He's got that right. The boss is going to clean the floor with him."

"Hey you guys," Steve jumped in, "you're going to scare her away from me too." He smiled and winked at her.

Just as before, she felt the fear slide away, knowing she had a barrier of protection around her, led by Steve. "Ok," she agreed a little more calmly, "thank you," she looked over at Kono, "thank you all, but I still don't want to give him any leverage, so I still want to turn myself in."

"I think that's a smart idea," Danny said, he looked at Steve with a playful grin, "Book her McGarrett."

"No way," Steve pointed at him, "don't even try to use my line!"

"I'm going to get moving on that flight manifest," Kono announced, making her way to her office.

"And I'm going to check out the webcams," Danny said.

"Don't you need to fingerprint me?" Amber asked.

"No, but I might frisk you," Steve grinned, moving out of her way so she could enter his office.

She bashfully rolled her eyes at him as she went inside.

She looked around at the masculine yet also tastefully decorated space. "This is your office?" she said as if impressed.

"Yes. Do you like it?"

"I do. It's very comfortable and inviting," she looked over her shoulder at him. "It reminds me of your house."

He didn't go around to his chair behind his desk as he normally would; instead he took a seat on the leather couch. "I'm not going to arrest you."

"I want to go by the book so Chris can't accuse you of any wrong doing."

"I was recruited to work directly for the Governor of Hawaii, Amber, and with it comes unique…privileges if you will. I can protect you far greater than you know, and I will."

She looked at him for a long time, seeing the bearded man on the trail with her and the man now sitting on the couch in the impressive office with the equally impressive job. They really weren't as far apart as she had once thought, mindful of the many times she had thought how easy life would be with him. He was proving that to her now, even in her time of crisis. He was unwavering in his pursuit to keep her safe. She felt truly blessed to have him in her life.

For the first time her vision of life with him went beyond just co-parenting. She wanted more. She wanted marriage again and more than just this one child with him. The guilt and fear were lifted, knowing she could truly trust him.

She was in love with him, it wasn't a question anymore; it was the simple truth. But could he ever feel the same about her? The night before had been extremely difficult for him, and she was glad she was there to help him through it, but it wasn't her name he had said in the dark as he awoke, wondering if she could ever live up to the woman that he had lost.

He misinterpreted the expression that overcame her as a sign of fear over her dilemma and not of a potential broken heart. He came off the couch and stood before her, putting a hand on her face as a form of comfort. "This will all go away, Amber. I promise." It was breaking his heart that she felt what she did, and awoken the anger in his gut for the man that was the cause of it.

"I know you will keep me safe, but why?" she asked boldly. "Is it because of me, or is it because of the baby?"

He removed his hand, knowing precisely what she was asking, but took the easy road, not prepared to answer that question to the degree that she was asking. "For you both."

She looked at him; knowing first hand how short life could be, needing him to know how she felt incase they walked out that door and never saw each other again.

"I love you," she said honestly and then quickly let him off the hook. "Don't say anything. Not now. And if you never do, that's ok too. I lived with a man for twelve years who said he loved me and then destroyed my life. I've lived with you for seven months and have never felt safer or more loved. So the words aren't as important to me as the way you make me feel."

He wanted to say it, but it just wouldn't come, not after the night before, he wasn't ready, at least not today.

"You are easy to please, Amber Scott," he confessed sincerely, thanking her with a kiss on the cheek for not rushing him, but for loving him all the same.

She smiled, feeling the tenderness of it all the way down to her toes.

"Hey," Kono said, leaning into his office. "He landed about an hour ago."

Steve gave her a slight toss of his head, acknowledging the information. He focused back on Amber. "I want you to go home."

"Steve, I still feel the need to…."

"I know," he cut her off. "Your objective of turning yourself in has been noted, so now I'm confining you to house arrest, at my residence."

Amber sighed, giving up the argument, "Ok, fine. I'll go home."

"It was pretty brave of you to come down here and turn yourself in to protect me. That too has been noted," he smiled, "as well as the reason for it," he said of her heartfelt confession, "that is greatly appreciated." He hung his head, feeling bad once again for saying Catherine's name. "About last night, Amber, what I said."

"You have a big heart, Steve. I think a lot bigger than what you want most people to see, but I see it. You're a good man. You would never do anything to purposely hurt me, I know it."

It was true. He let the matter go, thankful that she had too, "C'mon, I'll walk you to your car."

She stopped on her way out, mindful to thank Danny and Kono for their help.

As they came down the wide marble stairs of the main police station Amber stopped halfway down, "Steve, you don't have to walk me out. You have more important things to do."

"Ok, call me if you need anything. I don't know what time I'll be home."

"I'll have something ready for you no matter time it is."

He liked the sound of that, attributing her effort because of what she had confessed earlier, loving the benefits from it already. "This mess will all be over by the end of the day," he assured her.

Amber nodded her understanding, "Ok. Be safe," she said as she continued on down the stairs and toward the doors.

Steve watched her until she was out of sight. He went to turn and go back up but came down the rest of the steps instead, stopping at the main counter.

"Hey, Duke," he called out to the older man in uniform that was a veteran of more than thirty years.

"Hi, Steve." He made his way over to him, "What can I do for you, Commander?"

"Can you let me know if a cop from Indiana comes in asking questions about a murder warrant? His name is Christopher Hairfield."

Duke started to write down the information and then looked up at him, "Officer Hairfield? He's already here. Checked in about ten minutes ago."

Steve quickly shifted his body, looking around the room at all the familiar faces trying pinpoint the man that he was anxious to meet, feeling that vein in his temple begin to pulsate.

"Where is he?" he asked accusingly.

Duke pointed to the other side of the room, "I saw him walking outside a couple of minutes ago."

Steve felt his heart skip as he ran toward the door where Amber had just exited from as well.

Amber came out the glass doors to the parking lot, holding it open for an officer on his way in.

"Mahalo," he replied with a pleasant smile.

Amber returned the gesture, "You're welcome." She made a mental note to ask Steve what the Hawaiian term was for 'you're welcome'.

She loved living here and wanted to know more about the Hawaiian culture and the language of the people. She wanted to explore the island more too. Steve liked hiking and kayaking and was a surfer too. She'd never seen him do it, but saw the surf boards in the garage. She smiled as she walked to her car, feeling a wave of love wash over her, picturing him on the beach with a toddler on his shoulders, knowing what wonderful father he was going to be.

She went to reach in her purse that was over her shoulder when she was suddenly pushed forward into the side of her car. Her purse fell to the ground and she gasped from the pain as her stomach hit the rearview mirror.

She barely had time to react to the attack before Chris abruptly turned her around and shoved her again up against the car with his forearm under her neck.

"You thought you were going to get away with it, didn't you?" he said in low threatening voice.

She couldn't speak from the pressure on her throat and the fear that was engulfing her.

He couldn't believe when he saw her walking out the doors of the police station, it was as if fate had put her in his hands.

"You made his life hell," he growled. "You may not have had your hand on the gun, but you were the one that forced his hand to point it and pull that trigger. I'm going to make sure you spend the rest of your life in jail for what you did to him."

Amber shook her head, not understanding where all the hate was coming from.

He saw the fear, pleased over it, and then her eyes suddenly grew wide and she screamed out.

She didn't scream from fear of Chris, but from the rage on Steve's face as he rushed towards them.

Every visible shred of his body, all the way down to his clenched fists told her he was going to kill Chris right there in front of her, she was sure of it.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

"Get off her!"

Amber barely made out the words that were spoken in a deep voice that was void of any human connection. It was beast like, a warning to yield or face the wrath, yet Chris was given no time to make a choice let alone release the hold on her.

Steve wrapped his arm around his neck from behind and pulled him back away from her. He shifted his body and leaned to the side, taking Chris with him as his feet came off the ground. His whole body jerked as if he were a ragdoll and was then thrown to the ground face first with his cheek forced into the asphalt payment.

Steve applied more pressure on his face as Chris groaned in pain and squirmed trying to get free from the relentless hold.

"I'm a police officer!" Chris grunted out the words, in hopes that would relieve the situation.

Steve used his free hand, keeping the other on Chris' face and pulled his badge off his hip. He leaned down, holding it up to his face, "So am I."

"She's a murder," Chris grumbled. "She has a…ahhh," he cried out, feeling the pressure on his face increase.  
"If you keep pissing me off with your bullshit, I'm going to make you a permanent piece of this parking lot."

"Let me go!" Chris growled. "I can explain. Let me go!"

Steve looked up at Amber who stared down at him in shock over the display before her. She thought she had seen him angry before, but this was on a whole new level.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

She nodded staring at him with wide eyes.

"Good. Get in the car," he said to her, his voice still strongly mirroring his anger but on a more controlled tone for her. "Go home, right now."

She didn't ask questions or hesitate in any way. She fumbled with the car door handle, realizing it was locked. Her purse lay at her feet as she bent over, feeling a bruised pain in her stomach from the attack.

She picked up the keys and remotely unlocked the door, getting inside and starting the engine.

"You can't let her go!" Chris shouted.

Steve motioned with his head for her to go as she looked at him from the window. She put it in reverse and backed up, and then drove off.

"Commander," one of two officers asked as they hurried over to him, shocked over the incident that had taken place in their parking lot, but also very familiar with the man that seemed to have it under control as well, "do you need assistance, Sir?"

"Nope, everything is under control," he said calmly.

Steve lifted his hand and stood up, looking down at Chris.

"Detective Christopher Hairfield," he said in a low threatening tone. "I'm Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett. Stand up."

Chris lifted his face from the pavement and squinted in pain as he wiped away the tiny pieces of rocks that were partly embedded in his skin. He looked up at the towering figure with his arms crossed and staring down at him with not a hint of regret.

He pushed himself up to his knees and slowly got up with no assistance from his assailant.

He panted heavily and leaned over, brushing his pants legs off and then inspecting his right elbow that was scratched but not bleeding.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?!" Chris yelled. "You let her go! She's a murder suspect! You should have arrested…" he shut his mouth quickly and took a step back as Steve took a step toward him ready to attack again.

"You must like the taste of asphalt," Steve threatened him, "but if you don't keep your mouth shut, you're going to be tasting my fist down your throat."

Chris held his hands up in defense. "Whoa, take it easy. I'm not the enemy here." He looked in the direction of where Amber had driven off, angered that he had let her go, but as the scenario played out in his head he looked back over at Steve, wondering who this guy really was?

"Just let me explain who I am," Chris began when Steve cut him off.

"I know exactly who you are."

It was then that Chris recalled Steve calling him by name, "Hey, yea," he narrowed his eyes as he looked at him. "Who are you?"

"I already told you who I am, but I don't look familiar to you?" he scowled.

Chris shook his head, trying to figure out how in the hell he knew this guy and why he would attack him like he had. He was just making an arrest. "I don't know you. And is this how you treat fellow officers?"

"Is that how you make an arrest, by shoving someone up against a car and then verbally threatening them!" his voice growing angry once again.

Chris feared another attack, considering this guy certified nuts as he evaluated his stature, wondering if he could defend himself without the sneak attack from behind. His ego said yes, but his rational side warned him to be smarter.

"You said you should look familiar to me, but you don't, so who are you?"

"Approximately six feet, dark hair; medium build; 25 to 45 years of age," he glared at him, "does that ring a bell?"

Chris could have recited the arrest warrant from memory he knew it so well, hell he'd written it. His eyes narrowed again as he studied the aggressive stranger and then all at once it hit him. This guy was the other possible suspect in his theory.

In a flash everything began to fall into place. Why Amber was at the police station to begin with. Why this guy had told her to get in the car and drive home. His home perhaps, he thought angrily. And more importantly it explained why he had so viciously blind side attacked him, not taking into consideration for even a second that he had done the same thing to Amber only seconds before.

"I do know you," Chris replied bitterly. "Now I have a face and a name to go with my second sus…" he paused over that last word, not wanting another confrontation. "Don't think just because you're in law enforcement that you are above the law, Officer," he used that last word as if it were tainted.

"And don't you think for a second that you can just get on a plane and fly over here and just assume that you're going to take her back. Amber's not going anywhere. The only thing you're going home with is your dick in your hand."

"I have an eyewitness that puts her at the dock and on the boat the morning of the murders."

"You have a thieving junkie with a record a mile long that would probably say he saw his dear ole' grandma there to get a free pass with the law!" Steve bellowed. "Or whatever you were offering him!"

Chris wiped his hand across his mouth, "He was there and he saw it!"

"So was my mother and my uncle," Steve mocked him, "but I'll tell you who wasn't there, Amber Scott, and I'll prove it without a shadow of a doubt," he said confidently. "My only question to you is why? Why do you want to see her punished for something she didn't do, especially this?"

"She's guilty."

Steve heard the tone in his voice but not his eyes as he turned them away, a sign of guilt as far as he was concerned.

"Bullshit. You want to punish her out of some fucked up code or relationship or whatever it was you had with her ex. He killed himself, but before the coward ridded the world of his scum, he killed those kids too. It was nothing more than cold-blooded murder to make Amber suffer, and now you're here making sure the job is complete." He looked at him as if he were nothing more than a vile insect that had landed on his dinner. "I'm going to clear her name," he said, pointing at him, "and then I'm coming after you."

"For what?" he asked trying to imitate the same tone, but not getting the same intimidating result from Steve.

"Manufacturing evidence for one, and for fabricating that arrest warrant as well as assault. If you go near Amber again, I'll bury you under that asphalt."

"Are you threatening me?"

"You're damn right I am, and you better take it seriously."

Chris wanted to retaliate in the worst way but didn't, keeping his mouth shut as the pain in his head throbbed from the earlier take down. He backed away from him, avoiding going back into the police station, considering it a waste of time now. They would all be protecting her. Instead he turned once he felt he was far enough away to avoid another blind side and went to his car.

Steve watched him get in the rental, waiting until he backed up and then read the license plate, wanting to know his whereabouts at all times.

He pulled out his cell phone and texted Amber, wanting a reply once she arrived home to make sure she was ok.

'_Kevin deserved more,_' Chris thought viciously. She had ruined his life, both of their lives. They had something good together as partners and even more so as friends. He thought of that word 'friends', using it as a cover up to describe what they had actually become to one another, but it was even more than that.

He exited the police station and pulled into an empty parking lot and gripped the steering wheel tightly with both hands, laying his head down on it.

"Why?! Why?!" he growled and then his voice choked, "Why?"

He sat back in the seat as his whole body felt the impact of the loss once again. He only allowed himself to feel it once or twice and never in public. The funeral had been torture. He wanted to sit by Kevin's casket the rest of the day and into the night, but knew it was impossible. Instead he had to put on a strong face and an even stronger front, unable to speak how he really felt about his 'friend', how they felt about each other. It was a dark secret between them that had been buried with Kevin and would eventually die with him, because he would never feel it again with anyone else, not his wife and never, ever with his new partner, John. He was heartbroken and would have to live with it for the rest of his life in silence.

It had been their secret, but somehow Kevin had been convinced that Amber had found out.

Chris let out a deep bedded sigh, recalling how terrified Kevin was of anyone ever finding out, but most of all Amber or his children.

"She drove him to the edge of despair," he mumbled feeling that anger rise in him again. Her threat of divorce was his cause to react the way he had. It was temporary insanity; not believing that Kevin, the man he knew and loved was capable of doing what he had unless it was under extreme duress. His family meant everything to him, but even thinking those words now forced him to admit part of the truth. His family was his cover, without them he might be exposed. The shame he would bring his children and worse yet, how they would see him after she told him who their father really was became too much for him and he snapped.

It was a heavy burden that Chris himself was willing to carry, but not Kevin. He never could.

He sat back in his seat with tears in his eyes, feeling Kevin's pain that day that he ended it all, knowing that whatever happened at the house the night before, it was Amber who had pushed him over into the abyss, there was no other explanation.

He would get his retribution for his friend, and for himself for the loss of the only man he would ever love.

….

Amber came out of the station parking lot and headed down the street toward the freeway on ramp. Her heart was beating like a drum. She reached over flipping the air conditioner on full blast to cool herself off, feeling her adrenaline out of control from what had just taken place.

Her thoughts went to Steve and the look on his face as he approached her, his eyes dark and full of rage. They weren't focused on her but on Chris. He had sacked her assailant within seconds and with little effort, it was shocking yet she also couldn't help but think how impressive it was. A small smile crossed her lips and her heart began beating to a different, more pleasing rhythm.

Her mind drifted back to the words from Chris.

"Why?" she asked herself again, "why does he hate me so much?"

The air on her face felt good as her body calmed from the earlier chaos.

She sped up to sixty as she got on the freeway.

She looked over her shoulder at the oncoming traffic when a sudden pain in her abdomen caused her to gasp and fall forward, bracing her hand on the dashboard while still trying to steer the car as the pain increased.

"Ahhh," she moaned sitting back and putting her palm over the painful area trying to ward off the discomfort as it intensified. Her head began to feel light and she blinked several times trying to clear her vision that was becoming blurred.

"Oh god," she moaned, navigating the car to the side of the road when everything went black. She fell forward onto the steering wheel, unconscious.

The car swerved across the center lane as cars slammed on their brakes and honked, unaware of the driver's dilemma. She fell to the side causing the steering wheel to turn sharply as an oncoming mini van struck her rear passenger side door, spinning the CRV around sending it into the path of another car that swerved to avoid the mini van, striking her on the opposite side front end.

All three vehicles finally came to rest as traffic on the busy freeway came to a halt. Amber lay slumped over with her seat belt still in place, her head bleeding from being thrown about and hitting the driver's side window causing it to crack. Steam from the broken radiator poured out from under the damaged hood as good Samaritans from other vehicles rushed to the accident victims.

…..

Danny brought the Camaro to a screeching halt just down the walkway from the ER entrance.

Steve was out of the car before it had entirely stopped, running to the entrance, impatiently using his hands to pry open the sliding doors that were not working quickly enough for him.

His mind was cluttered with pictures of her in the morgue, lying on that same steel table that Catherine had been on. He did everything he could to push the gruesome images away but the fear of the past reliving itself was torturing him beyond belief.

He came up to the counter but was looking in the direction of the ER doors where she would have been taken.

"Amb…" he stammered, his voice shaky with panic, taking a breath and trying again. "Amber Scott? She was…she was in a car accident. They brought her here." He looked in the direction of the closed doors again.

The receptionist behind the partition typed in the name, clearly seeing fear that she had witnessed so many times from loved ones of ER patients.

"Yes, she's here." She rose from behind the desk and came around out the door that separated her from the lobby. "You can follow me."

"Is she ok?!" Steve asked as he walked a step behind her. "She's pregnant," he blurted out, feeling faint as a wave of deja' vu practically brought him to his knees.

"The doctor will be able to answer your questions," she replied with a sympathetic look over her shoulder, hoping everything was ok with whom she assumed was his wife. "Wait here Mr. Scott," she ordered as she approached a closed glass door with the curtain closed. She opened it just enough to be heard, alerting them of his presence. She didn't wait for a reply and closed the door again, walking back to him, "Someone will be out shortly to speak with you." She didn't wait for a reply from him either as she kept walking; going out through the doors she had led him through.

He stared at the glass doors and curtain that was concealing the activity inside. Every second that ticked by with no answers only heightened his fear as it began to consume him.

Tears formed as he bent his head, his fingers clasped tightly together and pressed against his lips as he whispered her name over and over, praying for her to be unharmed, for their baby to be safe and sound. He couldn't go through it again, he just couldn't. If anything happened to Amber it would be the death of him as well.

He heard the curtain being whooshed to the side as the door opened and a man dressed in green scrubs came out. He held the door as two others dressed in the same attire wheeled the bed out with Amber in it. All he could see was her head that had a bandage on it and some sort of medical device that was tucked in next to her sitting on the cream colored blanket that was over her body.

He took a step toward her, saying her name as the doctor turned and saw him.

"Steve?" Amber replied in a weak voice, hearing his voice, desperate to see him, but not for herself, for him, knowing he must be going mad from fear.

He felt a jolt of joy that could be seen on his face amongst the tears over the sound of her voice as he quickly followed it, drawn to her as if it were his last breath of life. The people pushing the bed didn't stop as they continued down the hall to their known destination. The doctor came towards him, removing his mask from his face, but the eyes of the man he was approaching were not on him but the bed that was being carted away.

"We're taking her up to surgery," he said, knowing that would get his attention and it did, stopping Steve in his tracks.

"She's pregnant," he blurted out again, wanting everyone important to know.

"I know," he replied calmly. "We did an ultrasound and the babies fine. It has a good heartbeat and in no distress."

He ran his hands over his hair, the relief from that was overwhelming. "Amber?" he questioned next, looking past him again and seeing them stopped at the service elevator used to transport patients from the ER.

"She's stable right now but has a concussion and a hairline laceration on her liver that is causing some internal bleeding. We're taking her up to surgery and Doctor Kahale will be performing the operation. She's an amazing surgeon, your wife is in good hands."

"I want to see her," Steve pleaded, looking past him again to the gurney that was being wheeled into the elevator.

The doctor turned toward the elevators and called out for them to hold it.

He turned to Steve as they both jogged down in that direction. "Five seconds," he said firmly, "that's all you got."

Steve didn't care all he needed was one second. He just needed to see her face.

He came to the elevator and she was already inside headfirst. One of the nurses held her arm over the door, preventing it from closing. There was no room for him to go inside as he stood at the foot of the bed, putting a hand on her shin as she looked down at him from the slightly raised headrest.

"Steve," she whispered with desperation in her weak voice, tears welling up in her eyes over the worry in his. "It's ok," she tried to assure him, "I won't leave you. I promise."

"I love you," he said without hesitation because he did, and the fear of losing her and never getting a chance to say it overshadowed any doubts he might have had left.

She mouthed the words back to him, unable to speak them, too overwhelmed by the honesty of his voice.

The nurse pushed him back as the doors closed, both holding each other's line of sight until the last possible second.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

Steve stood at the window in a Queen's Hospital waiting room, staring out as the sun slowly disappeared into the ocean.

He'd been standing there for close to an hour, but his mind was not on the water or the sun, but on the Pacific Crest Trail, reliving memories of his time there.

Some were frightening which caused him to shiver, while others were sad which caused him to wipe away the moisture in his eyes, but most were good which caused him to break out into a smile. Amongst the variety of events they all had one common denominator, Amber.

It made him mindful of his life with Catherine. It had taken him years to say the words 'I love you' to her, yet he felt it so strongly now for Amber after only a few months. Was it because the two women were so different or was it because he was different now?

Her death had awakened emotions in him that he never knew existed, even after all the death he had witnessed in his life, hers was crippling. He felt lost, numb, detached from life. All of his happiness was dead and buried so deep that he had to run away to find something, not even knowing what that was. He pretended that it was a change to get his life back but that wasn't entirely true, he was looking for something to live for.

He found it on the day Caleb Daily stole his backpack.

He smiled at the memory of standing stark naked in front of Amber. He always felt it was a chance meeting, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe they were meant to cross paths. Maybe the universe had put them in that exact spot because they belonged together? He spent hours fighting it, but he knew better than anyone on earth that you couldn't argue with Mother Nature. She always won.

He didn't want to fight it anymore. He didn't want to question it either. He just wanted to live it.

He wanted to live with Amber in a life that celebrated what they had together. He deserved it and gods know she did too.

A smile emerged on his lips as he made the decision right then there that he was going to marry her as soon as possible.

The euphoric rush over his spontaneous decision didn't last for long and slowly faded as well as the smile on his face as he was brutally reminded where he was standing at the moment.

"She's going to be fine," he said out loud, thinking that Mother Nature wasn't that much of a bitch.

"She's ok?"

He heard Danny's voice and turned around seeing him standing a couple of steps behind him.

"Did you talk to the doctor? Is she out of surgery?"

"No," Steve replied, "I haven't heard anything yet, but she's going to be fine and so is the baby. I just know it."

Danny nodded; glad to hear the positive coming out of him. "Yea she is," he reaffirmed, patting him on the arm. "I've got the cherry to top off your ice cream too," he smiled.

Steve's expression turned perplexed over that odd statement. "What do you mean?"

"Amber's in the clear as far as her bogus arrest warrant too," he clarified.

Steve stared at him in awe, "Are you serious, Danny?"

"Of course I'm serious."

"How? That was so quick, and is it full-proof?"

"Is it full-proof?" he mocked him, using a Jersey accent, "Who do you think you're talking too?"

"Again," Steve said with a cocky grin, believing him wholeheartedly but couldn't help but to purposely annoy him, "is it full-proof?"

"You always think you're so funny," Danny replied irritably, "but you're really not."

"I have my good days," Steve replied. "So tell me then, was it the webcams?"

"Yes, we have clear shot at a stop light of him and the kids in the car, no one else, Amber never left the house, but they also had a security system. It was disengaged at 5:06 am that morning, around the same time that Amber had said in the report and then automatically reset fifteen minutes later, there was no more activity leaving the house until 7:15am when the police arrived. You were also right about Hairfield's partner back in Indiana. I had a talk with John about an hour ago. He did a little investigating on his own after you guys talked this morning. Turns out that the Junkie witness that Hairfield claims saw Amber on the morning of the murders, John interrogated him and got him to confess that Hairfield offered him immunity on a drug charge that was his third strike. He was looking at ten years minimum."

"Really?" Steve smiled, "I take it John decided to read both reports then."

"I like him," Danny grinned, "I tried to talk him into moving to the islands, promising him a job."

"I'd hire him," Steve agreed. "We think a lot alike."

"Never mind then," Danny blurted out. "I can't take more of you."

Steve smiled at the joke as Danny took a seat in one the many cushioned, wooden armchairs lined up against the wall. Above his head were displayed two paintings of Diamond Head from different angels but from the same artist. The TV hanging in the corner of the room played a Sponge Bob cartoon but was on mute.

"So," Danny said, "our next line of bushiness is Hairfield." He watched Steve's relaxed expression turn sour as that name entered the conversation.

"We're going to arrest him for manufacturing evidence, falsifying a police report and assault on Amber," Steve replied. "And he better pray that HPD gets to him before I do."

Danny smiled, "Already on it. Kono's putting together an arrest warrant and Chin's checking out that rental car info you gave us, as soon as we get a location we'll pick him up."

"Good," Steve replied. "I don't like that he's out there running around our island."

"You don't think he had anything to do with Amber's accident do you?"

"Not directly, but my actions weren't the smartest. She was pretty shaken up when she left. I shouldn't have let her leave in that condition."

Danny stood up, hearing that familiar blame in his voice that he recognized from a year earlier. "Hey, take a step back a minute. First off, you did not put her in any danger you avoided it by getting her in the car and to a safe place. You didn't know this guy or what he was capable of. You did the right thing by getting her out of harms way. That accident was not your fault, Steve, by any means."

"She had a lacerated liver and a bad bruise below her ribcage. They said she lost control of the car. She more than likely had passed out, so the injury was what caused the crash. Which means that Hairfield did it to her. I put her in that car and sent her home with a lacerated liver, Danny. What if she would have made it home and passed out there all alone?" he questioned frantically. "Or what if the crash would have been worse and…?" he looked at him with frightened eyes.

"But it wasn't," Danny argued.

"But it could have been."

"But it wasn't!" he yelled. "She didn't even know she was injured, how the hell were you supposed to know?! You couldn't have seen it coming, the same way you couldn't have seen the car coming that hit Catherine. You didn't put either one of them in danger, Steve. You would lay down in traffic for either one of them so how can you believe the other?"

He bent his head, hearing his words and trying to make sense of everything. "Why is this happening to me again?" he whispered.

Danny grabbed him by the arm, "It's not! The baby is ok, and she'll be ok. You said it yourself. Don't let yourself slip. She needs you now more than ever. She loves you man, I see it, and you love her too. I see that even more. Take this for what it is, Steve. This is exactly what you went looking for when you went on that crazy hike, and now here it is right in front of your face. Don't fuck it up and let your guilt from Catherine take away from this happiness."

He nodded, knowing he was right but the fear of history repeating itself was tapping on his shoulder, taunting him. It had been hours since he'd seen her or heard anything about her condition. The waiting game was paying havoc with his mind. He needed answers to ease him down.

And just then his pleas were answered.

"Amber Scott?" Dr. Kahale asked as she stood at the door to the waiting room with a broad smile, assuming one of the two men were her husband since they were the only ones there.

Steve turned and slowly returned the smile, relieved that it had to be good news about Amber. "Yes. Is she all right?"

"Amber's going to be fine," she announced as she entered the room, talking to he and Danny respectively. "The baby is also doing very well under the circumstances. I repaired the damage to the liver and the bleeding has stopped. The Plastic Surgeon on duty stitched up the gash in her forehead and he said there should be minimal scaring. She's awake and in recovery but is still very groggy and running a low fever so we're going to keep her in ICU for a just a little longer. If you would like to see her I can arrange that."

"Yes, please," he replied eagerly.

She looked over at Danny, "Only one visitor for the time being," she said to him.

Danny held his hands out, "Well then of course it should be me," he joked taking a step toward the door.

Steve put his arm up, blocking his path, "Very funny, stay boy."

Danny let out a low growl and then smiled. "Story of my life, you get the girl and I get to chase the bad guy."

Steve turned, slowly walking backward toward the door, following the doctor. "Thanks, Danny for clearing her name, and thanks for putting my head straight," he said sincerely.

"If you would just listen to me more often, "he joked, "our lives would be so much easier."

"Don't push it," Steve grinned, turning and eagerly following the doctor down the hall.

He was very anxious to see her, awake or asleep, he didn't care. He just wanted to be in the same room with her, hating that Hairfield was still out there and a threat to her, knowing his presence at her side was the best place for him and the safest for her. Danny was right, he would lay down in traffic for her, perhaps even kill if he had to.

He felt his temper begin to swell as he followed Dr. Kahale past the secured doors that led to the recovery rooms. He was glad for them; it was just an extra precaution. His mind was on Hairfield and the many ways he was going to punish him for what he'd done, hoping Danny found him quickly.

He was prepared to go to battle for her, prepared to protect her and stand guard over her, but what he wasn't prepared for was the wave of emotions that suddenly saturated him, stopping him in his tracks, forgetting all about Hairfield and threats and revenge.

Amber and only Amber filled his mind and his heart as he saw her lying in the bed.

Her eyes were closed and her face was pale, but she looked beautiful. He never really took into account how beautiful she really was until that second when he had finally set aside that past and allowed himself to breathe in his future that was right before his eyes. He could see it, he could feel it, but more than anything else he could trust it.

He began to walk toward the bed in the small room that was being monitored from the desk just outside the door. Amber's was only one of fifteen that encircled the nurse's station.

As he drew closer he could see more clearly the devastation that had been afflicted upon her. Her left eye was swollen and the white gauze on her forehead hid the stitches from the injury that she had sustained from the passenger door window. The back of her hand was bruised as well, where the IV that fed her medication and nutrients was inserted.

His eyes moved down her body and over her stomach as he laid a hand there, thanking the Akua's for protecting her and the baby, knowing how close he came to losing them both.

He closed his eyes and caressed her stomach, quietly reciting a Hawaiian prayer of thanks.

When he opened them he saw Amber looking up at him with a gentle smile.

It was all he needed to ease him down from the fear but it was more emotional than he had anticipated as the mental fatigue gave way to tears of joy. He was beyond thankful and felt truly blessed for this moment, knowing more than anyone how easily it could have gone the other way.

He leaned over the bed and kissed her lips, remaining close to her as they looked at each other fondly.

"Everything's ok," he said to her. "You and the baby are going to be fine."

"I know," she whispered. "I told you, I won't leave you, ever."

Her heart felt confession cut the last thread that had been holding him together. He rested his forehead on her shoulder and for a brief moment he allowed himself to be vulnerable to her, letting her comfort him, which was more of a benefit than he had anticipated needing.

"You worry too much," she said to him, her voice weak and scratchy.

He chuckled over that, wiping his eyes as he looked at her again. "Then stay out of trouble."

She smiled over that. "Now I know how to get your attention."

"You always have my attention."

"I love you," she said drowsily

Steve smiled as her eyes bobbed open and close from the pain medication and the after effects of the anesthesia. "Sleep well, Amber," he whispered, kissing her on the forehead next to the white bandage. "I love you too."

"Hmm," she hummed quietly hearing the sweet words just before she drifted off.

He pulled the chair that was by the wall close to the bed and sat down. He didn't take her hand that was lying next to him, but instead he rested the palm of his on her lower belly as he pulled out his phone and checked his messages, settling in for the night. The most important job he ever had was just beginning.

…..

Chris hung up his cell phone still hearing John's voice as he criticized him over the foolish attempt to falsely arrest Amber Scott and the serious trouble he was now in. He also informed him of the car accident she was in and the charges that would be brought against him by the state of Hawaii and most likely be enforced, regardless of him being a police officer himself, not to mention the same offence that would come from his home precinct. He'd broken the law and no one was above the law. Worse yet, he'd threatened and physically assaulted a fellow cops pregnant girlfriend, also informing him that McGarrett and his team were not going to ideally sit back and let it go by. He was in serious trouble, he said again.

"Fuck off!" Chris said as he tossed the phone on the bed, hating John even more for going behind his back and siding with McGarrett, a potential suspect himself he thought angrily.

He went to the hotel room closet and grabbed his suitcase, setting it on the bed as he began to quickly pack.

"Shit!" he growled, holding a wad of his shirts in his arms, angrily throwing them in the open suitcase. The impact of his dilemma was beginning to set in. He was packing, but to go where?

"Son of a bitch," he grumbled as he sat down on the edge of the mattress and dropped his head in his hands.

John's words hung around him like the great threat that they were. Not being his partner anymore was one thing he'd said, but that didn't bother him as much as the threat of HPD and even more so this McGarrett guy who obviously had something serious going on with Amber, just finding out that she was pregnant with his child, which aroused his suspicion of them even more. This McGarrett guy was sneaky and had even somehow turned his own partner against him. He and Amber were a perfect match, they were both master manipulators.

He went and stood at the sliding glass door to the lanai, looking out at the top of the infamous Diamond Head volcano that peaked just above the apartment complex that was next door to his less that dazzling hotel. He got the cheapest one he could find on such short notice and was still appalled at the price per night.

"What would Kevin do?" he whispered, letting his head hang, missing his friend and companion.

Kevin would have known what to do next, he thought. He was always the one that had a plan and then a backup plan as well. He himself had come to Hawaii with a plan but not a backup, never assuming it would go as sour as it had.

"What do I do Kevin?" he whispered nervously. The thought of losing his job frightened him, not knowing who he was if he wasn't a Police Officer, but the idea of going to jail frightened him even more, especially since he was in fact a Police Officer. He heard horror stories of cops being sent to prison and the horrible things they endured.

He felt his heart begin to race and panic set in over that assumption that was becoming a reality as he heard John's voice again telling him he was in serious trouble.

"She's guilty," he growled. "She's hiding behind that asshole and he's protecting a murderer. He's the one that should be in serious trouble, not me!"

He slammed his fist into the palm of his hand over and over as his temper flared. "I did nothing wrong! She's to blame for all of it! I'll get justice for you one way or another, Kevin," he said bitterly. "I promise to avenge you and your children. I promise."

He was no fool and knew that if the police were looking for him then they would find him quickly by simply tracing his credit card, which would lead them to his rental car and his hotel room.

He needed cash to end the trail, and to buy the necessary ingredients that would allow him to get close to Amber without having to be in the same room with her.

He smiled as his plan unfolded.

He and Kevin had met in the service, both ex Marines who served in Iraq and worked the same job while they were there, Explosive Ordnance Disposal unit.

They only served as backup to the diffuser, but he learned a lot about homemade bombs from the simplest materials and how to hide them.

…

"Are you sure?" Steve asked the nurse as Amber sat on the edge of the bed. "It seems kinda soon to have her up and walking around already."

The nurse lowered Amber's bed so her feet touched the ground, "I can assure you that it is perfectly normal and recommended for patients to be up and walking around shortly after this type of surgery."

"They know what their doing, Steve," Amber replied, putting her hand on his bicep, "but thank you," she smiled up at him.

"He's just worried about you," the nurse added. "That's very sweet. Most husbands sit in the chair glued to their phones or watching TV. Consider yourself lucky."

"Oh I do, believe me," Amber responded, smiling shyly over his mistaken identity as her husband. "I'm very lucky."

He didn't reply but she could see the appreciation on his face over that.

The nurse stood on one side of her while Steve was on the other as they helped her stand up.

It was slow moving but they made it around the room twice and ended up at the window as Amber looked out on the Ko'olau Mountain range. The highest peaks had clouds formed around them like a blanket while the lower half glistened in the sun from an afternoon shower.

"Isn't that pretty?" she commented, looking out on what the nurse and Steve took for granted, seeing it almost everyday of their lives.

They all three admired it.

"I can get you a wheelchair," the nurse suggested, "and you can go up on the roof deck and sit for a while if you'd like?"

Amber looked at Steve hopeful.

"Let's go," he smiled.

A few minutes later she was sitting in the chair with Steve's hands on the handles behind her, getting last minute instructions.

"Don't stay for too long," the nurse ordered. "And if you start to feel any kind of discomfort, then come back. That's just your body telling you it's had enough of this and wants to lay down, understood?"

"I promise I'll come back if I start to feel any of that. I would just love some fresh air."

"I have every confidence that your husband will keep a close eye on you."

Steve put a hand on her shoulder, "I will."

"Ok," the nurse shooed them away, "take the elevator up to the ninth floor and go right as you come out. Have fun."

The outdoor courtyard was like walking into a Zen experience complete with two bubbling waterfalls and a paved pathway around a variety of small gardens with signs dedicated to the volunteers who maintained them.

Steve selected an area away from the other visitors that had a small bench. He positioned Amber's wheelchair so she could have a view of the mountains on one side and a slight peek at the ocean if she turned her head to the other side. He took a seat on the bench next to her chair.

She looked up at the afternoon sun, closing her eyes and smiling. "This feels good."

Seeing her so happy and relaxed jumped across at him, making him feel the same. "You look good," he said. "Your color is back."

Amber looked over at him, "Thank you for staying with me."

"Its where I want to be. When Piglets in trouble, Pigpen jumps in."

Amber laughed over that. "You are far from Pigpen anymore, Sir."

"I know, they keep referring to me as your husband now," Steve replied with a sexy grin.

Amber rolled her eyes bashfully, "I know, I'm sorry about that. I should have corrected them."

"Why?" he blurted out. "I don't mind it. I like it. Do you mind it?"

Amber looked at him shyly and then shook her head, "No, I don't mind it. To be honest, it makes me feel proud when people say it, or think it."

Her reply was just the response he was hoping for.

He reached over and took her hand that was sitting on the arm of the chair. "Why don't we make it official then?" he suggested.

Her mouth came open as she stared at him in awe. "What?"

"Why don't we get married? I love you. You love me. We have a baby on the way. We get along great. Why not?"

She heard his explanation but it sounded more like a stopping off place in life that people did on their way to the next chapter, rather than a heartfelt question.

"Are you asking," Amber said quietly, "because of the baby and it would just make sense, or are you…"

"I'm asking," Steve interrupted, knowing exactly what she was thinking, "because I fell in love with you. I'm asking because I feel something with you that makes me feel…" he paused looking for the right word to describe what he felt with her.

"What?" she asked, fully engaged now in his request but wanting to know what it was that kept him close. "Makes you feel what?"

He looked up from her held hand to her eyes.

"Alive."

It was a powerful word to use considering both of their lives in the past year, but one that was fully comprehendible to her as well.

She nodded as tears filled her eyes. "Yes."

He saw the happiness spread across her face amongst the tears. "Is that a 'yes' that you agree to my reply, or is that a 'yes' that you agree to my proposal?" he asked with a teasing grin.

Amber let out a sweet laugh, squeezing his hand that held hers. "Both," she smiled brightly. "Yes to both."

He leaned over and kissed her, remaining close to her as she put a hand on his face while she spoke.

"I love you too, and I know I'm not the first, Steve."

She saw his expression soften over her meaning.

"I don't want to take Catherine's place. I think there's room in your heart for both of us and I won't feel crowded or jealous, I just feel thankful that you chose me too."

He leaned his forehead down on hers; mentally thanking whatever God had brought her to him, because he was thankful, beyond words.

"Thank you," he said sincerely and then kissed her cheek, whispering in her ear, "And that's why I chose you."

…..

Chris came through the doors of Queen's Hospital carrying a large bouquet of flowers, his face hidden behind them and under a black baseball cap with the letter 'H' on it.

He approached the Information counter that had the word displayed above it in bright blue colors with Hawaiian flowers along the edges.

"How can I help you?" the young Hawaiian girl asked.

"I have a delivery for Amber Scott," he said, keeping his face hidden.

"Ok, one sec," she said, typing in the name, knowing the routine of flower delivery which was a common event, but this name that came up was not. "Oh um," she said, looking across her computer at him. "You can't take those up. You have to leave them here and we'll take them. She's not allowed visitors."

He nodded, anticipating that. "Ok, that's cool. Can you do it quickly though?" he asked. "I guess this order is late and my boss will blame me even though it's not my fault. I need this job really bad and I don't want to get fired."

She looked at him sympathetically. "Oh sure, no problem. I'll take them up myself right now."

He smiled and as he backed away, keeping the brim of the hat low, "Thanks I appreciate it. You have a good day." He turned and walked briskly out the door, pulling the plastic gloves off his hands and tossing them in the garbage can by the exit.


	25. Chapter 25

_**I'm so sorry for the long delay in posting. Thanks for hanging in there to the end! Aloha!**_

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

"What do think," Steve joked as he wheeled Amber back to her room, "for our honeymoon we hike the last part of the PCT?"

She laughed. "You are adventurous, aren't you? I would love to finish it someday but not pregnant or with a newborn."

"Or maybe a nice hotel in Canada at the end of the PCT," he suggested instead.

Amber laughed again, "Now you're talking." She looked across the room at the large bouquet of flowers as they came inside. "Oh, aren't those beautiful."

Steve stopped, looking at them quizzically, wondering who would send those to Amber. She had no friends on the island yet and certainly no family besides him.

Amber turned just slightly looking up at him. "Are those from you?"

He shook his head, "No."

"Maybe Danny then," she said, assuming so since there was really no other explanation.

"Maybe," he replied, but found that very unlikely. Not that he didn't consider Danny a generous person, but the timing with everything going on just seemed odd to him.

He left Amber sitting in her chair at the door and went around her bed to see if there was a note attached to them, pulling out his cell phone as he walked toward the bouquet.

Danny saw Steve's face appear on his phone as he pulled it out of his pocket.

"Hey, what's up?" he asked. "Chin and I are in the parking lot of Hairfield's hotel that he's been staying at."

"Is he there?" Steve asked hopeful, his attention being drawn away from the flowers to that new piece of information.

"I don't know. I don't see the rental car anywhere."

"Does the rental place have a GPS on the car?"

"No, its some cheap ass place that I've never even heard of. But if he's not here, then we'll hold up and watch the place. How's Amber?"

He stood next to the bouquet now, moving around the flowers, trying to see if there was a note hidden, "She's fine, but let me ask you something. Did you send her flowers?"

Danny shook his head. "No. Why?"

"Someone sent her a huge bouquet with no note, but…" his voice went silent as he froze, smelling the fertilizer and diesel fuel just before he saw the mixture, staring down into the oversized vase below the flower stems that was packed with the two ingredients, seeing a small detonator glowing.

"But what?" Danny asked.

"Holly shit!" Steve whispered, backing away. "Danny!" he replied, his voice steady; yet deeply concerned. "Call the bomb squad and get them over here!" He let his phone drop to the floor in his rush to get to Amber.

"What is it?" she asked as he leaned over her with his hands on the arms of her wheelchair, pushing her back out to the hall as he closed the door. "What's happening?" her voice stressing her concern over his behavior that went from calm and playful to tense and serious, seeing a hint of that same look that he had when Chris had her pinned against the car.

"Hey!" he shouted to the nurses across the way, pulling his badge off his belt and showing it. "I'm Commander McGarrett from Five 0, we need to evacuate this area immediately!"

"Steve!" Amber said becoming frantic. "What's happening?!"

He ignored her plea, giving the five nurses orders, all of which stared at him. It took about fifteen seconds to plead his case, but it was his presence of authority that convinced them that he was credible.

They barely had time to comprehend the situation when they heard the explosion inside her room.

Screams ricocheted around the area as the door to Amber's room rattled loudly. They could hear glass shatter as the windows exploded from the thin nails that had been mixed in with the lethal soil spewed out across the room.

It lasted only a few seconds and was thankfully contained to the room.

You ok?!" he asked Amber, seeing her terrified expression but was beyond relieved that she was not in the room when it happened.

"Yes," she replied, her voice shaky and weak from the frightening moment.

He stood up and turned to the rest of the scattered people about the room. "It's over. Everyone all right?"

He heard faint replies of 'yes' as people began to stand up after dropping to the floor.

He used his arm to get people moving, waving them toward the stairwell, "Everyone out!"

"No," one of the nurses replied. "We have patients that can't be moved this quickly. I'll stay with them." She turned to her crew of five other nurses. "Everyone else evacuate."

Three of them who were in training were ordered to leave while the other two stayed with the head nurse.

Steve evaded the argument of trying to get them all to leave. Mainly because none of them waited for his approval, they just spread out and went to work checking the other patients.

The leader going to Amber first, speaking to the nurse in training, "Take her down to the ER, explain what has happened and have them get her hooked back up to an IV. Her meds are going to wear off soon."

Steve put a hand on Amber's chair. She's staying here until I can get someone from HPD to guard her. His first thought was Kono.

"Steve," Amber said, reaching her hand out to him, her voice still shaky, "was it the flowers?"

He nodded, taking her hand.

"Chris?" she asked but didn't need an answer from him to tell her who had planted them there.

"Yes."

"He's never going to leave me alone," she whispered, her voice full of fear.

Steve squatted down next to her. "I'll catch him for you, Amber. He'll never get close to you again. I promise you that."

…..

Steve stood in the condemned hospital room with Danny and the HPD Bomb Squad as they surveyed the fragments from the bomb.

The area around the initial blast where the flowers had been sitting was torn up. The wall and ceiling had bits and pieces of glass and nails stuck in them. The hospital equipment that had been attached to the bed and wall were also destroyed. But it was the bed that had Steve's attention. The pillow where Amber had laid her head was black and torn, covered with debris from the vase.

"Definitely an amateur," Pele the man in charge said, holding a small piece of the detonator. "This here, they could have picked it up at any electronic store and by the way it was put together I can't believe they didn't blow themselves up. This was definitely a home job thrown together."

"But enough know how to cause some serious harm," Danny commented, glancing over at Steve as he stood like a stone statue with his arms crossed, the expression on his face just as hardened.

"Any bomb can cause serious harm, "Pele explained, "but when they added the nails and glass to the mix, it was obvious they wanted to do some serious damage."

"Enough to kill someone," Steve finally spoke, his voice low but the anger in it undeniable.

Pele looked up at him nodded knowingly, "Most definitely. If you were standing next to this when it went off, yes, it could be fatal."

"Or lying next to it," Steve added. He turned and walked toward the door.

"Thanks Pele," Danny said, following behind his partner.

They came out the hall that was barren of any nurses or patients, all of them evacuated to a different floor, including Amber who was now in a new room and under guard by Kono.

Steve turned around and faced him. "He's a dead man walking, Danny."

"I know," he agreed, as he reached in his pocket and pulled out his ringing cell phone. "Chin," he answered, putting it on speaker, "what do you got?"

"We finally got a hit on his rental car, HPD chased him up to the Pali lookout pass but lost him when he veered off the trail. I know that area up there. There's a lot of over growth and about a million places to hide."

"He can't hide forever," Steve replied, "and smoking out snakes that tried to hide is what I did best in the Navy."

"Well then this is going to be a showdown, because I did a background check on him and he's ex-military. He was a Marine. He worked as backup for the bomb squad."

"Well that answers a few questions," Danny added as he and Steve walked toward the elevator.

"Send me the GPS coordinates of the last place they saw him," Steve said. "Danny and I are on our way."

….

Steve pulled his vest out of the back of the Camaro and slipped it on as Danny did the same.

They both had their eyes focused on the beginning of the trail across the parking lot that was closed off to the public by the HPD, but their attention was on the officer who was giving them an update of where they had chased Hairfield and the precise spot where he had veered off the trail and they had lost track of him."

"My apologies, Commander," he said with a heavy sigh. "We should have had him in custody by now."

Steve patted his arm, "Don't worry about it, Rod, we'll sniff him out."

"We'll be right behind you, Commander."

"No you won't," Steve replied. "I want you and your men to pull out and place surveillance around the perimeter."

"What are you talking about?" Danny jumped in. "The more men we have the better chance we have of finding him."

"He's up in there hiding and obviously found himself a nice safe spot or they would have already found him. He's an ex-marine, they have patience," he explained. "I want him to feel safe. The quieter it gets up there, the safer he's going to feel, and that's when we'll grab him."

"It's going to be dark in less than two hours," Danny said.

"Yep, and Chin's on his way with that new night-eye drone. We'll see him the second he starts to make a move."

Danny smiled, "I bet you're just as excited to break out that new drone you purchased with last years budget as you are of catching him."

"Almost," Steve grinned, "but not entirely. My goal is to put Amber at ease, and she won't ever be until this guy is either in jail," he slipped his gun in holster, "or six feet under." He looked over at Danny, "And I'm fine with either one."

…

Danny pulled down on the front of his Kevlar vest just below his neck and twisted his head as if he were cracking his neck. "This thing was not made to be worn in the jungle," he whispered.

Steve looked over at him as they hid amongst a group of overgrown ferns and brush a couple hundred yards from where Chris had veered off the trail.

"They were made exactly for that, Danny," he countered. "Military has been wearing them for years in the jungle, in the desert and in the cold. You won't bitch too much when the bullet hits you in the vest and not the heart."

"Whatever," he groaned, "I'm just saying, it's hot out here and how do you even know he's still around? He could be back at his hotel by now."

Steve rolled his eyes, "What do you always tell me? Patience. Well patience, Daniel. Trust me, he'll surface."

"I hope so because my legs are starting to cramp up."

"Hydrate."

"You got an answer for everything, don't you?" he said annoyingly, pulling out the water bottle from the side pocket of his vest.

"Yes, except for why you have to act like a little girl."

"I'm uncomfortable. We've been sitting here for like twelve hours."

"So am I and it hasn't been twelve hours, its been four. Man up."

Danny huffed, "Me man up. What about you? When are you going to man up?"

"What does that even mean? I'm not complaining."

"I mean about Amber," Danny grinned, knowing that would shut him up.

Steve knew exactly where that line was going, countering it with a smug grin of his own. "I asked her to marry me. What do you think of that smart ass?"

Danny leaned back a couple of inches in shock over that. "Really? Wow!"

"Didn't see that coming did ya," Steve replied proudly.

"No, actually I didn't. So… what did she say? No, or I'll think about it?" he turned his head and smiled with a quiet laugh.

"Good one," Steve chuckled. "But sorry to disappoint you. She said yes."

"Well congratulations then."

"Thank you. We talked about the honeymoon and…" he stopped suddenly hearing Chin's voice in his ear.

"I hate to break up such a sweet conversation between you two ladies," Chin said as his voice came through their earpieces, "but we have movement. I'm sending the coordinates right now. It's definitely human, about six hundred yards east of you, moving northwest. It looks like he's heading toward you. If you head up north a few hundred yards and he stays on course, you'll run right into each other."

Steve stood up, holding his hand down to Danny. "Let's go throw him a surprise party."

Danny grabbed his hand and groaned from his stiff muscles as he stood up. "You are just a little too excited about this."

"I just can't wait to get my hands on that little fucker." Truthfully he wanted him more dead than alive after he had tried to kill Amber. "Hey, maybe I should just go alone," he suggested. "You hang back here incase he gets by me."

Danny looked at him like he was nuts, "No way! For one I pretty much guarantee, he ain't get by you, and two, after that comment you just made, that's exactly why I'm hiking up there through this jungle in the middle of the night, because I'm a little too uncomfortable about sending you up there alone with him. Orange jumpsuit is not a good look on you and I'm pretty sure conjugal visits are a thing of the past. So just thank me later for coming." He didn't wait for an answer, taking the lead through the brush as he pulled down the night vision goggles they had purchased with the left over budget money after the drone,

Steve followed behind with a slightly disappointed expression.

They made it about a hundred yards when Steve tapped Danny's shoulder, getting his attention. He looked back and Steve signaled with his fingers to split up in a V formation. He motioned for Danny to go right and he'd go left, coming up on Chris' either side, setting up a mini ambush.

Danny nodded and crouched lower as he headed off. The night vision goggles were more of nuisance than a helper. It was a humid night and they began to slip from the perspiration on his forehead, not as familiar with wearing them as Steve was. The fit was clumsy and they felt heavy.

"I lost him," Chin said into their earpieces. "He must have gone under some heavy brush again."

"Copy that," Steve replied.

Danny lifted the goggles, resting them on his forehead. "Are we still on track from your last visual," he asked.

"Yes, about a fifty yards north of you Danny. Steve, he is directly east of you. You're both narrowing the gap."

"I'm cutting across, "Danny said, "incase he makes a break for it."

"I'm heading east," Steve announced.

Danny took about ten steps when he heard a snap and felt a terrible pain in his calf. He let out a muffled groan and reached back, feeling something through his pants leg, but it went unnoticed as he was now more concerned about the 9-mm Beretta gun pointed in his face.

"Get'em up," Chris said of his hands as he quickly scanned the area around him for others.

Danny slowly raised his hands, "You're making a huge mistake, Chris. I'm assuming you are Chris Hairfield," he said to him, watching his every move as he took out his gun from his holster and tucked it behind his back.

"I'm not going to prison," Chris said.

"Too late for that," Danny chuckled. "But the amount of time you spend in prison is greatly increasing every second that you have that gun pointed in my face."

"Shut up," Chris snarled. "Where's your partner? I know there are at least two of you. The uniforms gave up. Who are you supposed to be?" he chuckled; looking Danny over in his blue, long sleeve shirt that was rolled up to his elbow and khaki dress pants, "Hawaii's version of SWAT,"

"No," Danny said, "I'm just a plain clothed detective like you. Nothing special about me, but you seem to have some skills, catching me the way you did," he winced over the pain in his leg.

"Shut up," Chris whispered to him, moving him back against a tree with the gun still pointed at him.

"Marines huh," Danny said. "That's impressive. But if you're looking for my partner it might be a little harder to trap him."

"Oh yea?" Chris grinned. "Like you said, I've got skills."

Danny shrugged, "Well yea, you were a Marine and that's all good, but my partner Steve…"

"Steve?" Hairfield quickly replied, grabbing Danny by the collar of his shirt with the gun still pointed at his head. "Steve McGarrett is your partner?"

"Well yea, and I was saying, you were a Marine, but Steve, he's more like a Ninja. Just when you think you got him," he looked Chris in the eyes, "he's got you."

Chris felt the sharp blade of the knife up against his throat slightly cut into his skin as he gasped.

"Drop it," Steve said to him, "or I'll slice you open from ear to ear."

Chris lowered the gun as Steve grabbed it out of his hand. Danny took it from him as well as his own gun that was behind Chris' back.

"As I was saying," Danny continued, "you were a Marine, but my partner Steve here was a Navy SEAL and had an even more impressive career of sneaking up on the bad guy and not getting caught."

Steve turned Chris around and pushed him up against the tree that Danny had been on, keeping the knife at his throat as he quickly frisked him for any more reachable weapons. "So we meet again, Detective Hairfield." He pushed the knife harder against his throat, enjoying the fear that Chris was trying to hide. "Leave us alone for a few minutes," he said to Danny but kept his eyes glued on Hairfield.

Danny limped over to another tree and leaned up against it. "He set a trap and got me in my leg. I'm not sure I can hike out of here."

Steve looked over at him in shock, "What?! Are you ok, Danny?!"

"Yea," he moaned, trying to get a look at the piece of wood sticking out of his calf, "but it's starting to hurt like hell."

Steve tossed the knife over at Danny's feet and shoved Chris harder against the tree and then backed up, "C'mon, you and me, right here, right now. Show me how tough you are? Big bad marine," he tormented him, "you fight like a pussy. I bet when you got into combat you hid like a scared little girl."

"Screw you!" Chris fired back, his jaw taught as he became angrier.

"C'mon tough guy!" Steve nagged, "I know you want to a take shot at me. Or is it just women you beat on, like your piece of shit dead partner? He was a pussy too. He couldn't even die like a man anymore than he could live like one."

"Fuck you!" Chris shouted, taking a swing at Steve, connecting with his jaw.

His head jerked to the side at the same time he heard Danny shout out, 'Don't do it.'

It was exactly what he was hoping he would happen.

The connection to his jaw barely dazed him. He ducked back and away from the second punch like a trained boxer. The missed blow caused Chris to have his shield down for just a second, but it was all Steve needed and had planned for.

He put a hand on Chris' chest and shoved him hard back against the tree and then brought his fist up and hit him in the same place he had just been struck, yet his blow was far more damaging, coming from built up anger toward this man who had purposely harmed the people in his life that he most loved, Amber and now Danny.

Chris grunted as his head flew back and hit the tree. The next punch came from the other side and he felt his left cheekbone crack from the impact, yet he didn't fall.

"Tough marine huh," Steve growled, grabbing the back of neck and bringing his knee up as he pulled his face down.

The connection shattered Chris's nose.

Steve lifted him back up, putting his hand on his chest to prevent him from falling over. He hit him twice again across the jaw, whipping his head back and forth in both directions.

"Enough!" Danny shouted.

Steve looked over at him with his fist clenched and a look of sheer rage on his face. "He tried to kill her!"

"So you're going to kill him?!" Danny shouted back. "Where does that leave Amber and the baby, huh? Enough!"

He looked back at his victim whose head bobbed; the only thing holding him up was his hand on his chest, pressing him against the tree. He had no remorse for his victim and if it wasn't for Danny he might have actually killed him, but the stern words were a quick wake up call.

His clenched fist relaxed and he removed his other one from Chris' chest. The moment he did, he collapsed on the ground in a heap at Steve's feet.

He backed away looking at him as if he were nothing more than a piece of trash that was lying in the unspoiled Hawaiian jungle.

Danny turned his mic back on, turning it off as things had escalated, knowing Steve had too. They were on visual from the drone, but it would show that Hairfield struck first, yet the words of torment would not be known. It didn't matter to Danny, Steve deserved that moment and so did Hairfield.

"You ok?" Steve said to him, squatting down and flashing a light on Danny's injured leg, seeing a stick about three inches long in his leg. "It's not very deep, I'm going to pull it out on the count of three. Ready? One," but he didn't wait until three, yanking it out on one.

"OUCH!" Danny shouted. "What the hell happened to two and three?!"

"Why prolong the agony," Steve said, using a piece of gauze from a pouch on his Kevlar vest to cover the wound and then ripped open a larger band aid with his teeth, securing it to Danny's leg.

He looked up at him, "Can you make it out of here?"

"Yea, it's good."

Steve stood up and pulled out his water bottle, taking a drink and then squeezing the remains on Hairfield's face. "Wake up!"

Chris opened his eyes, feeling his body being jerked off the ground to a standing position and then his hands being pulled behind his back. Steve secured them with a zip tie and then faced him, gently slapping him on the cheek that was bloodied by the broken nose. "Wake up princess, I'm not carrying your sorry ass out of here."

He was still groggy and half unconscious as each man took an arm. They began to walk in the direction of the trail with guidance by Chin.

As they walked, Chris began to mumble incoherently, neither Steve nor Danny paying too much attention to him, but then he began to confess his soul to no one in particular but they were the ones that heard it all.

They stopped abruptly as Chris' head bobbed and he began to quietly weep.

Steve leaned forward and looked over at Danny whose stunned expression mirrored his own.

"Did I just hear him right?" Steve asked.

Danny's mouth hung open in shock, about to ask Steve the same question. "Judging by the look on your face, I think we heard the same thing."

"Holly shit," Steve said with an uncomfortable chuckle. "That's weird."

They both started walking again, "Yea, but don't get any ideas partner about me. I don't find you that attractive."

Steve grinned over that. "You'd be lucky to have me," he joked. "I've got Ninja skills, I heard you finally admit it."

"I had a gun pointed in my face," Danny countered. "I would have said you were a Bruce Lee clone if it would have got your ass over there any faster. And by the way, what took you so long? I was chatting it up like I belonged to an old lady sewing circle and you were nowhere to be found!"

"I couldn't just walk up and say 'Hey there bad guy, would you mind not pointing that gun in my partners face', seriously Danny I had to use my Ninja skills to get in close so I could unarm him, which I did," he said with a smug grin.

"Oh my god, you are never going to let that Ninja thing go are you?"

"You said it," Steve replied.

"Ladies please," Chin butted in, "my ears are hurting over your bickering. Head south about fifty feet and you'll hit the trail."

"I said it out of duress," Danny defended himself.

"But you did say it," Steve replied needing the last word.

Chris raised his head and mumbled something using Kevin's name and then it fell forward again and his feet dragged even more.

"Damn this guy," Danny groaned and limped, feeling the wound on his leg begin to throb.

"Hold on," Steve said, stopping and leaning over, allowing Hairfield to slump over his shoulder. He stood up and began walking again, carrying him.

"Thanks," Danny said, following behind them. "I know you'd rather drag him back than carry him."

"That's true," Steve replied, "but my Ninja strength allows me the extra burden."

"Oh god," Danny moaned.

…

Amber opened her eyes and smiled at the one being given back to her.

"Hi," she said to Steve as he leaned over and kissed her forehead next to the bandage.

"Good morning. How do you feel?"

"Tired, but better. It's nice waking up to a gorgeous man smiling at me."

He blushed slightly over the compliment, never being very comfortable getting them about his looks. "You make me smile."

Coming from him and knowing what his life had been like over the past year, it was beyond just a compliment, it was heartfelt.

"I caught him, Amber," he said proudly, "just like I told you I would."

Her eyes got big over that pleasing piece of information. "I knew you would."

"He won't bother you anymore."

She sat up the best she could, reaching out for him as he leaned in and hugged her.

"I love you. Thank you."

"I love you too."

He sat back down in the chair that was next to the bed. "They're releasing you tomorrow. You need to take it easy for a few more days, but that's ok," he slid his hand inside of hers, "I'll take care of you."

"You do that well," Amber whispered.

"The worst is behind us, Amber. We only have good things to look forward too." He reached under the blanket and rested his hand on her slightly swollen belly, caressing it. "Much better things."

"We've come a long way since that day I found you naked," she grinned.

Steve laughed, "Yes we have." He thought of his turbulent life back then compared to how he felt right now.

"I wanted to ask you a question for a long time," she said.

"Oh yea, what's that?"

"The day of the avalanche. Do you remember telling me to go in the tent and get out the towel from your backpack?"

Steve shrugged slightly, "Yes, vaguely. It was pretty crazy that day. My mind was going about a hundred miles an hour. Why?"

"I reached down inside your backpack and I found something." She saw by his bashful grin that he knew exactly what she was talking about. "My dress that I had worn that night we had slept together. I had left it in the hotel room on purpose. You said you had left something behind and went back up, but you went back up for the dress, didn't you?"

"Busted."

Amber smiled, "I remember I was so cold that day in the tent, I was covered in ice and snow, but when I pulled that dress out and saw it, it warmed me from the inside out. Why did you feel the need to go back for it?"

He thought about it for second but knew the answer. "I remember laying in bed in the hotel that night and you were laying next to me. I felt so ashamed and guilty, like I had somehow cheated on Catherine, but at the same time I was fighting feelings for you. I was scared to death to get close to anyone again. The next morning it was so awkward, do you remember that?"

She rolled her eyes, "Oh my god, yes. There was this huge elephant in the room yet you and I both did an amazing job of ignoring the obvious."

Steve chuckled, "Very well put and you're exactly right. That's why I went back for it."

She tilted her head in confusion, "I don't get it."

"I thought it was going to be just that one time event and even though I had mixed feelings about it, knowing the next morning that you did too, I still couldn't deny the fact that you gave me hope after that night. I felt guilty and ashamed after we had sex, but none of that crossed my mind during. It felt too good being with you. I wanted something to take away with me from that night, knowing then that it would never be you, so I took the dress that you had kept on, before, during and after. It was like having a part of you with me if I couldn't have the real thing."

Amber felt tears sting her eyes, recalling that night so vividly. "I fell in love with you that night."

Her confession surprised him. "You did?"

She nodded, "I tried to ignore the signs too but I gave in, knowing how incredibly special you are, but I also knew how much you loved your wife." The tears erupted then, "I feel so blessed that you want to be with me. My life was hell, beyond hell, and you brought me back to life."

He felt his own emotions begin to get the better of him. "I don't know how we found each other in this giant world, but we did and I'm grateful every second for it."

"Me too," she agreed, wiping her eyes.

She put her hand over top of his that rested on their baby. "I have a family again."

"And I have wife," he smiled, resting his forehead on hers, soaking in this moment that they had both clawed their way through hell to get to.

A year ago they felt cursed, but not today, today they felt blessed.

The End


End file.
